Do Dumpers Always Come Back?

Most breakups end up leaving the dumpee feeling blind-sided and confused. The thought that a deep, romantic connection can be so callously severed can be consciously and subconsciously shocking. But not all is as it seems, and despite a dumper’s best attempts at shielding their emotions behind a smokescreen of anger or placidity, sooner or later they too must come to terms with their decision.

Only once a dumper is finally confronted with the notion of what life entails without their partner, do they begin to miss them in earnest (and it can take a surprising amount of time for this to occur). In my limited experience, almost all cases of dumping involve a withdrawal period where a dumper will miss their ex, even if they have no intention of reconciling.

Does this mean they always come back? Of course it doesn’t! But you knew this already didn’t you? The real question is, then, what are my chances?

Analyzing the breakup

Communication: The chance for post-breakup reconciliation begins with the establishment or continuance of contact. Due to the fact that most breakups lead to a degree of drama and impulsiveness, contact can be compromised. If the lines of communication between you and your ex are still open, especially if you are reminded they are, the foundation for reconciliation exists.

Motives: What reason were you given for the breakup, if any? Not all breakups are equal, some are impulsive and others are not. Impulsive breakups are more likely to lead to reconciliation. Some examples include:

  • A breakup after a fit of anger or strong disagreement.
  • A question of pride.
  • A peak of anxiety or stress.

The key realization here is that a traumatic out-of-nowhere breakup stems from a strong emotion, which naturally implies caring. If they didn’t care, they would not have reacted as strongly as they did! In time, as anger dilutes, a window of reconciliation may present itself assuming pride can be overridden, contact is established, and there were no other factors that influenced the breakup.

In most cases, however, the breakup is the result of a lengthy, progressive downward spiral. While it may appear to be impulsive, bear in mind that most people breakup with their partners once they have surrendered and given up hope of a future together. Because of this, they also stop communicating their feelings as they once did. To the dumpee, the result is a brutal hi-and-bye, but in actuality, the emotional breakup happened a long time before the action itself took place.

Ultimately, it is up to you to decide which of these scenarios is most probable. In the case of the latter, getting back together may be an unrealistic goal in the short-term.

Analyzing the relationship

do dumpers come back

Forget the traumatic breakup, forget how oddly or ridiculously we often act once we’re dumped, in the long-term you will be judged not by the breakup event, but by the relationship itself. As I mentioned previously, our best chance for the dumper to come back comes after a significant amount of time, when they realize fully what life is like without us.

It is not uncommon to receive a strange out-of-the-blue call from the dumper a few weeks, months or even years down the line. The chance of this happening will hinge upon a few factors.

  • How secure or insecure they are as individuals.
  • How they were treated during the relationship.
  • How prideful they are, and whether or not they feel you will be hostile or welcome to their contacting you.
  • Their experiences after the breakup.

The bottom-line is this: If the relationship, beyond your dependency on each other, was something inherently useful and desirable in their life, they may decide they can’t do without it. If all that connected the dots was an addictive, possessive love, then once the addiction has passed they may find their new-found freedom more desirable. As harsh as this sounds, only you can decide which of the two is more likely.

Not all contact is equal

Be warned that even if your ex appears to be coming around, this may not necessarily indicate that they wish to reconcile. Instead, they may genuinely miss your platonic companionship, need your advice or have trouble letting go (guilt).

Real dumper’s remorse occurs when they want you back, not when they need you back. A good rule of thumb to go by when attempting to analyze their intentions is to:

  1. Take all contact at face value.
  2. Judge them by their actions, and not their words.

If you would settle for nothing less than an all-or-nothing relationship with your ex, make sure they are aware of this or you may find yourself pigeon-holed in a backseat driver friendship that will end painfully. Reconciliation involves compromise, settle for nothing else or you could be chasing shadows.

 

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Comments

  1. kimmell says

    Hi!

    So.. I am about a month out of a break-up. It was a semi-volatile, albeit loving college relationship. I feel like I learned a great deal about how to handle myself in relationships, but certainly from my mistakes more than anything. This is to be expected. It was first love for both of us. We agreed that things had been A LOT better for months and I felt we’d found our stride. He was much more the pursuer and then, as they often do, the roles reversed. I know he was less “head over heals,” wasn’t sure if he was “in love” anymore, confused, didn’t know what he wanted etc. There were many times where I told him to just be up-front about his feelings and be “all in” or “all out.” I tried to keep my presence of mind but I really did lost my edge, became clingy, overly-giving etc. He would insist on continuing and I believed him because, for the most part, his actions showed it. We still had fun, he still wanted to spend lots of time with me, a beautiful gift for our anniversary + surprise dinner, wonderful sex life, he told me he loved me ALL the time. And I am sure he does love me, very much, and not in a platonic way. But I know he was no longer IN love with me, although the differences confuse me, and this really bled through in that he was wishy-washy with how he felt, didn’t really seem to care about my birthday (not in a mean way, I just felt like an obligation), and, all in all, I felt like the investment in the relationship was very out of balance.
    I’m trying to be objective as I can about this and not fall into a pit of denial. I just have a few things that I can’t get my head around.

    1) If he did withdraw over the last few months, but clearly had NO intentions of breaking up with me on the night that he did (I know that he didn’t. He had booked a trip for us the following weekend, asked me to see a movie with him about an hour before the break-up..) should I consider the split an impulse or something carefully weighed? I really just don’t know.

    2) In these situations, where the dynamic shifts, can it be repaired with time? As in, can I get “me” back and have a chance of reconciliation? Or is falling out of love irreversible?

    3) I know not to take his contact as anything other than just that- simple texts checking up etc. But he showed up in front of one of my night classes the other night? He was waiting there, had no reason to be there, but I walked out with friends and, whatever his reason for being there was, I still don’t know because he seemed coy around the friends. Is this more than a “breadcrumb”?

    Anyways, I know I sound overly analytical (true) and desperate (not so much), but I really just can’t for the life of me figure out what to make of it. We are best friends, he fully acknowledges (post break-up) that I am one of the most life-altering experiences of his life so-far, that he himself is lost/confused/depressed. Ever since the break up he’s been getting drunk all the time, being with ‘the boys’, basically doing a lot of things I feel I held him back from. It’s honestly the first time we are experiencing college ‘on our own’ and it’s been rewarding for both of us. I have no interest in reconciling anytime soon. I want us to both really REALLY get into a healthy place. I just feel there was a lot of potential, chemistry and overall love, admiration and respect from both sides. Am I in denial thinking that this is not the true end?

  2. James Nelmondo says

    Hi Kimmel, thanks for stopping by! With regards to your question:

    1) It’s not an easy one to answer. I can’t be sure, but — and this won’t be of any comfort I’m afraid — consider also that a single month is not a very long time, certainly not long enough for the emotional waters to settle and for the tide to bring in a measure of clarity. Sure, it does seem a trifle impulsive, how is the communication going?

    2) I would argue that successful reconciliation demands that you find “you” before you attempt it. Remember that while there was a reason that you broke up, there is also a reason you fell in love. While feelings of romance can ebb and flow, love persists. Falling in love again is ALWAYS a possibility. It happens all the time. I would urge you not to overthink it, however, and not to treat it as a goal. It can lead to a sense of constant disillusionment should a scenario for reconciliation not materialize. But will they forget about you? Nope.

    3) If you got the feeling he was there for you — he probably was. If we was being coy he is obviously not over it. He would simply move on otherwise. Looks like he’s still trying to bait a reaction out of you.

    College is a weird place for relationships due to the sheer volume of change that people go through during this time. You may have grown apart somewhat, and it probably has nothing to do with you. It’s simply part of growing up (and away). Having said that, and I’m going to reiterate that my opinion may well be wrong, it sounds like a case of giving it more time — he certainly is not acting like he wants nothing to do with you. Most reconciliation occurs after 3-4 months of separation. If he is ever going to caress the notion of what life is rally like without you, he needs to feel it. Give him a lot of space, and watch what happens!

  3. Anonymous says

    I am going through hell of pain.I will highly appreciate your quick advise.I was in a casual relationship wid a Men from 5 years..In Fact,It was serious relation at times too. Hee use to express marrying me indirectly at times so there were hopes and I was in love with him so I continued relation as we were friends too…However,He use to always delay all action.One day,I found out he was hiding one relation from me..He got engaged with his friend who was seen at times with him and never even informed me.I was shocked as he intended to still be wid me..He met me even after he got engaged..He kissed me and said, he still likes me a lot..As soon as I found out,I immediatedly blocked him from my life..I Cut Him from all newtrorking sites,etc..I went NO Contact and NEVER contacted him at all even after being attached as I was hurt…I felt sick and went through hell..Finally,He comes back AFTER 8 Months to wish me on MY Birthday.He contacted me twice wishing me bday BUT I DID NOT respond..He called mee and messaged,emailed both..
    Next,He smartly sent me some FORWARD Message on email and phone both twice exactly after 1 Month again BUT I did NOT respond as I am still HURT..I do Love him but I want to use my head this time..AFTER 1 Month,He has contacted me Yet again 4th time by small email asking How are you?..I still did NOT reply as He was a friend and I was very loyal to him so I deserve s sorry at least..Morever,I found he lied to me a lot in all 4 years as he was seeing HIS Friend who I doubted many times but he kept denying making me feel guilty..Plus,I feel,He may be missing me NOW and may have perhaps even realised his mistake.Dunno as I am Very confused…However,I have been attached to him..At same time,I don’t want to be treated badly so I dint feel lik responding to him dis easily..He is still not saying sorry..

    Can you please advise me IF I should reply to him OR shd I wait Longer?? Will he contact again and what should be the right way?? I will appreciate your Insights on Men’s mindset and what goes on in their mind when they do this and when ex does not reply to them?

    I will call myself @ Annonymous Unpredictable life..

  4. James Nelmondo says

    Can you please advise me IF I should reply to him OR shd I wait Longer??

    Waiting longer might mean never hearing from him again. But contacting him may dent your healing and lead to another spiral of confusion (as well as the risk of being lied to again). It’s something of a dilemma, but personally I would go ahead and answer his b-day messages with a thank you. That way he knows you are not ignoring him, but it does not necessitate a reply. If he has something to say, he’s going to have to say it. I would definitely ignore the small talk.

  5. Anonymous says

    Thanks a lot for your prompt reply. Well, Somehow, I still dont feel like replying to him purely for the below reasons hence I will appreciate If you can re-confirm again–
    1. I found out that, he was lieing to me throughout my relation with him. He was dating this friend in his group who he claimed was just a friend. He got engaged to her and I found out through some outside source.
    2. He kissed me even after being engaged(I was not aware that he was engaged at that time. I am glad, it was just a kiss but still hurt me a LOT when I found out. In Fact, At that time, he told me, Marriage and Sex are tow different aspects. I was confused with this sentence. Can you advise what does this sentence meant? Does that mean that, he would continue to sleep or sex around with different women even after getting married?
    3. Yes, I still love him as it was a long relation and I was loyal to him. This was like the biggest betrayal in my life and considering, he said, he still liked me was confusing. At that time, blocking him from my life was an only option. I have always treated him Very special on all his Birthdays hence him wishing me on birthday was just fine. Plus, I wanted to keep my self-respect and dignity on a high level. Contacting and being in touch with him will only delay my healing as you said rightly. I still deserved a big closure and explanation. It spoiled my life. I have asked couple of other experts as well and they say, “Not to reply until this person tries harder and says sorry hence I am very confused. What If it is just some casual “Hi and Hello”. After all, it takes 2 minutes to type a Hi to an old friend? Does a man take so long to say a small sorry to an old friend who was extremely kind to him. Plus, I use to always be the first one to apologise IF I hurt him or did any small mistake througout our relationship. What does this indicate from a men’s perspective. Also, he was a flirtatious types?
    4. I am fine to even forgive and forget but only after he comes across as clean and explains what happened. It is tough to believe at times that “How can someone spoil a friends life by cheating, lieing?
    5. What do you think? Does this show that he may come back If he still has feelings or were his feelings just for fun?

    Kindly share your Insights. Thanking You in advance!!

  6. James Nelmondo says

    You are correct by stating:

    “How can someone spoil a friends life by cheating, lieing?

