Will My Ex Boyfriend Miss Me?

Almost every break up scenario separation will lead to a degree of missing the other person, even if there is no real desire to reconcile or repair the relationship on behalf of the dumper (more on this later). The primary risk that dumpees run is over-analyzing post-breakup contact and confusing the dumper’s care and concern with his actually being in love.

Will your ex boyfriend miss you? Almost certainly. In this article however, I will be outlining my views regarding whether or not he will miss you romantically, and not only as a long-time friend, and how to tell the difference.

He’s All Over The Place

A guy who misses you could act angrily or apologetically, and frankly, anywhere in between. The key to piercing his smokescreen is simple, the lines of communication remain open (even if he acts like he hates you). Bear in mind that anger and aggressiveness stem from hurt, and hurt implies caring — if he had truly moved on you would not hear from him again. Indifference is the only sure sign he wants nothing to do with you — but it can be tricky to tell whether his ignoring you is genuine, or an attempt to provoke a reaction. Here are a few indicators that his withdrawal result from hurt rather than genuine disinterest:

  • He may not initiate contact, but responds swiftly to your messages, mails and calls.
  • His reactions are heated and emotional.
  • He tries to “dig in” the fact that he is now better off without you, has moved on, or is incessant in his attempts to cement the fact that you’re now missing out (this includes material things such as losing weight, getting a raise e.t.c).
  • He subtly reaches out through mutual acquaintances.

Not all men are prone to playing games, however. Second-guessing every little facet of his behavior only leads to disillusionment and confusion. My advice would be to take communication (or lack thereof) at face value. If you have questions ask them honestly and directly without resentment.

About Crumbs

Don’t confuse sporadic contact with an attempt at reconciliation. A break up is a devastating loss for all parties involved, and they may miss your companionship and have trouble moving on, even if they have no desire to reconcile. Because of this, it is not uncommon to receive messages that range from “I miss you” to “You will always be special” and so on. These messages are usually a way for the dumper quell their own maelstrom of guilt in an attempt to move on.

Be firm in your stance against receiving these mixed messages. I have often been caught in these post-breakup loops, where the dumper and dumpee continue to message each other in this way, but with entirely different intentions. In the end it only causes more hurt and a deeper sense of rejection. If he’s playing push and pull, assume he misses his friend, and look after your own heart (it may or may not be what you wanted to hear).

Telling The Difference: Friend Or Lover?

The word miss conveys an almost infinite amount of connotations, in order to simplify, I’m going to divide it into two — friend and/or lover. Here is a subjective rundown on what I consider to be the most obvious distinctions:

Misses you as a friend:

  • Avoids talking about the break up.
  • Offers a friends-with-benefits scenario – Ironically, a man who has lost the wish to repair a relationship may still be want intimacy. For those of you who may wish to reconcile, bear in mind that attempting to use sex as a tool to reignite romance will backfire, as it will give him the best of both worlds.
  • Likes to chit-chat, but doesn’t seem to have an agenda. An ex who wishes to reconcile will usually have something important or heartfelt to say when they call.
  • Their emotions seem to be relatively luke-warm and in control.

Misses you romantically (as well as a friend):

  • Wants to talk about the break up.
  • Brings up your history often, and reminisces about the past.
  • Is jealous, possessive, angered or shaken by the prospect of you moving on.
  • Drunk dials.
  • Is impulsively angry or overly apologetic. 

As always, there are exceptions, but I have found that in the main (and I have been dumped more than my fair share of times), these guidelines have rung true in most cases.

Will My Ex Boyfriend Miss Me?

You may or may not wish for reconciliation, but simply knowing that you are missed at some level can be a liberating guilty pleasure. After-all, seeing someone move on can be a crushing blow to our self-esteem. The reality is that in just about every relationship, including ones that were abusive or addictive, there will be something to miss and a void to fill.

The bottom-line for me, is to not get caught up in over-analysis and take a transparent and honest stand with regards to emotions. If communication is possible, be direct but not accusing. Override negativity, pride and anger and there is a very good chance that you will get the answers you need. If not, you will have nevertheless hastened your own recovery by making it easier to forgive yourself, as well as him.

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Comments

  1. says

    This is a great post. Especially the part where you make it clear whether he misses you as a friend or romantically.

    I don’t think this information is out there enough. Understanding that someone may miss you but still not “be in love with you”.

    Thanks for sharing.

  2. bratinella says

    thnx for sharing this messages. i appreciate your work. and to be honest i was hit by the meaning of this. i love reading your post., keep it up:)

  3. Danielle says

    This was a great read. Especially ” if he misses you romantically or as a friend” I found that my ex misses me as a friend and I miss him romantically which hurts and is hard for me to understand but I’m not contacting him anymire

  4. says

    Hi Danielle! Thanks for your feedback. It takes courage to realize , and to have taken the course of action that you have. Bear in mind that if you can accept it in those terms, anything from here on out is a pleasant surprise. Kudos to you.

  5. Connie says

    My ex reached out to me out of the blue a couple of weeks ago after I had told him I wanted no contact since he was in a new relationship. After texting back and forth for several hours, he asked if he could call me. We then talked for over an hour. Catching up, he said he got a feeling that something was happening with my family and he wanted to check in. This is a man that usually won’t contact me first and for him to do so, blew me away. Well after a week, I found out he still is in this relationship. He says he cares for me as a “friend”, but has told me in the past that he would never remain friends with an ex. Why would he need to he says. But he can’t seem to let me go. So I’ve realized he misses me as a friend, I miss him romantically. His new GF is okay with him being friends with me, which I think is odd, and she is friends with her ex. Which I think it’s even odder that he excepts that. Thanks for your many articles. They have helped put my situation into perspective. I broke off the contact, I think it’s disrespectful to their relationship and to me.

  6. Nassima says

    Thank you or this great article ; my bf brok up with me or no reason ; he also delete me from fb and he is texting me calling me names such as dog … i really want him to suffer :(

  7. kb says

    My boyfriend of 4 years literally just disappeared. He told me on february 16th he couldn’t wait to marry me and then on february 23rd he was threatening me to leave the house or he would call the cops (he initiated a fight about no meat in the house due to my religious belief that he knew all along and then called his parents and his parents said all kind of mean things about me knowing I could hear them)…….mind you he is 34 years old……..4 months later, still not contact, no apologies, just NOTHING….cruelty is literally killing me inside

  8. James Nelmondo says

    If he didn’t care, he wouldn’t bother insulting you. As hard as it is, consider it a moral victory that he is unable to move on at your expense. Don’t give him the time of day.

  9. Mathandi says

    Thanks for this article, it helped me so much in putting things into perspective. I still miss my boyfriend and i know he still does too – romantically, but i know i can never do anything about it. It just gives me an amazing feeling to know that he still misses me. I’ve always hoped and prayed that he realised what he missed out on.

    Thanks for putting things into perspective, i really enjoy reading your work!

  10. James Nelmondo says

    Thank you very much Mahandi, I’m glad you enjoyed it! I know exactly how you feel. I’m especially glad that despite the breakup you are honest enough to profess a sense of missing, instead of becoming numb or resentful. I find that this kind of introspective honesty allows us to grow and heal at a rapid pace. Thanks for your time and thoughts!

  11. natalie lewis says

    my ex brought me birthday presents on my birthday, all full of love and kisses…… the card stating he really loved me….. I found out he got Facebook and added all old friends and ex’s, he was really angry that I saw he had put his status as ‘single’. That was 9 weeks ago….. not heard another word since. He is on facebook tagging himself in clubs and ‘liking’ pictures of half dressed women…. the sort of women that are not normaly his type …… I have maintained NC but have really suffered. He has gone back to his hometown and re-connected with people he claimed he hated and has given up his tenancy on his flat ( I heard through a friend) to move back to his home town, away from where I live. I have not heard one single word. All our problems stemmed from his cheating on me wth a work collegue 2 years ago which has always put a strain on our 6 years relationship. I have no choice but to move on :-( I know if i contact him he will push me away as he did 2 years ago when he was ‘vile’ to me, whilst i begged him to stay. He is broke financially and prior to me blocking him on Facebook , he looked awful like he was ill ….. partying the night away with his old school friends….. hopefully time will heal and I can get some closure.

  12. James Nelmondo says

    He sounds lonely and desperately seeking comfort zones in order to aggrandize his self worth (in his own eyes). To me, and I could be wrong, the fact that he professes his undying love to you is nothing more than his attempt to make his own moving on (which seems a lot more delayed than yours) easier. Once he gets the attention he seeks, and his self esteem rises, he will probably engage in another disappearing act.

    P.S Closure is not a prerequisite to moving on completely. Seeking for it will only lead you to ask yourself questions which may never have answers — thus delaying your own path to emotional liberation.

    Thanks for stopping by Natalie, I hope my opinion was of some help. Good luck!

  13. Anonymous says

    My exboyfriend curse me out told me to let him go and move on he did it so can i

  14. Pt says

    My bf wants to break up with me but I refused. He said he would give me one last chance and that he would hit me if I torture him or refuse to leave again.
    He asked me to give him a break for two
    Months til he graduates and we will start again. I text him the next day asking if he would miss me or contact me. He said no. I feel so hurt.

  15. James Nelmondo says

    Hey PT. It’s natural to feel hurt, and there’s nothing much we can do (except accept) when someone asks for time. It also sounds like there’s a lot of manipulation going on (both emotional and possibly even physical) which compels me to say that you should absolutely take the time-off and work on putting your own needs first. You deserve better than that. I don’t mean to sound patronizing, but hit you? Red flags (combined with his apparent impulsiveness) don’t get any bigger. You might just find that a breakup is a blessing in disguise.

  16. LCL says

    My boyfriend and I broke up in January after I found him scoping out women on various dating sites and finding out that he had actually picked up a woman in a bar while I was at my family’s Xmas party. We had a closure talk in February and we were talking about remaining friends. In march we went out one more time when he took me to lunch for many birthday. He told me how beautiful I was and hugged and kissed me. It wss like old times. A few days later we had a huge blowout fight. And he told me never to contact him again and that he hates me. Completely devastating. I haven’t called or antything since then….well one email last month with no response. I miss him like crazy and wonder how he is. I deleted him from facebook right after we broke up and deleted all but one mutual friend . I want to talk to him but I don’t think he will ever want to. I tried dating someone else very briefly and i just couldn’t do it. I miss my ex more than i’ve ever missed any ex. I’ve tried so hard to move on and I’m just as heart broken as I was day one. 6 months seems too long to still be devistated. What do I do? Will he ever want to talk?

  17. BB says

    I’m in the same boat Danielle, it made me realize that I of course miss him differently than he feels. I need to cutoff the text messages. I’m 46 and too old to deal with this. Its not my first heartache and it probably won’t be my last. Stay strong!

  18. James Nelmondo says

    Don’t let the idea that a long time to move on is necessarily strange. Depending on how close you were I would confidently say that at six months the pain can still be very much intense. It’s normal!

    I wish I could ease the pain with some good news, but the situation really does speak for itself. However, no contact is not a rule — it is a guide. The only reason I endorse it is because it tends to favor healing. But everyone is different, and everyone reacts differently to it. If you are burning to reach out, try doing so neutrally and openly. The risk is obviously that of rejection or silence, which can cause self-esteem and security to plummet further. If you can accept the prospect of the situation of grief being reinforced by not getting the answers you wish for, I wouldn’t argue against contacting.

  19. Nicole says

    Hi! My boyfriend broke up with me about a week ago. To me, it felt like it was out of the blue. He invited me to go fishing that weekend and then that Monday, he said he couldn’t do it anymore and that he had a lot of changes happening and didn’t want to string me along. He never stopped wanting to hang out and didn’t ignore me before the break up. So I just think it’s weird for all of a sudden to break up.. I told him that I respect his decision and have not made contact with him. He treated me very well through out our relationship. I just want to know if there’s a chance he might will contact me

  20. Nicole says

    And he also deleted everything I posted and tagged him in on Facebook including pics.. What does that mean?

  21. James Nelmondo says

    Hi Nicole,

    You’re doing the right thing by respecting his decision, it will improve your chance at reconciliation should he begin to miss you (and he will to some extent). But more importantly, will improve your chances at moving on swiftly (something that most people, myself included, have difficulty doing).

    Regarding Facebook; there’s really no way of knowing. My guess is that moving on for him isn’t quite as easy as it appears. And having a constant reminder of you on his Facebook may be painful. Of course, and please excuse my brutality (I make a point of not lying) it could also be to protect a new frame from having to see those pictures. In most cases however it will generally be the first reason.

  22. Donna says

    Me and my ex split 3 months ago we haven’t spoke for a month but when we last did I was getting called a dog and he said I would never do better than him and we both know that! He seems to like kicking me when I’m down – he also did the whole rebound thing and met someone after 2 weeks of us splitting and I know now through mutual friends he is no longer seeing her. Why is he being so insulting if he does not care which I know he doesn’t as he has said

  23. linkworshiper says

    My boyfriend and I broke up about five months ago during an argument where he had a bit of a freak out and just dropped it. It’s been an incredibly emotional mess for me (and maybe him?) since, as I had a breakdown and ended up in the hospital and have been trying to recover from that and deal with my diagnosis. But then we were still talking off and on via text, though we didn’t really start spending time with each other again until about three months into the break, after I ran into him on the street and we had a nice face-to-face in which he admitted he had been a little scared to speak with me until then. We started talking more easily, openly… I expressed what I needed from him for my mental health, and he expressed he wanted time to work on himself. I got the impression we were in that friend phase where we were starting from the ground up to rebuild things, I suppose, especially since I was noticing serious improvements in our communication and he would repeatedly tell me how important I am to him. Sometimes he would invite me out, sometimes I would invite him out, sometimes we would just agree to find time to do something together. Then he started flirting with me, and it was pretty serious flirting for about a week, not just one isolated, possibly drunk interaction. The week after, though, he became incredibly distant and it really hurt me that he’d be so warm and then turn on a dime, so I called him out on it and made him tell me what was going on, because I could tell it wasn’t just work stress. When we met up to talk about it, he said that he met someone and he was feeling her out, trying to decide if he wanted to pursue her or be her friend, and after all that flirting, I decided that it wasn’t fair and that if that was the case, until he figured out what he wanted, maybe we shouldn’t talk for a little bit because I felt like he was stringing me along and it was hurting me. I guess I didn’t want to end up in a situation where I was the backup plan, even though I really want to fix things with him. I guess I’m hoping that putting my foot down and telling him the way he treated me in the past few weeks is not okay will stop his push/pull cycle and get him to really figure out what he wants, because I’m not sure he’s entirely aware of what he did. I guess I worry maybe I slammed the door and he’ll think that’s a green light to just really pursue this other girl, but is there any chance that he will get a clue with me suddenly not in his life and perhaps gravitate back towards me? Something to this effect worked with him once before in a similar situation, though there was no other girl that time. I just don’t know.

