If you’re stuck watching a girl you like from the sidelines, but have no idea how to approach her or subtly let her know how you feel, consider adding these timeless tips to your agenda. None of these suggestions will require you to put on an act or pretend you are something you patently aren’t, nor will they require you taking a leap of faith.
1. Use humor to penetrate boundaries
Do your bouts of flirting feel like playing darts on a marble dartboard? The truth is, there is every chance that’s exactly what you are up against. You’re hammering futilely against a seemingly insurmountable personal boundary.
Instead of chalking it up as a loss, or blaming ourselves or the object of our attention, try humor instead. Why does this work?
It creates a positive association between them and you. If she had a good time, she’ll come to associate you with feeling good.
It’s a natural and fun way to skirt defensiveness and communicate openly without the fear of being judged.
It is a proven way to catalyse attraction. This article on the role of humor while dating by Psychology Today does a great job outlining it’s various advantages.
It displays inner strength, creativity and intelligence. Humor is an intricate creative dance, knowing how to make someone laugh is no mean feat — and will set you apart.
Does all this mean you have to sharpen your stand-up skills? Not al all! All that is necessary is a sprinkling of self-irony, and the ability to see the sunny side of an argument. If anything, over-doing the joker role in a synthetic way will have adverse romantic effects. Nobody likes interacting with someone who is projecting a patently false persona. Keep it sincere, and keep it simple.
2. Stop the trouble talk
Getting a bout of the jitters when talking to a girl we like is all good and well. However, it also has a nasty habit in turning us into attention and validation-seeking pariahs. Stress and nervousness can trick the subconscious mind into thinking that it is dealing with danger. The result?
We end up talking too much or too little.
We seek safe topics instead of inspiring or provocative ones.
We close off our body language, giving the impression we’re not interested or hostile.
A modicum of insecurity is endearing, and to some extent is recognized by all as part-and-parcel of the dating process. But over-doing it can mean handing in a résumé crowned by negativity. Make sure you resist the urge to ball-up defensively. Be yourself. Recognize that what is said is usually less important when dating that how it is being said. Focus instead on relaxing and enjoying yourself.
3. Stand for something
Details, imperfections and outstanding character traits are the flagship of attraction. This is precisely why being yourself is fundamentally important when it comes to attracting a girl you like. You are your best weapon. Think about your personal microcosm of interests and influences, and tally up a list. What defines you as an individual?
It doesn’t really matter what they are, but having something that defines you demonstrates passion, strength and vision. Three, needless to say, immensely important pillars of attraction. I would tentatively hedge they are the holy trinity of values we’re shooting for.
But standing up for yourself doesn’t only mean embracing your inner geek. It is also an attitude. It means demonstrating a healthy level of self-confidence and self-esteem by being transparent and honest. It means disagreeing when you disagree and agreeing when you do. It means not flattering needlessly, but doing so honestly when you are genuinely impressed. In short, it means not selling your own wants and needs out. By doing so you are demonstrating value, and also catalysing attraction by not being a wavering, hollow, push-over.
What is good for you, and what is admired by others is usually symbiotic! But be careful to not veer into arrogance, or fake self-importance, don’t underestimate the ability that people have at piercing insecurity-based smokescreens.
4. Get your body language right
Becoming aware of what our bodies are saying about us is usually a surprising experience. Especially if we’ve never really paid attention to the primordial subconscious dance leaking away our every intention. While there isn’t much we can do regarding giving away our intentions (we can’t opt-our of being subconsciously judged), we can “leak” the right indicators.
The study and understanding of body language is exhaustive, and I can’t even begin to scratch the surface in an article such as this. My only suggestion is to begin to transform the realm of the unconscious to that of the conscious. Make it work for you, and not against you.
5. Be willing to lose
In all fairness, no article on how to attract a girl can ever guarantee success. We can only maximize our chances. Successful dating, or finding a compatible match, usually involves jumping a few fences, accruing a few loses and taking a few painful hits to the ego.
If you are willing to accept there is a chance the entire ordeal will fall flat on its face, you are shedding a great deal of fear. Without the fiery chains of panic and fear, you are vastly improving your odds at achieving success. A failed attempt will become a lesson, not a tragedy. You will be truer to yourself, have more fun in the process and invoke less defensiveness. On top of this, every hit you take will make it easier for you to move forward and be ready to invest fearlessly when the time comes. When it really comes down to it, what do you have to lose? One of my greatest personal epiphanies with regards to dating was realizing I had little to lose, and everything to gain.