    There is no simple answer, for some people commitment is only a thinly veiled guise for opportunity. It can be hard to accept that our a heartfelt “I love you” for one person is simply a means to an end for someone else. I have been on the receiving end of this my fair share of times as well. Letting go was made infinitely more difficult because I was unable to introspectively account for the discrepancy in feelings. Where was the friend, lover and companion I trusted?

    His behavior (and I say this without knowing him) seems to be chronically manipulative. Hence, bound to repeat itself in time.

    What do you think? Does this show that he may come back If he still has feelings or were his feelings just for fun?

    I get the impression that he will be back, based on the fact that he seems flighty and impulsive. But despite how ardent his intention, I also get the feeling that his “feelings” are fundamentally different than yours. Or, at the very least, his notion of commitment is more lax. Does that make sense?

    P.S: I am certainly no expert! I’m just a guy with an opinion :)

  7. Anonymous says

    Hey Unknown,

    Thanks a lot for your feedback and great Insights. I quiet agree with your thoughtful Insights. As you agree, my state of mind is filled with confusion and apprehension at the moment.

    Well, He was certainly a hidden flirt, “A Player”. The Fact that he was dating two women at same time proves that he was manipulative. It was still very hard for me to believe this since his relation was secretive relationship was hidden from me from a very long time. In Fact, he never informed me that he was getting engaged to that same women. I think, he may have got married to that same women but would only lead to a divorce.

    1. Can you please advise, Is such a marriage called love? Did he love that women since he got engaged to her? However he kissed me as well and It seemed impossible for me to believe that he may get married to her? How long does such marriage survive?

    2. Next is, Do you meant, he may be back IF I continue to Ignore his “Blase” messages until he contacts me with stronger attempt? Do such guys try to contact again with a “Sorry” to say the least considering he has started missing me?

    Thaks once again for your feedback. It means a lot to me.

  8. James Nelmondo says

    Hey again. Thank you for the praise, it means a lot to me too!

    1. I’m not sure whether it is a rebound relationship. But my gut tells me it isn’t love, and that sooner rather than later that well will dry up. After-all, despite wanting to marry her he was more than willing to kiss you.

    If he truly loved her he would not feel the need to kiss you, at least according to my own admittedly naive and subjective vision of what love is. Sadly, this also doesnt mean he wants you instead. With commitment looming he probably wants to make sure his options remain open should the grass not be greener.

    2. He seems to want to keep his options open. Because of this no contact will probably make him contact you, but dont confuse the potential “sorry” with genuinely missing you. If he backs up his words with actions then you have a far better indicator that he misses you. Due to the fact that he has been manipulative in the past I would dismiss small talk. It is up to him to be honest with you, after having a track record of lieing. It is up to him to rebuild trust. If he can’t put in even a small amount of effort into bridging the divide with you he is probably using you as a way to feel better about his own predicament.

  9. Anonymous says

    Hey Unknown,

    Its me again. Thank You so much for your prompt reply. I highly appreciate it from my heart. Its absolutely great reading your Insights. You are a great human being.

    1. Well, He confused my life a lot. When I was introduced to him, I asked him 10 times, IF he had any girlfriend but he always denied. I kept asking him even after 1 year of our relation but he always denied. However, this “Hidden Girl-friend and apparently his wife now” was in his group since several years. He kept saying she was just a friend. I got some serious doubts when I caught him once online but he still kept saying, she was only a friend. He went ahead and lied to me that, this girl does not even look that good and that she has a separate boyfriend. As mentioned, he finally got enaged to her so I am unsure If this is called a “Rebound relationship”. Perhaps, I get a feeling that, she may have known him longer than me but even then, this does not seem like a genuine relationship or love. Like you said, a person in true love wont even dare to kiss other women. He kept saying, he still liked me but I chose to Block him from my life as I felt humiliated. In short, he was dating me and her at same time. Another truth is that, he made me Imagine a LOT of future together for 5 years so thats crazy. It seemed like, In Real, he gave her the enagement ring and made me only fantasise about it so its all messed up. However, he may have known her from before as a friend and before me. Is this still called a “Rebound relationship”?

    2. Yes, he still kissed me even after being engaged. In Fact, I felt this extreme closeness at that time. He insisted for us to meet for a special date again as well but I found out about his enagement before itself. And, You still agree that such marraige will dry up soon. Right?

    3. You are absolutely right when you say that, he wanted to keep his options open. After How he behaved with me, I would certainly Ignore the small talks. In fact, I have not replied to him at all. I have mainatined “No Contact” very strongly. The main Issue is that , I have been healing and It has taken a hell out of me to heal. I was under huge depression. I was very unwell and under a huge shock when I got to know this truth. This was a complete betrayal. He made me feel damn guilty when I use to catch him or doubt at him with this “Hiiden Friend”. We had fights in the past when I use to doubt at him. Plus, It was a genuine doubt as I found out he went to this long holiday with that same girl in a huge group. He was a great liar so he easily made me believe that, It was some “Guy friends” party and he does not even know who is Invited so you can Imagine, what I went through. I still placed my trust and I received this huge betrayal in the end. I strongly felt that, I deserve a proper “Sorry” and a stronger attempt of contact hence I chose to Ignore his Birthday message and the next contact of How I was. Its Like KILL a Friend and then ask, How I was? In ALL My Life, I never ever hurt someone so badly. I am an extremely grounded person hence I use to always apologise even without my faults at times.
    So, Do you agree, I should keep Ignoring him OR Should I reply to him?

    Thank You once again for all your Insights. You are simply amazing!!

  10. James Nelmondo says

    Yes, I agree with this:

    The main Issue is that , I have been healing and It has taken a hell out of me to heal.

    Unfortunately this is what it comes down to most of the time. It is not worth jeopardizing your healing because there is a infinitesimal chance he may want to change his ways. His track record speaks clearly. I would ignore him for your sake, not as a way for him to miss you. If it any point he cares enough to overrule his pride and guilt in order to want to talk to you honestly and directly he knows how to contact you.

    Words are far too easy to utter, look for action that accompanies his words. If he wants to you back genuinely he will (should) move mountains to bridge the divide he has caused. If he can’t do that, he’s not worth the pain he’s causing you.

    All the best!

  11. Anonymous says

    Hey Unknown,

    Thanks a lot for your feedback.

    1. Can you please advise If his relation or so-called marriage is a rebound relationship OR Perhaps, It is surely not the real marriage since he was still dating me at that time?

    2. Yes, I agree that, His words should be accompanied with actions. Its been 2 months after his third attempt to contact me and I have still maintained “NO Contact” hence I am trying to be as strong as possible. However, I still love him and it gets tough to get rid of all his thoughts since It was a long relation. I find it unbelievable at times that someone can cheat and lie a friend to this extent. Had he informed me about this hidden girlfriend right at the start, I would have not got involved with him at all. I invested my time, heart, mind and soul in this relation. It feels very lonely at time.
    Can you advise, If marriages are pre-destined? Does the right person surely come on right time OR these are just Old myths?
    Does destiny decide who we will marry or its just a co-incidence since sometimes, it feels like a dark tunnel ?

    Do share your feedback. Thanks again!!

  12. James Nelmondo says

    Heya again,

    1. I doubt it is a real rebound (you didn’t dump him), but nevertheless his chronic manipulation and fence jumping mean that the entire ordeal will probably come to an ignoble end rather quickly. That is just an opinion, and I really can’t say what will be though!

    2.I don’t believe in predestination, personally. Divorce rates hovering around 50% are a testament to the fact that marriages can crumble just as easily as any long-term relationship.

  13. Anonymous says

    Hey unknown,

    Ok. Thanks for all your time, support and feedback. I understand and agree. After all, we all are normal human beings and sometimes situations, people and our fate are not in our control. At this point of time, I still love him as love is unconditional but I will prefer to Ignore him to save my dignity until he tries harder to reach me and explain why he behaved so badly!

    1. Do you believe in, ” Whatever goes around, comes around” and that he has only spoiled his own bad karma?

    2. Also, any idea on why some people who we trust with our life hurt us so badly considering we have never nurt anyone? Meaning, I was just re-checking my past relations and I have never cheated anyone till now hence I find it hard to believe that why he cheated and betrayed me? I only remember refusing to date one guy who liked me but I was never ever in any relation with him. I went out with him just 2 times and he started stalking me so I refused to date him. Why do some people suffer even without any fault. Like me? Is it some past life bad deeds?

  14. James Nelmondo says

    Hello again!

    1) I actually do believe in karma. I try to act in a way that meets my own standards, so as to avoid flagrant hypocrisy, but am of course guilty of every-kind of foul up. I can say with absolute certainty that when I have messed up it has always burned me in the end. For instance, I carried a lie in a relationship for a long time, years later, when I was truly head over heels for her it ended up tearing the relationship apart. Karma.

    I suppose it works the same way for all of us. Time and distance bring clarity to us all, sometimes it takes a breakup to realize what a person truly meant for us (for good or bad). But it can take a long time to realize it.

    2) I don’t think his objective was to hurt you specifically. As the saying goes…

    people aren’t aren’t against you, they are for themselves

    When it comes to cheating I believe this is the case. It isn’t so much a way to get at you (most of the time), it is simply a short-sighted way of pleasing themselves which ends up hurting you indirectly.

  15. Anonymous says

    Hey Unknown,

    Thanks for your prompt feedback, amazing and thoughtful Insights..

    1. Well, I never ever hurt anyone like this in my life. Meaning, I Never betrayed anyone, the way he did to me. I only remember that, I refused to date 1 OLD friend who I did not like since he was a friend. I went for a small date and he fell in love with me but I was upfront and refused as I am honest person. My question is,Why do you think, I got such bad punishment of huge betrayal without any fault ?

    2. You mention that, He must have not specifically intended to Hurt me but seems like such people are extremely selfish. It is still very hurtful as he lied to me for 5 years. Plus, I remember many moments where he did directly hurt me by not taking me for this holiday. However, seems like Karma will surely bite him one day as well but there won’t be much point then as I don’t intend to take any revenge at all. I will only wish he realises, How he spoiled my life!!!

  16. James Nelmondo says

    I agree that karma will probably bite him where the sun doesn’t shine sooner rather than later. We run into few enough people who genuinely care about us as is. At the end of the day those people will continue to stand out.

    But there is no guarantee. There’s nothing you can do to make him understand the torment that betrayal entails. It is something he may one day emphasize with, but probably only once he has been similarly betrayed.

    My point regarding “directly vs indirectly” punishing you is this. While he knew that not inviting you to a holiday would hurt you (it’s a pretty horrid thing to do — agreeably), he probably doesn’t understand how much. He probably thought you would forget it eventually and move on. The bottomline is he apparently does not feel the same spectrum of emotions that you do within the context of that relationship. What was a horrifying betrayal for you, was merely a “whoops that’s bad” for him.

    Of course, that’s just my opinion, and you know him far better than I ever will :)

  17. Anonymous says

    Heya Unknown,

    Thanks a lot for your amazing Insights. I guess, you know him pretty well than me now. I agree with your opinion. He seemed like a Heartless, selfish person. I feel very unfortunate to know that, I dated a self-centred player whose life was only about his own pleasure. Its surprising to know all this after long time. I feel, its probably my fault too as I was Blind-sighted in love hence he took me for granted to the dead end. Somehow, I never got the chance to even tell him all this as I was in a big shock when I found the truth. I lost my peace and blocked him immediately hence I was stuffed with all these feelings. Plus, It was of NO use to confront him since he was engaged. In any case, I will leave his fate to his own Bad Karma. ALL I can do is simply Ignore him unless he tries harder to reach me out and override his pride,ego as you rightly mentioned in the last post.
    My question is, You mentioned that, you have also experienced Karma as you carried Lie in your old relation. MY point is, I have never betrayed or hurt anyone directly or indirectly then why was I cheated. Its a saying, whatever gors around come around. Right. What did I do to receive this since this was just my second relation and I have never cheated anyone in any relationship?

    Hope it is fine to post more questions. Its great to read your feedback. Thank You once again for sharing your perfect thoughts. Have a fantastic weekend ahead!

  18. James Nelmondo says

    No worries, of course you can!

    Regarding Karma, sometimes there are no answers. But I think there is a way to spin this positively. As bad as it is, it is best that you were able to filter out dishonest qualities in the long run.

    When you do meet someone honest it will be all the sweeter due to your past. And you’ll be glad that you are no longer in your old relationship.

