How To Rekindle Love With An Ex

There’s a reason it all fell apart, but there’s always also a reason why you fell in love to begin with. If you can’t quite shake the feeling that it can still work, despite the onrush of cynicism that a breakup can inject into your connection, this article may help pave the way to clarity.

So, where does it all begin? By redefining the relationship and discarding the chains of insecurity.

Rekindling Feelings

Feelings, and not structure, reason or logic, are the foundation of rekindling romantic relationships. If we neglect emotion, feelings of romance can collapse, leading to a downward spiral of insecurity which is difficult to halt.

Happily for us, this works both ways, and while feelings in the now might be intrinsically negative, they can be reversed with a sprinkling of objectivity and a great deal of courage.

The problem with breakups is that they catalyze our innate need to seek emotional stability (security) over emotional fulfillment, crushing what little romantic attraction is left in the vice-grip of insecurity.

Burying feelings beneath a smokescreen of control isĀ  understandable, but if we want to reconcile, sooner or later we have to re-acquaint ourselves with the ability to inspire a desirable spectrum of feelings in our ex. Which usually means biting the bullet and stepping away from existing resentment, anger or insecurity (even if these feelings are logical and justified), and focusing instead on repairing intimacy and friendship. Hammering out the kinks will naturally occur as time goes on.

Setting Conditions And Boundaries

Does this mean that the road to reconciliation involves surrendering our needs entirely? Absolutely not.

Shelving indignation and insecurity is one thing, but letting go of our needs and wants is quite another. There is no moral obligation for us to “take one for the team”, nor is this a great way of kick-starting romance in any case. Setting strong boundaries and conditions is essential on all fronts, here are a few examples why:

  • It protects your long-term emotional well being.
  • It improves your sense of self-worth (as well as your perceived value, which — despite how superficial it sounds — helps catalyze attraction as long as it is genuine).
  • It sets a new precedent for transparent and fearless communication.
  • It separates the men from the boys (figuratively speaking). Putting your own needs first is a great way to prompt ex’s who aren’t serious about reconciling to take a step back. If you catch yourself in a web of mind-games, or are confused by mixed messages, don’t fear putting the foot down and insisting on clarity. It won’t detract from your chances.
  • It leads to an objective and realistic discussion about reconciliation once your boundaries are confronted with theirs.

Yes, feeling good by promoting intimacy (camaraderie, togetherness and friendship) is the prerequisite for resurrecting romance, but it should never come at the expense of our needs.

How To Rekindle Love With An Ex

If swallowing our indignation in the interest of nurturing romance is palatable, and we are willing risk taking a decisive stand on what is fundamentally important to us (even if it causes our ex to back-down), it’s time to set the reconciliation ball in motion.

The first step is always that of strengthening the lines of communication. However, just because you can contact doesn’t mean you should. Familiarity often breeds contempt, and time apart can immensely benefit romance if it is used wisely.

  • Time allows the dust to settle, minimizing the chance that it is insecurity and not love, that leads to reconciliation.
  • Time softens the blow of rejection or denial should reconciliation plans fall through.
  • Time acts as a romantic catalyst.
  • Time allows both parties to understand their own needs and wants objectively, leading to a more decisive and realistic reconciliation process should it be agreed upon.

Don’t let the fear of your ex moving onto “greener pastures” blackmail you into seeking control. If all it takes is a little time (usually a few weeks) for your ex to move on entirely, you may well have dodged an emotional bullet. Should they genuinely miss you, time will do nothing but work in your favor (assuming you do, at some point, bridge contact).

Images courtesy of Rawich /


  1. Carol
  2. catrina