The Internet has been awash in recent years with a veritable tide of relationship quick-fix solutions that cater to a desperate crowd because they know it sells. This preying usually leads the traumatized dumpee to resort to mind-games which in one form or another attempt to starve and isolate the dumper into contacting the dumpee. Often out of guilt and loneliness — would you really want them back out of pity or for lack of anything better to do while the wait for their next project to swing around?
Even if they did, without any real change the likelihood of successful reconciliation is virtually nonexistent as you’d both be thrust right back where you ended. That’s right, emotional ground-zero.
Put yourself first again
As I have previously detailed at length, amputating contact (no contact) can be beneficial to the dumpee if used to detox and regain emotional stability. Using it as a way of starving the dumper of affection will only lead them to bridge the divide out of loneliness or pity, and we’re looking for more than crumbs.
In order to heal you will need to stop thinking about their intentions and progress. Limiting contact is a fantastic way of achieving this, but make sure you explain why you have taken this route, rather than just ignoring them. If you had to accept that they needed time alone, whether temporarily or permanently, they must accept that you will do what you think is right for yourself.
In taking a stand you will also gain a measure of respect in both their eyes, and your own. You may realize, perhaps for the first time since the break up, that you have power over yourself, and are not being thrown around in the current. By putting yourself first you are potentially (if the chance prevents itself) paving the way to a far more efficient reason for reconciliation. One born of respect and not pity.
Find yourself and rebuild
Solidity and independence are more than just peaceful states of mind, they are also contagious and attractive. In order for reconciliation to happen you must have made a serious and demonstrable effort to achieve some self-improvement.
Ironically, the best strategy for reconciliation is one that does not incorporate your ex in any form. It will depend on your ability to introspectively react, regain your drive and move forward with your life.
Take everyday as it comes, enjoy the company of your friends (although you may want to avoid mutual friends for now — trust me — you don’t want to hear about your ex!) and family. Making fresh friendships and memories is even better. Build a new comfort zone, teach your brain (via repetition) to adapt this new reality — and you’re old one will lose its traumatic effect. Indulge in some guilty pleasures but keep a lid on excess. It is not uncommon for dumpees to either gain a lot of weight or lose it (among many other examples) and “letting go” may end up grievously impacting your health and already fragile self-esteem in the long run.
Won’t the dumper just get on with their lives even faster?
Tagging along and suffocating them will drive them further away far quicker than taking a time-out ever well. Guaranteed. If reconciliation does occur, it won’t be because you were in their face with a fake laugh, masquerading as a friend, or a self-defeating shoulder to lean on (use that energy on yourself!). It will be because they will begin to see you in a new light, accompanied by feelings of renewed romantic interest and respect for your new-found strength.
Sometimes, no matter what you do, they will get on with their lives. It’s really that simple. But the more you work on yourself and get on with your life, the easier this concept will be to digest. It is not rare for a dumper to attempt to reconcile with the dumpee in the future only to have the once-distraught dumpee realize they simply aren’t interested anymore. It’s more common than you think. The dumpee will have changed — for the better.
Getting your ex back
Once the dust has settled, and you feel no anger or bitterness regarding your ex, you can begin to think about getting your ex back (if they haven’t attempted to contact you already) and paving the way to reconciliation. To illustrate my point, the following concepts must not make you feel uneasy:
- She/he has probably been dating.
- They may have a new flame.
- They may refuse.
- They may feel angry, bitter or confused.
- They may not be (even physically) who you remember.
If you can accept all of those considerations consider yourself ready. But far more importantly, remember that reconciliation is also the time for you to reflect about whether or not they are what you want. Make the meeting casual and light-hearted, avoid talking about the relationship and get a feel for change that may have occurred in them. If you were a good dumpee then you will have attempted to make an objective list of your personal relationship mistakes and made a note of them, but have they? Just because they dumped you does not mean they were perfect, and as time goes by, you will realize they were far from it. We’re all human.
Your introspection will have increased your experience, strength and value. There is every chance that you deserve far, far more by the end of it all. The beauty of being a dumpee lies in the fact that you only have one road to travel — yours. You will never be blinded by what-ifs and feelings of losing someone the way a dumper potentially can. And in of itself, this is very relieving indeed.