Real Signs Your Ex Wants You Back

The main problem I find with many articles written on the same topic strewn around the Internet is that they tend to deal with absolutes. For instance, some articles will claim that the resurgence of contact is a solid indication they want to keep their foot in the door, others claim the opposite and urge dumpees to be wary of being friend-zoned.

As far as I’m concerned, actions need to be weighed against your breakup and relationship history and not simply based on some grand universal constant of grief. Don’t forget that you have a far better understanding of the person in question than any self-proclaimed relationship expert! Having said that, and not without a sense of awkward irony, I wanted to give the subject a personal shot because I do feel that according to my own experiences there have been several patterns that lead to a chance at reconciliation. Without further a-do, and armed with a few grains of salt, I present you my very own compilation of signs your ex wants you back.

E-Mails Just Don’t Quite Cut It Anymore

While contact of any kind when initiated by the dumper is usually good news (but not necessarily regarding reconciliation), my opinion is that the sheer volume of contact is less important than it’s quality.

If your ex truly misses you there will come a point where they will wish to escalate the contact to a more personal level. This means that if you’re currently shooting e-mails back and forth, they may ask you to switch to an online chat, or if you’re texting, they’ll ask if they can call.

If you are interested in the possibility of reconciliation and the offer to escalate to a more personal platform emerges, make sure you keep contact sparse, light-hearted and tight, at least for the time being.

Because They Tell You So

Perhaps the most overlooked sign that an ex misses you is the fact that they tell you so directly. It is natural to second-guess and over-analyze a simple “I miss you” and due to the fact that trust may have bottomed-out, you are absolutely right in being skeptical. However, the post-breakup wasteland is often a game of cat (dumpee) and mouse (dumper),  where the mouse will look to pull away, and establish distance and emotional clarity rather than muddle the waters. This is particularly true if they truly did love you at some point (and you’d know if they did).

The fact that they are now seeking to pull you closer together is a sign that they miss you. But be advised that reconciling may not be on the agenda. They may wish to alleviate guilt, re-integrate your friendship in their life, or simply wish to remind you that you were special to them. None of these are bad things for the dumpee to hear, despite the often advertised horrors of being in the “friend-zone” (and I’m sick of hearing it), there is really nothing wrong with it, at all. Friendship leads to trust, if you can’t learn to trust each other again reconciliation will never happen.

Always take contact at face value, and be transparent in your reactions. If they say they miss talking to you, it’s a cue for you to open up. If you’re going to do it, do it with a smile and a sense of humor and show them how strong, independent and considerate a catch you are.

You’re History Pal

ex wants backExs who have little to no interest in reconciling will turn their back on the past and take decisive steps towards a new future of their choosing. This does not mean that they don’t want to talk to you (they might still like you and wish to remain platonic friends), but this change will be reflected conspicuously in their language and actions.

An ex who is still wondering whether or not they made the right decision will be very conscious of the way they appear to you, however. While they may attempt to impress you by having changed positively (getting in shape, working on character traits that annoyed you), they will not want to run the risk of appearing alien to you. They will want to make sure that as far as you’re concerned, they are an improved version of the person that you fell in love with. This is mostly an unconscious process.

What is the best way to accomplish both at once? Why, bringing up your good history of course! Not only are they bringing you closer by conspiring with you, not only are they making the conversation more intimate, but they are also getting the chance to see how you react! If your ex is laughing about the good times, and invites you to share you thoughts, they simply don’t want to, and more importantly, don’t want you to forget what you had.

Be wary of exs who bring up the negative aspects of your history together. They may be seeking to gain closure at your expense (an often futile practice, I find due  to the fact that it will only lead to them resenting their own actions). If the tone is not accusatory, it may be a good sign that your ex wants to mend some fences, but not necessarily that reconciliation is on the menu.

Images courtesy of digitalart  / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Comments

  1. Anna says

    Your article was excellent and thorough. If I may ask you something:
    My ex and I texted last week for about an hour(he hadn’t contacted me since last summer; he broke it off). Like you said, not very personal, but more of a catch-up conversation. My brother thinks I should start another text conversation as my ex hasn’t communicated again. I am a bit hesitant and skeptical for all the reasons you mention. Can you give me some insight or suggest how to think this through? I’d really appreciate any sort of comments because your article really hit the nail on my situation. Thanks in advance. Anna

  2. says

    Hello Anna, and thank you for dropping by! It sounds like your ex contacted you out of the blue, which at the very least indicates that for whatever reason he was thinking of you. Couple this with the fact he was motivated enough to reach out, despite risking potential backlash, and you have the foundation — at the very least — for someone who continues to care. Now, whether this means he intends to reconcile or not may not be the case. But it is a required prerequisite for reconcilation if it does occur down the line.

    My advice to you would be to take everything at face-value. More often than not, I feel we tend to hurt ourselves with our own expectations, as much as the breakup does in of itself.

    He has shown the willingness to reach out, if the conversation was pleasant, then a repeat, initiated by you will convey preceisely that to him as well. You only live once Anna, I get the feeling you’d end-up debating this indefinately if you didn’t!

    Keep it light-hearted, and keep your balance, and see where it goes!

  3. says

    P.S: In a nutshell, what I mean to say is this: Don’t focus too much on where it’s going, rather, focus on how it feels in the present. If talking to him felt good — go with it.

  4. Anna says

    You are amazing! Thank you so much for your insight and your courteous and timely reply. I will definitely think about it—still on the fence though… Again, THANK YOU.

  5. Crystal says

    I read your article. I get most of it. But relating it to my relationship, I don’t think I can connect anything together. My ex broke up with me last week. What happened was that on Tues. We poured our feelings out. (like typical couples does). I said to him “I love you so much. I am really happy we’re together. I can’t wait to spend future days with you” and He says “I love you, I can’t wait to spend forever with you. I know we’re gonna be very happy together once we get a place of our own”. And the next exact day, he broke up with me. saying “oh you’re a waste of time, I am done with you, its over”
    and I just don’t know if he’ll ever come back. He always break up with me about nonsense stuff. I texted him couple days later, no response. I skipped a day, text him the next day, nothing. I would txt him saying I miss him, Im sorry for w.e i did wrong. I try calling still nothing. And today suppose to be our 19th months together. And still nothing. =/.

  6. sarah says

    Hi I just read your article and I wonder if you could please help me with some advice. Broke up with my ex a week ago. Two days ago I went over to his place and he was playful and we were joking around. He still has all my pics on his pc which I find weird. I thought maybe things might be fine and I tried to pull into him. He freaked and then I did and there was an argument. I left. Thing is we stay together and he hasn’t contacted me since. What should I do? What does it mean? Got told to stay away for a week and see what happens

  7. says

    I agree with distancing yourself Sarah, not only so that he can crystallize his views regarding what he feels for you (he clearly still keeps you in mind, but I wouldn’t over analyze his intentions), but so that you can begin to shake the insecurity and dependency that love often gives us. If he responded negatively to your advances, you may have been coming on too quickly. You lose nothing by prioritizing your life once again. Familiarity breeds contempt, distancing yourself slightly from him, and your expectations is a win-win scenario in the long run.

  8. says

    Hey Crystal, there are no real guidelines, and almost ever relationship is unique (despite my categorical articles!). I do have a question, though. While I understand that you love him (love is sadly often independent from actually liking them), are his actions something you’d be willing to put up with in the long run? In other words, would it be worth sacrificing your time, energy and life on someone who continues to play hot and cold? Perhaps breaking up with him is a blessing in disguise. You deserve someone who cares about you enough to have some emotional transparency and self-control, at the very least!

  9. Takeya says

    I found the article confusing. I was dating a guy for almost a year and out the blue he broke up with me, stating that he is overwhelmed and felt we were moving to fast. He doesn’t want to be in a serious relationship anymore and he needs space. Lately he has stated he loves me and misses me and thinks about me constantly but he is just at a crossroad right now. Since he told me, I have fell back, let him contact me and he still text me good morning and jokes with me and we converse on the phone once or twice. I am hurt and confused but refuse to sit around and wait on his next move. We are in our early 30’s, he has never been married and has no kids and I have been married for 10 years and have a son. I really love him, but have no problem with moving on…

  10. says

    Takeya, thanks for your feedback. I apologize for the confusing article! Nevertheless, your relationship woes do sound strikingly familiar. I usually end up calling it quits with the light-hearted contact for my own sake, and strike my colors (I’m aware there are people who have no problem erecting a friendship — I am certainly not one of those).