  24. James Nelmondo says

    There’s a sea of difference between what one says, and what one does. If he genuinely didn’t care, he wouldn’t bother to insult you. The reason he does it is to get his egotistical fix (it makes moving on easier for him if he convinces himself that you are unworthy of him). It’s about him, not about you Donna — ignore him.

  25. James Nelmondo says

    First off, sorry to hear about the pain LW, give me physical pain over emotional trauma any day of the week. It’s horrible.

    I guess I worry maybe I slammed the door and he’ll think that’s a green light to just really pursue this other girl

    I know the feeling. Don’t let insecurity tear at the seams of what you feel is inherently just. If all it takes for him to bail is you standing up for yourself, the relationship was probably doomed. I say this because standing up for yourself, erecting boundaries and so on are necessary on a day-to-day basis. Relationships necessitate respect on both sides of the aisle.

    On top of this, if he was already interested in another girl his feelings were already flat lining (sorry for the brutality, it remains my opinion, not a fact). If he does have feelings but his pride prevents him from breaking the silence, again, his feelings can’t have been all that strong. It does seem he is torn, but I doubt it is because of this “other girl”, my gut tells me he feels a little suffocated and wants to remind himself of his options. Your previous need to “need him for your own health” probably catalyzed further distance (which it partly did).

    I would give it some space. For you to turn that need into a want, and for him to crystallize what his feelings and intentions are. My only qualm is being wary of him returning too soon, or sending mixed signals. Moving on is hard work, for him included. Therefore it is extremely common for exs to come knocking because they are feeling lonely and want their comfort zone to ease their pain (rather than out of love). It tends to not work out well as you can imagine.

    Give it a little time and then reach out tentatively.

    At least, that’s my humble suggestion!

  26. Linkworshiper says

    Most of that makes a lot of sense and does make me feel better that laying down the law was the right move. He took what I said with a lot of neutrality, only dissenting when I told him I felt like he was expecting the same relationship we had except without sex. (He said I was being presumptuous, but maybe I just hit the nail on the head too hard.) He was even the one to suggest that I be the one to come back when I felt comfortable, as I had originally put a time limit down. I don’t know if that means he’s trying to cop out or if he’s really concerned about my feelings.

    My gut agrees with your gut about him being confused and trying to figure out what he wants. I guess I figured he can’t do that if I’m there as usual and he takes me for granted. He seemed very up in the air when he talked about the other girl and I almost even wonder if he would have told me if I had t made him. I hope it’s not bad that a big thing I had been doing in our interactions these past months is forcing him to communicate with me and also being very open about things on my end. He was always bad about communication, so I was trying to lead by example. He gets kind of finicky when he hears things he doesn’t like, but in this final interaction where I asked for space, I made sure I was candid anyway. I hope that doesn’t make him shut down.

  27. demon says

    i met this guy two years back.nd in those two years he hlped m in every possible way.in every difficulty he stood by my side..it was the toughest phase of my life ……we wer freinds initially. nd we are poles apart in every sense .we discussesd many stuffs thru chatting in which i told him i will nt hv a bf bcz i m nt comfrtble wid getting intimate before marriage and he told m he wants to get intimate with every girl possible..but i paid no heed to it …den we got attracted nd den in january we confessed our love…but i told him i can not b his gf as i m not comfortable with intimacy factor..nd hav other issue wid my health too.nd my family is very conservative.. i have limitations nd i m very shy….after some time in dt relation .he wnted to kiss m.. feed food to m hold my hands hug me ..go to disc wid m…but i refused all this..bcz i didnt wnt to lead him on..we had many fights bcz of dis nd on some other mentallity issues.he told m everything is ruined now…nthing will b d same u dnt love m….he used to call me by a nick name…nd used to tell m how our life will b after marriage…now recently he admitted to m he has been fllirting wid other girls…for two reson ….first to fill my space…second as he made it clear to m earlier dt he wants to have IT with every girli was shattered …nd i told him we can not continue like dis …we fought for many days…in which he told m where did i lacked…so i asked him if earlier i acted as he wanted m to (intmacy factor)….will his thinking of having every girl knocked be changed ….he said he isnt sure….it could have been like dt …..so i told him ok we can giv it other shot…i love him dearly so i can keep my limitations aside ….so will he b loyal den…..he said y i wnt to try it after 2 years….nd refused for this…bcz he said i knws himslef nd myself …..we cant not adjust…..he cant b changed….nd if i put efforts now ….it will hurt m more as there wil b no positive result….he knows dt i dnt feel nything whenever he touches m (i m nt sure its true or nt)he said dt he thought i will adjust wid dis mentallity…every man does dt.but dey hide it…filmstar or any big personality every man does it ..he is just being honest nd dts y he lost m ….he wnts m to stay but he knows he **** change nd its wrong on my part so at the same point he wnts m to move on …..den only he told m he is not a virgin….he did it earlier way back ….nd habits never change ….he can put a hold on to it for some time but he will do it ..may b without telling msince i dnt think ny girl can tolerate cheating ….i agreed on our speration. He dsnt feel the same way nymore but still loves me…wt does dis suppose to mean even…He wnts to b frnds..i m nt sure though its nt easy to b frnds jst like dt..he said he never wnted a relationship he jst fell in love wid me…he always wnted to fly…he dsnt wnt nyone to questn him worry for him stop him…..so i guess in a way he regret these 2 years..he says he will support m every way…will hlp me find my kind of guy…..so the point isdid i lacked in those two years is this the result of my lack of showing love will his mentally never change should i move on or wait…..should i hold on to him……keep loving him are every men like dis…. he was involved in every secnd of my life ….we used to chat whole day nd shared every minor detail…der is too much hollow space …i feel so alone..i m experiencing a small death like feeling …too much silence …i cry alot i keep thing y he cant change…wat if in future he changes for someone else …..he is a nice guy if u remove dis silly thinking of his…he did everything fr m …i dnt knw wt to write ny more ..i know i lacked in showing love…but i told him y i am like dis …nd he said he understands..i thought he will wait …i thought we will surely get married …he was my strength…now i m nt sure where i stand….i dnt think i can b frnds wid him ever ….i just wnt to get over dis miserable period….we are so young ….he is just 23 year old…..may its too early fr him to handle a relationshipbut is der a loyal men …will i b fortunate enuf to get married to one..i m srsly going for arranged marriage after dis… oh i m crying writing dis

    Its been one mnth…he went out with two girls…nd he feels guilty abt it…feela like a cheater..nd also he says bcz of my anger his love fr m vanished…he talks to me smtimes…smtimes rudely ..or hurt…or over expressively…..

    Wat to do????

  28. James Nelmondo says

    Relationships hardly ever make sense because they are predominantly about feelings and not logic. Especially at such a young age.

    Let me assure you that loyal men do exist! If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my readers its that relationship troubles afflict both men and women surprisingly equally.

    My only advice would be to stop thinking about what he’s feeling and start focusing on yourself. Don’t let his guilt or insecurity bring you down. If his mixed messages and desire to be friends are not what you want, make sure you do what it takes to remove yourself from the prospect of being manipulated or hurt. Cheating is absolutely not ok unless you have agreed to be in an open relationship. Stop playing the game and take some time off — let him see what life is like without you. If he genuinely misses you I guarantee he will move mountains to let you know.

    In the meantime put yourself first!

  29. Linkworshiper says

    Me again…. So it’s been two weeks of taking space from my ex. This morning I saw he blocked me on Facebook, which he claims to not care about. I worry he’s trying to tell me to go, though its just as likely that he might be trying to protect himself not knowing how much time ill take and not wanting to break the stipulation that i reach out when im ready. I really want to reach out now but I’m not sure if that’s a good idea. I’m in a better place about the whole thing but I also don’t want to seem desperate or anything. Just not sure where he might be at I guess.

  30. James Nelmondo says

    You’re right LW, it could be either or (or both). It’s a fine juggling act. On the one side you need to measure your own emotional security, but on the other no contact can lead to resentment and a swelling of defensive pride. Eventually his walls (irrespective of how he feels) may end up being piled too high to breach.

    I wouldn’t wait too long to break no contact if you intend to reconcile, it can be taken too far, and he may misinterpret your actions. Just as his actions are now open to misinterpretaion by you.

  31. linkworshiper says

    You’re right. I had originally asked for two weeks, and here, at two weeks, this happened. So I sent him a text today saying that I appreciated him giving me the space I needed and that it helped me, and that I was here if he had time. I guess at this point it’s a waiting game, but for all the reasons I have that it might be just fine, I still worry he’s trying to push away. I just hope he doesn’t think it’s me being needy and reaching out because I just noticed the blocking.

  32. Linkworshiper says

    Also… update… I realized he just deactivated his whole account, not blocked me. Does this make a difference?

  33. James Nelmondo says

    Blocking you means he won’t appear on the Facebook search, are you sure it isn’t a regular block? At this point there isn’t much you can do, you’ve opened the lines of communication and given him more than enough of an opening, should he wish to pursue it.

    I wouldn’t “wait” for an answer, just plough on ahead as you did before. It might take him a little time to garner enough security to answer. I wouldn’t worry about looking needy — you’ve acted far more level-headedly than most in that situation. But remember that no answer is an answer. If he chooses not to answer resist the urge to tie loose ends.

  34. linkworshiper says

    Well, when you search him, his name pops up, but there’s no profile picture. It is the same when I looked at my PMs… the thread is still there with his name, just no user picture. I had blocked him back when all this first happened a few months ago to keep myself from being depressed by anything that popped up on my feed, and when I did that, he appeared as ‘Unknown User’ in my PM list and wouldn’t appear at all when I searched him.

    You’re probably right it might take him some time: he’s very slow at processing “serious” stuff, and if he really is taking time to think I doubt he’s ever done it to this extent in his life. I guess I am hoping that deactivating is more of a sign that he’s trying to keep himself from interacting with Facebook instead of keeping someone on Facebook interacting with him (i.e. me). You are also reassuring that I have been acting level-headedly, because I keep worrying myself that all he sees is some needy person who gets upset about stuff I shouldn’t. Like I guess I worry me even telling him I need space will be him taking a green light to not worry about me anymore. But maybe that’s just paranoia?

  35. Nikki says

    Hey! So my ex bf broke up with me about 3 weeks ago. I thought everything was going fine and then out of the blue wants to break up. After a few days I texted him saying that I agreed with the breakup (although I really don’t agree). After that he deleted me off facebook.. I really took some time to think about everything, maybe he got bored with me. Romance was fizzling out.. But we still got along well. I was just wondering, should I be the one to initiate contact with him maybe in a week or so? Or should I wait for him to maybe initiate contact (not sure if he ever will) since he’s the one who broke up with me? We have had no contact at all for 2 and a half weeks. And I’m so scared to try to talk to him cause I don’t want him to think I’m needy or anything.. But I’m scared to wait for him to text me cause maybe he never will. He always treated me with respect so I would be willing to give it another shot if he will… Just confused on what to do

  36. James Nelmondo says

    should I be the one to initiate contact with him maybe in a week or so?

    Hi there Nikki, thanks for stopping by!

    Two and a half weeks feels like an eternity after a breakup, but it really isn’t all that long in the great scheme of things. It is entirely natural for passion to deflate, and for complacency to step in any relationship so make sure you don’t take it personally.

    Ideally you should wait long enough for you to feel level-headed enough to deal with any outcome, so that should you get mixed results (or silence) it won’t destroy whatever progress you have made. It should always be long enough, also, for your ex to have considered what life is like without you — or whatever lead to the breakup will not be addressed.

    A month or two sounds like a good amount of time to initiate contact. Although there’s something you should consider: If the only chance you have at reconciliation rests on your shoulders (despite him having dumped you), how deep is his commitment to begin with? If he is quite a prideful person at heart perhaps guilt or pride are stopping him from contacting you.

    In any case, it’s probably better to go ahead and contact him if the doubt of never being sure outweighs the fear of possible rejection.

  37. James Nelmondo says

    I wouldn’t call it paranoia, it’s definitely normal to be anxious and analytical when it comes to someone we care about. Because you have used NC as a way of improving your own mind state, and not a gimmick to starve him of attention, it shows a healthy measure of self-esteem (and not manipulation). It all depends how you use NC. You can’t control how he sees your actions, but thankfully (and more importantly) you can control your intention and healing. And at the end of the day, whether he sees it your way or not, you will be able to move on or reconcile without feeling guilty.

