Finding yourself on the receiving end of a Facebook block (and usually any other messaging service or social media) is often hastily misconstrued as a sign that your ex wants nothing to do with you, or that emotional separation has occurred.

Of course, if the breakup was particularly spiteful or dramatic, there is a chance that they do want nothing to do with you, but the key realization is that, either way,  blocking you is rarely a sign they don’t care.

In most cases, it is merely a way of fighting for clarity and defending the existing rawness of emotion from further pain. In others, a feeble attempt at manipulation that will indubitably backfire.

For instance…

Highlight Reels Are Painful

Let’s face it, even if there is no real desire to reconcile, observing a constant play-by-play update of our ex’s lives (Facebook statuses e.t.c) is enough to make anyone a budding conspiracy theorist. Where’s my tin foil hat?

Blocking an ex (which would seemingly be you in this case) is usually less about sending a message than it is about moving on without a painful, constant reminder of how well our exs are doing without us. In short, over-analyzing the fresh photos, statuses, likes and activities of your virtual comings and goings is gut-wrenching painful. No matter what our romantic intentions are.

This is all assuming, of course, that your ex is notoriously level-headed and relatively mature. If he wasn’t, it is also likely that blocking you from Facebook stems from a manipulative need. Namely, they may hope that erecting a wall of silence will provoke a response as a result of you being mercilessly starved of affection.

That’s right, they’re playing games.

Let’s Play A Game Of “Who Moved On First”

On the one side there is the pain of separation. If we hold fast to the idealized view that love is a wholly selfless endeavour, then this is the only pain that we are left to contend with. And moving on is merely a question of wishing them well and coping with the vacuum of their presence.

The problem is that most relationships are rarely as selfless as we’d like to imagine. And once separation occurs, we are left to contend with broken pride, guilt, anger and other ego-driven relationship left-overs.

Some of us internalize these feelings, and others tend to shelve them. Blocking you on Facebook can be the externalization of insecurity. Rather than a mature way of putting our own healing first, in this case it’s about baiting a reaction out of you.

It can seem counter-intuitive to many, and it usually is. Because the erection of new barriers to communication will usually end in enduring silence.

It is, when you really think about it, a last ditch effort. An all or nothing. A desperate attempt to hedge all our bets that you will miss us to the point that you will surrender your pride and attempt to bridge the gap in the name of not losing touch forever.

It is, for all intends and purposes, a subtle and common form of emotional blackmail (that we are almost all guilty of to some extent).

So, Which One Is It? And What Happens Next?

Losing the attention and affection of someone we love can break even the most emotionally secure men, and thus attempting to make sense of his actions (manipulative vs shooting for clarity) is usually an exercise in futility.

If he was the one that was dumped, the chances that he is struggling with self-esteem or pride issues is further exacerbated (and may have little to do with the resurrection of the relationship itself).

Either way, I would personally opt to take the block at face-value, assume he needs his privacy and clarity, and get on with my own life.

In this day and age a Facebook block is merely the closure of one specific medium of contact (the most accessible and comfortable one), but will not stop him, you, or anyone else from finding a way to communicate should they there be something important to say.

If there is something they wish to say, I would personally hedge that it should be strong enough to override pride or remorse (we deserve that much at least), and that the mere blocking of a Facebook profile is not, and never will be enough, to justify falling prey to insecurity and loss.

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44 Comments

  • Amber
    Posted Feb 15, 2014 at 12:53 am 0Likes

    Hey James :)

    Interesting analysis on the reasons behind blocking. I am fascinated with psychology and that’s what makes your articles an enjoyable read. Here’s a question: What do you make of the ex who does not block or delete you? Does this signify that they still want to keep communication doors open? Is it an ego thing where they’re hoping you’d be the one to message first? Or does it mean that they are so internally secure with the breakup that they don’t care enough to block you (ouch!)? Maybe this could even be the your next topic of discussion, hehe.

    My ex ended the relationship….rather rudely/coldly. There has been no contact b/w us for about a month and a half now. In anger he said to me, “Are you gonna delete me or should I delete you? Go ahead you can have the final victory!” He didn’t delete me though he said he didn’t want to hear from me. I haven’t deleted him either. I know my reasons for not deleting him, but I was hoping you could give me the male perspective on why he hasn’t deleted me. Thank you for the website and your help.