    If moving forward is a make or break deal, I would suggest a period of limited or no contact to see how you both feel having had a chance to see what life entails without each other.

    By joking around it only really sounds like you’re giving him a comforting safe-zone, which also giving him the freedom to seek “greener” pastures.

  11. George says

    My ex who really loved me when we were togehter said she has no feelings ,i nevere treated her good and she is not happy and broke up 3 3 months back ,but she always kept in contact ,but does not talk about our past .I rally love her and I agrre that I’ve made mistakes in the past ,but how do i know whether she will be ready to reconcile .she calls me unexpcectedly.

  12. Takeya says

    Thank you for your quick response! He realized that he was losing a good thing and quickly got his act together, when he realized that I was willing to give him space with no contact, text or anything of that nature. Enjoying myself and hanging out with friends and concentrating on me was a surprise to him. I am still cautious and actually understand where is was coming from and taking it slow. I realized I may have been rushing because of fear of my age and wanting more kids, but now I know, that should definitely not be the driving force behind settling so quick. We both learned and moving forward happier and more confident of what the future may hold.

  13. says

    A very informative article. Io broke that rule by agrresively pursuring her. What happened to me was that she went away fro good. Its been many years since we broke up but the wounds are still fresh. I now know why it worked that way. Thanks for sharing.
    Ian.

  14. Allie says

    Ok, so, I read your article, and Im still unsure if my ex wants me back. Yesterday I went to a softball game, and he was there. And me and my friend caught him staring at me a couple times, and whenever me and my friend passed him, he would always talk louder and stuff. I heard him say “I’m so happy I’m single” then I would look, and he would hurry up and look away. It has been 4 months since we broke up, and I have been fine about it, but now, I can’t stop thinking of him and whenever I see him, my heart just drops. My point is, how do I know he still likes/cares for me?

  15. Elle says

    When My ex and i broke up, he cut all connections with me but i can still communicate with him thru email but nothing too sweet, we fight a lot even thru emails but I’m wondering if he still likes me coz he mentioned that he gets jealous every once in a while when he sees me with other guys, and he hasn’t deleted our pictures on facebook. But he’s cold and rude to me and he’s the one who dumped me! What do u think? I think he’s still confused!

  16. Genesis says

    Hey this is a good article but I don’t know how I can relate you see I dated this guy for 4 months, and then I broke his heart,he still had feelings for me even after I broke up with him,it lasted for about a year, and then he eventually moved on and has been dating this girl for about 2 years, i never gave him an explanation of what I did nor apologized but I miss him and want him back,I was planing on giving him a letter saying sorry and why I did what I did obviously not begging him to leave his girlfriend,but do you think their is a possibility he’ll leave her and come back to me, is their anything I can do to win him back.I just don’t want him to be the one that got away.once he started dating her we didn’t speak until like a week ago but we where in a group so I didn’t really speak directly.could me writing him a letter be away of opening our relationship again and mend the heart that was once broken or will it only cause damage, something that I wrote on the note said “I never wanted to hurt you I did what I did because i was lonely and insecure,I’m sorry I regret everything I did”and their is more,is that ok.?I ow it to myself and him to try because what if he was the one and I was blind,please tell me what I need to do.thanks:)

  17. Genesis says

    Also people would tell me he only dated her to hurt me the way I hurt him but it’s been 2 years maybe at first, I feel maybe he was waiting for me to go after him, so he stayed he probably built some sort of feelings, correct me if maybe I’m wrong but I wanted to know if the note was a good idea to win him back and if it is the first step.I also see him look at me still sometimes.

  18. says

    Hi Genesis, your situation is more common than you know. I think your best bet is to tell him directly how you feel. The problem is, while he may have feelings for you (you mention as much), he has now transitioned into a long-term relationship — which needs to be respected.

    For your own sake get it out in the open, but make it honest and positive. If you feel guilty about how it ended and are looking for closure, apologize and leave it at that. i would not go further than that simply because you risk muddling his own current relationship and risk breaking his heart a second time.

    Be terse, frank and upbeat. Let him know he meant something, but don’t push!

  19. honeydew32 says

    A month after the mutual breakup (and her getting a new gf 12 days after the breakup!) My ex and I had dinner (her idea) and we talked, like if nothing ever changed. Then all hell broke loose and I started crying to her about how I still love her. Awhile after, she stops replying to my messages, so I went to her in person to ask her to hang out. She said yes without any second thoughts but later tells me we cannot hang out or talk anymore because its not right, she has a girlfriend, and things are complicated right now. She’s told me she misses me, but nothing else, anything else I ask of her, she says “its complicated”. She went up to my friend soon after, saying she’s really confused and has never seen this side of me before. A week after that, she tells my friend she noticed I haven’t texted her in awhile and doesn’t know what to do. It’s been 3 weeks since my ex cut me off…but I’m leaving for school again in a month, I want to fix things!

    Note: her gf has been together for about 3 months now, and she’s training for the navy far away and my ex just came back from a visit to her…my ex replaced me with another long distance relationship? Okay…btw, my ex and I were together for 1.5years

  20. Tricia says

    This article has made some good points. I’ve seen some of the signs from my ex who I’ve been with for about 1 year. My break-up is very recent so it’s hard to say how it will end up. A week ago, my boyfriend came over to my place and asked me how do I feel about being friends right now. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I know we have both been busy and it’s hard for us to spend time with each other because he travels a lot and I am in grad school. I thought we were trying to work it out but I guess he just wasn’t feeling the way things were. During the break up conversation, 3 things stood out that he said to me…1)how do you feel about being friends right now, 2)I still love you, 3) I don’t want to lose you.

    We have communicated via email, phone and text since then and in a friendly manner as if nothing happened. I don’t want to lose him either but I’m trying not to get my hopes up. Right now I’m just giving him space and letting him contact me if he wants to talk. I’m leaving this in God’s hands.

  21. James Nelmondo says

    Hello Tricia, sounds you are doing the right thing to me — and I commend you. It takes a lot of strength to focus on your own life and give them the space necessary so they can really figure out what losing you means.

    Regarding friendship, make sure that if friendship is only an excuse to leave the door to reconciliation open for you, and it isn’t for him, to shut that particular door without guilt. It has always ended up burning me down the road.

  22. James Nelmondo says

    Ah, the complicated line. It really isn’t honeydew. You want to be with them, and they are resisting it (for whatever reason). Reconciliation is black and white. It is a mutual yes. Don’t settle for anything less.

    Her attempts at contacting seem to stem from her own insecurity. She can’t have the best of both worlds at your expense!

  23. Indigo says

    Really interesting article. I’ve been broken up with my ex of 4 years for about 6 moonths now (I initiated the dumping because he was moving cross country), but contact has been frequent. Also, we’ve seen each other in person quite a few times, as well. A few weeks ago, he told me that he was thinking of asking me to move back in with him. I asked him if he’d be able to wait a month since my lease is up the end of the month. He said of course, and we started discussing travel arrangements, and specific dates.

    So, this past weekend, I decided to go ahead and book a plane ticket. I told him about it yesterday, and he hesitated. I asked him why he paused, and said that he was upset that I booked the ticket without telling him straight away, and that relationships are about making decisions together. Also, he thought we were still “talking about it”, and that it wasn’t 100% definitive yet. I told him that I thought there was a good chance of getting back together happening, and he said there is a good chance. But, also said that if he changes his mind over the next few weeks, he can always ask me to get a refund. Overall, he basically thought I was thinking about myself first and foremost. I was a bit upset about this interaction, but a few minutes later he changed the subject to the weather and said “At least it won’t be tthis hot when you’re here.” To me, that sounds as if reconcilitation will happen. What are your thoughts about this?