  38. Missie says

    I stumbled across this as I was searching for ” why is my Ex still so angry at me”. Great article. I truly care for my Ex, but he insists on telling everyone oh and FaceBook that I am crazy and that I am psycho and when I see him in person with our mutual friends he is so angry. It’s been two years. If caring about him ( texting when his Grandma died) + crazy and psycho fine I am….but he also gets drunk and takes it our on my friends when he sees pictures of us on her Facebook. I have always wondered if he is still so angry b/c he still has feelings for me. He denies it to the moon. He says I was his slampiece good for sex and that’s all. I have to wonder if the old phrase the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference is true. I think he is angry seeing me so happy when he is not.

  39. James Nelmondo says

    It’s an unfortunately common reaction out of exs Missie. I discuss it at length here. You’re right, if he didn’t care you’d never hear from him again. If the thought of you still manages to get him so heated he obviously still has feelings for you.

    There’s obviously no easy way of dealing with it from you end, other than to realize that he’s attempting to bait a reaction out of you. Should you become passive to his efforts at doing so, the torment will usually stop.

  40. confusedlover says

    I broke up with my boyfriend a week ago. We were together for 2 moths but pretty much going out for 4 months. We started out as a distance relationship because I had to go visit my parents. I asked him if he wanted to wait until I got back but he said no. Things were amazing at first, we loved each other. he was the first to say I love you actually. Towards the end of my stay at my parents he started changing. Calling me less. Texting me less. Reading my text and simply not answering. I feel that he gave up. When I got back to where I live he visited me my first day and everything fell back in place. Except his new job made it impossible to hang out and we barely had time to speak during the day. I had to stay up until after midnight to have a conversation with him. We only saw each other one more time after that, and then fights kept coming up. We’d been fighting a lot for at least a month. Anyways, we broke up monday. I wanted to end it, and so did he. We both admitted we fight too much. I feel like now that i’m in the same area and we can hang out, things would have worked out. Distance just ruined things at first. But i also think he gave up. I really miss him. Like crazy. He hasn’t even texted or called. I feel like maybe I’m the one who should. Who should text in a mutual break up?

  41. James Nelmondo says

    He hasn’t even texted or called. I feel like maybe I’m the one who should.

    Hi Confusedlover, thanks for dropping by! On the one side it seems that his “giving up” is something of a chronic issue. It manifested itself early, and continues past the breakup. Even if you were able to solve your differences and reconcile, are you willing to emotionally invest in a relationship where this issue may leave you stranded again in the future? Will it always be up to you mend the fences? Is that something you are willing bear?

    Here’s the thing; you are missing him like crazy. Which is why it is the worst possible moment to talk about reconciling. One week is not a very long time at all, I would urge you to give it a few more weeks, long enough for both of you to get through the initial trauma and see what’s on the other side. If you continue to feel strongly towards him, you will nevertheless be in a better position to make objective decisions than you are now.

    Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck!

    P.S: If he cares about you he isn’t going anywhere, so take all the time you need to make the right decision.

    P.S.S: I removed your avatar (from gravatar) to protect your privacy. Let me know if you want me to add it back.

  42. Missie says

    Thank You! I suspected as much, it’s been nearly two years, and while I have been trying to move on, and so has he…we still find ourselves in the midst of drama. He was living with another girl, yet continued to talk about me behind my back, put me down, get angry with me ect…..I am pretty sure he still has feelings for me, but I guess the same can be said of me. I still have feelings for him or none of this would matter. We are in our early 30’s but were each others first loves. Due to both of us having high career aspirations and years of school, neither of us really had real relationships until we met on-line. I don’t know why, but I still miss that Jerk myself!!!! Maybe I just miss the feelings he gave me, or the friendship? Either way, I pray everyday that we can get along some day, that we can both grow up, and be friends :-)

  43. James Nelmondo says

    we still find ourselves in the midst of drama

    I think that anyone who claims to not have that timeless someone who is able to give them the jitters is lying through their teeth :)

    The thing about relationships is that they completely bypass reason. It’s never about logic, it’s about how we feel. And thus the drama is ever-present, despite our objectivity and maturity. It makes children of us all (quite literally — our childhood fear of abandonment never leaves us).

    Best of luck!

    P.S: It’s a small world, you never know!

  44. confusedlover says

    Thank you!
    I completely agree with what you said. And have even started to really consider if I actually want that. I’m currently just feeling mad because it makes me wonder if anything was ever real in the first place /: i guess there will always be people who lie out there, i just hoped it wouldnt be my case ;p
    I guess the talks about how I was his soulmate were just a way woo me :(
    Thank you for your advise, such an awesome page!
    P. S. thanks for removing my avatar! I didn’t notice it appeared.

  45. demon says

    Hey there……oh well its been two months…since that big fight..i tried solving the issue…tried being norml…we spend time with each other…in between came my birthday…but….all these efforts were one sided….i figured that ..if i try healing our wounds may be that feeling…which he claims to say is not inside him anymore(“i dont feel the same “qoute)….will come back..then we can work on understanding nd loyalty issue ..but …he really seemed distracted during that time…not really into me you know…he didnt pamper me he would snap at me…..we always used to go to college together…he would pick me up .. but last week i went there myself…without even telling him…he didnt even bother to ask….though we both were online on whatsapp……so in college i see….he has come to college with new intrest of his…..he claims to have no feelings fr her ..but he said he likes talking to her….though that girl did express her romantic feelings for him….i mean….doesnt this imply he is giving her hope …..he says he is talking to many other girls also ….i just dnt knw abt dem……so like what if you are…what are you trying to achieve ..trying to feel my space????

    Anyways i cried alot…taunted that girl…which led to me and him fighting …and him defending her that she doesnt know anything about us(all crap….)

    And him warning me ” he will not come to college if i keep doing this..i should not ruin whatever feelings is left inside him for me…..i should not make him hate me”

    I asked him to put efforts…try to see HIS old girl in me…but he said ….it will create problems in future..he has made up his mind…i should not weaken him..he cant stay at “one place”….he will cheat again…he doesnt want to hurt me anymore…he wants to fly.. he too young to give commitments…just because he loves someone he” can not leave living life”.after being together for two years.. he doesnt know what to talk to me….i will keep on saying call me…but ….he dsnt show dt much intrest …even if he does…i do the talking which ultimately leads to….conflicts…he said he never wanted to love anyone…he is not right for this ..he doesnt deserve me..he wants to be alone..then y r u talking to other girls man…leave everyone..u r nt attached to dem but you are talking to dem want to talk to dem …you say u still love me…but u r leaving me!!!!..u hv nothing to say to me through whole day ..makes sense?..talk about low self esteem

    Please explain this statement to me “can not leave living life”….people run for love….what is he doing… i will not be there if he realises anything at all.

    He keeps talking to that girl…i only have her number so u can only talk about this one…9 am to 3 pm….she informs his whereabouts to teachers…she recently had break up also.pretty serious one was that…but now she claims to love him..and i hv past grudges with her too…yet he decided to do this….its beyond my understanding

    All this happended before my birthday….so need less to say my birthday was a formality…..a last tribute to our ….so called relationship

    So like on 19 ….i myself decided to move one…..let go…..i dnt want to hate him…..its hurtig me alot…even last night he didnt replied to my good night….i had sleepless night …its 6:15 am here…and i m writing to you

    Now since i made a choice….i m not sure how right is dis..but .i would seriously want to stick to it…..please tell me….how to do so….its not easy to shift the focus when you made him the center…when you imagined your whole life together…its not easy to erase those futuristic pictures…

    He will b in front of me ….in college …online…with that girl i suppose …thats not easy to face….how to handle this .

  46. James Nelmondo says

    its not easy to shift the focus when you made him the center

    No, it isn’t easy.It’s very, very difficult. But that is also precisely why you need to try and move on, in order to remove that emotional dependency. There’s no easy way to do it, there’s no way to remove the pain from the separation process. I wish that I could claim that there was. But there isn’t.

    At this stage it is important to try and stop over-analysis (there is obviously a great deal of confusion). I would suggest going no contact and taking a step back from it all. Communicating with him, and clinging onto false hope in order to feel better in the short-term will lead to a situation where the hurt never seems to end.

    By putting yourself first, even if it will feel more painful right now, you will rapidly begin to feel more in control of your emotional future.

  47. James Nelmondo says

    No worries CL, and thanks for the compliment!

    In the end the only thing that really matters is that we held up our end of the bargain, and were transparent with our intent. At least we can smile at the reflection in the mirror :)

  48. Missie says

    Can I just say again, thank you so much for your advice and for letting us silly girls/women “pick your brain” I feel you should be charging us. But I do recommend this blog to all my friends now. So just to re-cap you helped me out a few comments back. This weekend, my friends dragged me out to a new club in town. It’s an after hours party spot. Most of my friends are in the music industry, including my EX. So as soon as we walk in and head for the DJ booth, my friend Chrissie spots my EX, and she says “Oh shit, Jason (my Ex) is there”. I freak out…I mean seriously I shouldn’t it’s been two years since we ended things!!! But during that time it’s been a roller – coaster of Hot/Cold drama. One month he’s nice, one month he’s doing stupid stuff…… Of all the places in the world he had to be at this one. I finally calmed down and the DJ friend I was with escorted us girls up there. I ignored the Ex; he ignored me so as to avoid drama. But what I don’t get is why he has to talk shit about me. Apparently, he told the guy I was with “Chrissie is cool, but the other one is Bat-shit crazy”. Even if he feels that way about me. (Which feeling is mutual) why say anything at all? Why not let it go….I hate that we acted like each other didn’t exist. But I also know I looked damn hot, and I had a hot guy by my side which probably pissed him off. Look my ego is not so big as to really thing he still has feelings for me, I just think some part of him is not over me or the situation if he still has to bad mouth me and talk smack. All- in- all I am proud I avoided further drama. Thanks!

  49. James Nelmondo says

    Thanks for the feedback and support, it means a lot to me Missie!

    But what I don’t get is why he has to talk shit about me

    He doesn’t have to, he’s going out of his way to do so — which probably means he’s doing it for the “benefit” (it only ever really makes him look insecure anyway) of those around him.

    You did the right think by avoiding the drama. His public slandering of you will only ever look him look bat-shit crazy. Perhaps the best thing is that you met face-to-face and seem to have come out swinging. That speaks volumes of the progress you’ve made. I remember when it happened to me I left the club, heh.

    Thanks for the update, its nice to see people moving on for their own sake and not allowing their ex’s insecurity to become theirs. Best of luck Missie!

  50. Missie says

    I not only came out swinging, I am starting to see just what an ego my EX has. ( now side note as a friend for some reason I do care about him) But I’d never date him again after hearing this: One of my friends had to defend me today. My EX is still telling the story about our “run-in” now 3-days later….Get over it!! He told my friend that, someone tagged him on Facebook, so I knew he was there, and that we just went there b/c I’m stalking him….to which my loyal friend responded with the fact that I, no longer have a Face Book page. Nope, I deactivated months ago. I know the truth & God knows the truth. I didn’t even want to go to that after-hours club, it was not my decision, I was dragged along by another DJ friend of ours. So if it makes my EX feel better about himself to think he has a stalker, fine! I’m done with these silly games of two years….. He’s obviously thinking about me for some reason. But now after hearing your advise and hearing what others have to say, I know I could never date him again…..I do miss the friend that I once knew, and I do continue to pray for some kind of friendship in the future ( yes even after this) I also hold my head high around those who choose to believe the lies…hey every hot chick is crazy, so who cares!! LOL

  51. James Nelmondo says

    I do miss the friend that I once knew…. I also hold my head high around those who choose to believe the lies

    Bingo. You’ve nailed what moving on is by demonstrating both of these traits, well done.

    a) You can’t move on fully without forgiving, and perceiving his pain rather than judging it.

    and

    b) Putting your own dignity, healing and needs first.

    For someone who claimed to have “silly” thoughts you demonstrate a remarkable aptitude in doing the right thing. And quite frankly, are doing what I personally struggle with. Glad to hear it. I’d offer you the best of luck, but you don’t need it :)

  52. Quita says

    Hi, I ran across your post and it really is helping me. Make a long story short my boyfriend of 4 years broke my heart out the blue. Our relationship as never perfect; but tell me anyone’s whos is. We had serious issues on his part as far as cheating and lieing to me numerous times. Through it all I took him back because I loved him and I wanted to work through things. We would breakup for a few weeks and get back together. Before the recent break up, we discussed of any issues arise we would talk about it. He agreed. He has a IG account and he post and makes inappropriate comments that I felt as a man couldn’t be posted while in a committed relationship. Anyway, I brought it to his attention and next thing you know he broke up with me then said that. I poured out my heart to him and begged him to work things out with me but so cold heartily he said no we aren’t getting back together. I truly love this man through good and bad ups and downs and I do still want to be with him but I don’t want to chase him but I’m afraid I’m going to lose him. Also I don’t want to down play my worth and pride as a women as well. I haven’t spoken or contact him since the breakup and he hasn’t either and I really don’t know what to do. Anything advice or help will be greatly appreciate. Sincerely, Broken Hearted Girl :(

  53. James Nelmondo says

    Hi Quita, sorry to hear about your situation.

    As bad as it is, the silence is probably for the best – at least for the time being. Time away from you will eventually ensure that he stops taking your efforts for granted. I feel that respect and objectivity should be prerequisites to reconciliation, although I do understand how separation can traumatize, soften our resolve and destroy what is left of our self esteem.

    Yes, there’s always the fear that silence and distance can cause him to move further afield, but frankly, judging by his actions that led to the breakup, he was already a million miles away. Time will work in your favor, no matter what happens. I would advise giving it a few weeks and then perhaps shooting him an email to open the lines of communication. This should give you both a chance to iron underlying fears out and usher in the objectivity necesssary to talk about reconciliation. But, again, that’s just my opinion :)

  54. Quita says

    Thank you so much for the advice. I think you are correct. Silence is key. However I don’t think ill be contacting him through email text or call. He needs to really feel it and realize like you said my worth and that I as a women put up with alot from him that alot of other women wouldn’t have. I love and care from him alot n I do want us to work but like you said, on my terms. So we will see how real and true his love is for me. If it loves me like he told me he did over the past years he will contact me and I know we will. I have faith. Thanks again so much n I will keep you updated. :)

  55. James Nelmondo says

    That’s a good stance Quita, I like how you refuse to give in to resentment and cynicism (as forms of denial that keep us from moving on). Stay strong!