  • James Nelmondo
    Posted Feb 15, 2014 at 6:28 am 0Likes

    Hey Amber, thanks for swinging by!

    Of course this is just speculation but frankly he doesn’t sound all that secure to me. He may well hold fast to the breakup itself, but in order to get spiteful or worked up, you need a basis in emotion. If he couldn’t care less, he wouldn’t bother trying to elicit an emotional reaction out of you.

    At least to me, if you act rudely or coldly, you are manifesting defensivess, a first line emotional defense.

    But again, without real context it remains pure speculation :)

  • Amber
    Posted Feb 15, 2014 at 7:06 am 0Likes

    Hey James :)

    Thank you so much for your insight, I really appreciate it. He’s not exactly an ex. We were friends for a little over two years and I had developed feelings for him. He started an argument over something really petty and it escalated and it led me to tell him how I felt. He said he feared that I would develop feelings for him one day and that’s why he tried to make himself sound repulsive to me. The strange thing is that he gets mad if I do think negatively of him. It’s a contradiction on his part. I asked him why he didn’t quit talking to me ages ago if he feared I’d fall for him. No answer. He said that he compartmentalizes the girls he dates and those that are his friends. I told him that he should then be talking to the girls he dates for 6-12 hours at a stretch and not me. He had no response to this either. He has told me that he doesn’t open up to others the way he does with me and that he can sustain long conversations with me whereas with other women he can’t talk for more than 10 minutes. Am I wrong for thinking that he should be having that sort of connection with the girls he’s dating.

    He started the argument over a petty non-issue which he refused to let go and said that maybe we should stop talking. I told him that he should stick to his decision then…and immediately afterward he said that he didn’t mean it. By then I was really upset and hurt over the things he said earlier and I went off on him. We didn’t talk for a week and then I contacted him. He was angry and he ended it. He told me to not to contact him and asked if he should delete me or I would do it myself. Neither of us deleted the other. It’s been more than a month since I’ve contacted him. I miss him and I feel hurt by the way he treated me.

    I’m sorry about bombarding you with this essay. I’ve replayed it in my head so many times and I can’t make sense of it. Neither can the guy friends I’ve asked. Can you shed some light on his behavior?

    • James Nelmondo
      Posted Feb 15, 2014 at 7:47 am 0Likes

      No worries, it’s what this site is all about after-all!

      I would hedge that it makes little sense, and forgive me the cliché, because it is governed by feelings (and since when are they logical?). I’m going to stand my ground and say that, to me, it reaally does seem like cocktail of pride, ego and longing on his part.

      Attachments (preciesely in this stage of an “almost” relationship) can breed fear. Fear of failure, fear of betrayal, fear of abandonment — and of couse — familiarity can breed contempt. It sounds to me as if he has some pre-existing trust issues that have little to do with you. And is pushing and pulling in order to coerce you into bolstering his security (knowing full well the effect that it might have on you).

      While most would say that all this paints a pretty dire picture of him, it is all rooted in insecurity and I doubt he has much control over it all. And the consequent anger, remorse and regret may reinforce his emotional quagmire because the only way he can justify detachment (if you decide to dodge the bullet) is by convincing himself he was abandoned or neglected (and not by objectively weighing his own behavior).

      Perhaps I’m stretching conjecture a little, but that would be my guess Amber.

  • James Nelmondo
    Posted Feb 15, 2014 at 9:56 am 0Likes

    P.S: Your comment didn’t vanish, I actually got two copies ;) My answer is above!