    Thanks so much!

  24. James Nelmondo says

    Hi Indigo, thanks for your feedback! With regards to reconciliation, I would say that it’s a little early to tell due to the fact that he seems to have some emotional baggage at the moment (which is to be expected). There seems to be an undercurrent of insecurity on his end (his indirectness coupled with a sprinkling of hot and cold).

    Perhaps his advances were more about restoring his own broken self-esteem than genuinely reconciling at this time. Nevertheless, the foundations are there. I don’t really see why it can’t be considered a real possibility.

  25. Indigo says

    Thanks for your comment! I really appreciate your response. He definitely does still have emotional baggage, but I just wish he would finally give it a shot, and seal the deal once and for all. Perhaps it was more a matter of restoring his self-esteem, but he told me that it was something he thinks he wants. I’m not sure what I should think, or do regarding the entire matter. My flight is booked already, and it’s about three weeks away.

    Once again, thanks for your response.

  26. Indigo says

    Hi there again!

    Thanks for your responses. I wanted to keep you abreast of what’s occurred over the past month. He ended up deciding that he wasn’t ready to be with me yet.. A few months ago he though he was ready for a relationship, but he said he realized that he wasn’t ready to jump back into it right now. I asked him what he wanted, and he said time. Then mentioned that he supported the relationship for four years, and it takes a while to come back from that. Also, he said that he wants to start with a completely clean slate, without harboring any doubts, etc. and didn’t want to reconcile now, because he thinks it wouldn’t last beyond a few weeks at this point in time due to his surplus of emotons. And, he didn’t want to start off a relationship by dooming it to last only a certain period of time.

    He’s said a marage of things, such as “It’d be so easy to get back together now, it’s harder for me not to.” Along with “Don’t you think I’m scared that I’m pushing this too far, and you’ll break when I’m ready?”

    I hate to admit it, but I became a bit upset when all of this occured. I said that I might have to walk away, he gave a big speech about it, then later that night he broke down crying said he was afraid to lose me. I comforted him, and told him that I cared about him so much.

    What do you think, The Unknown? Will time be the biggest ally in the reconciliation process?

    Thanks so much!

  27. James NelmondoThe Unknown says

    Sounds like an eerily familiar scenario Indigo.

    It sounds like he’s having trouble moving on. I tend to distrust words in these kinds of scenarios due to the emotions involved and weigh my options with actions. Sadly, despite the fact that he does quite obviously care, the direction he has taken isn’t that of involving you in his life in any capacity other than to have you around to assuage his guilt and insecurity.

    But what about yours? You have been asked to shoulder the burden of insecurity by waiting for him, knowing fully well that time may lead any which way. It is unfair of him to ask you to compromise but remain unwilling to do so himself.

    There is never a guarantee that he will ever be ready. Think of it this way; if is unwilling to take babysteps towards reconciliation today, how could he possibly envision it happening tomorrow? With regards to emotion, only the present exists. Tomorrow is a guess, in this case.

    The way I see it you have two options:

    a) You get on with your life, letting him know that the window for communication is open, but that you won’t wait around forever (time works both ways — you may not want to down the line).

    b) You ask him to compromise with you and set a time-frame for his “time out”. Give the relationship a pause, but with the condition that you both remain exclusive (so as to lift the insecurity). After the pause is up, you have one final resolutory chat, and go from there. Either it ends, or it begins. To remain in the middle is to suffer needlessly (in my opinion).

  28. Marchelle Delgardo says

    I really like your writing style, excellent info, thank you for putting up :D. “You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses.” by Ziggy.

  29. Zack says

    Hey,

    I enjoyed your post, my ex(dumper female) and I have been broken up for about 7 months. The first three months we still had conv over text with one phone call. All lead to emotions. I suggested taking a month of no contact for use to gather thoughts.

    Afte that month she told me she loved me but didnt see us in eachothers lives. 1 and a half more months went by and we only had a few small emails. Now 7 months later and texting has started up again slowly. It’s been over a week straight and she initiates most contact. No phone yet, but all day all comfortable Bc we click so well. She brought up today if we were friends or I was just her ex girlfriend. I said of course we are friends why wouldn’t we be. Mentioned how well we click and I enjoy making her happy and she agreed and said she thinks it’s rare how well we click. Conv then changed to normal conv again, I am scared of getting in the friend zone, when I’ want her back. But don’t want to pressure, or push her away. What do you think? Side note( we were together 3 yrs, I took her virginity, and I’m pretty sure she hasn’t seen anyone else)

  30. James Nelmondo says

    Hi Zack, thanks for passing by!

    That is a difficult situation to be in. However, the longer this “friendzone” stand-off continues, the greater the risks are for both of you.

    While it does sound that she still has feelings for you, and might even echo your desire for reconciliation, there’s really no way of knowing. My only suggestion, and it isn’t a popular one, is that of clearing the waters and dealing with absolutes.

    If your feelings extend beyond the platonic it is unfair for you masquerade behind friendship. It is also a stressful and draining situation for you to be in over the long-term. I would advise taking small steps towards disclosing how you feel, and doing so as honestly as possible.

    Bear in mind she may have seen other people, so make sure it is something you are willing to digest before moving forward, or resentment and guilt may compromise what’s left!

  31. Anonymous says

    My ex fiancé broke up with me about a month and some change ago. He and I kept up our routine of hanging out and what not up until a week ago. Now we have gone days without seeing each other, which was not usual for us and the texts are getting less and less frequent. When he does text it is straight to the point. Recently over the weekend he tried to get together with me but it didn’t pan out with my schedule. He text me two nights prior “I miss you”. He still seems somewhat angry at me when I make comments about our past, he gets very accusatory.
    So I leave him alone and let him contact me. He hit me up this morning about coming in for training (he is my trainer), my question is should I go NC or LC and just go in, do my hour and jam?
    I don’t get if he broke up with me, why reach out to train me?

  32. James Nelmondo says

    Sounds like LC could be an option. You definitely need to get to a place where his accusations no longer affect you. LC will allow you to detach yourself from expectations and guilt, but will keep the door open long enough for him to let you know how his feelings end up panning out.

    I wouldn’t do what you think is “right”, but at this point I would do what you think you “need”. If contact ends up being accusatory, avoid it. I can’t begin to guess why he’s seeking contact despite breaking up with you, but time and space should help clarify what his intentions are.

  33. says

    My ex broke up with me two weeks go to be with another women. We had been in a relationship for a year and a half. I did not pledge, beg or cry and I went on No Contact immediately. However, I noticed on Saturday that he made a deposit into my bank account on a matter that I assumed he was not going to pay for, since the relationship had dissolved. He never called and said he made the deposit. However, I reach out via text and thanked him for the deposit and additionally I told him that he made the best decision for both of us and to take care. I read you need to agree with the breakup. Within the hour he sent the longest text saying his misses me and he truly loves me and I’m a blessing. If I need anything he is here for me and there isn’t anything he wouldn’t do for me. I never responded to the text. Do you think I owe him any type of reply or just continue on with the NC. What is a bad idea to thank him for the deposit. I’m just confused.

  34. James Nelmondo says

    Do you think I owe him any type of reply or just continue on with the NC.

    If he broke up with you, you owe him nothing. However, the problem is this…

    If you genuinely care about each other, as it seems obvious that you do, NC will not remove guilt or caring from the equation. Not replying to a (again, apparently) heartfelt message will end up hindering your healing, due to the gradual onset of guilt and “what-ifs” about never having answered.

    NC is great at becoming objective about your life, priorities and to detox from co-dependence. But that’s about it.

    If you intend to reconcile eventually NC HAS to end. If you feel it is too soon, or don’t trust your own emotional objectivity, I would take some time before answering. Or at the very least waiting for a moment when you think you can “handle” any kind of let-down.

    Also, there is the question of his intention. If the breakup was recent there is a chance that while he might mean every word of what he has said, that his feelings are borne of trauma — and not reason. And that because of this, are prone to change. That once the trauma has passed, he may not feel as forcefully as he does now. Time once again is the key ingredient.