  56. lisy says

    i dont even know if mine misses me, we broke up and we just havnt talked ever since, its been 5 days should i wait ?

  57. Lee says

    My ex went thru my phone and found some messages of a colleague. He flipped and ended our five year relationship stating that I was having an affair, even tho the messages were innocent. I think he used this as an excuse to befriend his ex. I miss him desperately after three months, there has been no contact and I do not know what to do I feel unable to move on. He makes contact with my family and friends, but shows me no respect. I still love him but know the feeling is no longer mutual. He has been brutal thru our break up and even started a hate campaign on face book against me. Do I initiate any contact or keep my dignity and remain silent???

  58. James Nelmondo says

    Hey Lisy, sorry for the late reply.

    Yes, I think you should, 5 days is an instant, in most cases reconciliation is usually attempted in the 1-3 month range. It can take awhile for the dumper to digest life without the dumpee.

  59. susan says

    Hi my name is susan..I been in a relationship for about 3 years. During these 3 years my boyfriend has broken up with me a few times and we have gotten back together …he has recently broke up with me ..his birthday is coming up this month..do you think he will call me ..I have decided not to contact him..I do wish to spend time with him on his birthday

  60. Wendy says

    Hi, we’re colleagues and have always liked each other a lot on a professional basis. Sparks flew and we got together this year (even though we shouldn’t as he is already committed to someone else and we won’t work out in the long term as we work in offices in different continents). Despite being very happy together, In June, he caught me by surprise when he initiated a break-up with me saying that he’s afraid of getting emotionally attached to me. At that point he wasn’t sure of his decision yet, and I wasn’t ready and didnt want to let him go. We held on and with the breakup weighing on our minds, we finally had a huge fight last month when he told me never to contact him outside of work anymore. He insisted that we cannot be friends and we could only be good colleagues like in the past. We exchanged some closure emails, he went on holiday and came back. We had no contact for one month, and I initiated contact recently for work. But I got really upset because he sounded in good spirits in general and as if nothing has happened between us. He didnt bother to ask how i was doing and i feel as if he’s completely moved on, while Im still nursing a broken heart and trying to pick up the pieces he left behind. I broke my 1-month non contact and messaged him in private to blast at him. He obviously has no reply to my angry messages. I’m now back to square one. How do I maintain non contact when we have to communicate periodically at work? Quitting is not an option for either of us. I still feel for him and am feeling very sad and miserable.

  61. James Nelmondo says

    Sorry for the super-late reply Susan!

    I agree with your stance on silence, because it helps you to dissociate yourself from expectations such as contact. Having said that, in my limited experience I would edge towards his continued silence for now. Although I really have no way of knowing (let’s call it a guess). The important thing, I think, is to not create the expectation that he will call you, because if he doesn’t it risks resetting your healing.

  62. James Nelmondo says

    Hi Wendy, sorry to hear about your conundrum!

    As you can imagine, there are no magic bullets and no contact is obviously a no-go in this case.

    There seems to be (and I could be wrong) a lot of broken pride here. I absolutely would not judge his apparent light-heartedness and indifference as a sign he no longer cares. His social face may well conceal pain, by attempting to over-analyze his intent (because you naturally have no access to the fragile core of his feelings) you risk damaging your own sense of self worth, esteem and security needlessly. Additionally, by lashing out you are also redefining how he associates your contact. You are no longer a source of levity, but of pain — and it will only ever create more distance.

    I’m sure you already know this, but there is only one option in my opinion; stick to a limited contact plan, make contact as impersonal and functional as possible and focus instead on salvaging your own peace of mind. If he is going to double-back and talk to you romantically, it must in any case be initiated by him, without prompting from you. It’s the only way to be sure he means it.

    Less is more, in this case. And he will only ever seriously reconsider his loss if he is left adrift without your attention. Time will work in your favor no matter what. Either he will come to realize what you meant to him, or you will begin to heal in small doses. Your displays of anger and frustration will only tell him you still need him, if you want to know how deep the rabbit hole of his emotions go, you need to make him question how you are getting along.

  63. KK says

    My bf of 2 years, and I broke-up a week ago…finally, after going through many intermediate fights and break-ups. We never had a week when we hadn’t spoken…it’s the first one. We had issues on our approach towards life, and the fact that I wanted to live life with full honesty while he believed manipulation was necessary to succeed. He had actually lied a lot about himself when and after entering into this relationship. Yet, he is someone I loved a lot…and I forgave him for everything I could. Despite all this, our relationship didn’t sustain, and we are no more together. I feel like a failure and also helpless as I do not know what else could have I done to have this relationship. My brain says that it’s good that it ended, but the heart craves for it…I wish that he misses me.

  64. Feeling low says

    Hello.

    Me and my boyfriend broke up 3 weeks ago. I found out that one even a week after we split he had msg a girl asking for her number. When I asked him about this he said he just wanted some attention. We broke up cause he said he weren’t in love with me anymore and was really unhappy but he still loved me so much. we have been like best friends for 10 years and a couple for 5 years. I asked him over a week after we split if he was msging any1 else and he said no, which I found out later was a lie. He goes out every weekend and his best mate split up with his girlfriend a few months ago which I think has a lot to do with our break. One minute we were talking about the future and the next minute this. I’m crushed, so hurt he couldn’t even wait a week before trying to pull some1 else. It seems like he doesn’t even care that he’s hurt me and that I really didn’t mean much to him at all. I really had a go at him and said exactly what I thought and how I felt. All he said was that he’s not arguing with me and told me to leave him alone and he got the hump about it. I feel like I meant nothing to him. He didn’t even look bothered.

  65. James Nelmondo says

    Sorry to hear about your situation FL,

    It’s always hard to see someone with whom we were so close apparently move on so swiftly. However, I would try and avoid torturing yourself yourself over what is “apparently” occurring, it can and will needlessly destroy what little is left of self-esteem and self-worth. I’ve written about why exs tend to — at least– superficially move on so swiftly right here, it might be worth a browse! Not all is always as it seems, and rebound relationships tend to be exactly what your ex claimed it was, “just wanting some attention”. Bear in mind that these rebounds tend to happen not as a way to forget you, but because it is a subconscious way of dealing with the gaping loss breaking up tends to leave.

  66. Feeling low says

    Thanks for your reply. It’s just so hard as we still live together and I literally have no where to go so I see him constantly. We live with his parents as their place was to big for them and they asked us to move in. I really don’t know how I’m going to get over this or if I can get over it. It really hurts as he just don’t seem to care and doesn’t act like he has done anything wrong to hurt me. It’s as if I have done something wrong. I really hate him at the moment and want to move out so he doesn’t see me at all so maybe he’ll realise wot he has lost. I think with me still living here he won’t miss me at all cause he knows where I am. That must sound really stupid. I don’t know wot to do. I feel like I could really have a break down as I’m hurting so bad especially with his “so what” attitude.

  67. Numb says

    Hello. I’ve broke up with my boyfriend after 2years being together. We broke up due to my misbehavior, as he said I was being too controlling and a bit possessive. I do have my own reasons for having such issues; cause at the early stage of our relationship, he kind of had a scandal and, only God knows how hard i tried to fight for our relationship. Thus, it is quite hard for me to trust him.

    we managed to survive up to 2 years but yeah, he said he wants to free and have the fun. Party with friends, getting drunk and focus on his study. So instead of letting him go, I become this clingy ex-gf that keep on begging for another chance. And ever since then, i have been chasing, begging and pleading him around for 1 year. Pathetic, I know. He asked me to stay for another one year, but do not force him into any relationship as he is not ready to commit. I agreed with that, until, one day, i found out he’s getting closer with this one girl from his class. And posted a picture of them on FB. I was so pissed off and I confronted him about that girl. He told me that they’re only friends. He even said that the girl still in love with someone.

    And last week, we had a fight because he’s ignoring my texts claiming that he’s been busy with classes. He finally asked me to move on, and said that he’s starting to like that girl he’s been hanging out with. He said that I will never change and forever will be the same controlling girl. I don’t know what should I do. I love him and want him back. But when he’s ignoring me, it is hard for me to trust him.

    P/S: I do know that the girl he’s friend with doesn’t feel anything for my ex as she’s still in love with her ex. Is my ex making up an excuse so that I stop bugging him? What should i do? apply the no contact rule but still hoping for the best? I just want him back :\

  68. James Nelmondo says

    Hey Numb,

    It looks like the only way he’s ever going to really know what life without you is like, is when he stops taking your attention for granted. As tough as it is, and as illogical as it seems, your best bet is giving him some space.

    On the one side attempting to draw a box around his freedom in an effort to curb insecurity will only ever catalyze the need to explore. And on the other, perhaps more importantly, it will give him the chance to miss you (and for you to begin to detox — in essence balancing out the emotional scales).

    This doesn’t always mean applying no contact. You could instead (if cutting off entirely is too painful) opt for limited contact. The important thing here is to change the tone and quality of the messages from the negative (control, jealousy, resentment) to a more positive one (in order to rekindle attraction and friendship). If you feel that reaching out is too difficult, and suffocating a sheen of insecurity is too draining, then opt for no contact. Or contact will undoubtedly backfire.

    Don’t worry about the immediate present, if reconciliation is possible time should work in your favor. As your case quite clearly shows, familiarity often breeds a measure of contempt. Give him the chance to miss you.

  69. Numb says

    Thank you for the wise advice. I know that I can’t apply the no contact rule, as it’ll be hard for me to do so. I will try to stop constantly sending him texts and give him the space that he wants. Thank you again. You’re a savior.

  70. keke says

    Me and my boyfriend were togehter for 2 years and 6 months. We always had issues with his friends and family. Then on top of that we had our own little arguements. We got into a fight and he tild me that he needed space and not to contact him unless it was an emgerency. He went out of town and while he was gone I randomly talked to him and he said to me “don’t you think we should be friends” and that was not an option. Everytime we argue he wants to break up, so I didn’t think this was serious. It has been little over a month now and I’m always the one calling. He will stay on the phone with me for an hour or more and when I talk about things we use to do together he always says that I didn’t like it but I was did so I sont know what makes him say that. I asked him how he would feel if I started dating guys and he said he doesn’t know then the next week it was I dumped you so why would I care. I asked him is he still in love with me and he says no and I said since when because he has never said this. He said it happened over time and I was like when? The week before we broke up he bought me a spa package then asked me the week before we broke up when I wanted to get married and how would I want him to do it, and he started planning what we had to do before we got engaged career wise. Then we argued and he said he couldn’t take this the rest of his life I asked him to talk to me and when he got back from out of town he already had his mind made up. He told me that his mom said he was making a mistake nand all of his friends want us to get back to gether. Then I ask his so your done with me and he says he doesn’t know about the future, but right now he’s not ready. Is he just mad? Do you think we will get back together? I’m so confused

  71. James Nelmondo says

    Hey Keke,

    It sounds like though he may care for you, his romantic intentions may be waning slightly. Which is entirely natural at this stage of a relationship. Once attraction shifts into attachment, these kinds of hiccups can happen. This shift can make or break many long-term relationships, but I wouldn’t take it as a sign he does not care.

    I would give him a little room to figure out how he feels about life without you. As I usually suggest, I would you to give him a chance to miss you — only once he has had the time to stop taking your attention and affection for granted will he be able to give you a consistent answer regarding the chances of reconciliation.

    Stay strong and best of luck!

  72. keke says

    He said that he doesn’t think we are compatible at times. His mom said that he would regret it and that I was all he talks about. One minute he’s stern the next he’s sweet its confusing. He said their was too much drama (his friends), that I nagged, complained, and he felt like I was controling and bossy. My ex would wear dirty shirts and I would joke with him and pick a clean one out. He would be slow about getting back in school so Iwould help him. He said he was sick I would ask him what he needed and I use to cook and when he was stressed I would always try to encourage him, buthe said I stressed him out too. The week before he talked about when I wanted to get married and started planning what we needed to finish as a couple and he talked about going out of the country for the holidays. I knew we had some problems but I thought we would eventually address them. I told him lets talk and work it out but he said I’m mean to him and catch attitudes and I can’t change over night. I told him me having wants and needs and him not taking them seriously made me impatient and upset. And his friends and family were always in our biz and that bothered me too. I don’t know what to do I’m usually yht one always calling and he says he starts to call but he remembers we are broken up and doesn’t. I don’t know how he feels because he flips flops every week we talk. When I asked him was he still in love with me and he said no and was trying to be stern I decided I wouldn’t contact him anymore. The friday before we broke up he told me he doesn’t know what he would do without me and he never asked for his apartment key back but I gave it to him.

  73. kate says

    I would really appreciate your advice as I’m so confused and hurt right now.
    My boyfriend and I broke up recently after a 7 year relationship. The split was completely amicable- things hadn’t been working properly for a long time as we had a continuous power struggle and couldn’t compromise or resolve problems over minor things. But most of the time we got on great and had a real affection, closeness and deep trust with each other (that never went away). Our sex life did suffer though due to resentment issues at our inability to compromise. He moved out over a month ago – it was more or less instigated by me to change the living circumstances but there was no resistance from him. For the first couple of weeks I was ok. I was quite busy and although I felt sad, I was coping. We did talk regularly and meet over this time.