    Also, the thing about Karma is, you won’t be around to see him be hit in the face by it. It involves a measure of faith that it will :)

  19. Anonymous says

    Hey Unknown,

    Thanks again for your lovely thoughts and kind words for me. I must say, you are a great human being. You seems like a warm, humble and a kind human being hence I wonder why would any girl dump you!!

    1. Its good to know that you believe in Karma. I believe it too but Its tough to keep faith at times especially since sometimes, we see good people suffering endlessly without any fault. I was wondering on such type of guys Psychology. In Fact, It was not just 1 Holiday betrayal. He fooled me for few more small trip holidays, where he simply informed me it was work trip and some family stuff. I was completely in a big shock, when I found that this girl who he got engaged used to be with him. He gave HUGE talks on Honesty and how he hates liars but he turned out to be the biggest cheat and liar. My question is, What kind of mind set such guys carry? How can he ever be truthful or even love her considering he wanted to date me even after his official engagement? He kept saying, How he still likes me but of course could not commit!!

    2. Next is, You mentioned in your last posts that, What was a Horrific Betrayal for me is a mere “Whoops thats bad” for me considering his history. I agree with this but he was more than willing to sleep around with me even after engagement which seems he is a complete heartless person. Right? How can such people really Love any women? I wonder why he got married to that old friend too?

    Do share your thoughts, when you get the time. Thanks as always!

  20. James Nelmondo says

    Ello :)

    What kind of mind set such guys carry?

    Trust me, this isn’t a gender specific issue. I receive messages from both women and men equally describing exactly this imbalance in commitment and expectations. Sometimes we simply bump into the wrong kinds of people. There are no answers, there are no strings to tie, in the end all that will matter — as you say, is karma. Moving on requires being able to forgive yourself, and your partner. Due to your emotional honesty it will end up being far easier for you. I often tell my friends (and get mixed feedback) that it’s easier to be the dumpee because at the very least you gave it your all. You won’t have to deal with “what ifs” down the line.

    How can such people really Love any women?

    They don’t. At least not according to our criteria. Love is a subjective term. To some it means “need”, to others it is passion, to others security. Love, like any other feeling is subjective. In this case I get the impression that what he considers to be love is not what you (or I for that matter) consider to be love.

  21. Anonymous says

    Hiya,

    Thanks again for such Insightful thoughts. It feels great reading your warm and supporting thoughts.

    1. Well, He wasted my 5 golden years hence I am unsure IF I will be able to forgive him this easily. Reason being that, he kept me in dark and he never gave me proper closure. Plus, there dont seems to be closure in such relationship as he was cheating on me throughout this relation. It is certainly not easy for me to be the dumpee here. I am still ready to forgive him IF he comes clean and approaches me like you said. However, the point is, I will never get my those 5 golden years as I lost lot of my friends and some other good opportunities. At present, I am just Blank. I have lost the definition of Love, commitment, marriage after this. I certainly do not know what future holds for me!

    Its surprising that, he contacted me thrice but never mentioned sorry at all. I went through lots of articles, where few experts suggest “NO Contact” strictly until the guy gives clear signs of reconcilation etc. I read your article, where it says, Communication lines to be open between ex and the dumpee. Do you think, he will approach me to apologise as been long when I Ignored his Blase attempt?

  22. James Nelmondo says

    Do you think, he will approach me to apologise as been long when I Ignored his Blase attempt?

    What I mean about the communication lines being open is that should he have something to say, that he knows how to contact you without feeling threatened. If you have made your intentions clear it is undoubtedly up to him to now initiate. Regarding apologizing, there are no guarantees. I once received an apology 2 years after a breakup!

    The main reason forgiveness is important, isn’t because he deserves it or not, it is because you deserve the emotional peace it brings. In a way, it has nothing to do with him. You don’t won’t want to constantly look back in anger — it will only serve to darken your own life and scar future relationships (you wont trust them). You owe it to yourself to break those chains. Don’t use his manipulation as a measuring stick for what you deserve!

  23. Anonymous says

    Hey Friend,

    1. You say, “If you have made your intentions clear, it is up to him to contact me”. I have not spoken to him from more than a year now. As you already know the story, I have Ignored him. Are you talking about the intentions being made clear while we were dating or after this break-up?

    2. Yes, I agree that there are no guarantees. Life itself is quiet unpredictable. So, IF I May ask, Did your ex try harder to reach you when she apologised? Did they regret and asked you to take her back?

    3. Yes, I again agree on forgiveness theory for myself. Well, I am trying my best to move on but its tough as I am still attached to him. However, I believe and trust that, One can easily forgive oneself and the other Only after they find a better partners. I have seen few of my friends who have been very lucky to get another better partner easily. Unfortunately, I am still single hence I feel extreme loneliness. Like I mentioned, I lost lots of things due to this relation. Somehow, I dont feel, I am very lucky in relationships. Worst part is, that girl who he married was not even that good in terms of personality etc. He himself told me this Long back while we were dating. Perhaps, just to cheat on me so that I dont question him!!!

    Finally, I will once again like to thank you for all your amazing Insights. You are truly a gem of a person. I Highly appreciate your prompt replies and fantabulous Insights.

  24. James Nelmondo says

    Hey again!

    Are you talking about the intentions being made clear while we were dating or after this break-up?

    Both. The important thing is that he doesn’t feel overly threatened by contacting you and that you haven’t burned all your bridges.

    IF I May ask, Did your ex try harder to reach you when she apologised? Did they regret and asked you to take her back?

    I wasn’t sure what her intentions were (it’s easy to see when it isn’t related to us, isn’t it?). But by that time I don’t think either of us wanted to reconcile. It was merely a gesture, so that we could finally move on without looking back in anger.

    Somehow, I dont feel, I am very lucky in relationships.

    I felt the same way for a long time after my breakup, but am now single out of choice. While it is truth that loving someone knew can help, it can also remind you that the single life is perfectly fulfilling. I’ve never been this happy.Just thought I’d mention it! Thank you for your kind words as well, and feel free to pass by whenever you like!

  25. Anonymous says

    Hey Friend,

    Thanks a lot for your kind gesture. I thoroughly enjoy reading your positive comments.

    1. You mention that, Both ways. He should not feel overly threatened to contact me IF he wishes to contact me and that I should not burn all bridges. I am bit confused here. As you already know my story on How he cheated and betrayed me, I am unsure what this means? In our Last few posts, you agreed that, I should not reply to him for now till he is ready to override his ego and that he will move mountains IF he genuinely needs me. Plus, he got engaged and married without informing me. I have not replied to his casual 3rd attempt so does this meant that, he will feel threatened to contact me? Can you please ellaborate and inform what should I need to do?It does not feel right to reply to him? How do we know or predict IF he feels threatened?

    2. I am glad to know that, you are very happy being single. Well, At present, I surely miss being in a relationship since I feel lonely. Most of my friends are all happily in relationships and married too so I feel left out. I feel, my time is not good as many things are not working out for me. I can only hope that things turn out good soon. I get scared of growing old single. Surprisingly, evil people who betray and spoil others life are happily enjoying married life etc.

  26. James Nelmondo says

    Heya,

    1. I’m using the word threatened figuratively, not literally :) . I already think you are doing the right thing. He knows how to contact you, and I personally only feel you should answer if, and only if, he makes a decisive effort to meet you half-way. This means he is exclusively single, and tells you bluntly that he misses you romantically. By “burning your bridges” I mean that he may interpret your distance as a sign you have moved on. But frankly, that’s a risk I feel you should take.

    2. Being single seems to be considered a social stigma. But I disagree. As you say, the fear is that of “growing old single” and “feeling left out” not that of being patently unhappy. I think it’s an important distinction because it is absolutely possible to be happy and emotionally self-fulfilling while single.I would venture that being productive, free and single is far better than being with someone simply for the sake of not being lonely. Sadly, I also feel that many relationships (because of this) are bonded through fear of solitude rather than selfless love.

  27. Anonymous says

    Hey Friend,

    1. Well, As you know my story, he was cheating on me througout our relation. He moved on by getting engaged and then married without even informing me. He spoiled my life in his confusion for Love and commitment. It was pretty clear that, he wanted me as a back-up and was not clearly ready to let me go completely as he still kissed me. I have never been so shocked in my life. Anyway, the point is that, He moved on so How can I show him that I am still awaiting his aggressive try to reconcile. He never felt the need to discuss our relation before deciding to get married. Isnt that extremely rude on human grounds as well? He clearly knew that, I was looking at a happy future together hence my intentions were very clear. I kept asking him IF he had any other girlfriend every year but he only denied the same. In Fact, I asked him just while he was engaged and he never told me which was extremely unfair to say the least. However, When I caught him, he agreed that, yes, he will be getting married soon with extremely blase details. You mentioned that, my distance will show him that I have moved on but His attempts to contact me did not even express his apology or ny regret. He wished me on Birthday but thats not a big deal as I use to make him feel extremely special on his birthdays throughout our long relationship of 5 years. Answering His “Birthday messages” would show that, “Hey, Its Fine to treat me like this. Isnt it?
    Even answering a “Hello and How you doing” messages is like, Killing Someone and then asking, How you doing? Isnt it? kindly correct me If I am over-analyzing the situation.

    2. I agree that, I am still attached to him and love him as well but I cannot let myself taken for granted again. I am sure you agree that, Men will respect women with high self-respect and dignity. I chose to continue the relation despite knowing that, he was not committed to me but I was not aware that, he was cheating me so badly. I was with him since he gained my trust saying, he was not dating anyone else. Having said that, I am still hoping, he does come back one day to atleast apologise and explain as why he betrayed me. How can I do that? Do you think, replying to him now will help in that?

    3. Yes, I surely agree with you that, it is surely not wise to be in a relationship just for the sake of it. I meant, exactly the same point. I am still single out of choice since I do not intend to compromise and be in a relationship just for the sake of it. I meant, that, I am unable to find that correct partner hence I am unhappy so I agree that being in bad relation can spoil life as well. Unfortunately, I felt, I was very happy and compatible with him. I raised my hopes and was always excited to spend time with him. However, I fell down very badly due to bad fate.
    When I said, I feel left out since my friends are in excellent relationships. They have found loving partners who are very compatible with them.They are not bonded just for the sake of it. The difference between their life and my life is that, I failed badly in relationships whereas, they have been very fortunate in their relationships!!

    Thank You once again for all your help, support and guidance. It means a lot to me.

  28. L says

    Hello, I found your site and I think it’s so helpful. It’s been day 6 since my boyfriend broke up with me and reading your posts on how to deal with a break up has really helped me alot.

    I was with my ex for a little over 6 months and we were happy. We got along really well, understood each other’s humour, we’re not just lovers but good friends. Last week he came over and decided to end it. It came from out of nowhere, I was so shocked and when I told my 2 bestfriends about the breakup, they too couldn’t believe it. Just 2 days ago we were together and everything was all right.

    He apparently started to have doubts about our relationship about a week or two before he broke it off with me. What I don’t understand is why did he not talk to me about it instead of just ending the relationship so abruptly. His reasons for dumping me are, he no longer wants to be in a relationship, his heart isn’t in it any more, he has too many things going on right now. I just wonder:

    1) could another girl be involved? Why would a guy end such a great relationship without a fight?

    2) the night we broke up he asked me ‘where did you think this relationship was going’ and if I had anything else to say to him. I couldn’t answer I was too busy crying my eyes out. But now that it’s been a few days and the shock is no longer there I am able to reflect and I do have a lot to say to him. Should I let him know or should I just keep it to myself?

    3) how long should I wait to try to contact him ?

    4) do you think he’ll regret his decision and ultimately decide that he does want to be with me?

    Feedback will be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much.

  29. James Nelmondo says

    Hello L!

    could another girl be involved? Why would a guy end such a great relationship without a fight?

    I don’t mean to answer a question with another question, and yet I get the feeling that (as hard as it is to digest) you may have dodged a bullet here. If a another girl is involved, and he broke it off to be with her despite being relatively happy with you, then the hammer was bound to fall sooner or later.

    Also, it usually takes a few months for love to develop from a crush/flirtatious honeymoon stage to a maturing one based on a mixture of romance and commitment. It isn’t at all that uncommon for love to slide into the platonic (which may be the case here) after six months. I’m throwing darts in the dark here, but it is common to transition from a seemingly content and stable relationships to an impulsive out-of-nowhere breakup because of this.