    Thanking him for the deposit was not a bad idea. It is simply a case of doing the right thing. You are under no obligation to directly answer his message, it was freely given and you have already wished him well. If, however, you do intend to reconcile, I would answer sooner or later, but wait for a moment or time when you think you can handle not only your emotional jumps, but his as well.

    Time will work in favor of you both.

  35. Anonymous says

    My ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago. His excuses are about my past that he didnt like cos he was never was in it (go figure) and he didnt like my job cos it creates opportunities for men to take me away from. I tried to salvage the relationship. he says he loves me and cares for me but wanna be more than friends right after( go figure) and i said no, in order to be friends there shld be a cut off. he went nuts about it. i gave it a try cos im weak like that…. i knew i was gonna have a hard time to kick him to the curb so i made him cut me off by telling a lie to him which is a trait he disliked most. now, is it wrong to want to be able to move on and be in terms with the acceptance of rejection by doing so. I know the lying was a bad deed, but i needed the time and space so maybe in the future we might be friends. then after that he went on a deleting and blocking and saying mean things to me spree. and he called the next day to apologised for saying he hoped i’d die alone(er, i thought everyone dies alone)…. and the rest of the things he said he meant them all. so why call me in first place? after that ordeal, i didnt want to feel the pain and hurt he is causing, i simply didnt allow myself to text him or anything. 4days later, he unblocks me on whatsapp, he changed his photo of us to “treat people like how you want to be. karma’s a bitch if you are” . mind games? i didnt react to it simply he just wants a reaction. is this a working of a man who knows he lost you for good cos of his actions of indecisiveness? i cant figure this out about him. what does he want?

  36. James Nelmondo says

    Heya!

    You have every right to assert your right to space and time. If you are forced to accept a breakup, he should be “kind” enough to respect your decisions. Once the threads of the relationship are cut, your life is wholly in your hands. And you should put yourself first without feeling guilty.

    is this a working of a man who knows he lost you for good cos of his actions of indecisiveness?

    Yes, definitely mind games. It sounds to me as if he wants to keep his options open. While he may not want to reconcile, he doesn’t want to see you move on and forget about him (this is very common, although it is confusing). I have written about this kind of behavior, maybe it will shed some light on the situation (or maybe not :) )

  37. azar says

    Hi . Thank you for your article. I broke up with my boyfriend after a year. We had great relationship together and he was very kind with me and loved me . and I love him too . but around 6 month ago I’ve started to talk about marriage to him. He said he its too soon and he wants to know me better. And I said Ok. And 2 month ago he said that he loves me but he can’t accept my divorce. I’ve one got married for 1 year . But he doesn’t mari yet . He wanted more time to think about it but last week when everything seems great location asked about it and he said he wants more time but I didn’t accept and became angri and broke up with him . And now I realy miss him . He sent me a message 2 day so ago but I prefer no contact with him .could you please give me an advice. I want he miss me and think a bout me seriously. What should I do?

  38. James Nelmondo says

    Hi Azar!

    I want he miss me and think a bout me seriously.

    I’m going to be honest, so please don’t take offense! I disagree with breaking up with him with the hope of bringing you closer together. Marriage should be something that he freely and genuinely wants. It seems to me that by breaking up with him in this way, you are trying to compel him to accept marriage by traumatizing him.

    While I understand how you feel, and know that lack of commitment can be frustrating, realistically speaking one year is not a very long time. It is understandable that he may wish to give it more time (again, this is just my opinion). Obviously, you have the right to breakup with him if his lack of commitment is making you feel unhappy or insecure.

    For both of your sakes I would continue to go no contact if you are unable to accept his desire to not marry. If, however, you miss him enough to want to reconcile, it must be based on compromise — or it will only end in tears down the line.

    I’m sorry to be this forward, but it’s just what I think!

    All the best.

  39. Anonymous says

    Hi,

    Thanks for the reply. Great advice and keep up on making things positive for people like me. Have an awesome day!

  40. James Nelmondo says

    No worries!

    Don’t get me wrong though, my goal isn’t positivity. I don’t believe in giving people what they want, I try to give them what I feel they need. And as always, I could, and frequently am, wrong :)

  41. carol says

    I was married for thirty three years. My ex had an affair and we divorced. We never completely stopped contact with one another over the Past three years. He is still seeing the girlfriend two or three days a week. I know they are sleeping together. He never contacts me when she is in the picture. It is so obvious when he’s with her. The minute she leaves he texts me. Now he asks me to do things with him and only wants me,(not her,) to be with him when he interacts with our family and friends. He has not introduced her to any of our family or friends either. He never tries to be intimate with me. I mentioned wanting to get a bike to go riding and soon he wanted a bike. I have asked him what he wants from me and he says he wants me in his life everyday and wants us to be together (when he heals) as he thinks we are meant to be. I am trying to be cool. I go out regularly and also date. I cannot move on because my heart still belongs to him.
    Do you think he is interested in getting back together?
    Stuck in time

  42. James Nelmondo says

    Hi Carol,

    You certainly don’t need me to reiterate certain objective truths, however it seems that the reason you broke up with continues to live on. Namely, his affinity in seeking romantic greener pastures.

    Clearly, he shows some interest. And clearly you have a wealth of history that cements you together (despite separation). But it seems to me that unless he is able to take concrete steps towards compromising his apparent romantic confusion, you risk further dejection should be ever begin to take you for granted down the road.

    I have asked him what he wants from me and he says he wants me in his life everyday and wants us to be together (when he heals)

    While I don’t doubt that he means it, none of us can assure another person of what we will want to do tomorrow, if we are willing to do it today.

    To me, and perhaps I’m being overly blunt, it spells out a situation not all that dissimilar from yours. That he is having a great deal of trouble moving on, and is scared of losing you. Nevertheless, his own actions bespeak a fundamental unwillingness to act or compromise. In short, it seems to me (and this really is a long-shot) that his needs are defined by insecurity and fear rather than a genuine, catalyzing desire to act.

  43. Curious says

    Me (30 yo) and my ex (25 yo) broke up about two weeks back. We were dating for seven years and had a stable and healthy relationship. He basically broke up out of the blue citing religious problems, but he still insists on living in the same house with me (we just renewed our lease before the breakup). We now live on seperate floors. I try to avoid him as much as possible, because I am still dealing with hurt and betrayal. However, my ex seems to act very normal and tries to initiate small talk. He even does things, which shows he cares (like bringing dvds which we had decided to watch, doing groceries etc) . Could you please help me interpret his normal behaviour? Thank you.

  44. James Nelmondo says

    Hi Curious,

    As ironic as it sounds, the downfall of most stable and healthy relationships can be their routine — which can affect romance as a whole, although it usually leaves attachment and caring intact.

    My gut instinct tells me it may simply be a case of the daily grind, added to a pinch of taking you for granted, that may have impacted romantic desire.

    Fortunately the foundations of the romantic relationship remain strong (friendship, conspiracy, trust and history) and thus it may very well be salveagable. I would personally advise mixing it up a little bit in order to redefine the routine if possible.

    Of course, if it is genuinely a relgious-centric issue then none of what I have said is necessarily true. But frankly, I doubt that it is (then again, I’m not an overly religious person so I really wouldn’t know).

    All the best!

  45. Curious says

    Thanks James for taking time to reply. Much appreciated. I will keep you posted! God bless!!