    Its since emerged that I was numb and not dealing with it – the whole thing has recently hit me like a ton of bricks. Up until the break up, we had seen each other nearly every day for seven years and we both worked from home a lot so we spent way more time together than most couples do. After those initial two weeks (which felt like breathing space) I really started to miss him. Things have been dreadful the last fortnight- I don’t have any work right now and I’m spending most of the time in the flat we lived together in for three years with all our memories. I miss him so much, it actually physically hurts me and I’ve come round to thinking we made an awful mistake. We needed a break from each other (time apart) but we didn’t need to go to this extreme. it literally feels like I’ve cut off a limb.

    I have spent hours on the phone to him, hours talking over our problems – offering solutions, a way forward. For the first time in a long time we have been able to speak properly without our childish bickering (one of the reasons we broke up is because we ended up in a pattern of arguing that became about who ‘won’ as opposed to working things out). Even after a 4 hour conversation about our problems on the phone, he said he was confused but his gut feeling was that we’d done the right thing breaking up but he needed time to clear his head. I said that if this was the case then I need to start to close the door on the relationship and begin moving on. So he backtracked and said he might feel differently once he’d had some time but needed to try and get perspective. Then in the next breath he said he didn’t want to give me false hope.

    I know though that he hasn’t had a chance to miss me. He’s even been over to the flat, watched films with me and gone out to dinner with me. He is nothing but affectionate and he know he is still attracted to me, so that hasn’t disappeared. But its like he’s given up. I didn’t call him yesterday and he ended up calling me on his own accord eventually saying that he felt low and sad and that this whole thing seems silly. But then he ended the conversation quite abruptly and i think he was annoyed with himself for calling. So it took less then 24 hours of me not contacting him for him to start feeling a little bit of pain.

    Objectively speaking you might advise me to start giving up on this but I know he’s not living with the reality of it just yet, he is shut down. Whereas I am at home, thinking how did things go this wrong? We have travelled the world together, we have 100% trust for each other. Honestly I have never had such a solid relationship. My main problem when we split was the power struggle and resentment that I had to motivate everything (going on holiday, cleaning up, making plans). He felt like a passenger a lot of the time. Also he point blankly refused to go to couples therapy. I asked him for at least a year to consider going just once and it was a flat out no.

    I want him to fight for me. He hasn’t. But I know him, I know if I break contact for a while he will really miss me – and then he might reconsider. He will only ever spring into action with the sh*t really hits the fan, this is consistent across his life. I just worry that once I start closing this door, it will be closed for good. I said that to him and he said that’s a risk he’s prepared to take. It really hurts. I can’t try any harder, I feel I will lose my self respect.

    What do you advise? I know i need to break contact for a while but it’s so so hard for me right now. thank you for reading and sorry its so long

  74. James Nelmondo says

    It sounds like while you seem to know what you want, he certainly doesn’t. It’s probable that the way he feels about you, the relationship, and his romantic future is changing on a daily basis. In situations like these it becomes very difficult to understand what his underlying intentions are, because he may not know himself.

    It also sounds like he feels a little suffocated, by taking a step back you may also correct this imbalance by not being taken for granted. There are no magic bullets in situations such as these, the only thing I think you can safely achieve is giving him, and yourself, sufficient distance for emotional clarity to be reached. Perhaps then decisions can be made regarding your future, minus the insecurity which seems to be presently tearing it apart.

  75. James Nelmondo says

    Hey Kate,

    You’re right, while I do tend to underline the value of time apart, I would also add that in this case it seems doubly important because there seem to be two distinct sources of pain. On the one side you have genuine caring and affection and on the other the pain of shattering a routine cemented over the course of seven years.

    Regardless, I get the impression that there is, as you say, a power struggle going on. And that pride or guilt may be playing a part in the proceedings. Clearly…

    “I said that to him and he said that’s a risk he’s prepared to take. It really hurts.”

    Seems quite a resentful thing to say. Particularly when paired with the fact that he does initiates contact when you fail to. It doesn’t add up. Personally, it still sounds to me like there is a game being played here — at least on his part — but probably subconsciously by both (no offense, and of course I could be completely wrong).

    I still feel like — especially coming off of the tail end of a seven year relationship — this situation is typical of the reshuffling of egos that immediately proceeds a breakup. In short, early days. Early days that are naturally maddened by a potential denial of what is, anger of what was lost, and fear of what will be. I do think that both of your actions convey this (albeit in strikingly different ways), and that you are both essentially in the same boat.

    I don’t have any advise per se (I don’t think there is anything I can say that you are not already acutely aware of), I think that time will bring it’s own counsel. It is natural for confusion and pain to reign after the close of such an important relationship. Eventually it will subside to the point where honest (and occasionally brutal) communication will be able to slice through the emotional smokescreens. But I would slow the whole process down and begin to shore up my own self-esteem and begin to slowly extinguish any traces of emotional co-dependence. It will need to happen whether reconciliation takes place or not.

  76. kate says

    Thank you so much for your response, I really appreciate it. I have spent hours reading your content since stumbling over your site this morning and its brought me a huge amount of comfort on a very dark day ? thank you.

    “I said that to him and he said that’s a risk he’s prepared to take. It really hurts.”

    You’re right this was resentful but I don’t think he was trying to hurt me. To give you a bit of context – I was trying to get him to reject me prior to him saying this in some kind of desperate attempt for closure and he point blankly refused and said he saw straight through it. He said he would never reject me and that I’m “the most important thing in his life.” I replied “then why won’t you fight for us and work on our problems?” and his response was that “it’s not that he doesn’t want me” – he “doesn’t want the relationship any more.” I responded saying I needed to start closing the door then and if I do this I might not be able to go back. That’s when he said it was a risk he was prepared to take.

    You’re right that it’s a power struggle and probably a subconscious game of emotional roulette too. I am fairly stubborn but I will back down and I will admit when I’m wrong or out of order. He too is stubborn but also has a huge amount of pride and won’t back down full stop (or very very rarely). He is also the kindest, most selfless and generous person I’ve ever met so it’s an infuriating combination. It’s very difficult for him to admit he’s wrong and I fear that this is what this is about. His friends and family have all been saying to him that this is a mistake and we should get back together (he’s told me that they’ve said this). He said he was fed up of hearing it and it makes it harder to hear it from me too. It’s like he doesn’t want to prove everyone right by having regret over the situation. I think that was why he was annoyed at himself for calling me yesterday. Almost the first thing he said was “I am a weak human being” – which implies he had been trying not to call me all day. I don’t honestly believe he wants to let go of this deep down but he thinks he should as the relationship was not improving (mainly because he kept burying his head and wouldn’t help sort it out). I am 30 and he’s 37 and part of our reason for splitting was that we were worried we’d end up having a family and then separating due to our inability to resolve issues.

    The power struggle is so big that it’s difficult to identify who is the dumper or the dumpee. To begin with I was probably the dumper because it was me that kickstarted it (though he readily agreed to it) and now the roles have reversed. Right now he thinks he can come back at any time. My gut feeling is that if I do ‘no contact’, the roles will reverse back again. I feel he is causing me some real damage here and if we did reconcile I’m worried this is a recipe for more resentment. I know it will take him weeks or maybe months to realise what he’s lost and to act on it. But I worry it will be too late, I have to give up on him try and move on for my own self worth. I didn’t realise how emotionally dependent I was on him until this happened, its something I need to rectify as I feel like my whole world has crashed down without him. When I met him I was very independent and I don’t recognise myself now.

    I haven’t heard from him at all today – I suspect he will try and call me tomorrow. Do you think I should answer? I am not one to play games but part of me thinks that if I’m constantly here when he needs me, he’s not going to get the clarity he needs. I was thinking about not answering and then emailing him to say I’m starting to move on and we need a week or two without contact but don’t know if that’s right either.

    So sorry that this is another ridiculously long emotional rant- I am so grateful for your time.

  77. Wendy says

    Hi The Unknown,
    Despite him not wanting to maintain all sorts of contact except official work-related ones, he has been promptly replying sporadic private messages from me. I don’t really care what he thinks of me – all I want now is just to get answers from him and get closure and move on with life. He was initially angry at me trying to restart discussions on the same topics over and over again and refused to discuss our relationship/breakup any further, but relented when I told him he would do it for me if he really felt for me and it would helped me move on. He then changed his attitude and said that I could ask him as many questions as I want to and was very patient while replying. Knowing that he’s there as and when I need answers made me feel much better and more emotionally balanced.
    I don’t understand, why do men or dumpers think that everyone can pretend nothing has happened and go back to whatever relationship we have had prior to getting together, without really addressing the hurt and pain on the dumpee’s end.
    He explained he liked me very much and that, coupled with physical intimacy, it grew into something more. It got too complicated for him, and so he had to call it quits. What does he mean by “it grew into something more”? I don’t think he meant love. Is this a guy’s language?
    When we chatted a few days ago, it still felt the same as before we broke up. I think us talking about the relationship reminded him of the feelings he felt for me. I enjoy talking to him and still admire him very much as a colleague but I no longer harbor hopes of reconciliation.
    I’m pursuing this because I would very much like to close this chapter on a good note and still be able to think well of him to maintain a cordial work relationship rather than to feel sad and angry and go on a hate campaign against him at work. I still feel very much for him but I accept that the breakup and i’d rather keep my feelings to myself and let it dissipate away slowly. I’m also worried that us getting too close will make him want to run away and cut off all contact for good.
    What should I do now?

  78. keke says

    Thank you… that I was I decided to do. Its been a week and I haven’t talk to him. If I end up just moving on it is, its already been more then a month. I know I’m a good woman and I have all the attributes a man that is “ready” would want. Everyone just says to look as it as a blessing and maybe he saved your life.

  79. James Nelmondo says

    No worries!

    It does sound like pride is an issue. While many have to deal with an openly angry, bitter or resentful ex, your ex does not sound like someone who channels stress via confrontation, and so is left to haggle with what is perhaps a tattered sense of dignity.

    Even though breakup emotions are rarely reasonable (for instance, while the issue of who broke up with who — especially in this case — is essentially moot, it may be very important at an egotistic level), it doesn’t stop them being painful. But the thing is, you can’t express these feelings openly, because despite their importance, they come across as vain and fragile when observed logically. And can paint, as your ex puts it, a superficially “silly” picture (despite it not being silly at all).

    The result? Well — this. In most cases. There is too much on the line to communicate properly, because opening up might mean further hurt. Of course, he may very well genuinely not wish to reconcile, this has to be contoured and digested also.

  80. James Nelmondo says

    I don’t believe in closure, because in the long-run I sincerely believe that every question you might ask will only ever prompt new ones — and increase the ties of emotional co-dependence. To me, closure is self-imposed discipline. It is a way of surrendering to a loss, without attempting to tie loose ends. To accept that not everything comes full circle. To accept that there will always be questions.

    Secondly, regarding the question you posed about his acting as if nothing had ever happened. I think you touched on the answer yourself:

    i’d rather keep my feelings to myself and let it dissipate away slowly

    I know how painful it can be when an ex squares their shoulders and looks away, but it is never an indication that that is what they think of you, and that they no longer falter at the thought of moving on. It the wall that separates hurt from the rest of the world. And the general rule of thumb is that the greater the hurt, the sturdier the wall. Most of the time indifference is the opposite of what we think it is. It is merely a saftey mechanism.

    P.S I read the “growing into someting more” part as a way of saying that he never intended to fall in love, but felt that he was losing control and so backed off before he felt prey to insecurity. Cold feet, in other words.

  81. James Nelmondo says

    I believe that too. Trauma is usually a blessing, because it forces us to be strong and start again. Giving us the stength to change aspects of our lives that are detrimental or superflous. Without being slapped in the face by life, we would probably never had the drive to do so.

  82. Wendy says

    Thank you for all your valuable advice… I really, really appreciate it and ur website has been most useful.

  83. kate says

    Thank you for your quick response. You’re right that he doesn’t channel stress via confrontation, he hates confrontation and will avoid it – he usually stonewalls or shuts down instead.

    I take your point on that he may not genuinely wish to reconcile – this appears to be the case right now but as I said, I suspect it will change and I have uncertainty about how truly genuine it is. I think his decision is clouded by stubbornness, battered pride and probably a feeling of helplessness.

    I am stuck in a limbo land of uncertainty, waiting for him to finally process his feelings so he can get clarity on whether he really wants to say goodbye to this. He’s made it clear to me that if I go on a date or throw myself back out there that “it really is the end”. Not that I am in a frame of mind to do that anyway but it’s not very fair I suppose because I think he wants to know that I’m where he left me in case he wants to come back. So I am torn between:

    1. Continuing with transparency about my feelings and speaking to him when he calls, but as a result still offering him the safety blanket of my presence and support (which means he has the best of both worlds and will fail to provoke any action from him) OR
    2. Ripping off the plaster, shutting down contact properly for the short term (in a respectful and gentle way) and leaving him to his own devices.

    Option 2 is probably the right thing to do but if he does cave in and call me today, it will be at a low point for him and a good opportunity to listen to how he’s feeling to try and gauge the situation rather than prolonging my misery in not knowing. I suspect it won’t take him very long of not talking to me to start feeling some regret about the situation. On the other hand, he might not be quite there yet and by answering the phone I would just be hindering mine and his need for clarity.

    I know your advice is purely objective but what would you suggest? Thank you again for your help

  84. James Nelmondo says

    I usually opt for option 2, I prefer the clean cut. While painful at least I’m not living in a state of constant anxiety, but in a state of self-afflicted absolutism, and more importantly on my terms. Objectively speaking, I think that taking action, even if it is redrawing the boundaries with our own hearts in pole position, is immensely beneficial to healing because it reminds us that we have control over our feelings and lives. Something which, as I’m sure you’re feeling right now, can be lost under an avalanche of co-dependence.

    There is a vicious cycle here. The more we push for emotional validation in order to seek closure (one way or the other) the more we reinforce it. It may hurt like hell, but I do amputate contact in order to free myself of this dependency. Of course, this is far easier said than done — and is absolutely not a strategy that works for everyone. In fact, pride and guilt may exacerbate distance rather than catalyze reconciliation.