  • Amber
    Posted Feb 16, 2014 at 3:36 am 0Likes

    Wow, you’re good. You should consider going into counseling. Yes, you are right. A former girlfriend cheated on him and I feel that led to trust issues. He has said many a time that he fears people’s expectations. He admits he has a huge ego and that he finds it hard to apologize for his mistakes. The interesting thing is that when we had our argument that led to the breakup, I had called him out on his cowardice and lying….Surprisingly he admitted to it and apologized. But then he hardened toward me. He told me to eff off and leave him alone. Even if he didn’t have a romantic interest in me, did he not even at least consider me a friend? Did a two year friendship not warrant more sensitivity from him even while rejecting me? So, he had to kick me when I was already down? We are both members of an online forum. It’s not a dating website, but a cultural forum where one can discuss a wide range of topics. I see him on the forum posting away as though he couldn’t care less. There’s a girl on there that he seems interested in and I admit it hurts to see him talking to her. He doesn’t check my profile. It’s like I never existed. I am pretty active on the forum as well; we both ignore each other. I don’t want contact him; I’d feel wary about resuming a friendship with him. But I do want an apology from him. One of the most hurtful things he said during our argument was that he doesn’t know me that well. We’ve talked for hours on end for 2 years and he doesn’t know me? So, I’ve been reduced from a friend to an acquaintance…or maybe worse….a stranger. Maybe it is selfish of me to want him to be the first to contact me and express regret. Even if he did, it doesn’t change the past. But I still want him to be the one to contact me first. It’s possible, as you said, that he may justify his detachment by seeing himself as a victim and therefore may never regret his actions. But what do I do to increase my chances? Continue No Contact? Continue posting happily on the forum whilst ignoring as he’s ignoring me?

    • James Nelmondo
      Posted Feb 19, 2014 at 12:56 pm 0Likes

      Hey again Amber, sorry for the later reply!

      I’m guessing something happened here, or was it completely random:

      I had called him out on his cowardice and lying….Surprisingly he admitted to it and apologized. But then he hardened toward me.

      If he hardened towards you without an objective cause (forget right and wrong), then I would hedge that there are other variables in play here. Did something happen between those two poles?

      The problem here is that — as you know better than I — closure of any sort is inexistent, due to the fact that it stems from the potentially destructive desire to place our contentment in other peoples’ hands. While I do applaud your transparency (that despite it all, you are interested in rekindling — many hide behind their pride), as a third-party opinion, I can only try and be objective.

      In any case, here’s my 2 euro cents.

      His initiation does little to inspire trust in me, due to the fact that he seems to be notoriously impulsive. Therefore stressing over absolutes (such as being a stranger, or a surprisingly positive admission of guilt) is a surefire way to perpetually confuse.

      He needs to demonstrate consistency in his emotions. Relationships rely on long-term commitment. If you would ultimately settle for nothing less, then those are the traits I would look for. Not an impulsive I’m sorry. For this reason I would go LC (limited contact). Take a step back, allow him to feel what life is like without you, but don’t burn your bridges (make sure an avenue for contact is available and welcome — and that he knows it). In short, summarize how you feel in a couple of sentences (no more — and without guilt, resentment or other mind games) and throw it at him.

      I have nothing invested in this personally, and so it is very easy for me to say all this. I know how hard it can be to try and analyze the chaos that feelings present. But personally, I don’t think you have a choice. Forget closure, say what you have to say and move forward with your life. If his actions begin to crystallize into patterns (and not impulsive F you’s and candid apologies) then you are making progress, even if they seem to be negative.

      I’m not sure whether any of this is warranted, nor whether it makes sense!

      Best of luck!

  • Amber
    Posted Feb 20, 2014 at 9:11 pm 0Likes

    Hey James :)

    Thank you for the analysis; I appreciate it. I am not sure myself what happened between those two poles. What started the argument was that he said he had seen a FB pic of a girl he had been curious about and that he found her attractive. I teasingly said that I hope things work out for you both and that pissed him off. He wouldn’t let it go and kept bugging me to explain what I meant by that. I told him that since you’ve been curious about her, and you find her attractive, and she’s intelligent, and you both are on FB and members, you could send her a message and get to know her. He asked me how I’d like it if he had told me to get with X and Y, two guys that he knows I’m not attracted to. I could understand his annoyance if I had pushed him to go after a girl he despised or found unattractive, so I’m not sure why he was so upset.

    Y’know James, as I’m telling you about this, it seems so funny now. LOL. Though at the time it wasn’t. So, he said that maybe he’ll follow through with my suggestion and talk to the girl. It sounded like he was challenging me. And my “That’s cool; go for it dude!” attitude inflamed him even more. He had said that a previous female friend of his had stopped talking to him for good when he had praised some girl’s looks. I think I reacted better than his former female friend did. But somehow my encouragement was a grave offense that warranted the end of the relationship.

    I have not burned all bridges with him; the lines of communication are still open. But presently I don’t feel like being the first to reach out.