    Should I let him know or should I just keep it to myself?

    A few days isn’t a very long time. Certainly not long enough for him to have genuinely reconsidered his actions or get a taste of what life is like without you (which is usually necessary to realistically reconcile). If you have questions that you can stomach getting difficult answers for, then by all means go for it. But I would advise giving it a little longer.

    how long should I wait to try to contact him ?

    There are no winning answers. But I generally like to think that a few weeks is a good time for breaking the silence. Too early and there’s a risk nothing has changed, too late and his pride or guilt (if he did want to reconcile) might have taken over. If in doubt, go for it.

    do you think he’ll regret his decision and ultimately decide that he does want to be with me?

    If he genuinely cared about you, then there will always be a degree of missing involved. But caring for someone does not always equal feeling content, fulfilled or at peace (and vice versa, being seemingly content does not always equate romantic love). Of course, there is a chance that he was both content, and in love, and as such will realize that he has made a horrible mistake. But I find that it is a tortuous vine to swing from due to the pain that the cyclical crushing of hope can cause.

    Ultimately, as the dumper, it is a realization that he must make without initiation or prompting from you. If he can’t even override his own sense of guilt or pride in order to reach out to someone he professes to miss, how deep were his romantic ambitions to begin with?

  30. James Nelmondo says

    How can I do that? Do you think, replying to him now will help in that?

    I don’t think there’s an easy way to solve this. You could just tell him how you feel, but risk feeling even worse than before should he ignore you or become defensive. Ideally, we ought to trust in karma — as we’ve discussed. In the sense that you move on at peace knowing that you did things the right way. In this case, his taking you for granted is cutting you twice. Once because it is an unwarranted betrayal of trust and love (there’s nothing much you can do about this). And two because it has, and continues to torment you (and this is something you can fight off by refusing to allow his betrayal to dictate your sense of self).

    Seeking an apology is as easy as asking for one, but I doubt that is what you want. The only apology that counts here is the realization that he hurt you. An apology has doesn’t require you to ask for it. In an ideal world he would be empathetic enough to deduce how much a betrayal of this kind can sting. But again, sometimes people are incapable of such empathy and pretend it never happened. Because they are unable to accept their own guilt.

  31. Anonymous says

    Hey Friend,

    Its me again. I agree with your Insights. Thanks again for all your help, support and feedback.

    1. Yes, It will be a big risk to reply to him now since I am not so strong emotionally. Firstly, we do not know, If he is single again and/or really apologetic. Replying to him will simply show that, I still love or care for him. As you rightly said, He may get defensive and history may repeat again. As much as I want him to realize his mistake from the bottom of my heart, I cannot risk the consequences and after-effects. As you say, In an ideal world, he should be empathetic enough to understand what such betrayal can cause the other person and especially a friend. I guess, Unfortunately, I dont have much choice left. I agree that, we need to simply leave this horrifying betrayal to Karma and Fate. IF its meant to be then, He can override his ego and try harder to reach before its too late. Its already late though. IF Not then we cannot do much about such situation. I agree that, he needs to realize his huge mistake and such betrayal on his own. In Fact, Few of my family friends have already assured me that, such person will face his karma soon!!

  32. Anonymous says

    Hey friend,

    Its me again. How are you? I was kinda missing your kind, thoughtful Insights. It feels quiet soothing reading them. I thought will post some more wondering thoughts for your wonderful Insights..

    1. On My Last date with him when ke kissed me while he was secretly engaged, He share one sentence which confused me a bit hence wanted to understand what it meant. He said, “You know, Sex is different from Marriage and that these two are different aspects”. What do players like him meant, when they say this? What does this sentence meant? I have read this sentence in one article but I could not understand. As we know, he was a cheater. Does this meant, He will continue to have sex with differnt women even while he is married. Right?

    2. Tel me, From your friends and your own experiences, Are you aware of some similar case like mine where the guy betrayed and badly cheated someone?
    IF yes then, It will be nice to hear some storym Also, How did Karma bite them back..

    3. What do such players really think?
    Meaning, Do such players really try hard to reach dumpee when dumpee Ignores them?

    Do share some Insights when you get the time. Hope its fine to post some wondering thoughts. Have a good weekend!

  33. James Nelmondo says

    Does this meant, He will continue to have sex with differnt women even while he is married. Right?

    Heya! Sounds to me like he is partioning his partners into different roles. While he may enjoy the comfort of commitment, it may not give him the excitement and passion he wants. And vice versa. It’s a egotistic way of having it all without compromise.

    While he feels that passion and marriage are two different things, you can have both. Which is undoubtedly his loss.

    Are you aware of some similar case like mine where the guy betrayed and badly cheated someone?

    It has happened to many people I know very well. Not all of these stories end in sweet justice, mostly because my friends tend to be pretty brutal about cutting ties to people prone to betrayal. Once karma does bite though, it is never as satisfying as you imagined it to be. Mostly, because you have moved on by the time it happens, you tend to feel sorry for them.

    On the plus side pity is probably the best form of revenge anyway.

    What do such players really think?

    He’s only a player because he’s playing himself. Most of the time they reach out because they are allowed to, and their own vaunted self of entitlement blinds them to the guilt and damage of their actions. Once they are denied their source of self-esteem their egoic house of cards crumbles they are left naked and alone. It isn’t a pretty sight.

    Manipulative partners need you to feel better about themselves. Once the dumpee or manipulated partner realizes this, they also realize how much power they truly have. Because a strong person may suffer, but they will always end up being emotionally self sufficient. You want them, they need you.

    Have a great weekend!

  34. Anonymous says

    Hey Unknown,

    Thanks a Lot for your feedback.

    1. I have already Ignored him. You mentioned that, he is playing Himself and that, players ego is left crumbled. Plus, that isnt a pretty sight. My question is, So Does this mean that, I was the source of his self-esteem and that his ego will crush badly soon. He has his so-called wife and friends hence I wanted to understand, Was I still one of his source to his self-esteem?

    2. Many experts agreed that, he was a manipulative partner. You mentioned, Manpulative partner needs dumpee to feel better about themselves. Does this meant, He will still need me and crave for me?

  35. Anonymous says

    Hey,

    Thanks for your advise. I clicked the link of forum. I dont mind posting on the forum but I find it complicated to register etc. I will surely be able to post there perhaps If you can have the same option of posting by anonymous over there without being registered. Let me know. Also, I see, you have several forums on relationships etc. What made you come up with so many websites? Is this your full-time Job If I may ask OR Just to help people as a hobby?

  36. James Nelmondo says

    This is my only website :) And no, it’s not my job (though I wish it was), just a hobby. It all started when I started writing relationship articles to help me make sense of my own breakup I was going through. It’s amazing how relating and talking to others helped.

    I understand about the forums. The reason I have registration there is to protect from bots and spam which is a daily struggle unfortunately.

  37. Anonymous says

    Hey Friend,

    Thanks for your prompt reply. Yes, I agree that talking to others helps us to understand our own break-up.

    1. Here is a recent update. My ex has e-mailed and messaged me again with same forward message.He forwarded same message on his 2nd attempt as well This forward message does not say anything like Sorry or Can we talk? This is his 4th attempt but I dont feel like replying to him since It seems like a casual attempt. One other expert informed me to reply only when he says something like Can we talk? I am so annoyed at his pride and ego. What does this really mean? Why is he forwarding me the same forward indicating some computer application. He carried a BIG Lie for all the years and got married without even informing me. I am not so strong enough to handle any sort of causal friendship at all. My question is, Will he contact me again with clarity IF I dont respond to this blase attempt?

  38. James Nelmondo says

    Hi again!

    If he is able to overcome his pride or guilt then he will (and if he cares enough). Should his ego be more important, he might continue to send you crumbs. Consider messages childish attempts at preventing you from moving on. It’s basically a way of saying hey dont forget about me!

    I agree regarding only contacting him if he makes it clear he wants to talk. Until that happens, however, there’s not much point in reading into his antics. There’s no saying whether he will ever decide to speak plainly. This is a decision only he can make.

  39. Anonymous says

    Hey Friend,

    1. Thanks again for your confirmation. It is quiet emotionally draining to see his childish ways of contacting me. I mean, we were dating for 5 years and I was extremely nice, humble to him. Its quiet a shame that, he is thinking so much to directly contact me for a mere sorry or explanation. Also, I agree with your Insight that he is preventing me from moving on etc. He never wanted me to go even after his engagement. Isnt this quiet sad and this proves that he is just not happy with his Marriage?

    2. I use to be prompt in replying to him so I believe this may surely Irritate him and he may soon come out clean and clear. Right? Some one told me, when a man behaves badly and gives you poor treatment, we cannot reward him by being nice. He needs to feel the consequences of leaving me and spoiling my life. He may probably realize the value of my relationship as he took me for a long roller-coaster ride!!

  40. James Nelmondo says

    Isnt this quiet sad and this proves that he is just not happy with his Marriage?

    Yes it is. I wonder whether his wife is aware of this communication. His affinity for betrayal continues to define him.

    we cannot reward him by being nice

    I agree with that, though for a different reason. Don’t fight fire with fire, it isn’t about not being nice, it’s about standing up for yourself and your needs. You have every right to expect better treatment and respect, and his behavior should never be rewarded.

    But at the same time I wouldn’t go out of my way to make him feel the consequences. Finding peace requires forgiveness, and the best form of revenge is to move on and leave him and his manipulation behind. I know you feel he deserves to know how badly he hurt you, but every day spent hurting is another day thinking about him. Which is exactly what he seems to want. Your attention — at any cost.

  41. Anonymous says

    Heya Friend,

    Thanks a Lot for your consistent feedback. Well, I do not believe in revenge either hence I agree with what you saying. I am simply going to move on and leave rest of the things to fate. I will update you IF he contacts me again. Have a good week ahead!

  42. Anonymous says

    Thanks Friend. Well, I dont have much choice than to move on since he already wated my 5-6 golden years. I too wonder IF his wife knows about his betrayal stunts OR IF he has left her OR Planning to leave her. I went through hell lot of time and pain to overcome the pain and I am still healing hence I have lost all the strength to even try and find IF he is single. One of my friend asked me to find out IF he was single or divorced etc but I dont have any stamina to even see him with someone else. Plus, I dont see any point in being friends with him IF he is single again. He already knew my intention while we were together. All he needs to do is simply pick up the phone and be a man to apologise. One more expert clearly informed me to reply only when he is clear in his approach to re-concile. No point looking back otherwise. For now, I am only hoping for a better present and future as it seems dark now. I will surely update you. Have a good weekend.

  43. James Nelmondo says

    Hi again!

    You’re right about keeping your eyes on your future, and living in the present. It’s tough, but it’s the best way to minimize the pain and recover swiftly. Keep me posted! Have a great week!

  44. Anonymous says

    Hi,

    Its me again from the above post. Hope you are doing good. Here is a further update just for your kind feedback.

    My Ex-Boyfriend has again used a silly and lazy trick to contact me. He has his own business hence he has placed my e-mail in his official subscribers list suddenly. This has never ever happened throughout our relationship. This is the 1st e-mail from his business i.d. I was surprised to see one Newsletter from his company stating that, they have re-located. Plus, I received this in my separate e-mail i.d, which was surprising. I already understand that this is again a lazy behaviour and does not require any response but I wanted to update you.

    Why do you think he is using this tricks?
    I will appreciate your superb Insight as always. Thanks in advance as always and Have a great weekend.

  45. James Nelmondo says

    He is obviously afraid of you forgetting/moving on without him. Yes, it isn’t only lazy, it is also irresponsible and shows complete disregard for your feelings.

    Despite his fear of you moving on, he continues to show how ego-driven his emotions are. He knows that sending you any form of contact (even indirect contact such as this) will potentially delay your healing. Not only does he ignore that, but sadly that is very probably the goal of doing it to begin with.

  46. Anonymous says

    Guess? He has e-mailed me yet again on my personal e-mail i.d. The e-mail says, “Hey, I am in other country and I am using this new number for few days. He has even mentioned his travelling dates etc”. I just do not know how to react hence I wont be replying to him at all. I dont even know If he is single again or just sending such lazy and lame e-mails out of the blue. I guess, all his lame attempts will finish soon and he may try to man-up and uses a much stronger attempt soon. Right? As you mentioned long back, Man will move mountains IF he wants to reach me. Right? Pronlem is, I cannot find IF he is single again. My guess is, the day he tries very hard will assure that he is single and may contact much directly. Right?