    That’s my subjective take — for what its worth. It has definitely helped me move on swiftly, but it isn’t always a breadwinner with regards to reconciliation. But torn between an enduring nightmare that may or may never pan out, and the guarantee that once I’ve fought my inner demons I’ll rejoice once more in my self-sufficiency. I know what I’m going to take!

  85. kate says

    So here I am again! i thought I’d give you an update as to how things have panned out recently. I took your advice and cut off contact after my last comment, but I told him this on the phone in a gentle way (he called me). His reaction was completely nonchalant – “oh ok I completely respect that. I personally don’t need to spend time apart as I can just ease out of it, but if that’s what you want, that’s cool.” He kept going on about how he can just “ease out” – which I actually found quite hurtful. That evening I was so upset I ended up texting him and saying how much his indifference hurt me. This ended up being a long chain of texts between us in which he reassured me that he was only acting that way because he thought I was acting indifferent. Again his/my pride gets in the way.

    Since then a week has passed, I have not contacted him nor him me. I was not expecting him to break the no contact but then I received a text this morning. “Hello. Hope everything’s going well x” I responded to this saying I was ok etc and hope he is too.

    I have had a nightmare of a week – i miss him ridiculous amounts. can’t believe how much this whole thing hurts. But I do feel a little less dependent on him emotionally already. I think this is actually good for me even though it feels like i’m ripping my heart out my chest. It’s forcing me to reconsider a lot of things about myself. I have no idea if it’s doing the same for him.

    I thought I might do another week of no contact and then perhaps suggest meeting him for a coffee. I’m pretty sure he would agree to this readily. If I get the sense when I meet him that he doesn’t want to give it another go, I’d rather go through that pain sooner rather than later than have false hope. I worry if I do NC for longer than two weeks it will only put too much distance between us. As always, your thoughts on this would be much appreciated! thanks :)

  86. James Nelmondo says

    Hey Kate,

    I think you’re on the right track here. And I agree, as ridiculous as it sounds, the pain is — dare I say it — a necessary symptom, because it signifies that you are actively processing insecurity. If there was no doubt, if there was no healing, there would be no pain. Every pang can seem like a drop in a bucket, but the number of drops that fill the bucket (even if it is a very large one — which it usually is) is finite. There is only so much processing to be done, before it becomes redundant.

    I also agree that going completely cold-turkey may be a bad idea. There’s a thin red line between finding yourself and alienating your S.O. If reconciliation ever happens it will be based on tentative compromise. However, time seems to be working in your favor, and I agree with giving it a little more! All in all it sounds like you’re striking a good (if poignantly painful) balance.

  87. kate says

    Hello… me again. Just thought I’d give you another update seeing as quite a bit of time has passed.

    I managed to go a week and a half of no contact before speaking to him for four hours on the phone one night (contact initiated by me). We worked through a lot of stuff – interestingly it was him that brought up all the relationship problems and we talked at great length about where things went wrong. It was a good conversation – we probably resolved more in that time that we have in 7 years of being together. After that we didn’t speak for another week and a half, until today when i initiated contact. We chatted about every day stuff- it felt slightly awkward. It worries me that this time apart is creating emotional distance.

    I was asked out on a date by a random guy on the street the other day – I am not going to go ( I’m far from ready for that stuff) but the prospect of seeing other people has sparked an interest I suppose. But the gut feeling is to be alone right now – i feel i am at the beginning of starting to find myself again. I do miss him a lot, not as painfully or desperately as before though. It does worry me that the limited contact is unravelling our close bond a little. It may be different when I see him (early next week) – my feelings seem to be yo-yo-ing up and down. No idea how he is feeling, it’s very difficult to tell right now!

  88. James Nelmondo says

    Hey Kate,

    I know what you mean about sensing the connection slowly slipping away, it can be alarming. Also telling is that both conversations were initiated by you. Regardless though, he has his own soul-searching to do (if hes willing to talk about the past, then he isn’t quite as over it as he may posture) and there’s no point fretting over where it is all taking him (you get to see him — and body language will tell you more than words ever will).

    Being romantically curious, and being ready to date is more of a personal decision than a dependence on an emotional state in my opinion. Obviously, looking for a rebound to replace lost affection is a universally bad idea (for all involved). The hard part coming out of a long-term relationship is forgetting that getting to know new “potentials” is not diving head first into a relationship. It’s normal to be intimidated because you’re still used to commitment.

    Instead, I’d personally just focus on enjoying the moment, grabbing a coffee and just building some history. Commitment and the rest of it will come naturally, or it won’t! Either way, it was fun, and you were in control. If, on the other hand, you catch yourself comparing every little gesture and attribute to your ex, then it probably isn’t time. But I’d go for it anyway, there’s only one way to know :)

  89. Kate says

    Hi – another update! Thanks again for all your help so far – this is such a great site. :)
    So I met up with him on Monday and we ended up spending two days together, it was really nice. He was incredibly affectionate and very sweet to me. We had another good chat and we resolved a lot of things, he has said that he will consider going to counselling. This is a major breakthrough considering he has refused for several years. I suggested that he goes on his own initially to work through his issues (i am also seeing a therapist) and perhaps later we can go together. He has made it clear that he wants to look at where he went wrong in the relationship and work on those issues.

    I think he likes the fact that I am getting on with my life. I’ve said to him that I don’t know if we should get back together and if we do it could be 2 months, 6 months, 1 years away – who knows. But if we do, it has to be a new relationship – not the old one. It would be so easy to jump back in (and very tempting too) but I know instinctively that this is wrong and counter productive – and I think he feels the same. Limited contact with the occasional date every week or two feels the most healthy thing to do, what do you think?

  90. James Nelmondo says

    I agree with giving it the time it needs. Should reconciliation occur, it will occur naturally. The timing should never be stressed. Placing the solidity of a new relationship, building a new history and enjoying each others’ presence is far more effective than simply catering to insecurity and getting back together out of a need for control.

    The fact that he is acting on his desires rather than just talking his way into your better graces is a fantastic sign! Should he act on this I’d say things are looking very rosy indeed.

    As you mentioned, reconciliation realistically occurs when you both begin to become secure as individuals. Moving on is ironically a great stepping stone to reconciliation. Without the fear of abandonment, and emotional whirlwinds threatening everything, you can address real issues without the risk of resentment and emotional masquerades. And it seems to be the case here. Nice!

  91. keke says

    My ex boyfriend says that he is not ready to see me… what does that mean? Are we over? He saw my brother the other day and said how it was crazy that we didn’t work out and my brother said that it is crazy how two people could be together for 3 years and can not sit down and talk about their differences. He then said that he had the same argument each week for three years. My brother told him not to make the mistake of leaving me for months and think I’m gonna take him back. He was like that we all hatr him and my bro was like no one hates you, she doesn’t even talk about you. Then he said maybe in the future. What should I do… I’m still wanting to date I will not wait but do you think we will work it out? If I call or text him he answers and we talk or he texts me back… but he never calls or texts me first.

  92. keke says

    I asked him beforr he saw my brother did he want to meet up and he was like when? Then I said fri or sun and he said he wiould let me know on that weds and when I text him he said he wasn’t ready to see me. I told him I willnt call you or text you anymore because obviously you don’t want that. He said ok, but I’m just not ready to see you. I told him that I don’t care anymore I don’t deserve this. The next week was his birthday. I texted him and he said thanks. After what I said I disnt want him to think I hated him, but that I was going to leave him alone. I still want to reconcil but do you think he wants to too?

  93. James Nelmondo says

    Hi Keke,

    It’s difficult to tell what his intentions are. However, he said he wasn’t ready, not that he didn’t want to. This usually implies the opposite of what it can sound like. That his emotions are still a little too raw (not that he doesn’t care), and he wants things to cool off a little. He might also be a little fearful of his own feelings.

    The fact that he does not initiate may simply be a sign he wants to slow things down, but there are no guarantees that he will want to reconcile. My opinion is that he does have feelings, but he may want to give things time so he can settle down emotionally.

    Do I think he wants to reconcile? Probably. Which is why he’s sceptical of being hurt.

  94. keke says

    Everytime I have talked to him he says something different. He asked me if he asked me two marry him in two years will I say yes… I told him I don’t know if I will be around. He says he hasn’t started dating and he asked me and neither have I. My brother said that he looks likr he has a lot on his mind, but thinks he still cares becuase no guy brings up a relationship. He told me to stop calling and texting him, that he will come around. We were like best friends when we were together. Despite the dumb arguments, I think me telling him that he hasn’t been respecting as his gf like a man should really sent him over board. I know as a woman I have to let a man be a man, but I feel a lot of times I have to take the lead for things to get done. I’m moving on, but I do not want to hurt him by doing that, although he has said don’t wait on him, I don’t think he really means that, but for my own sanity I try to keep the door open a lil, but he is taking a chance.

  95. keke says

    It has almost been 3 months since I have seen him. I still think about him but, the need to call right now like I use to is not serious.

  96. keke says

    And I told him I was going to relocate to another state and he said that if I did that I would be running away. I told him you broke up with me and I’m running away? ?

  97. James Nelmondo says

    It can seem like he doesn’t want to talk, but not being ready usually implies the opposite. That his feelings are too strong, his emotions are too strong, and not in existent.

  98. keke says

    What do you suggest I do? Calling him and talking just makes me said because I want to see him, but even though I willnt just pop up at his house. It had been more then two weeks since the last time week talked. If a guy says he is sensitive and that I am bossy and aggressive. Then is calling him making it worse? We still flirt when we talk, but I’m not use to this person. It feels like a total shut down. When he says we may get back together in the future, seems too far away. I want him to know I still care.

  99. James Nelmondo says

    Personally, I’d send him an email / text telling him to contact you when he is ready to talk. That way he knows he is welcome to contact you and it removes any trace of ou being perceived as arrogant or bossy.

  100. keke says

    I texted him like you said and asked him how he is doing and that when he is ready to talk he can call me and he said ok… how about u? I will… so hopefullt he does.

    Thanks for the advice, by the way! Guys are so difficult and never really say how they feel. It is really great that u try to give insight and its very real and positive!

  101. Kissa says

    Hello, guys! Just call me Kissa, from philippines, 22 years old and I have a Korean Boyfriend, He is 29 years old and that’s his korean age. He is my 3rd boyfriend now. Actually, we met in the office wherein I teach English to Korean students, he is my manager, everybody likes him, they love him and he’s like a korean actor wherein they want to take a photo of him. I had a crush on him the first time we met, that was June 2013. He’s very interesting and very mysterious. We don’t talk a lot in the office since I am very shy. I always get jealous every time he gave compliments to my office workers. Moving on…I file a 2months leave since i noticed that I fell in love with him very hard. i easily get jealous and I am craving for his attention and I wanted to move on and stopped that feeling because I also have a 2 years relationship with my boyfriend at that time who is a filipino.. It’s the 2nd week of my leave and we kept on texting (korean manager), I text him first and and say my Hi and hello etc.. and we met and he confessed that he likes me.. I was so happy like I can’t believe it. All my office workers like him and they had a crush on him and now he told me he likes me. At that night, he kissed me and he said I’m his Girlfriend now and he’s also now my boyfriend. so I broke up with my filipino boyfriend because I want to grab the chance to have a relationship with him. I do love him so much.

    last october 12, we had diner with my parents, I introduced him and I am so proud of him. My family they can see how happy am I with my boyfriend. The next day which was sunday, I went to his place and we talked and suddenly we had misunderstanding. i didnt talk to him and I walked out. I didnt talk to him because I dont want to utter bad words because of disappointment (actually I am very emotional), he did the same he didnt talk it’s like we are in the same room but we didnt talk for an hour.. after 2 hours that I walked out, I texted him that i wanna spend the day with you but I didnt know what happened, I told him I wanna see you tonight but he replied that maybe next time, I need time now. so I texted him monday and tuesday but no reply.

    Wednesday october 16, he told me that we will meet outside, I aked him on skype since we chatted in skype at that time, I asked him “are we okay?” “can we still fix this?” he said that “I am afraid if we could still fix this” so I told him”just tell me the truth” he said “I am saying that I will be meeting you tonight to make up, not to break up” so I am happy and felt relieved. so we met at night, we went to the coffee shop and then he opened up about what happened last sunday where he had an argument. He said

    “it’s still not the right time.. actually I am officially breaking up with you…”

    I was so shocked like I cant think straight. I asked him why and he said I failed to get the job in the other place so I have no choice but to go back in Korea after 2 weeks. I told him we can still continue for the last 2 weeks and not give me this break up and want me to accept right away. he said it’s going to be hopeless and he doesnt want us to have a bad emotion before he will leave. He said we are still friends and I’m still here around. we can chat on FB and Kakao etc..

    so it’s been 5 days now and I am still; grieving because of what happned to us. I text him often that I want to meet him and want to have lunch and I’ll cook, he said we do it the other day, he needs to help the new manager.. But I texted him again that I am drinking right now, can you come? and he’s not replying anymore. I ask him also that if he did love me during the two weeks and he just need to be honest so I can move on and same, I didnt received any reply.

    I am so hurt like I dont know what to do. he’s leaving on Nov 1st. It’s ok with me if he needs to go back to korea, I will understand, but having LDR is not enough reason to break up a relationship. I’ve been good. i did the groceries stuff once, I cook food for him, I follwed his rules just not to be so clingy.

    what have I done wrong? and how can I fix myself on this? I wanna see him and talk to him but it seems he doesnt want to. he’s working Monday – Fri from 11am – 7:30 pm.

    Please help me on this, and I have a question, did he ever love me?

    thanks in advance..

