You’ve heard me parrot on incessantly about the value of no contact as a get us back tool, and not as a get them back gimmick.
Great! Well, sort of…
Let’s face it, we’d be lying through our collective teeth if we didn’t admit that being objective and resolute is one thing, but hoping that the enduring silence helps them come to realize what they had taken for granted is quite something else.
So, for once, I’m going to drop the objectivity and delve headfirst into the crux of a timeless issue: will my ex forget me after going no contact?
It’s Time For Our Scorecard
On the one hand, it is definitely true that no contact can smooth over some negative aspects of a previously unhappy routine and highlight the highs of the relationship. But if we’re hoping that time will simply erase the negative memories entirely, we’re going to be in for a shock.
Modern advances in the field of psychology tell a more chilling tale. Say hello to our human tendency towards a negativity bias. In a nutshell:
Negativity bias is the psychological phenomenon by which humans have a greater recall of unpleasant memories compared with positive memories.
While there is a chance that they may genuinely regret their decision to break up with you, time alone will not always equate an increase in the desire to reconcile. Well, at least not a genuine one.
The reality is that in the long-run it will be the past relationship itself, your history, and what you really mean to each other — outside of insecurity — that determine the odds of being remembered.
Insecurity Trumps Negativity
That — however — is the long run, and it can take a great deal of time (years) before complete emotional solidity is reached with regards to our exs.
Even if the relationship was turbulent, and the breakup dramatic, chances are you will undoubtedly be missed in some capacity, and no contact might actually make the longing worse.
At this stage, given my point about the negativity bias, you might rightly be wondering why no contact would actually increase the chance you’re going to be missed. The answer is simple, because logic and reason while dealing with insecurity simply don’t matter.
You might remember all the bad stuff incredibly vividly, you might even know that reconciling is patently unhealthy for both of you. None of it matters though, because your unconscious mind wants its comfort-zone back — and it wants it back now.
So, will your ex forget you? Not any time soon. But does this mean that there’s always a window for reconciliation? Absolutely not.
The House Of Cards
Insecurity makes great emotional glue. Even if there is no chance at long-lasting reconciliation, it is usually enough to keep exs in each other’s lives (at least as long as that insecurity continues to exist).
But at no point should we assume that instances of impulsive and vague messaging, hot and cold behavior or unrealistic compromise are anything other than the product of insecurity. And what happens once that insecurity inevitably passes? Ouch, exactly (which is why over 80% of the time second chances last less time than first-ones do).
Of course, it might all be based on genuine longing, and going no contact may well have caused them to stop taking you for granted, and come to realize what it really is that you mean to them. But even if this does occur, there’s no guarantee that they will risk further rejection, and potentially compound their healing by reaching out.
When it comes to reconciling, limited contact is a far better strategy because it allows important communication to flow freely without pride or guilt. The longer no contact goes on, the greater they might miss you, but the taller the wall that separates you is growing.