  46. Regan says

    Thanks for the post! My boyfriend and I broke up a few months ago, and ever since then we had ignored one another. Right after we officially split, he immediatley began to flirt with other girls — a lot — and even asked one or two out on dates. I’ve gotten this information from friends of mine. But last week, we went on a class trip together and began to talk again. After a few minutes, we had gone into in-depth conversations over topics we hadn’t brought up since we were together. Our chemistry had returned again, and we were stuck to one another’s side for the rest of the day. On the trip home, we sat together and played games on my smart phone. I was sitting against the window and he was leaning against me — it was sort of like cuddling. It definitely gave off the impression that we were intimate. My friends, who were sitting across from us, even got the impression that we were back together. Even in the brief moment that we had reconnected, everything fell back into place, and it was like we had never broken up. It did seem that he liked me, but I don’t know — maybe it was just him being flirty. But the next day, we had went straight back to ignoring each other. And it continued up until now. We’ve barely spoken. And it hasn’t been anything meaningful. If he really wanted to talk to me, he would, so I don’t understand. I thought that maybe we could of had another chance.
    There’s one more thing. His grandmother is a teacher at our school (we’re both still high schoolers), and lately she’s been trying to, embarrassingly, “set us back up.” Just yesterday she asked me to deliver a message to him, even though he already knew about it — she had only wanted me to have an excuse to talk to him. She does what she can to draw us back together, and I don’t understand why. Is it just her doing — does she want to see us back together? Or is it him? He or his father might have told her that he still had feelings towards me, and now she’s trying to act upon it. Also, his father — who is a substitute at the school — is friends with my mom, and he has apologized to her about my ex’s actions in the past. HE apologized! He’s brought our relationship up several times to her. He doesn’t anymore, though. It was awhile ago. He’s done the same with me — he once told me that my ex would’ve helped me carry my stuff, if I’d asked him.
    The whole situation is confusing. What is your advice? What do you think I should do — and do you think that he still likes me? Thanks again.

  47. James Nelmondo says

    Hey Regan!

    Flirting with other girls (so close to the breakup) is usually a pretty good sign he isn’t quite as over it as he he would like. Couple this with the “cuddling” episode and it seems to me like he is trying to cope with loss of affection.

    However, if we look at it objectively, it isn’t necessarily an emotional clue worth holding onto because it stems from insecurity, and is a natural by-product of breaking up, regardless of how determined he is to see it through.

    While it may be a sign he is missing your presence, it may also simply be a sign he going through the withdrawal of affection (which can trick people into thinking they miss their ex, when all they really miss is being loved). In short, it’d be careful investing too much into hope here, it might not be about you, specifically.

    I don’t mean for this to sound gloomy, after-all there are good signs. He obviously still cares, and values your history (your gut feeling about chemistry will be right on the money 99% of the time also). I would suggest this article while you’re at it, as it goes into more detail on what I feel hot and cold behavior betrays about his intentions.

    Best of luck, and thanks for swinging by!

  48. Regan says

    Thanks so much! I really needed to hear that. I also read your article and agree with all of it. I just have one more thing. At the end of that day, once we’d returned to school, he pulled out a drawing of his and showed it to me. He knows better than anyone that art is my passion. We’d always talk about it and exchange/work on creations together. And this wasn’t anything intimate — just him showing me his art like we used to. He also asked me about mine. What I’m wondering is why he was doing this. Was it just him trying to win back affection, and the reason he was getting so personal was because he knew it would get a reaction out of me conducive to the feelings from our past relationship? But if this is the case, wouldn’t it mean that he once again wanted what we used to have?

  49. James Nelmondo says

    I think that — above and beyond affection — his action conveys the fact that he still values your attention. Love, as they say, is at it’s simplest, sharing.

    It might be a low-risk way of attempting to subtly mend fences and bait an upping of the ante out of you, but I wouldn’t sweat it, if that is the case it will happen naturally.

    That he continues to have feelings is evident. But once we’re passed that hurdle, the question is whether they are romantically driven, or driven out of a sense of enduring conspiracy, comfort and friendship. And he hasn’t shown those cards yet.

    Nevertheless, these are all good things when it comes to reconciliation. You can weather bouts of low romanticism, but you can’t spark reconciliation without a fundamental respect and caring for each other (in the form of simply enjoying each others’ presence), and it seems you have that one down at the very least :)

  50. James Nelmondo says

    Ouch, sorry to hear it Regan.

    The root cause of his attention might have been insecurity rather than an attempt to mend fences. It is normal for him to fluctuate with his attention after a breakup though, because that’s a pretty accurate portrayal of what his emotions are also doing.

  51. Regan says

    Hey again Zach. Can I e-mail you? I’m sick of commenting. It seems bothersome.

  52. James Nelmondo says

  53. Steve says

    My girlfriend broke up with me about a month ago. We had been dating a month and a half. I worked in the field of politics before I went back to grad school, met her, and started dating her. We met online and I her last bf had dumped her after 9 months. Things were great in the beginning and I was doing ok financially. But then I fell on hard financial times, my car broke down, and a friend of mine died. On top of that-I got the flu, she had a back issue and it prevented us from seeing each other because she lives 30 mins away. When my friend died I took it hard but I was afraid of talking about it for fear of appearing weak. I also was afraid to talk about being broke for fear she would dump me. I am also a victim of sexual abuse as a child so intimacy was terrifying for me between us. I was scared to tell her about it for fear that talking about what my mother did would creep her out. Long story short, when my friend died I became a bit clingy and too passionate about expressing my affection verbally. At the same time I was awkward physically (bc of the abuse). I met her best friend for the first time and it was a trainwreck. A few days later she dumps me citing that she “didn’t agree with my politics and wanted to be friends”. I had requested we have a talk in person rather than text when she asked-but she denied that and said, “im gonna do this over text anyway”. I wished her happy birthday the other day after a complete silence in my reaction to the break up for about a month. She thanked me with smiley faces like nothing had changed. It seems on fb she’s all happy and moving on-but I miss her. I still give her the silent treatment. How do I win her back? Was she lying about why she wanted to end things? HELP!

  54. Steve says

    *One last thing. Only about 4 days before she dumped me she called me an “awesome boyfriend” , said that she “missed me and couldn’t wait to see me”, and then said that I was “special to her too”. Was she just lying and leading me on? And if she was sincere then why did she dump me just days later while refusing to see me?

  55. Tony says

    Hi my name is tony im 47 years old im a gay man iv been With my parner for over 5 years but 6 weeks ago he told me hi dint love me any more
    We met through friends many years ago he wonted to get to know me for a long time ..when we met we hit of straitght away we had so much in comon music fashion foods ecc i thought it Was a dream come true
    Befor i met him i Was alone for 2 years after a very bad breakup of 16 years but that is a other story and to honest i Was glad that finished ..
    We met as friends for a while but i could see that he Was getting very attached to me as i Was as well 6mths passed and we where realy to make a big move in our relationship i Was allways a this house or he Was at mine so we disied to move in together it dint feel to soon it felt right for the both of us
    I have a very good job im a fashion designer and dress maker and he is a owner of a food store but he loved the side of fashion so we had so much in comon in that eria . After while i SAId i Would like you to modell for me in a fashion show he Was so plesed as i dint wont him to be left out of my work it Was more INTERESTING for us
    He is YOUNGER than i ma by 10 years but every one sayes i look YOUNGER for my age …
    And the age gap Was not a problem for us . Any way 2 3 years past With fantastic things fashion shows tv photo shooting ecc he and i where great friends to and thats important for us
    Setember of last year we brought a lovely house Witch we where very proud of
    So things where great in our personal life but unfortunaly things where getting a bit heavy With the crises here my work drop pes abit and so did his . We where getting a litel worred about finacele problems . I Was working a bit more to bring home more money . As we both spent alto on the house back in setember .
    A few mths past it Was now january of this year and out of the blue his books after 12 years working for him came to him at home he sta down and told that he has disied to sell all the storse he has so you have oppiuns to buy the store where you work or i have to sack you .. I Saw the look on his face in terra in shock ecc
    We talk ed about it but he Was so angry and worred i SAw a change in him i 1sec
    A few mths past and i helpped him to disied to buy the store With the crises here you wont fine another job
    In those few mths even i Was getting very worred for us and i started to let my self go a bit i put on a lot of wight not seelping iws thinking of the things around us and not us
    His boss Was not paying him for mths so the money Was very litel the same for me litel work . We try ed to make ends meet but it Was very diffacult for us . I here him crying many Times i try ed to comfort him but he Was so worred about the business he need time to Just think about that . At the same time i Was petting my self go but allways there for him but forgot about my self .
    And slowly he del out of love With me
    He told me that he dint love me anymore he Was sorry but i need to think right now about the business i need to be alone for a while being here seeing sad and crying ecc is not helping me at all he felt so bad that he has to tell me his feelings had gone for me . We where still living in the saMe house for 3weeks but it Was to sad for him to see me suffering in a bad way . He is not. Bad person ther is no one els involed we never heart each other fiscaly we where so kind to each other for all the the. together some time a litel row but Who doesnt any way So he found a small flat in the town where we lived and moved out
    The day he moved out he looked at me in the eye and SAId i need to be alone for while its not for good but i need to think of my self for a bit and see if something changed as well for us so please let me do this
    As i still love him very much i had to let him do this we both cryed and hugged and he left i SAId to him i dont wont to be here to see you leave so ill Say away to day he Was fine With that and understood .
    When i came home that Eveing my god it Was hard to see that he had gone
    I couldt under stand one thing he took very litel things he took our photo of our sort of wedding day that Was the day when we ex changed rings it Was our fravert photo he even took the Keys
    I sent him a Message Just to ask him where the photo Was he SAId i took it is that ok . Of coures it Was
    From that day till now he calls me every day comes round to see our cat we have been out to dinner ecc i try not to contact him as he is working many hrs since he opened the store .
    I have lots so much wight and im neraly as i Was when i met him he is very please d about that in this time apart iv seen all the things where i wnet roung not Just in my self but about us to .iv talk ed to him and SAId can we make another go at things i sent him avery lovely lettera not Say plese come back im begging you no not at all Just how much i Was sorry for not listerning to him and being closer i feel such a fool every one makes mistake and im one of them .
    He Was very happy to see the changed in me but i have to be doing it for me not for him i SAId im doing it for and for you
    I asked him if we could make another go at thing all the bad things we went through are not here any more
    He has started to go out With some friends now and then Witch is good and so ma i where both not interesserà im meeting someone els no . Its Just got all to much for us and we could fine a way to risolve the situation
    Im scared that he wont come back to me
    We are a great copule and have a great future i think together iv seen things in a differenti way since he left it opened my eyes to all the things we didnt do and we could do but unfortunaly the money suituation stoped us
    What can i do …
    Thankyou tony