  102. James Nelmondo says

    Hello Kissa, sorry for the late reply, I’ve been a little busy lately!

    It sounds like this entire ordeal was a little rushed to me, call me old fashioned. The breakup seems impulsive on his end, using a single isolated non-event in order to create distance. Which says, to me, that it was merely an excuse, and not the real reason for the breakup.

    If he genuinely does love you, five days is far too early to tell where it all goes from here. Feelings will not simply appear to vanish overnight, unless of course they did — in which case it wasn’t deep-rooted love, but more likely a case of infatuation. This isn’t about what you’ve done wrong, it highly doubt it’s in your control at all. Attempting to find reasons why it all went wrong is always self-inflicted torture, and will slow down your healing if no chance at reconciliation emerges. The fact that he wishes to end it on “good emotions” does show that he does not resent you.

    Long distance relationships aren’t for everyone, I know that personally at least, I steer clear of them — and they can (to me) represent a valid reason for breaking up. However, as brutal as it sounds, it really does sound like a case of infatuation to me rather than love.

    Again, it’s a little early to tell where it all goes from here. It seems clear that he wants a little space, and will enforce it if necessary. The good thing about all this is that should you respect this silence, your sudden change in behavior (from one of bargaining and tying loose ends to one of acceptance) may be enough to make him curious, and subsequently miss you.

  103. Jonna says

    Thank you so much for this article! Reading it, and all the comments and answers has really helped me.

    I’d like to share my own breakup story. My boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago. We had been in a relationship for almost a year. 6 months in his country and 5 in long distance. And we live on the other sides of the world.

    Our relationship had always been happy and we we never had any major problems, apart from him being busy. My boyfriend comes from a country where job and career are valued over anything else. So he broke up with me and said he’s too busy for dating right now and he feels bad for keeping me waiting for him. Before that he had been really stressed over his job for a couple of weeks. Technically, I was dumped, but in the end the breakup was mutual because I agreed with him.

    But I’m supposed to visit his country in a month, and I’ve already bought rather expensive non-refundable plane tickets. A week after the breakup I texted him that I don’t want to get back together, but it would be nice to see each other in his country since it’s the last chance we’ll ever have at meeting. He read my message but didn’t answer. I send a couple of more messages along the same lines that went unanswered too. And then I simply texted him that that I’m over the breakup already but I don’t want to throw a great guy out of my life just because our relationship didn’t work out, and that I hope he can think the same way some day.

    Now, I’m going to give him time. But I really don’t understand his reason for ignoring me. Our breakup was really peaceful and it wasn’t because of any personal reason, but because he’s busy and because of the distance. Is he still so hurt about the break up, even though he was the one who dumped me, that he can’t talk to me, or has he completely forgotten about me already? He hasn’t deleted or blocked me on anything.

    He was always really mature and emotionally stable, and I was the childish one, so it’s weird to have him acting like this. I truly don’t want to get back together, because I realized that we have no future together and his career will always be more important than me. But I’d like to stay in civil terms with him and meet for a cup of coffee. Should I text him when I go to his country? Or should I give up and think that he’ll never stop ignoring me.

    Thank you in advance! :)

  104. James Nelmondo says

    Hey Jonna,

    So the last you heard of him was this mea-culpa regarding keeping you waiting and that his job was on over-arching priority?

    Not sure that I buy this silence as a self-imposed no contact to “get over it”. He would have very probably blocked you from all social media if that was the case.

    But then again, I don’t really see why it makes any sense otherwise. Unless there was an edge of desperation on your end after the breakup, which caused him to not want to deal it all. Needless to say, it sounds far from the case. And you are dealing with it — dare I say it — remarkably well (better than I would I assure you).

    You’ve been warned, I would be a little more flustered than you. And frankly, the thought of my partner’s job being of greater importance than me makes me a little weak in the knees, so the window for being post-breakup pals would be a very small one.

    I would tell him that you are passing by, but without appending any open ended questions that might accentuate his careering away. And leave it at that.

    If he wants to retain your friendship, you have given him the chance to. But he will have to care enough to act on it himself. You deserve at least that amount of clarity!

  105. Jonna says

    Thank you for your answer!

    When he broke up with me on skype, he sounded really distressed. He was telling me that he doesn’t have a life right now and he only has time to sleep a couple of hours a night. He said he doesn’t want to make me or himself feel bad when I visit his country and he doesn’t have time for me. I asked him could we talk about this later on skype face to face, because I couldn’t use my camera at the time, and he agreed.

    The following days I was texting him and trying to reason with him, saying that I’m coming to his country anyway so can’t we break up when I’m there, but he kept repeating that he can’t do this anymore, he can’t do this. In the end, he couldn’t talk to me face to face and just send me a really long letter telling how I have been great as always but he doesn’t deserve a relationship right now. I answered that I understand and he has been a good boyfriend and shouldn’t feel bad. That’s the last time we talked.

    Haha, don’t give me too much credit. I completely broke down after the break up and was moping for over a week. But I realized there’s nothing else to do than to gather myself and move on. Also, his work being more important than me hit me hard, but I kinda understand him. His career is really taking off right now and what he’s doing has been his passion since he was a child.

    But I still don’t understand why he has to ignore me. Like I told you, he has always been really level-head and easy-going, and our break up was mutual and we parted in good terms. If he’s over me, but doesn’t want to meet, he could easily tell me that. My friend who’s friends with him on fb told me that he has been posting a lot lately. Last month, when he was busy, he wasn’t posting at all, but now he clearly has more time.

    Or maybe he’s not over me, and me telling him I’m over him and don’t want to get back together, is only making him feel worse. Either way, I’m going to give him time. That’s a good advice, just letting him know when I’m in town. You’re right, if he wants to be my friend or even in civil terms, he has to do something too.

  106. James Nelmondo says

    Yes, that does change my opinion somewhat. If the distress was palpable and genuine, which I always have a hard time assuming myself (call me paranoid), creating distance can be the natural side-effect of stress. If he is burdened by an onflux of change and newfound responsability, perhaps he’s just had an overload.

    Still, it doesn’t really change the cards on the table. And the job — in my mind — on partly explains the breakup. Why then didn’t he call a time out? One thing is juggling a shift in priorites, like you say, it is understandable that a life-long dream can temporarily drown out the relationship buzz. But nail the coffin shut entirely?

    Given the fact that you claim he isn’t notoriously immature and impulsive it’s all a little strange (especially the hide and seek). Ah well, tell always tells in the end, I suppose.

  107. Jonna says

    Relationships can be so difficult…

    I know he doesn’t own me anything. And he never has to answer me if he doesn’t want to. But him ignoring me is naturally making me feel sad. We don’t need to be best friends, I don’t even want that, but it would be nice that some day he could be able to talk to me.

    If I had hurt him in any way in the breakup, I would understand why he ignores me, but our last words to each other were only praises. Do there really exist people who will continue to ignore their ex until they die no matter how peaceful and mutual the breakup was? I shouldn’t disregard anybody’s choices, but I think that’s a bit childish and only show that the other person is still not over the breakup yet.

    Yeah, I can only give him more time. 3 weeks is not enough to completely get over a breakup. That time will be good for me too.
    But I still feel like texting him something before I go to his country. But I guess there’s nothing I can text that would wake him up from his nc stupor, and not make me seem like I’m desperate.

  108. Dancer says

    I absolutely love your article! I had been with my ex for almost 3 years. He broke up with me about 3 weeks ago. I started to notice that he no longer prioritized me the way he used to. I know that his career and family come first and I’d never want to compete with that but when it came to his friends its like he did whatever he could to please them. With his career it made us only see each other on saturdays. It was hard to adjust to because because prior to his career we would see each other everyday. But I supported him either way. I noticed that during the week he would hang out with his friends. Even sundays. It made me upset because he didn’t have time for me during the week but there he was spending time with his friends. I brought it up and he took it as me complaining and nagging. Every time we would argue he’d go silent treatment on me for days. I’ve always been one to try to make things right before going to bed angry but he changed into a person where he could go days without talking to me as if I did something so horrible. I tried to make him understand where I was coming from and he never took it into consideration. He would verbally and emotionally abuse me. Calling me names and belittling me. It was minor arguements that he turned into major fights. Not once did I ever curse him back. I bit my tongue. I don’t know if he lost interest in me. But he claims he loves me and doesn’t initiate contact. His friends hate me because he makes me out to seem like a “psycho” but I’m sure never tells what he calls me or even tells them what made me bring an issue up. Now he seems fine and dandy hanging out with his friends. I feel taken for granted. Like he thinks no matter what he says or does ill always be back.

  109. James Nelmondo says

    Hey Dancer, thanks for the compliments!

    Seems to be he is consciously manipulating your drive to seek emotional security (which we all have). But beyond all other considerations, it seems clear that whatever model of relationship you both have — it isn’t shared.

    I know what you mean regarding the silent treatment, but it can work to your advantage if you let it go on. Up to a certain point he will believe (rightly) that the longer separation goes on, the greater the doubt instilled in you. But should you allow it to continue, he may begin to second guess the nature of his own game being played, and potentially also begin to reconsider what you mean to him.

    Or perhaps not. And frankly, I’m not a huge fan of playing any games. And the idea of fighting fire with fire is enough to make me scratch that one out, unless I came to the realization that he simply could not have a relationships without manipulation. At which point I would give him the silent treatment right back — forever.

    Have you read this article on being taken for granted? It seems a little more apt for your situation!

  110. karrot says

    hi, i really like this article.
    sorry long story..
    the problem is if you have NC, then how will you know if they miss you or not? i deleted any online accounts so i wouldn’t have to see or get jealous of whatever he was doing because he automatically deleted photos of me the night he was unsure of breaking up with me too. i was with my ex for almost a year and a half. when he broke up with me he said he didn’t want to have a relationship with me or anyone to affect his day. (i was going through hard times and became negative and dragged him along, putting him down because i started having anger issues (and he was always so insecure), until he got tired with how i treated him.)

    he said he only wanted to focus on his work and school and hang out with friends because they actually make him feel good about himself and feel wanted. i understand about work and school, because we saw each other everyday and stopped focusing on our other priorities. but i felt like we could have negotiated time to see each other and i never held him back from being with friends. he even told me not to be jealous if he started hanging out with female friends, he only wants friendships. (he is not that type of person to be really open or flirt/ hook up either). i understood if he wanted to hang out with his guy friends like he use to, but i don’t get why he has to spend time with girls.

    the first two days i was begging him back and not accepting it. in person, i said if we ever had a chance again and he said “only time can tell”. he said we can be friends & he’d check up here and there and see what goes from there. he said it’s possible because he liked me for two years. but i told him it’s different now, because our feelings are stronger and we love each other. but he repeatedly said he doesn’t want a relationship.

    that night, i texted him if he loved me anymore or if he has any feelings left and all he texted was simple “no”. and “i don’t love anyone”
    and that’s when i began to ask more questions.he told me to let him live his life and not beg him back because he wasn’t going to take me back and if i can’t talk to him as a friend to never speak to him. i didn’t want to believe that he didn’t love me anymore. and obviously i pissed him off until he stopped replying.

    so now i am NC for almost 2 weeks, because i already pushed it too far. he was always the one who put more effort to the relationship than me and loved me, but now he says he doesn’t love me anymore. but at the same time he was insecure and always doubted me. i don’t know if he’s just saying it, or if he means it. he did make it clear he doesn’t want any relationships, but what if he tries to hangs out with girls he hardly knows as well? will he even miss me? first he gives me hope that maybe we could get back together some day, but then he says he doesn’t love me anymore, and I’m his first “everything” (even though he’s not my first). so i don’t get when he stopped or lost feelings or whatever.

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  112. Shelley Dustin says

    Me & my boyfriend was planning to get married last month, just last week we had some argument that made him get angry on me just because of the argument, he said we will not be married again and the next day he left me and we broke up. I still loved him and I wanted him to marry me, for me to get him back i had no choice than to contacted dr.marnish@ yahoo. com to help me and he helped me to bring my lover back to me so we can continue our plan to be married. he came back after 3 days
    Shelley Dustin
    Spain

  113. gabby says

    Love your insight into relationship. Need an advice. My exboyfriend had a mutual break up 2 months ago but I initiated the break up because he stopped communicating for two weeks. He agreed to the break up because he didn’t see the relationship change for the better despite the effort I made. Since the break up he has made no contact. I missed him and still love him so I initiated a text to ask how he is doing and suggest we talk to catch up. Got no response from him until 3 hours later texting that he is not ignoring me but had to go on a sudden trip abroad with his mom and communication is limited. Didn’t hear from him since then so two two weeks ago I texted him to invite him to a movie. He said he was unsure but will get back to me later. After waiting for a week with no response from him I texted him to follow up if he made a decision to go to the movies with me. He replied and said sorry for not responding earlier but would be interested in still going to the movies. Is my exboyfriend replying to my text and saying yes to the movies because he is just being polite? Or does he still have feelings for me? I want to restart the relationship but I don’t want to bring it up if he has no feelings for me. Please advice.

  114. kelly says

    Thankyou for the article, my ex boyfriend and i broke up over 5 months ago from a 1 year 6 month relationship. Reading all this made me realise that my ex misses me romantically and as a friend. Whenever we had communication in the first few months he would swear at me, and rub it in my face that he hooked up with another gi. At the time i was so upset but have now realised he was so hurt that he wanted me to suffer even tho he cared about me still. It has helped ease my mind that it wasnt purely out of evil intent and that the more emotions u show, show that you care. i miss the past and the gold times, but i wouldnt go back to being with him ever. He hurt me so badly and if ever we so see eachother i would be honest and tell him that he was very cruel to me. He was physically and verbally abusive. I know he feels pain about that already but thats what he brang on himself, life is karma

  115. jane says

    I know I am young I just found out that a week after we broke up he asked a lot of girls out I was wondering why he would do that? We have been in contact but most arguing with each other and I just found out that he “loves me” and “misses me” during the arguments he called me ‘ugly’ and a ‘bitch’. Reading your article made me realise that he misses me romantically. After the brake up he got jealous that I was friends with another guy. I don’t know what to believe my heart is saying go for it my head is saying don’t be stupid.