  47. James Nelmondo says

    There’s no guarantee that he will ever move mountains of course, but he is clearly attempting to either provoke a response out of you, or at the very least make sure you don’t just forget about him.

    His objective is precisely that of getting you to ask yourself whether he is single. Whether he is traveling alone — or in company, e.t.c. All of this is a way of camouflaging his insecurity, by making you insecure instead. Should you respond to these mind-games he may get the ego-boost he’s looking for and disappear again.

    If he cared about you and your feelings in a selfless way, he would be very conscious about making sure he wasn’t confusing you. He isn’t. Which makes me feel that he probably won’t bite the bullet and “man up”. Because his reasoning is primarily egotistic.

    Of course, I could be wrong. And he may decide to move mountains instead. Either way, I would continue to ignore his attempts at distracting you. In fact, I’d probably add him to my spam list :)

  48. Anonymous says

    Well, nothing comes with guarantee and I personally dont even believe in Prince Charimg OR a guy moving mountains etc. Point is, he behaved badly with me hence I am surely aware of people who try to apologise by kind and genuine gestures. I understand what you you are saying but I cannot stop anyone from contacting me. Right? I wont be placing him in Spam since he was a friend and I loved him long back but at the same time, I will Ignore his lame attempts and move on. Plus, we were in a long relationship and he betrayed me by leaving me out of the blue. I will surely want him to be answerable to me some day in life but ONLY IF and when he decides to contact me directly without playing such crazy mind games. IF Not, its fine. I wont give him any ego-boost. I am very clear this time as I will never forget the betrayal either. He may be unhappy which I dont know but he has landed up only messing up many lives. I will surely update you IF he contacts me again for your kind feedback. Thanks!

  49. t-man says

    I can’t help but wonder what happens over time in a situation where pewrson A cheats on peson B, and then dumps them for person C, the person she was cheating on person A with.

  50. t-man says

    As in over time, as the “high” or the “honeymoon stage” wears off, if there is any “holy ****” feeling that hits them, if over time the stuff people told her about screwing up, betraying the person she was with, etc eventually sink in.

    Hope that makes sense.

  51. James Nelmondo says

    Hi T-Man,

    I know exactly what you mean. I can only speak from experience, but I’ve had contact from exs after YEARS of NC that amount to a belated apology. But obviously, this does not necessarily mean they wanted to reconcile. Nor does it mean it always happens (it usually doesn’t). But I’m convinced that within the halls of the ex’s mind there are definately pangs of impulsive realization and grief.

    I usually try and argue that being the dumpee is usually easier in the long term. We aren’t forced to ponder the long-term what ifs that can plague a dumper in the long-term. We’re forced to deal with separation and loss, and take it at face-value for the sake of our own sanity.

    Alot of the time I think dumpers are assuaged by the notion that they can still slide back into an old relationship should the grass not be greener (due to the traumatic reaction of the dumpee). If this change of heart occurs, it is usually — and ironically — too little too late.

  52. Anonymous says

    Hey Unknown,

    How are you?Hope you doing good..This is ME-Anonymous from August 6,2013 and who has had a long communication with you in this thread regarding My Ex’s lazy attempts to contact me..
    Here is an latest update..As you know,I have not responded to his lazy attempts..However,2day after 2 months again, He has emailed me saying,something like this..’Hey..Something Urgent..Please reply when you get this’..I was surprised looking at such message as it seems he really wants to talk to me but I am not sure what is it..After 2 hours,he called me on my phone but I dint pick up as I was not ready to speak with him..

    I am deadly confused as why can’t he simply apologise and inform about his status IF he has left his wife.Its very obvious that he is clearly not happy in his marriage..Point is,I still love him but at same time,I need to clearly know his status before replyg to him..I have also blocked him from everywhere so he does not have any other ways of reaching me except phone and email..Can you please advise as what to do? And Will Ignoring him again get him to try harder by more clarity?

  53. Anonymous says

    Sorry..Small correction..He has Messaged ME on MY Phone..Not emailed..After which,I see his Missed Call as well on my phone!!

  54. James Nelmondo says

    Hello again! Yes, I remember.

    I would go ahead and read whatever he has to say. If it is urgent, and it is something that only you can help with, then I’d weigh reaching out. However, it probably isn’t anything cataclysmic and is probably another poorly veiled forget me not (whether he realizes it or not, he may not be intentionally attempting to sabotage your healing).

    If it is fluff, I would disregard it completely, assuming you have already told him to only contact you regarding reconciliation. Ignoring him may get him to reach out in this way, because it stimulates insecurity (he’ll want to know how you are doing). But if you do want to reconcile, sooner or later the no contact has to end or getting back together simply can’t happen. If you have made clear what your conditions are, you are doing the right thing by limiting contact and disregarding crumbs.

    In short, I would give him the benefit of the doubt by allowing him a brief message explaining what this is about (impersonally via email). If it’s the usual back and forth, shut down communication without hesitation.

  55. Anonymous says

    Hi Unknown,

    Thanks a lot for your prompt reply. Well, I am Highly confused again. I certainly want to reconcile and see, what he has to say but I dont want to be taken for granted. I have come a long way to heal and be strong. I have stayed away from him from 19 months. I strictly followed “No Contact”. Point is, I do not want to deal with him If he is still married. I have also blocked him from everywhere so I am unsure, How to find out.
    Things could have been easier had he simply said, “Hey–I am sorry” but He is still not saying sorry. He needs to learn and face the consequences of betrayal. What will he get knowing How I am doing?He decided his life ahead when he married this other women.
    He left me whithout even informing. How can he expect me to be reply to him after 19 months?
    My question is, Why do you think, he is messaging with this urgent message? Does this indicate divorce or a possible separate from that wife which seems like a rebound now?
    Also, Its been 3rd day as I have not replied to him. What can I message him now? Can you advise exact words so that, I dont sound vulnerable? perhaps, IF this is a ego boost then, I dont want to satisfy him.

  56. Anonymous says

    Hi Unknown,

    I will also like to ADD 2 more questions that, I never placed any conditions on him while breaking up.Our Break-up was sudden as I found out he got engaged. I never got any chance after this shock.I was under shock and simply blocked him as there was NO point of placing any conditions of reconciliation at that time. It would be desperate IF I asked him to contact me only when he wants to reconcile so I am confused when you say that IF I placed my conditions?

    Yes, He always and certainly knew that, I was looking at future 2gether so he knows that while we were dating. What do you meant by reconciliation conditions and when?How can anyone possibly place that while breaking up?and he is married too or perhaps divorced now..

    Please answer my all questions and inform what could I reply to him as been 3 days?
    Will replyg something like this be OK?”Why should I need to listen to your request especially after how you treated me?

  57. Anonymous says

    Can you please advise quickly as I need answers on my so many questions? Need to decide way ahead?

  58. James Nelmondo says

    Hello,

    I can’t advise the exact words, but I would just be honest and direct. I would just ask him point blank what he feels is so important, and why it warrants your attention. It’s the only surefire way of trying to understand why he is reaching out. I wouldn’t overcomplicated the response, but stick to a couple of sentences at most.

  59. James Nelmondo says

    Hey, sorry for the late replies but I’m having a hard time keeping up lately (this isn’t my job after-all!).

    What I mean about establishing conditions is to prevent situations such as these. An example of a condition would be saying “only message me if you have some important to say, not just to say hello”. So you don’t have to deal with this kind of confusing contact.

    Yes, you could write that message, and it might force him to be honest or realize how he treated you, but it might not. If I understand your stance correctly, you fear being taken for granted and used. Am I correct? If so I would say as little as possible. Let him do the explaining and then judge what to say from there, once you know what he is contacting you about.

  60. Anonymous says

    Hey Unknown,

    Thanks a Lot for your prompt reply.I surely understand that,this is not your job & I appreciate your advise & time to reply on my request. I was VERY disturbed hence I posted my comment on your page. Hope that’s OK. Here is another update– I finally replied to HIM AFTER 3 days & AFTER 19 Months of NO Contact. I simply replied,” What is so Urgent which requires only my attention?”..He has replied AFTR Half a day saying, “Hey..It was Urgent..Where have you been & Why have you not replied to me as I have tried contacting you several times from long..How are you?”….
    I chose 2 b silent as I am quiet amused as what is his intention?Can you please advise as why would he do that? What does this indicate from your experience? Does this show he will soon talk about reconciliation OR Is this just a breadcrumb?Do help in your free time..

  61. Anonymous says

    How should I really react on His Message?? As you may recollect from my above story in this page, He got married without even informing me so I never even got closure..Ideally,I wanted to outburst saying,How Can you expect me to be your friend etc…But then somehow,I dint feel like replying to him for now as I don’t know,IF he wants to reconcile OR what is his motive? I am very clear that, I don’t intend to be his friend at all but I want to know as why is he contacting me after so long and every month? Does this show that he is probably unhappy wid his wife hence he may share this with me IF I keep Low contact? OR will my outburst show him I still care & he may not share his status?How should I find out without chatting much with him?
    Kindly share your thoughts when you get time as I am disturbed.

  62. James Nelmondo says

    It sounds to me like the only real “urgency” is contacting you to see how you are doing, and potentially to gauge how you feel about him.

    The fact that he is resentful of the fact that you replied a few days late shows how he still feels as if he has the right to expect your attention. I would ignore it, or ask him what it is that is urgent. I would ignore the smalltalk and get straight to the point. It sounds like breadcrumbs to me. If he has something important to say, it should be said directly, without the chit-chat. You have every right to ignore him, and I think he should be reminded of this.

  63. James Nelmondo says

    As mentioned below, I would ignore the chit-chat. I sounds to me, personally, as if he still expects your attention. Your attention should be earned, he has absolutely no right in demanding a response, and thus I would ignore it, unless he is able to tell you exactly why he is contacting you.

  64. Anonymous says

    Hey Unnown,

    Thanks a lot for your kind feedback. I appreciate your time. As you can see, I am highly confused. I did not response to him as I do not know what to ask him. I already asked Him what was urgent after 3 days. This was My FIRST Message AFTER 19 months. However, As you see, his reply said, It was Urgent and thats why I am not replying to him. Now, I need your feedback on my dilemma and confusion.
    1. My question is that, I still do Love him a lot. The Fact that he is contacting me means that he is probably not happy in his marriage. Right?
    2. I do want to reconcile with him BUT in the right way hence my question is, I have already replied to him once so will Ignoring his 2nd message still get him to reach me and be direct? Meaning, Do I have to still reply to his this message IF I need to reconcile at some point of time? After going through may articles and experts, some say that give him silent treatment again till he says, “I am Sorry and Can we get back” etc and some say, sometimes breadcrumbs are the start and they dont say it directly.
    3. Point is, I dont want to force him to aplologise and bring up past now to shown him, I am vulnerable. I do wanted to outburst saying How much he hurt me etc. My question is, Should Indifference and silent treatment get HIM to THINK MORE and approach me again OR Will replying be bettter?
    It will be appreciated If you can have speak to some dumpers as How they feel and what should I do for him to simply say it directly since I do KNOW that he still likes me a lot.
    Kindly do advise when you get the time.

  65. Anonymous says

    1. Few articles do say that, Dumper needs to say it directly that, ” I am sorry and Can we get back OR Talk etc?. I need to understand, Do I need to reply to him again in the hope OR Simply keep silent again so that relaises on his own?
    2. He has surely betrayed and hurt me a lot hence I need him to realise the same. I did give HIM a Chance by breaking my NO Contact after 19 months. However, as you see his reply above already. Plus, I am not even aware of his status IF he is single again OR what. These thoughts are disturbing ,me but I dont want to fall back in the rut where he himself does not know what to do. Is his ego stopping him from that OR Will he say it IF I continue my silent treatment? What do other dumpers do?
    Please help me as this is about my life and I am very disturbed. Will appreciate your feedback whenever you get the time. Thanks a lot.

  66. James Nelmondo says

    Hi again, with regards to your questions:

    1) It’s really impossible to tell. Although if he was living a fulfilling marriage I doubt he would be contacting an ex.