  56. Jon says

    Hi there,

    My name is Jon, just over a week ago my gf at the time had broken up with me, I was absolutely devasted I questioned if she still loved me and the question was avoided, and when I asked her if she loved me why can’t we sit and talk about it, I got “just accept it” I did the silly thing of erratic behaviour looking needy and desperate, huge mistake I know, but on the weekend just got a few days after the break we were in the same bar together, and she was constantly trying to get my attention and a reaction from me, for example a tight outfit showing off her figure, and dancing with a guy right infront of me and looking at me. Now my question is why did she do this if she broke up with me…

  57. Please Help! says

    Hello there, my name is Snow and I need some help. Me and my boyfriend were together for almost a year and at the beginning we seemed to have a good relationship. He was caring, sweet, and gave me everything I wanted. We almost never fought and he made me believe I was beautiful and that he loved me and only me and he would never leave me. So then why did he leave me ? Out of nowhere? We were going good it seemed and just a day before we broke up he told me he loved me and a week before that he said ” if we ever break up it would have been you who ended it.” Well, actually, before he broke up with me, our relationship wasn’t so great. He would seem to ignore me although he knew I get anxiety whenever he ignores me to the point where I will cry and seem to get restless and so worried I couldn’t concentrate on anything else, yet he still did it.
    The day he broke up with me I didn’t expect it at all, and as soon as I found out he broke up with me (he did it over Twitter which is pathetic, his excuse is he didn’t want to see me cry) I called him right away and begged him to come back. Saying I will do anything and I will change. He said I was a good girlfriend but my depression, mood swings, and clingyness drove him away. I am diagnosed with major depressive disorder, bipolar disorder and dependent personality disorder which if you do some research on these illnesses, do not mix well..
    After he left me I found out he left me for another girl and I felt terrible because I couldn’t bear the thought of him loving someone else. I tried to end my life which sounds stupid to me now, but at that moment it was the only thing I could think about. I couldn’t sleep and if I did I would cry myself to sleep thinking about all the things we have been through and how he completly threw me away like I was nothing. After I was discharged from the hospital, then a physciatric hospital, I did feel better but still the darkness and the memories wouldn’t go away. He completly forgot about me and it felt so different because he used to be the only person I would talk to on a day to day basis, now I was alone with no one. That was the darkest moment of my life because I just thought to myself, “How dare he leave me here to suffer day after day while he forgot about me and he keeps living his life so happy while I’m here dying inside?”
    Recently, we are back in contact. I am happier now, but still depressed. Since we broke up (which was about 3 months ago) he has had 3 girlfriends and we talk on a day to day basis now , but if he even mentions his girlfriend’s name I get mad at him. I get so mad because he sends me mixed messages. He still calls me beautiful, lovely, pretty, when I wake up I check my phone and he sent me “Good morning beautiful” and even though he is with is girlfriend, he still talks to me sometimes like I’m still his. I agree sometimes I go along with it, but I guess I’m desperate..? Either way, I know if he ever asked me out again I would say no because I’m not going to fall for his lies and let him ruin my life again. But how do I stop talking to him? How do I muster the strength to let him go ? I’m trying to forget he ever existed.

  58. Gigi says

    Hi, love your articles!

    Im wondering about the mixed signals I get from my ex. After about 5 weeks of no contact, we went out. He had al the symptoms:contacted me through the NC. Reminiscing the relationship as happy and showing me our happy photos. Caressing me, telling me he missed me … right along with “I’m doing a lot of growing and changing so I can be a better partner in the future”. He started contacting me the following week but since we have gotten into bitter texts analyzing the relationship problems to exhaustion. He kept tellong me he loves me but he needs this time even if he loses me. He misses me and loves me deeply but he is not ready yet. He doesn’t want to kniw if I’m dating but.. it went on for a whole week. Now he is responding to my emails and texts so delayed (3-24 hrs.) And very detached, except for a couple of declarations of love. I keep my fort by saying I’m fine with the breakup. Your article shows great signs, but how about when the signs come with a “but”? Thanks!

  59. Lauren says

    Hello!
    First and foremost I’d like to say that I read your articles maybe once a week, just to cope with what I am dealing with here. To make a long story short, Ive been knowing my ex for 6 years now, we met in college I was a freshman he was a senior, started dating didn’t work out (a gap in our age difference, I was 18 he was 24), he moved away then moved back and we tried again and BOOM it was magic we were officially together. 2 years ago he moved away again for a job but this time my feelings were completely invested more than before, both of our feelings were. I was crushed, it was like I was losing my best friend, my mentor, and my boyfriend all at once. (he even had to give our dog away). Our communication started to deter tremendously causing me to take the city of Atlanta by storm. (he moved to Boston). I couldn’t deal with the distance, we both couldn’t so our relationship eventually fell short. We began seeing other people, I actually initiated the whole “seeing other people” thing without actually telling him if you catch my drift. So that officially ended our relationship. Now heres the confusing part, until this day we are still in contact, we see each other, I visit him, he visits me, we are intimate. BUT he now has a new girlfriend.. OUCH. He tells me how bad he treats her in regards to messing with other women including me. He also says that she is very aware that I pop in and out of his life from time to time and that she’s the type of girl who just “takes it” and “deals with it” which i don’t understand at all. Could he just be making up scenarios about how he steps out on her with other women just to make me feel better? Or is he really doing it? and why is he telling me??? Ive never experienced the person he is with her at all. I guess what I need to know is am I being strung along? Like for instance today, he was leaving from vegas to head to Boston and had a 4 hour layover in Atlanta he insisted we hung out. (just a side note, he moved from Boston to portland this past year and his portland native girlfriend jut moved to Boston for a job… mind blowing) I hadn’t seen my ex since February so of course I sprung to the airport faster than lightening to see him. We hung out, we were not intimate, but he did something really strange, He once again tells me how he was just in vegas for work and so was his gf but he was seeing other women while she was there. THEN he proceeds to say “but i made it all better, *hands me his phone* and shows me a picture of them two in which he posted on instagram. It took everything in me to say a NICE comment, all I could come up with is “cute” and that was like swallowing a thumb tac. I dropped him off to the airport to head to boston to meet his gf.. how stupid, but I enjoyed every minute of his presence but I dreaded the long painful drive home. Its like a mental and physical pain, one that you can’t fully grasp.. one that if you could get a prescription for the pain you couldn’t completely point out to the physician where the source of pain lies..in a nutshell uncomfortable. I love him, I want to be with him, I made a mistake but I didn’t act alone. I guess what I want to ask is am I being toyed with? Is he keeping me around because he misses our friendship or is it something still there? Its like once the pain slowly disappears he takes a pair of scissors and remove the stitches.. leaving me with an open wound all over again.
    Heres a few examples of the things he does:
    he disregards any conversation regarding reconciliation or reconciliation period ( blames it on his gf)
    he initiates contact (texts and calls and FaceTime)
    We talk for hours.
    We talk about our past frequently the good and bad.. flaws and all
    Plan trips to meet each other
    we are intimate
    he inquires about my love life and my life in general like, who am i being intimate with, who am i talking to
    he tells me all of his escapades with other women.
    hes supportive when it comes to school.
    lends me advice and help with starting up my career.

