From a statistical stand-point second chances tend to fail and decay faster than first ones. The odds, as they say, are stacked against us.
For once my own personal outlook is a little less bleak than the cold hard facts seem to indicate. I say this because I am absolutely convinced that most of the time reconciliation is attempted too swiftly and impulsively.
Can second chances in relationships work? Absolutely. Consider this article my subjective attempt at improving the harrowing odds, clearing typical hurdles and paving the way towards a realistic shot at successful reconciliation.
A good start
It all begins with the recognition that no matter how we cut it, the climb is a steep one. A breakup will fuel insecurity and erode trust. Even if a genuine foundation of love and caring exists, surmounting defensiveness, pain and fear can often be too much to handle. And all of this is based on the assumption that whatever malaise caused the breakup to begin with was correctly identified and corrected.
Before we even begin talking about reconciliation as a realistic prospect, we need to make sure that the entire notion isn’t just a convenient day-dream. This means that:
- The feeling is mutual. You aren’t being asked to throw your lot in without a pretense at commitment from your partner. Dismiss words and judge actions instead.
- Trust hasn’t been terminally compromised.
- We are willing to accept our partners as is, not as they could be, but as they are.
- That our innate fear of abandonment isn’t completely overruling our long-term needs (to some extent it is natural).
These few pillars represent, at the very minimum, what is required to even begin contemplating reconciliation. The bottom-line is simple; patching things up should be a choice, and not an emotionally imposed need. Don’t let fear and hope dictate the process.
The importance of drawing it out
Overcoming the pain of a breakup takes time. Time also allows us to detox from dependence, routine and rediscover our individuality. It allows us to objectively analyze what went wrong and weigh the relationship’s pros and cons without being blinded by insecurity and fear. In short, I feel it is a necessary ingredient with regards to attempting successful reconciliation.
The reason I fear that the statistics are so apparently skewed towards failure stems principally from the lack of time and space these attempts are given. Instead, without addressing key destructive ingredients such as insecurity, we hastily dive head-first into the very same relationship that had dissolved not so long ago.
In many ways I am convinced that renewing passion and caring is counter-intuitive.
- We need to get over it before we get into it. Unless we can accept life without them, we will be hard-pressed to flourish as individuals because we risk being led by fear. Ultimately succumbing to a relationship based on security over fulfillment.
- We need to be confident of their intentions. Even partners who are generally happy about their decision to part ways will have their moments of weakness on the road to regaining their emotional freedom and balance. Regret, guilt and insecurity can temporarily cause dumpers to reach out in confusion, instilling false hope and delaying long-term healing.
- We need to come to grips with buried feelings. Breakups can blow the lid off pent-up feelings of resentment and anger. It is imperative that we are able to process these before attempting reconciliation, or they risk coming out later and jeopardizing the relationship. Trust is paramount.
The value of vulnerability
While time is a fantastic way of regaining clarity, it is also important to convey our introspective findings transparently without allowing pride and defensiveness to muddy the communicative waters.
A traumatic breakup can lead to an emotionally scorched wasteland riddled with insecurity. Not even time will be able to erase the occasional pang of fear or resentment. As bad as our own fears are, we need to remember that our partner also is plagued by uncertainty.
Successfully reconciling involves not only addressing our own fears, but placating theirs. The single most important facet when it comes to dealing with these insecurities is crystalline communication, the kind characterized by a brutally honest assessment of our own vulnerabilities and expectations.
Vulnerability does not mean weakness. If anything it is the opposite. It means accepting the foibles of our own nature comprehensively. It means not allowing others to disregard our admittedly subjective needs and wants. Love is not logical and our feelings are what the are independently of how silly or unwarranted others claim them to be.
This is of course is true regarding their feelings as well.
Ultimately, there will always be a discrepancy between our needs and those of our partner. Commitment therefore, acts as he figurative glue that keeps this discrepancy from tearing the relationship at its seams. Should the glue not only be composed of fear and insecurity, which is what I feel most attempts at reconciliation sadly are, then I honestly feel that your chances are far better than the statistics dictate.
Images courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net