  116. Jennifer says

    Hi James, I am not sure if you are still active on this site, but was wondering if you could help me to figure out what my boyfriend may be thinking. I sincerely love him and would hope to reconcile in the future. Thank you! (I apologize that is long)

    I just went through a bad breakup about three weeks ago. My boyfriend of three years had moved with me in December to a remote northern community in the subarctic. Winter was hard, I worked too much, adjusting to living together for the first time was hard and we were definitely struggling to meet each other in the middle.

    We had a super fiery breakup where I was inebriated and totally lost control. Mean things were said, we even got a little physical. Very poor behaviour on my part and they ended up flying back to where we are from 5, 000km away. He didn’t even say goodbye when he left, but prior to that he said he would never speak to me again or be a part of his life. He was not open to talking to me during that period where he was packing.

    Fast forward a week from then and I called him to tell him I was sending his stuff back to him that he had left behind. At that point I apologized and said I hoped we could talk to each other sometime. He said “i need space” which I acknowledged. I texted him the following day to confirm his stuff had been shipped and wish him well. He thanked me and said the same.

    Then two days later he called me from a friend’s phone but I missed the call. When i dialed the number I recognized his friend’s voice and he was rude to me and hard to understand (not sure if it was intentional or he/they was/were drunk?) and hung up the phone. I texted my ex to ask if he called and he said “no but we should talk sometime”. That was one week ago. I sent him a message to tell him his stuff had arrived and to wish him well yesterday. The first non-essential contact I have made. I regret it somewhat and he has not responded.

    Previously through all our ups and downs we have always gotten back together and we could never stay apart for too long. Before we lived 2h away.

    I know he has moved in with a friend and is working with them. I worry that he will never talk to me again despite what he said and I wonder why he would play such mind games with the phone call. I also wonder why he would say we should talk and what he would want to talk to me about? I feel like he is not one to be manipulative and would think he would have no reason to want to talk to me other than to try and work things out.. At this point there would really be no reason to talk to each other at all if his intention is to move on and forget. He knows where I stand, I have made that clear. I also wonder whether this manipulation with the phone call came from influence from his friend. I am really not sure.

    I am trying to sit tight and just be patient to see if he will contact to me.. But I don’t know what to make of all this and I don’t know what to do!

    It had come to my attention this past Sunday morning that the hospital I work for had still been calling my ex’s phone number (it was a secondary number on my account) to look for me for work. I sent him a quick text that morning to apologize for the inconvenience and that I had taken action to rectify the situation.

    I wasn’t expecting a reply but he actually did later on that night.

    “Hi {}. Sorry I didn’t have my phone on today. No worries. I will change my number soon anyway. Thank you for shipping my things with such care.”

    I responded that I was glad everything got there safe and inquired about some fragile items I was concerned about. He said “everything got here fine”

    So instead of playing it cool and just leaving the conversation at “Great. I figured you would probably change your number soon. I hope you have been enjoying your time at home and wish you a great week”

    I went on to say “I really want to respect your space and I think it has been good for me to work on myself in this time time. I am finally taking the steps I need to in therapy to improve myself” and “Thank you for allowing me this opportunity to see. I think space is good but if you ever need to or want to, you know how to find me”

    He didn’t respond to those messages. I felt like an **** for diving into emotional territory so I sent him the following email

    “Hey {}, It was good to hear from you. I am clearly trying to run before I can walk and this is still difficult for me. It was unfair for me to dump emotionally on you like I did- that was too much information and inappropriate. Clearly I need more time. All I have in abundance is my perpetual redundance… Man the mosquitos are coming out in full force here!

    Wishing you the best, happy days ahead, lots of sunshine and lots of fish.”

    So what I am wondering is if you think that this may have been too much, or whether at least it’s out in the open and he knows I am trying?

    I think I should wait now to see if he contacts me. He is 5, 000 km away, and I booked a flight home for the end of June. I figure if I haven’t heard from him by then, maybe I could check in with him via a quick email to see how he is doing, and if he is receptive, then I could try and use that as a launching point to tell him I will be in town and maybe ask if we could meet up. Would that be an appropriate amount of time to wait to initiate LC?

  117. LK says

    Hello, I think I’m a smidge older than most of the women here, but whether my heart is 55 or 25, love with few exceptions, is love.

    I’m involved in a long distance relationship., which is a problem in and of itself. But in my case, I did the gender switch, and told HIM I needed a break. We’ve not talked in more than 24 hours, ( we used to talk four times a day, not to mention texting and emails). And I’m puzzled because I’m not as anxious as I am when we’re talking. He’s a few months away from retiring and is really busy and I totally get it, and he tries his best to maintain normalcy, but normalcy has become so banal. I do believe I’m getting bored with things being so regimented and vanilla. We will talk in two days , but for the time being, I I don’t miss him, not in that desperate way. I’m basically relieved we’re not talking. He balked a little when I first suggested it, then realized this was something about which I felt strongly. I love him and I miss him, but not in that “my life sucks because he ‘s not currently in it” kind of way. I’m remarkably okay, which as a recovering co-dependent, amazes me.

    I’ve realized in this time apart , I want quality and not quantity. I would much rather talk to him a few times a week, in a substantive lengthy conversation, rather than those frustrating :90 second check ins throughout the day. Yeah, I know sone women would kill for those, but it’s just no longer part of my “half of the couple” dynamic.

    I don’t want him out of my life, I just need him him in a better place in my life and until, we can be together (ans we have quite a fews years behind us,. Again, in a long distance relationship. Been a little maddening.

    Anyway, I think Missing each other is good. You know all the old axioms. But I can tell you this, 25 years ago, my insecurities wouldn’t have allowed my to deal with being told he needed a break, much less ME bring the one to initiate it. I would have been a wreck,. I’m oddly at peace , no frantic, obsessive desire to make contact with him.

    I feel that this is the right thing to do and whether it works or not, I guess we’ll find out. Id like to think that since I’ve reversed the roles, this might help some other women deal when they’re the ones told that a little break is needed.

    Thanks for allowing me to tell my story. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

  118. says

    Well thanks for the article but if your ex cheats on his girlfriend with you knowing that he never cheated before what does it mean ?

  119. google.com says

    Greetings! Very useful advice within this article! It’s the little changes that produce
    the biggest changes. Thanks a lot for sharing!

  120. TT says

    My ex boyfriend and I broke up. All we did was fight for 2 months about him lying and I kinda kicked him out and we broke up. He didn’t like me working at a bar either but I was supporting him. He said if I changed and quit the bar he would come back. He was addicted to spice which is fake weed. Anyways that caused the problems. He would do it and lie. Well I got a little crazy and texted and called a lot and he ignored me and begged him and then he and or his mom, I don’t know who, blocked me on facebook and his phone. Will he come back? I’d try to say something to hurt him intentionally and make sure he realized what he lost but he doesn’t seem to care? He would just get mad and ask me to stop. We broke up and he still came over 3 times after we broke up and he moved out. He just said he wanted to get his head straight but then he found a new girl while he was still coming over and hanging with me. I need help with this situation.

  121. coco says

    iam in a bad situation right now.i have been crying my eyes out. my boyfriend and me we were in a long distance relationship.he visited every year.we used to fight a lot but he used tto say he loves me and no matter what he wil never leave me and same thing for me. tomorrow is our four years anniversary and 12 days back we had
    aa fight n he blocked me from everywhr and my sister saw that he had put up a profile pic with a girl which even i got to see from my cousins acnt but when she asked him he straight away blockes her too.i called him but he blocked my call too.its already been 13 day now n i havent heard from him.tomorrow ia our 4 yrs anniverssary but i hv no.idea if he will call me.. im so heart broken.i.dont knw from whr to begin.i really love him alot and he too seemed tto love me but now all this..its killing me..

  122. Ann says

    My boyfriend of over 2 years just broke up with me right after putting his dog down who he was in love with. He stopped responded to me the night before and then i didn’t hear from him since Friday and that was through email saying his week was a emotional roller coaster and had to turn off his personal phone in order to focus on his job training week. I replied back to his email and never got an answer and then I got one email from him saying not to contact his family or friends and he wasn’t looking for a fight or to open communication between us right now. His email had stated he loved and cared for me and is tired of trying to push us forward and feels I won’t move on. He said he had job opportunities and feels I wouldn’t take the leap with him. When he never told me about this and isn’t the best with communication its been texting for the most part and when I say something about he shuts down. He said he was going to do what was best for him and couldn’t be my boyfriend anymore. Friends- yes after sometime. He said this wasn’t what he wanted but he couldn’t fight over every step forward :(

    We were so in love with each other. We were house shopping. He sold his house so we could get one together, we talked about marriage and what we wanted as a wedding, he talked ring all the time, we went away just recently and he got me a gold necklace and said the money was being deducted from my ring (jokingly) there was no signs. We talked about decorating our place a certain way… Its been a little over a week now since the break up email. I sent him a text yesterday to just say hi and see how he was doing? Never got a response :( I feel like he’s resenting me over the dog cause I didn’t like her too much. I know he was close to her and loved her more than a human.

  123. Darren says

    Hi there
    Need your thoughts, met this girl we hit it off everything wAs great untill she told me she wAs moving away. I told her I was happy for her even though inside I was crushed. We decide to continue the relationship untill she left our calling, texting and visit got less over time I barely seen her in July I was pissed but understood why. In aug after she got back from vacation ( she went to where she is moving to) she changed she texted more called and wanted to see me more. She told me she missed me and asked me some leading questions would I move out there? Would I get married again? And she was questioning why she was moving and other stuff weird threw me off. Now it’s sept. And now she doesn’t have time for us her move date is oct 18. Two weeks ago we made dinner plans as usual and I spent a good chunk of the day making it special knowing this could be our last night together. She txted me half way through the day saying she had other plans with family I didn’t respond cause it wouldn’t have been nice. Well last week she blew me off again to be with the same family as last time. I didn’t teply right away. I txted her and asked if we could talk she said she was busy so I txted her and said to her that she blew off our dinner plans wtf, she said she forgot and I should of reminded her ( no apology and no make up date mentioned from her). The next day I txted her and said lets talk and she said no I’m busy and that the rest of her time will be spent with family and girlfriends and I should know this ( pretty much laid into me) I replied yes I knew this and encourage it . Just wish you would of filled me in and told me that was our last night. She said she doesn’t know if that’s our last. I left it at that. The next day she txted me and said we can meet up on the Sunday to say our goodbyes I replied ” ok buddy ” not smart but I was pissed. Well sunday came and went no call and no txt. I asked a lot of my girlfriends if I should go meet her and they all said ” no she doesnt deserve it or you ” so my question is what would all of you do?eet of not go meet

  124. Eyes Wide says

    Blacktalking you to other men there means two things only – he’s not over you and wants to ward other men away from having you. Jason is still “into” you. Give him a taste of his own medicine. Never go back to him. Stay stable and soon others will see who the nut was in that relationship. One even may be a guy he blacktalked to about you ;)

  125. Anonymous says

    Can someone give me some advice my boyfreind and I reconciled after thirty years we had a very wonderful relationship for two and a half years and my daughter went off to college. We never fought and talked about him leaving the city and he still lives at home. I was waiting for him to come and move in with me and he broke up with meand he told me he didn’t love me like he did thirty years ago. I was devastated and asked what I did he seemed at a loss for words. I was devastated and have tried to be his friend but it seems to be progressively getting worse. Can someone give me some advise I feel like I just can’t cope any longer. I loved him with all my heart and thought he loved me too. He told me to wait for him while he went to counseling. I waited for one month and he never called the counselor. He kept saying he as too scared to call the counselor. I finally gave up I am so sad

  126. Lucy Watts says

    Thanks so much, this article has helped me out so much and is helping understand things about my previous relationship more, thankyou!

  127. mgm says

    Here is my story. I am 47 yrs old. I met my first love at age 14. He is the only man i will ever love. 4 yrs ago after 30 plus yrs we reconnected and fell inlove all over again. We will always love each other. I cant seem to let go or move on. He broke up with me 8 months ago. I been doing everything in my power to get him back. I became insecure towards the end of our relationship but never thought he would end it cause we love each other so much and we had history tigether. Maybe i took him for granted thinking he would never let me go. Now it happened. He treated me with great respect. We are great together. I tried the NC for 2 months just recently. Then i gave in and contacted him. He never has initiated contact with me unless i contacted him first. I do have to say he does respond when i do contact him and i try to contact atleast 1 time a week or maybe every other week. We agreed to meet for lunch a week ago and i made sure i did not bring up our past relationship, i acted happy with myself and we had a great lunch. I want him back so bad. HOW OR WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN. i will be honest. I am truely in love and love him deeply. I dont Need him back, but i WANT him back in my life. We are great together. Love the samethings, same music, and out sex was out of this world. Funny thing is i wont give up. In my heart, soul, and mt gut i believe and have faith we will reunite again. I keep thinking maybe this time apart for us is probably a good thing. Im trying to make myself happy again without him, but also being patience hoping he will come back to me. Please someone help me. Talk to me?? Thanks. Hope to hear from someone.

  128. unknown says

    my ex says he can’t have me in his life because he gets stressed out. I told him that I may have health issues and he said that he wishes that I didn’t tell him because it will take away the good in his life. He then seemed to get angry with me because I have been avoiding going to the doctors but when I wanted to discuss my heath issues the next day, he said he doesn’t want us to have any contact at all. Is he just a selfish person or someone who is trying to get his life back on track and feels I will get in the way of that?