How To Write A Great No Contact Letter

No contact letters are an important and often overlooked step towards regaining emotional self-sufficiency.

If enacted correctly, a well-crafted no contact letter will greatly improve our chances at either reconciling or moving on, regardless of what current expectations are.

And here’s why…

Restoring Trust

The foundation of a functional no contact letter is rooted in its  honest attempt to tear free of manipulation, crumbs and indecision, and present a bare-bones summary of why communication needs to be gutted. In short:

  • No more mind-games.
  • No more grey area.
  • No more guilt, resentment or anger (at least publicly).
  • No more disillusionment and self-inflicted misery.
  • No more self-esteem pitfalls.

No contact letters are not bargaining chips, they are not love letters or contorted adieus, which is exactly why they tend to be effective in the first place. They are a pattern-breaker, a sign that something has fundamentally changed (and stating it will help us move forward psychologically, as well as a communicate to them).

No contact letters are a way of communicating that it’s high time we placed our own needs first in a transparent way, and we’re going to do this without guilt games or emotional blackmail. After-all, If we cared any less, none of this would be necessary.

Les jeux sont faits, the games are over.

What To Write

In order to avoid over-analysis or further openings for the confusing grey area chit-chats. The letter itself should contain only the necessary information and conditions you wish to convey. Nothing else!

This usually means:

  • A brief introduction stating (not asking, telling) that you are going no contact to protect your own feelings and move on.
  • (optional) Offering a condition and medium for questions and further contact (if you are still interested in reconciling).
  • An open-ended well wishing parting message (no guilt trips or resentment).

When it comes to offering a limited contact scenario, make sure that you state clearly what your communication terms are, and what your medium is.

I would advise sticking to a non-personal medium such as Email because it reduces the jitters and the chance of emotionally catalysed impulsiveness.

That’s really all there is to it, crafting a minimal, bare-bones message will trump long-winded fare-thee wells almost every time because they signal that you are once again in control of your emotions (or determined to fight for them).

I know it sounds a little clichĂ© and superficial, but security is — well — sexy. By opting for the less is more approach, you are beginning to redefine your character from one that had previously (probably) wallowed in self-misery, and now — instead — shows every sign of reacting.

What Happens Next?

It bears remembering that writing a no contact letter mean exactly that, that you are prepared for no contact. This is not a gimmick, it is not “a get them back” strategy (although I personally feel that it will improve your chances, if there are chances to begin with).

This is about restoring dignity, and potentially also respecting their decision to break free. It is about accepting things as they stand, and regaining a significant amount of control over our lives.

The corollary of all this, as mentioned previously, is that demonstrating emotional strength also happens to work wonders in reconciliation scenarios.

  • By taking the path of least resistance you are demonstrating worth, not surrendering.
  • You are restoring trust and respect by offering a non-manipulative communication scenario.
  • You are forcing them to stop taking your affection and attention for granted.
  • You are no longer drip-feeding them aspects of your own self-esteem to bolster theirs.
  • And on…

The virtues of crafting a minimal no contact letter are plentiful (if initially acutely painful), but every breakup has an inescapable ladder of stages to naturally plow through before moving on is feasible.

It just so happens that no contact is a great way to transition from a state of confusion and sadness to one of acceptance. Personally, I would not attempt this on a whim, it should mark the beginning of a new emotional life based around clarity, and not the continuance of an ego-driven mind game!

2 Comments

  1. Dany