    2) Both are true, depending on the person. I know you are looking for answers, but remember that you know this man better than any relationship writer can. Going silent can work, because it forces them to see what life is like without you, OR it may cause them to drift away. Given his history of manipulation I would go silent until he says something direct. But that’s just me, and it might never happen.

    3) In order to reconcile you will have to be able to talk comfortably and honestly, so yes, at some point a conversation must be started. But if he is unwilling to be honest with you you’re better off ignoring him for your own peace of mind.

    The problem here is that he may well be scared of being rejected by you, and you are scared of looking vulnerable, and so it sounds like it is difficult to talk serenely without pain.

    I can’t know what he is thinking, he might just be lonely and not really want to reconcile. The only way of knowing for sure if he is not telling you is by asking him directly if he is single and willing to reconcile. If you can’t do that, if you think it is wrong of you to do that, then the next best thing is sticking to no contact until he makes it clear. But it might never happen.

  67. James Nelmondo says

    I can’t tell you the answer to that, nobody can. Most people prefer going silent so they can heal, but that means risking never talking again. Some people prefer staying in touch, but that means risking never healing. There are no solutions, only choices. Both can work an both can fail. Personally, I prefer going silent, and it has worked in the past with regards to reconciliation.

  68. Anonymous says

    Hey Unknown,

    Its ME again from the above post..Thanks for your feedback. I see,sometimes you give 2 feedbacks by saying, do it and don’t at the same time..Why is that IF I may ask?I will appreciate your strong feedback even IF is difficult but truth..Like eg–I 1 lady expert told me clearly to stay silent so I stayed NO Contact again..Please don’t worry that, I will ever blame you OR anyone IF it does not work..After all, you are only helping people in distress with your feedback so its fine..
    Here is my further update for your strong feedback—
    1..Kindly check my old post where I replied to him on his Urgent Message but He said, It was Urgent and why was I not replying to him & that he is trying to contact me..Asking me,How I was…I went SILENT by not responding..
    2..After 1 week, He simply 4wards me, CHAT Messenger Message once again on Phone & Email again BUT I ignored it..AFTER 3 days, HE Message ME again saying this, “BTW, Why are you not downloading this chat Messenger?Are you there on this Messenger?…I Need to Tell you something…”

    I am unsure what should I do as he is not telling me..I did reply to him on His URGENT Message when he said,there’s something Urgent..I asked Him what is urgent?after 2 days..He is Messaging again..Why Can’t he simply apologise OR simply say,Can we Talk? I do want to reconcile with him but cannot risk IF he is sending breadcrums..Can you please advise what would YOU do in my place?Should I reply OR stay silent? Wil he contact again IF I Ignore this as he is contacting often nowadays..I am concerned as I will be going out of the country next week for 10 days so my Phone won’t reach him..Kindly do reply when you get the time..Thanks again!

  69. James Nelmondo says

    Hello again!

    I mentioned earlier on in the comments what I would personally do.

    If he has something important to say, it should be said directly, without the chit-chat. You have every right to ignore him, and I think he should be reminded of this.

    I would just ignore him completely unless he either apologizes or asks you to talk about the relationship.

    With regards to giving conflicting advice, the reason is that there is no right way of approaching these problems. Going silent might cause him to be direct, but it might also cause him to become more distant. In this case I would say go silent because it will help you heal, and might also force him to be honest with you. But it might also cause him to misinterpret your silence with resentment, and consequently pull away.

  70. Anonymous says

    Hey Unknown,

    Thanks a Lot for your strong feedback. Well, I still do love him but at the same time, I will never ever forget the way be betayed me. He kept on lieing to me and never informed me that, he was getting married which I feel was the biggest sin on his part. He MUST need to apologize even as a human being. In Fact, I am surprised as why is he playing these mind games till now by sending these Chat forrwards. He wants to chat with me on the Chat Messenger for some reason.

    I dont even feel like replying but just wanted feedback to see IF I am wrong or extra cautious. I do want to reconcile with him but I dont even know IF he is still married or what is happening in his life. You mentioned in your last post that, Personally, Silent has worked for you in terms of reconciliation. Can you explain How and why?
    I will like to proceed as per what works best in terms of reconciliation.
    My Next question and concern is that, I will be flying off to another country in next week for full 8 days so my phone wont be reachable for him to contact me In case he plans to directly communicate. Considering that, he has been contacting me every week, he may try again. Initially, I decided to keep Phone away and use another number of that particular country. One of my friend told me that, In Fact may work for us as he may get extra curious IF My phone is out of reach OR Should I Simply activate my this same number in another country as well for his contact?

    Kindly do advise when you get the time. Thanks a lot.

  71. James Nelmondo says

    Hello again,

    I would use the time away to your advantage and use another number. The inability to communicate should he wish to might make him become more direct with you in the future, because it will cause him to not take your accessibility for granted.

  72. Anonymous says

    Hey Unknown,

    Ok.Thanks for your feedback. Can you please answer my 1st Question?
    In one of your last post, you mentioned that, ‘Personally, Being Silent has worked for you in terms of reconciliation’….
    Can you please explain, How? Can you narrate your story?Do you know someone who has had successful reconciliation after keeping silent?
    Kindly do advise when you get the time.. Thanks!

  73. James Nelmondo says

    Sometimes by going silent you force the other person to fully realize what life without you is really like. When I say without, that also includes being there in case they want to chit-chat over texts. It is a way to force them to stop taking your presence for granted. It shows them that your own life is your priority, and that you are capable of living a full life without them.

    Some exs think they can go back to their older exs if their new relationship doesn’t work out. By going silent, you remind them that you are not a backup plan, and it can force them to ask themselves what having you in their lives ultimately means for them.

    In my case it worked (I think) because it helped restore an emotional imbalance. When I realized the relationship was threatening to end I became desperate to make them stay, and proceeded to suffocate them with my insecurity. I went limited contact to free myself from the dependency of needing someone else in order to be happy, not as a way to get them back.

    I used the time to regain control of my feelings, feel better about myself as an individual and not just as a partner. Happily the time apart also reminded my ex that they fundamentally missed me. Had I kept chasing without going NC however, she would probably have kept running away and never looked back.

  74. Amanda says

    Hi Unknown,

    Reading your blog has helped me feel better for the first time. I’m just recovering from a long and drawn out breakup.

    We were together 4 years and the last 4 months or so we were bickering, mostly initiated by me. He tried to break up with me at one point but changed his mind. We finally broke up a month later after I asked for a break and he made it permanent despite me changing my mind as I said it in the heat of going through some family stuff. He said maybe in the future we’ll get back together and the decision just hit him. He said he was just as freaked out by it. Oddly, he seemed just as bewildered.

    He said he wasn’t happy and I made him feel unappreciated and took him for granted. I gave it a month and contacted him because I felt going NC would be punishing him when he did nothing wrong. He was receptive and even text me the next day. That went on for 4 months until I decided I needed to come clean about how I felt or move on. The 4 months was interspersed with him flirting, giving me compliments or calling me my old nickname (mostly while drunk), I usually thanked him and gave him smiley faces and did not get too committal because I was cautious. I began to pull back a month before I got a hold of him to have the all-or-nothing conversation.

    I asked him if he considered trying again and he said he had but he’d been seeing someone for the past month but it wasn’t serious. I told him I was happy for him but we need to stop talking so I can move on. I cleared the air on some things, explained why I asked for the break because he still thought I had lashed out at him for no reason. Explained it felt like we gave up without trying. Told him that I wished he communicated how he felt, like had a proper, calm conversation like he did when he was breaking up with me. He insisted he told me in the heat of the moment (“You’re nit-picking again!”) but I pointed out that the heat of the moment is too volatile to have a civil conversation detailing if one is unhappy and their concerns regarding the relationship. He then mused about it not being fair to the new girl to dump his emotional baggage on her. He seemed to listen to my points and even said, “Maybe one day we’ll meet again”. I told him not to say things like that as that leaves things open-ended and he quickly agreed.

    A week later, he sends me an email saying he hadn’t been able to sleep these past months cause he felt he made a mistake. Even though he feels I did take him for granted/made him feel unappreciated, he gave up too easily and it’s eating at him. Our last conversation put him in so much emotional upset, he stopped seeing the new girl. He’d like to talk things over again. He realized he made a mess by making what he thought was his only choice at the time, but ended up abruptly leaving behind a large part of his life.

    I respond a few days later to set up a time to talk. We talk 3 days later only for him to say, “I’m sorry I can’t do this”. This sent me over the edge, I was genuinely moving on and his email reversed everything. I tried to reason with him for an hour and tried to change his mind. I didn’t beg but he insisted he wasn’t willing to go through with it and he was seeing someone anyway. I said, “I thought you stopped seeing her”, and he says he put things on hold while he figured things out and he made his decision over the weekend. He cares about this new person and wants to see how it goes. Said it’s hard for us cause we don’t hate each other but we’re only thinking about the good times. He’d had thoughts about coming to see me when I mentioned I’d be in his city but quickly thought it’d be a bad idea and he hadn’t thrown away my pictures even, then he’s like, “I’ve probably said too much”. This time around he seemed more concerned with not giving me false hope and trying to choose his words. He urged me to find someone else and I said maybe we can talk in the future. He said he didn’t want to say yes cause he didn’t want me to wait but he cannot rule it out since we don’t hate each other.

    He said he stopped seeing me as someone he’d spend the rest of his life with because of something I said about his friends 8 months ago. Oddly, I was repeating something he always said about them and he had agreed with me at the time. He pretty much switched everything on me, and even after agreeing about his lack of communication previously, he changed it up to try to insist that he communicated how he felt. He seemed more over it the more I tried to change his mind and convince him I’d changed, so I finally let him go.

    I sent him an email afterwards trying to convince him that we can fix things since we actually know what went wrong, and he said he does have regrets about how it ended and the role he played but he’s moving on with his emotional scars and isn’t changing his mind.

    Now I feel like remaining in contact helped him move on to someone else and just as I pulled back, it was already too late because they started seeing each other as soon as that happened. His history of indecisiveness still makes me wonder if he’s really made his final decision. I wonder if the new girl talked him out of trying to work things out with me by giving him his “emotional scar” crutch. He mentioned that quite a few times and he hadn’t used that phrase before. He also seemed oddly philosophical with how break ups work, considering this was his first relationship. Saying things like this is part of how relationships work, he just has to move on with his scars and regrets; the end was a natural progression.

    I had contacted him out of guilt and was actually working on myself the whole time. I didn’t try to push him because I felt it would be disingenuous to say, “Oh look, I’ve changed!” after a month but maybe I waited too long and became an option. When I asked him the ideal situation, he said maybe if I were more upbeat. I pointed out that he said he’d noticed I was happier, to which he agreed then changed his tune to, “Well, I can’t explain how emotions work”. He’d just explain things away as him being fickle or his initial thought of coming to see me as not knowing how his mind works.

    I’m letting go but can’t let go of what he said in his email and how quickly he switched. Over the course of a weekend? Did he briefly panic and then remembered to take comfort in the fact that he has something new and exciting?

  75. Amanda says

    PS: He said the reasons he was trying to move on so quickly was because he’d never been in as much emotional pain as he was when he felt he couldn’t make me happy. Felt like he failed in what he wanted to do. I did apologize, told him I felt terribly and let him know that constantly being hard on myself affected us and I learned to be OK with my imperfections and other peoples’. He knows that about me and always tells me I’m hard on myself. He looked over it too as I apologized. I thought he was going to roll his eyes. I just read your post on being taken for granted and I feel even worse. I think it describes how he felt to a tee. I believe all hope is lost. I messed up.

  76. James Nelmondo says

    Hello there!

    I think, to a certain extent, though I obviously don’t know the ins and outs of your relationship, taking for granted is part and parcel of relationships (if you really think about it, it’s almost why we agree to structure in the first place). Unless something specific happened, or a chronic pattern of abuse occured, I wouldn’t overinvest in self inflicted torture over your role in the unravelling of the relationship.

    Sure, mistakes were made, from what you tell me it seems as if the relationship was something that brought him down, rather than up, and that this is the real issue. Perhaps he associated you with a spectrum of attributes that causes him to feel slightly trapped.

    Love is seldom the issue, but day-to-day fulfillment is, hence the post-breakup confusion. He may love you, but feel burdened by what reconciliation might mean. In short, he probably fears or resents the notion of ending up feeling the way he did last time.