    I DONT GET IT.

    please help me. Im tired, Im starting to feel used or just simply a victim of mind games.

  60. Swana says

    Okay so where do I begin. My Ex boyfriend and I were together for 4 years. We lived together the entire time. This made us extremely close as well as more argumentative. I am 29 and he is 22 I was his first for everything and believe you me ( I put it down) that way he will never forget this. Back to the story, we have a 2yr old daughter as well. There were many jealousy and securities on both behalves. No one ever officially cheated on the other to my knowledge. We recently were fighting about any and everything speaking our brutal minds to one another even if it hurt the others feelings. Im thinking this was out of fear that the other would leave or who would cheat first. In time this took a tole on us to which brings me to were we are now and thats broken up. Our lease was up and he went to move in with his grandparents and older brother, I moved in with my mom and our daughter. We had a huge fight before we went our separate ways. He continued to contact me and act as if things were the same between us (minus the fight). Like telling me he loves me and wants to be there to please me. We were contacting each other over cellphone and texts. Neither one of us had a car so it was very difficult to meet up. So one day he asked me for sex and I was still hurt from the fight and in a way playing hard to get. Literally the next day he stop texting once I declined his offer.I had this random feeling come over me to check his email which when we were living together he gave me his password and I never forgot. Im not the snooping type yet when I went in it I noticed all of his inbox was cleared, Trash was cleared but he didnt clear his sent. When I open the sent I couldnt believe my eyes. He had created a craigslist add about himself and what he was looking for. he immediately decided to meet up with the girl from what I read. She lived about 45 min away. when I called him he had his phone off the entire weekend of Labor day. (does that mean he caught feelings that soon or was he having a week end of wild random sex?) Finally the weekday had arrived his phone was back on. So I started texting calling leaving messages and would not answer. Finally he figured out how I found out called me and Yelled ” stay tha Bleep out my email ) he then changed the password shortly after. I then realized its happened (my worst fear in the world) and I cut off all contact. He randomly text me about 1 week after saying he misses the baby and loves her. then after that he stopped contact until about 2weeks. Now hes being very apologetic only towards the baby like tell her I love her and I will be there to see her. He never apologized to me infact he acts as if it didnt happen. So recently we met up so he could see her and he asked me for gas money. He had a new look informed me that hes working to get money and a place so he can spend 1 on 1 with the baby he also told me I looked very beautiful. Now he texts I love you and the baby with all my heart. Damn I miss him so bad and want him back as sad as it seems. WHat do I do? HE keeps texting he loves us and stay safe my Swan. im confused. has he moved on does he regret anything what is the best thing for me to do? in a way I forgive and want him back. Please Help. Thankyou for your time and also you give great advice because my hands are sore from typing yet I am very curious to your opinion. Oh also I have been sending him positive texts messages about his career different interest we once shared and he responds back immediately. When I say something about ” this reminds me when we went to a place together he doesnt respond” I also told him to check out some new music I found that was orgasmic and he didnt respond but before that the messages were rolling in. Has he met someone whats the deal here?? Thanks again Swana

  61. Vic S says

    Hello. Here’s my story…I’ve been with my boyfriend nearly two years. We adore each other. We raise each other up. We can be 100% ourselves around each other. We are extremely passionate & have an excellent physical relationship, too. This is about 95% of the time. When we fight, it escalates quickly. Usually about nothing of great importance, but we both get stubborn & ridiculous. I feel like we have some very similar qualities that we don’t particularly like about ourselves & when we see it in the other, it makes us very mad.

    In the beginning, these fights were very bad. We worked very hard to be introspective & do better when these situations would arise. In the past few months, we’ve reverted back to some of our dumb ways. And while we’ve managed to get back on track much quicker than before, neither of us were happy about the fights. We just sort of pushed them aside.

    Last week, we had one of these stupid fights. He asked me to leave. My response was to continue to press my point. He finally got very fed up. He is very impatient & babyish when he’s tired. He admits to acting irrational & saying things that he doesn’t mean to shut me up as I tend to go on about things too much. When I asked him if he wanted to break up, he said yes. After more back & forth, I ended up staying. In the morning we had a productive talk & agreed we were still together.

    After two more amicable talks, he called me & backed out of our weekend trip out of town saying he needed ‘me time.’ While not happy about it & rather shocked, I agreed & went on my own. I didn’t hear from him from Fri afternoon through Sun. I respected his space & had no contact with him other than on Sun w/a pleasant call to make sure he was alive (no response from him).

    Monday, I called & he picked up immediately. Everything was pleasant. He apologized for his time away & asked to see me that evening. When we got together, everything was normal, laughter, loving. After about an hour, he dropped the bomb.

    He said he’d done lots of thinking. That everything about us was amazing. But no matter how much he knew how much he loved me & how great we were together that he had this nagging little voice telling him something just isn’t right. That he can’t put his finger on it, but he just has this gut feeling. He said it’s very difficult for him. That I’m all he thinks about. That it is weighing on him heavily because he’s not sure that it’s right & he knows how much he’s giving up, but feels it’s what he needs right now. He’s not interested in running off with other women & is quite hurt by the whole thing. He was destroyed when we parted.

    I respect him being brave enough to do this. I appreciate him taking action before our bond & love for each other was destroyed. But I’m so hurt & shocked. I believe (& believe he feels it too), that we have an incredible bond, strong love & care that runs very deep (which he brought up during the break up). I asked if he saw any possibility or hope for us. He said he wasn’t going to close himself off or rule anything out, but this is what he needs & believes we need right now. He wants to stay in each other’s lives. I don’t know what to do as what we have is so perfect & rewarding except when we fight. I know we both have work to do. Neither of us are naive. We both care so much for the other’s happiness & well being.

    I have a huge hole ripped in me now. And I know he does, too. It seems like a huge waste to throw this all away. I’m paralyzed. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I couldn’t even go to work. He’s already checked in on me over the past few days & says he’s worried about me. He’s made it clear that he’s there if I need him. He’s also suggested getting together at some point this weekend. He is adamant about staying in each other’s lives & gets visibly upset of any suggestion otherwise. I just want to figure it out. I believe in us. What do I do???

    Any thoughts, suggestions, support are greatly appreciated.

  62. Tom says

    My ex broke up 4 weeks ago, I went with no contact for the past 3 weeks. Last night, she texted: “I still love you”. …I’m confused.

  63. Sarah Snow says

    Hello. Can someone please tell me why my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend still contacts him despite the fact they broke up in 2010. He also told her that he does not wish to hear from her. (no contact rule) She use to text him but now she is actually calling him. He blocked her number but I don’t understand why she keeps contacting him. We have been dating for 2 years now and they broke up so long ago. In addition, if he didn’t text her back last year she would get very upset and send him text messages asking him why is he not texting her back and being so mean to her. It never stops with her !!!! Mind you, we are in our late 40’s and I don’t understand her childish behavior. If one of my ex boyfriends told me not to contact them I would RESPECT their wishes and their girlfriend too !!!!

  64. Rachel says

    Vic S.

    He either wants you or he doesn’t that is the simple fact. You shouldn’t let him keep a foot in the door. He is stopping you from moving on by staying in your life but there is nothing stopping him from doing so. Tell me what will you do when one day he tells you he is seeing someone else?

    Cut him off and move on. If he comes back then he has to come back as your boyfriend not this bad smell that lingers in the room.

  65. Jimmy says

    I sure wish I knew what to do…maybe one of you can give me some direction. My ex-girlfriend dumped me because I broke a promise. It was a huge mistake on my part and although I fixed it and she said she forgave me, a couple weeks later she changed her mind and ended it over the telephone, telling me my stuff was on her porch and to come get it, return her key and parking pass. I was devastated. I don’t even think I realized how deeply in love with her I was and still am. The first moth was total NC. By the middle of the fourth week she sent me a late night text telling me she was already in a new relationship — with an old flame — and they were in Maui. So after hearing that I apparently never really meant all that much to her I was even more hurt because I was still in love with her. I couldn’t believe she was already with someone new just days after leaving me. Of course, I had to assume she had cultivated and setup the new romance long before she ended it with me. She offered to talk to me and when I said I’d like to talk to her, she balked and blew me off. I was very upset and sent a scathing email telling her this was all unnecessary and that we didn’t have to have parted so bitterly; I was crushed but wanted to part as lovers and just hold her one last time and tell her how grateful I was to have had her heart for the time I had…she wouldn’t hear it. Another month went by and by the 60th day I was a complete wreck. I hadn’t dealt with my feelings and was still in denial, hopeful we could someday reconcile. I reached out with a long-winded text asking what happened and why she treated me so badly at the end. I wanted to see her for just a few minutes and out it to rest so I could heal and move on. She flat out refused to respond and ignored me for days until she sent a two texts sating that “Maybe in the future there would come a time we could talk but she is not the one to help me now, she still has feelings for me, she didn’t want to break up but my actions forced her to, and she won’t see me because she is dating someone else now and that wouldn’t be fair to them.” I accepted it and asked her to always remember how much I love her, told her I will always love her, and just wrote her off. About 4 days later she texted me again with “Hi. Just want to make sure you’re okay.” I ignored it. An hour later she called me. I answered the call and we talked for over an hour as I poured my heart out and she told me how much I’d hurt her. By the end of the conversation she was crying. She said she was confident that she could forgive me someday. I told her I finally realize that I’ve lost her forever but I miss her, still love her and hope she knows how sorry I am and how important she will always be to me. Through the tears she said, “I am so angry at you for fucking this up.” I asked her if I would ever see her again and she said “Yes. But not for a long time.” Then hung up. Two minutes after she hung up I received this text: “Glad we talked. It just got too painful at the end. I still love you.” I said I understand and I love her too. The very next morning I sent her a friend request on Facebook with a message that if her “maybe” ever has a chance at becoming a reality, to accept my friend request. At the time, admiring her from afar would be been enough. She meant the world to me. She is the love of my life and she knows it. Of course, she immediately deleted my friend request. I figured that was the end. I’ve spend the last few weeks desperately trying to fall out of love with her and move on, just as she did months ago…

    So then about 2-weeks later she sends a text saying she saw a photo of me on Facebook and that I “look very happy — which makes her happy.” I deleted it without responding. I am still grieving heavily and by now dating two other women. Problem is, neither of them is HER!!! Anyway, another 10 days passed. Then she sends another late night text asking, “Hi. How are you?” In the morning I replied with ” Doing the the best I can. Hope you’re well too.” Two hours later she texts back, “I am and you’ve been in my thoughts and prayers a lot lately.”

    Again, I ignored it. Frankly, none of these one sentence text messages means anything as far a I can tell. But when I didn’t reply it must’ve got to her because yesterday she sent me a friend request on Facebook AND sent a follow request on Instagram! I went on her Instagram and liked a picture of the Buddah but aI didn’t accept her follow request, nor did I accept her Facebook request either. I didn’t decline them, I just did nothing with them. I need more time. A lot more time. I want her back! Otherwise, I want to forget she even exists. Just knowing she’s out there and happy with someone else in her life is nearly unbearable. Today, I saw that she cancelled her Instagram follow request. And posted a photo of her new lover kissing her, arms wrapped around each other that says ‘My love’ beneath it. That’s how she used to address me in emails, text messages and cards…Seeing as I didn’t accept her friend request, it’s no big deal. And I think she misunderstood what I meant by me last Facebook message — the one she declined to accept. I want to SEE her. Even if it’s only one more time. I never wanted our last minutes together for a lifetime to be the last minutes that we both currently must live with. It hurts me so much that we didn’t part lovingly when we had such a beautiful 8-month love affair. It seems it doesn’t much matter to her at all how we parted ways. Besides, if she won’t see me or speak to me, we sure aren’t friends. Anyhow, I have no intention of ever being just her friend. If she has no interest in ever reconciling or even meeting me in person, we aren’t going to be Facebook friends. I am not going to watch her build a new life with someone else through news feeds and updates. Soooo…since she withdrew her follow request on Instagram and I haven’t accepted her friend request, I’m torn. Truth is, I don’t see myself ever getting “over her” completely. A large part of my heart will always be hers. Even if she doesn’t love me at all. I just can’t let her go. But at the same time, I am not a doormat. If she can’t pickup the phone and call me, she isn’t entitled to see how my life is going, even if it is only through online social media. What I am struggling with is that I can’t tell if she simply thinks she is just giving me what I asked for all those weeks ago or if she is signaling that she wants to connect? If the only reason she wanted to friend me on FB is to get an ego boost out of knowing how much it still hurts me to watch her with someone else then I’m glad im ignoring her. It was damn stupid of me to think I’d be okay with friendship on Facebook but at the time I was utterly heartbroken and prepared to do anything to get her to see me again. I mean, let’s face it. I’ve been defeated handily. She won the so-called game. However, I was under the impression it was all over now. Is it? Am I reading into it something that isn’t there? Is she just trying to torture me? Getting off on messing with my heart? Or is it a cursory sign that she might want to reconnect with me? Either out of kindness (as she knows I never got the closure I desperately needed) or because she wants to pump me full of false hope? I suppose at this stage it doesn’t matter. Maybe after ignoring her Instagram and FB requests she’s gonna disappear for good? No matter what, short of an actual telephone call from her, she won’t be getting ANY sort of attention from me. The pain is finally beginning to subside just a little bit and I’m not willing to go backwards for her any longer.

  66. Confused says

    So my ex snapchatted me the other night and said “Some nights I miss you” which I took as him actually just missing me, I told my friend about it and he said that my ex is lonely and has realized that I’m what he wants. I thought it was weird but good because the night before my ex made a story on snapchat about not having anything in his life, because I used to be everything, and once all he had. I didn’t expect my ex to tell me that he misses me, I thought I would be the first one to do that.

    I’ve worked very hard to get myself back and to get him back and now I feel that it’s slowly starting to come together. I feel that him flirting with me the other day, all of his actions saying still loves me, my apology to him, and him saying he misses says my hard work is finally paying off.

    I know he still has feelings from us being together for 5, almost 6 months. I know he still loves me, cares and wants me. I knew an felt deep down he did, and I knew deep down he still wanted me.

    But what do I do now? Is this a possible sign that he wants me back?

  67. says

    I just read your article and I love it . But I need your advise, I got with the guy 3 months ago and 4 days ago we broke up. Mind you I really caught feelings for him, he always held me hugged me said I love you, now when we broke up he said your not worth it , and was saying his ex girlfriend well girlfriend now and was much better than me. And he even said he is done with me and hasn’t talked to me for a while. I really want him back and don’t know if he will ever come back. What should I do to he this back :(?