    I can’t comment on whether or not you took him for granted because there doesn’t seem to much in the way of it from what you have described. So, from what I can tell, the problem is that any attempt at looking for yes or no answers (security) on your end, only serves to reinforce the reasons why he left in the first place. I’m sorry if it sounds brutal, and as always, I could be completely wrong.

    If I’m right, this is nobodies fault. If he is complaining about the knit-picking, being taken for granted or any push for answers, to me, it screams that he no longer associates you with something that liberates him from the wear and tear of his day to day. Essentially: If he sees the phone going off with your number flashing before his eyes, what is he likely to expect from the call, and more importantly, how is it going to make him feel?

    Breakups will always exacerbate this aspect of the connection (it is no longer a positive association), but it probably preceeded the breakup. The answer usually lies not in specific events, but how the long-term routine affected him.

    It isn’t fair, of course. But that’s the thing about relationships. It’s about feelings, and not existential justice. Nor should you feel guilty about pushing for clarity for your own sake.

    Regarding his “new flame”. She probably presents a positive association which helps him alleviate the loss of affection (bear in mind, my entire diabtribe has nothing to do with love, it usually has nothing to do with it, and he may well have rebounded primarily because being thrust into the void of singledom is simply too painful).

    In summary, guilt, insecurity and other natural by-products of the breakup are probably the root and cause of ongoing conflict. And given his reasoning, it seems to be as if attempting to “convince him” of anything is only reinforcing his decision to call it quits. Sorry for the brutality, and I hope that makes some sense!

  77. James Nelmondo says

    I actually read this afterwards, and I do feel that in part it vindicates my point! Actually, you say so yourself.

    being hard on myself affected us and I learned to be OK with my imperfections and other peoples

    This is what my gut tells me might be the issue. Minus the “I” since otherwise the entire phrase is a little ironic :)

  78. Amanda says

    Thank you so much for your insightful reply. I know that was a long read.

    I kept telling my friends who said he may come back, that right now, coming back is not an appealing prospect. What the relationship means to him or has to offer in his mind are equated with negative feelings. From his focus on the bad times to his body language when he rejected the idea of seeing me when I was in his city. It was like he physically shoved us away from him because he doesn’t want to go back to how those feelings.

    I read that, with time, people forget the negative memories and just feel nostalgia. But he’s self-aware enough to talk himself out of that emotion and remind himself of what went wrong and that’s he’s just missing the good times (even though he admitted it accounted for majority of our time together). The advice I got seemed not to anticipate people who are able to do that.

    I thought staying in contact and reaffirming positive memories and being positive would sway him. But it seemed maybe the mere presence of myself in his life served as a constant reminder. I am a bit scared that exiting now he has someone else only serves to have him refocus all of his attention to the new flame and have things get “serious”. He did say we should take the lessons we learned and apply them to the next person. She could also take what he told her about me and use it to her advantage to win him over.

    Lastly, he said he wasn’t changing his mind anytime soon and was moving on with his regrets (ending things abruptly, and not working things out) and I should let it go. That would have been a reason to try again, but he made a conscious decision not to, despite that. After that final email, I asked if he had been confiding in her the whole time we were together (because he said she knows what’s happened with us when he said he put things on hold with her) and I got emotional and berated him for being cruel, playing games and messing with my head but I didn’t really expect or get a response.

    Now the question is, is there anything I can do? I know you have no way of predicting things, but is there any hope?

  79. Amanda says

    I am also kicking myself for not attempting to reconcile when there was no one else in the picture yet and he was getting sentimental. I kept trying to tread carefully and not scare him away and wanted to be absolutely sure they weren’t one-off occurrences. I feel he was able to reject me because he has a new prospect anyway. I wonder if he’d have been so unwilling to work things out if there wasn’t a distraction. Since he kept saying, “Plus, I’m seeing someone” when I was trying to convince him.

  80. James Nelmondo says

    Projection is definately the most frustrating and painful aspects of attempting to reconcile. His associating you with something negative, ultimately resides within him. Attempting to redefine the connection with a new you 2.0, thanks to lessons learned, new context and a new drive towards a healthy relationship can be nigh impossible.

    Even if these are all things which have happened. I am convinced that breakups are an opportunity for growth, but once the “growth” happens, the hardest part can be conveying this introspective change. Sometimes tryign to convey it verbally, only serves to reinforce suspicion. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

    Oh, and I used to agree with you regarding how to time conditions us to shave off the negative aspects of a past relationship. That is, until I was seemingly corrected by what is now known (I’m told) as our communal negativity bias.

    What to do? I’m not sure. But here’s what I would do. NC. Let’s face it, right now he has had the priviledge of your attention, and attached affection (even if it was in the guise of the occasional berating, if you didn’t care, you wouldn’t have gotten heated — and he knows this).

    It’s easy for him to label you as an option and subsequently take you for granted. He has no uncertainty to weather. And this apparent rebound relationship to contend with (I say rebound because had he been head over heels for her, you probably wouldn’t of heard from him again). You on the other hand are already forced to process ongoing anxiety and the very real prospect of having to let go completely. How can time not serve to work in your favor and balance the emotional connection? You have everything to gain, and nothing to lose. The opposite seems true for him.

  81. James Nelmondo says

    If you had reconciled it would only have been due to his insecurity (which is the way I read sentimental within the context of your comment). And thus, I fear, it would have fallen apart the moment the vacuum of affection would have started brimming again (thanks to you, ironically).

    But then again, perhaps I’m being far too gloomy.

  82. Amanda says

    Thank you for your response. You’re making a lot of sense. I can’t control anyone’s emotions or how they view things. I’m just going to try to move forward even though I keep being worried about him and the new flame getting serious and cementing the end of our relationship. But there’s not much I can do about that. I can’t help looking back wondering if he’s really made his final decision based on his history. Going from being sad, regretful about the break up, ending things with the new flame and wanting to fix things, to being aloof, passive aggressive, planning to reunite with the new flame and not wanting to bother with fixing things. All within a few days. I keep thinking maybe he got to see the new flame over the weekend and she knew the right things to say to sway him considering he told her what happened. But he may just be that indecisive. I’d rather not go through the pain again and the loss of dignity from how he spoke to me, and I’m going to try to erase any hope of reconciliation. In a way, I arrived at the same decision he arrived at.

  83. James Nelmondo says

    I don’t mean to sound patronizing in any way, but really, I think that in the long-run you may well be thankful that his new flame — and not you — will be the host of his upcoming emotional warfare. In the timeless words of Brian May:

    “Too much love will kill you, if you don’t make up your mind. Torn between the lover and the love you leave behind.”

    Sorry for getting all maudlin :) I just thought the lyrics were appropriate.

    As painful as seeing someone else emerge next to our exs really is, it is also an unparalleled chance to see how much of a priority we really are. And the resulting blacks and whites are a necessary (if painful) tool to combat his indecisivness.

  84. Amanda says

    I do know going cold turkey will help me with my insecurity in the long run. But I wonder, you advocate LC instead of NC. Would you say it’s advisable in my case? I did tell him that I needed to stop talking to him so I can move on. So honestly, if I contacted him anytime soon, he’d probably want to know why as he’d told me he did want me to move on and he was going to do the same. At the same time, I selfishly worry that NC will help him move on as well and validate his decision.

  85. Amanda says

    Hi Unknown,

    How are things? I haven’t heard from you since my last comment. Wanted to know if you’d advice LC as a path to reconciliation down the line. My birthday came and went without hearing from him. Even though I wasn’t expecting to, it still hurt. It seems he is serious this time about not giving me false hope or breadcrumbs. I appreciate it and feel hopeless at the same time.

  86. James Nelmondo says

    Hi Amanda, sorry for the delay, I’ve been a little busy behind the scenes!

    It really doesn’t sound like you have a choice, unfortunately, because deciding between NC and LC is really only an option if you are receving feedback to begin with.

    As you say, at least he is serious about not sending you mixed messages, which at least means that if he does contact you, he will have something to say.

    I would go cold turkey until he decides (if he decides) to contact you. Personally, if he did reach out for a chit chat I would go NC. If he reached out with something specific, I would probably answer (opening the door for LC).

  87. Amanda says

    Thanks so much for taking the time out to respond. I had a minor breakdown when I checked his Facebook and saw her post on his wall. I was hoping deep down they’d be over by now. Silly, I know. But I seem to feel so much better coming out of just letting myself go through those emotions. All in all, I really appreciate your advice.

  88. James Nelmondo says

    Amanda, I know exactly what you mean. While it is extremely painful, coming to terms with difficult realizations means that much of the deep-seated anxiety (the constant dreaded what-if) is channelled freely. No matter what happens the shredding of expectation only ever works in our favor because we finally confront our fears.

    You’re absolutely welcome, best of luck!

  89. Anonymous says

    Hi James, Unknown,

    How are you? Hope you doing fantastic as ever. This is me again. You have been kindly advising me way ahead since few months. Hope you remember me. I will appreciate If you can go through my case as I need your further feedback. Here is further update.

    On Oct 27,2013, My Ex-Boyfriend has messaged me this as his 10-11th attempt. Out of which, few were lazy attempts in past. ‘Hey..Can you download this Chat?Y R U not on this Chat? I Need to Tell you something’…
    At that time, I was about to fly out of country for 2 weeks so I thought will not respond. It has been 1 month now but he has not tried contacting again. One of my old friend advised me to reply to him but I was confused. He wants to chat with me on this messenger. He has forwarded that messeger adding request almost 8 times in past 6 months. I think, he has given up on that now. Lol.

    Also, Bi-mistake, I sent him a Blank Message instead of “what do you have to tell me?. This was sent from my end recently, 1 week back, which would be 1 month after he messaged me. One of my old friend advised me to reply to him but I was confused so in that confusion, blank message got sent. He wants to chat with me on this messenger. One of my friend was sharing her thoughts and I have been reading few articles that says, sometimes, dumpers start out by reaching us in form of breadcrumbs. It says that, One can reply on breadcrums IF they make 6-7 attempts IF I do want to reconcile. Dumper wont come on strongly and say they want us back after years since they dont know our status. Technically, he has already made more than 10 attempts. They are mix of lazy attempts and recent ones which are better. Will Ignoring further push him away forever?
    He has forwarded that messenger adding request almost 8 times in past 6 months. I think, he has given up on that. However, there has not been any response from his end on this blank message.
    Can you please advise with your kind feedback as, Should I still Message him asking, “What do you have to tell me? OR Is it too late? OR His “No reaction” on blank message shows that he was not so keen? I am unsure, IF replying him now will show my interest OR Will it be fine?
    Ideally, I did wanted to know, what he wants to tell me since he has tried contacting me even before that saying “Something Urgent”. However, Now I am confused as he has not reacted on my blank message. Other problem is, I dont have other source to understand whats going on in his life. meaning, IF he is divorced or still married or unhappy. Perhaps, IF he is in some problem or something. My concern was, I do wanted to knwo what he wanted to tell me but not IF he is sending messages for ego boost? IF he was very keen, would he react on my blank message OR Is he further angry since I never added him on that chat messenger? This may have made him think that I dont care further. What should I do?
    I will obviously like to follow your advise as I want to do what is right for me. Kindly do share your feedback when you get the time. Thanks a lot as always. Have a good week ahead.

  90. James Nelmondo says

    Hi again anon!

    I think sending a blank message, or replying with breadcrumbs is enough to give him the ego-boost (he wants your attention), and also continues to define your relationship as a mind-game.

    If you are genuinely curious about what he wanted to say, or want to open the lines of communication further, I would simply answer with a polite (business like) “Hi X, what did you want to talk about?”. No more, no less.

    If he answers with crumbs I would go back to NC and not bother answering. If, on the other hand, he has something specific to say, I would consider whether or not to reply.

  91. Anonymous says

    Hi James,
    Thanks for your feedback. I am confused again. Point is, I did send him Blank Mesage bi-mistake but he never enquired ahead. My question is, Will he try to contact me again IF I dont send him any message?
    I surely wanted to know, what he wanted to tell but It has been more than a month now & my blank message was sent after 1 month on his message. My 2nd question is, IF he was so keen to speak with me, wouldnt he try again and express his reaction even on my blank message? I am re-confirming as one of my friend says, he should have reacted or contacted even on the blank message IF he was so keen or apologetic. What is your suggestion? Is it wise to risk and send him this message? Should nt he try harder as he was the one who cheated and betrayed me?

  92. James Nelmondo says

    He “should” have reacted to a blank message (even if it was a mistake). But as you say, there is no guarantee that he had something important to say. More than likely he was simply trying to get your attention because he was feeling lonely or lost.

    It isn’t really wise to open the lines of communication with an ex who lacks transparency, and has taken you for granted. But as you know, love is rarely about being “wise” because it is governed by feelings.

    Yes, he should try harder. Personally, I would not reach out because it would be risky. But for some people it is a risk worth taking. Again, I personally wouldn’t take it if I were you.

  93. Photolic says

    News

    Well my ex girlfriend just broke up with me about one month and half ago, the reasons at the time was something like she didn’t feel the same for me, she kinda lost the interest in my because i was unemployed for 1 year, and the last month we didn’t had sex, she also told me that need to be alone, in the that day she cried and kissed me like a baby while she broke up.

    We both dated 4 years, and we had a very strong chemistry between us, all of our mutual friends was surprised when she broke up with me, because we are like the wonder couple, friendly and always joking and playing with wish other.

    No 3th people involved in the breakup and was a friendly breakup, we never cheated and something like that. I dont have nothing to point at her nor she have about me.

    Well the thing is, after 80 days of LC, almost NC just I broke the NC rule because somethings that she forgot in my house, and was her do text me.

    Well yesterday out of blue she text me:

    Send me a picture with their lunch attached to the text message saying “The restaurant you talked me about, and we didn’t tried both, my parents just took me today and was you told me is lovely, i just loved the place ”

    Well i replyed just saying “yeah i told you its a cool place, hope you enjoyed”

    5 hour latter she called me!! i was like , for someone that doesn’t say you nothing about 80 days a call out of the blue was like the twilight zone!!!

    “hey how are you doing, sorry for calling you for this but… can you give me your card number (store card), i would like to buy some tickets to the university party and with your card number is cheaper…”

    I was like , she didn’t call me for so many days and now call me for a 3 dollars discount, is she crazy or what?? like pretending that everything is ok, she also told me if i wanna come with her and other 3 grils friends of her i could go with her, i just laugh at that proposal and said yes yes sure. I did give her my card number.

    After like 15 of that twilight call, she text me again saying, “sorry for calling you for asking for a discount on the tickets, but you know my finances are not so good at the moment, i think you would enjoy the concert 2, i used to listen to that guys when i was a kid in my mother car”

    Wish i replied, not sure maybe i will go, i don’t know

    wish she replied “tell me if you come and thank you so much for giving me the number ”

    After 15 minutes she also liked my last post on facebook, i was in shock, because she ignored my facebook since the day we broke up. And all at the same time text message me, CALL me, facebook activity.

    What is happening? i really don´t understand if she wants to test the waters?, in my point of view if she wanted to rethink the relationship she would text me something like “hey i need to talk with you, do you have time?”, or “i really regret the decision i made…” or “i missed you lately”.

    But this kind of things i cant understand, what do you think? im starting to moving on (i still love her, true love, i never liked so much any other girl, and for me she is the one… but my heart was ripped off 80 days ago, so i don’t know whats happening with her right now.

    Any advice?

    Thanks for your time

  94. Ricky says

    Hi, Im 22 years of age, So i wanted to know the chances of me and my ex be able to reconcile in the future given she has no partner at that time, and what i should do leading up to that moment.

    First some background:

    So we were together for 3 years 3 months we never had any major disagreements over anything, and we were both very loving, and spoke of the future with each other often, in essence we were something like a perfect match, she Is my first lover and soul-mate.

    In July she went on a month tour of Europe which i supported (even though i couldn’t go for work and financial reasons) we maintained regular contact as best we could, then in the final week there was radio silence until the night before she was due home, we spoke lighthearted, just small talk, but it just didn’t feel right to me (I’ve always had a kind of 6th sense when something wasn’t right with us), so i ignored it and eventually wished her a safe flight home and look forward to seeing her.

    She was back i was elated..but the contact was still irregular (note we both live with our parents) a couple days went by with little conversation so eventually i asked her when we could meet up, but every time the was something new she was busy with, i didn’t mind that but it just seemed after a month of no physical contact would you not want to see that person before anyone? so i called her out one it and said “it seems to me like you have plenty of time for everyone else except me, what is wrong”…and then that gut wrenching reply “i think we should talk about this when we see each other” i was immediately on the offensive and said “are you breaking up with me” then a long period of torture was met with “I wanted to tell you in person, because you deserve at least that”…that one sentence had destroyed me frantically i called her, we both cried and bubbled over the phone for an hour, i tried to convince her that everything she wants to do she can do it I’ve never stopped her doing what she wants but it wasn’t enough she was adamant this is what she needs to do, i demanded we see each other the following day to talk, she agreed.

    D-Day, We met at a local park, i faintly smiled, she returned the favor, we hugged for a long embrace, then sat down. I asked her why she was doing this and i was met with the same, “its what i need to do”, i inquired further as to what that was and it slowly came together. During the final weeks of her tour she had a realization, which was that she wants to be free and have fun for sometime, she realized how much shes missed out on since we had been together, and that she no longer feels ready to settle down in a long term relationship (yes after 3 years of being together happily she wanted to split), after my futile efforts to convince her we can be together and she can still go out and have fun, it was a no go…”so i guess this is it then” i said… i broke down instantly, never had i ever felt such loss and pain we embraced and comforted each other in our sorrow, i know how she felt about me it was just as painful for her to have to do this, to hurt the person she loves, but it had been done none the less, we shared a few brief moments of kisses mixed with tears, and i said my parting words “take care of yourself and stay safe, know that im always here if you need me” (Probably not the best choice of words but it was out of love and compassion) I said a choking “Goodbye” and let her hand slip out of mine as i Stepped away and unto my walk of defeat.

    I caved after a day and sent a beautiful poem of my love for her (written by me) and a short text asking how to cope with this, and how shes doing it, after the advice i promised i wouldn’t bother her again. Two weeks had gone by i was still devastated, but i at least had me appetite back (man was i hungry), the it came…a txt from her…”hey” i responded “hey” we spoke lightly for a couple days then eventually she asked me if i would go with her to get her tongue pierced as support, foolishly i know, i agreed. She came by i hopped in the car and it felt nostalgic of sorts, but not so bad, we maintained light conversation on our journey mixed with some humor and jokes, it was good, so i thought we could maintain some kind of friendship perhaps, this continued for 3 weeks but that 3rd week was so much more difficult than the others, those feeling came intruding back in like a thunderbolt i had issues seeing pictures of her out with friends clubbing, she was having fun although nothing suspicious went on it affected me greatly because, all i could think was, how can you do that without me, how is its so easy for you to go out and be unaffected. It Hurt. By night my mood had lightened, while i was waiting for the bus after work i txted her, how she was, whats she up to, then i just said it “do you want to have sex with me?” It seems like a joke but part of me was serious, she responded “wow” “are you serious?” i replied “i don’t know…maybe” after some suspense she responded “It wouldn’t mean we were getting back together” I said i know that, and she agreed to it, (don’t worry, nothing eventuated as you’ll find out) i was quite happy, (im a man with needs, shes a woman with needs, we have history, and were comfortable with each other, were our reasons) Especially since neither of us are the type of people to seek a hook up from a random person (not saying its bad, but its just not us).

    After a few extra days of light chatter, we arrive at present day, i asked her if she would meet up, so she did, we had lunch walked around the mall a bit, sat in the car and watch some YouTube videos on my phone, then it was time to get me home. She parked at the top and i asked if i could talk to her for a moment, so she turned the car off, In a nut shell i said “I’m sorry we dragged things out like this, but after today i don’t think its wise for us to keep in contact, not for some time, real time, i feel like your getting some closure from what happened to us, and im still suffering, its just too hard for me to keep holding onto you when im getting nowhere, i don’t regret that we jumped too soon it was fun while it lasted but this has to be it” she agreed and added that she was starting to feel like that too, i saw the tears streaming down her face and it almost broke me, but i stayed relatively composed, i told her that she was going to be okay, and gave her my (maybe) final hug and kiss, and asked her to try be resilient for at least a month plus from contact i said id wish her a safe flight to Australia when she goes at the end of November but until then…, she nodded and i said my final goodbye. As soon as i walked into my room i cracked…again and sobbed for a few minutes, so here i am at square one again.

    Things to Note:
    -I have removed pictures on my phone not many tbh
    -Deleted all messages from her
    -Remover her from my FB chat window, and un-followed her so i don’t get her posts
    -I refuse to delete everything about her at this time, Number FB etc (just severely limited)
    -Slowly trying to stay in contact with my friends, i don’t have many friends i can talk to about this, so im almost alone here, spoken to my dad but we have conflicting morals so no deal
    -I have little to no goals at the moment, so its difficult for me to see a new path, as i had planned what i had hoped to be our future together with my Ex
    -I’m mainly looking for things i can do in the meantime, that can positively effect the outcome of contacting her later (not in a month, but maybe in a year etc) just things to improve, maybe something about myself?

    Sorry about the Disney story, but this is how i portray my feelings etc, story book lol

    I appreciate any help and advice! thank you, feel free to email me directly also :)

    P.S. this also serves as a testament to how im coping, in essence keeping my mind occupied through positive thought or work, thanks.

  95. lauren says

    My ex broke up with me bc he lost feelings for me. He had pursued me for the 2yrs of our relationship. Recently asked my dad to marry me. Then told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship anymore, we can be friends, and he “thought of me as a sister, yet was still physically attracted to me.” We were LDR our relationship, saw e/o once a month. I am moving back home this week. We have seen e/o twice at church, but I have not contacted him at all for 5 weeks. Last time I talked to him he said he missed having someone to talk to. He also has told me that we both should go on dates with other people to gain better perspective, but he is leaving the possibility of us getting back together open. What in the world do I do? Im moving home, hoping it will make him miss me and give him time to decide what he wants. He keeps telling me he doesnt know anything anymore, and keeps saying we are broken up, and he doesnt feel ready for a relationship with anyone right now. This whole thing came as a shock bc he had pursued me so hard! I never really had to initiate! Although I did, it was 50/50. It just doesnt make sense! I miss him so much, I am his first GF and he is the first man I deeply loved. What do I do?

  96. JRT says

    This one one of the more studious and intelligent articles that I have come across as I have been trying to cope with my situation. Thanks for the insight!

    Here is mine:

    All breakups are unique as much as the relationship and the people within it. But after 2 ½ months after my breakup and researching information online, I have not come across one quote like mine. Did you ever meet someone where you felt that the match was so compatible and the situation was SO right that God Himself was responsible for putting you both together?
    My ex and I were together for 2 years. They were very good years with very little if any arguments and fighting (a red flag I would later conclude). We were having a great time, making plans, doing things and having a lot of fun. We became engaged and she moved in to my home with my daughter and I. Three weeks into her living here, she packed up everything that she had just hauled over and left while I was out of town on business. She sent me a text in the afternoon telling me that our relationship was over…that I should never try to contact her. She blocked me on her phone, text, social media, deleted all of our mutual friends and compelled her friends and family to unfriend me (successfully). I have no idea where she had moved to either. There was no incident, no acrimony and by her own accounts supported by her friends, family and co-workers, I was a dream come true for her in the way that I treated her and our compatibility.

    I had tried to contact her after a month of NC and I was greeting with the threat of a PPO from a lawyer friend of hers. I sent a letter to her a few weeks later and it was returned unopened. Come to find out that after a significant amount of digging that there are folks that have an incredibly intense fear of intimacy to the extent that they reject the very thing that they long for. Everything, as is true with hindsight, added up that I researched.
    I do speak with her father every now and again who tells me that she is seeing a therapist and working on this problem (she has sabotaged all of her relationships in all of her 44 years) but she refuses to discuss why she did what she did to even her family, apparently. I am having a hard time dealing with the way that this was done by her and the future that changed radically at a moments notice….I am otherwise a very emotionally healthy and strong person – I am shocked at how painful this has been. Largely because of the silence….I probably would have been over it by now if she had the mind to call me and tell me what kind of a horrible person that I was or something to that effect. Any thoughts? I mean: is she going through hell over there? Should I hold out?