    • James Nelmondo
      Posted Feb 25, 2014 at 3:36 pm 0Likes

      Hey again Amber, not sure if you’ll read this since I’m super-late once again,

      Sounds to me like it’s a case of him being free with dishing it out and not being able to handle having the game played back at him. After all, that is what manipulation is at its core — a display of insecurity. In a way, when then viewed objectively, and not through a lense of subjective pain, it does become funny, but it does not absolve the intent behind the manipulation. And if you’ll spare me and aside, I do find it is a trait that will continously recurr unless the insecurity is quelled.

  • violette
    Posted Apr 11, 2014 at 8:50 am 0Likes

    My ex ended it out of the blue, said we were going too fast and should take it slow for now. We were friends before getting together. For almost 2 months after the break up we kept talking, mostly myself initiating. He’s been let’s say distant and at times abrupt, trying to pick a fight-which I couldn’t understand since he ended it-most of the time, but on occasion he’d warm up some. The other day said he doesn’t think we should text anymore. It was put in a rather rude manner, which I pointed out. But he was clear in that he wanted no further communication at this point. After that I unfriended him from FB. He got angry, said “thanks for deleting, very thoughtful” and then blocked me. Is it ego and selfishness I’m seeing here? That was my first thought? Inflated ego to dictate the terms? As in no texts but we should remain on FB?

  • Amber
    Posted Apr 14, 2014 at 3:03 am 0Likes

    ^ Who knows? Maybe he was hoping you’d beg and plead him to not end it and was disappointed/annoyed that you’d actually act on his decision. I say let him live with his decision. If he gets in touch, remind him briefly that he was the one who decided to end it and you don’t want the stress of wishy-washy relationships in your life where the lack of consistency leaves you hanging and very confused about your status and value. Keep it short, don’t go into much detail.

  • Suzanne
    Posted Jun 18, 2014 at 7:31 pm 0Likes

    Hey James , thanks a million for the great site & advices .
    I’ll try to sum it up. I broke up with my ex last January. Our relationship lasted for 2 years.
    Since January he tried many times to ask me to reconcile or at least to stay in his life as a friend but I refused because it confuses my feelings.
    And I asked him several times to stop calling or texting me yet I was responding very fast once he calls or texts !!!
    3 weeks ago, I made a stupid thing, I unfriended him on FB then 2 days after I founded him blocked me !
    I sent him and he told me it is kind of payback .
    I can feel now that his emotions towards me changed & he is starting to forget me !
    And this is killing me .
    It must have hurt him I know , but can a guy forget the girl he loved easily ???

  • Amber
    Posted Jul 3, 2014 at 6:09 am 0Likes

    Hey James,

    What does it mean if a guy says that “It’s for you to decide” when you ask him whether or not he is bothered by the break-up?

  • Love
    Posted Jul 4, 2014 at 6:17 am 0Likes

    Hi James,

    I met my ex on Facebook last year and he’s living in the US. After a couple of months, he visited me in the Philippines. He’s also a filipino but living in the US now. Our relationship was great, we were madly in love with each other, and he was planning to get married next year. He had so many wonderful plans for us and begged me to wait for him until 2015 for our wedding. After a month of his vacation in my country, he flew back home. That was October 2013. Everything was going strong and we planned for his next vacation April 2014. But December 2013 he broke up with me because of our constant arguments. But we still communicate every single day. He was also able to visit me again April 2014 to May 2014, and we went a trip somewhere, bought plane tickers for me for a beach somewhere near Visayas. We were on and off since December. He can’t make up his mind if we continue our relationship or not. (It’s really a long story).. But we never lost contact until yesterday he blocked me on Facebook. Because of misunderstandings. He blocked me there so many times and I always beg him to add me back there. But this time, he even blocked my relatives and my good friend. Yesterday, it feels like I’ll never see him again whether online or in real life. I love this person so much and his relatives here in the Philippines. They’re like a family to me. Now, he doesn’t answer my calls, texts, or emails. He completely built a high wall between us. I can’t find him anymore. Please tell me what to do to get him to speak to me again. I just want a formal breakup not this very hurtful one.

    Thank you,

    Love

  • Sandi
    Posted Jul 7, 2014 at 5:08 am 0Likes

    My ex has blocked me and has kept me blocked for over two years. I heard he has had a couple of girlfriends after me but why keep me blocked if he’s apparently moved on and over me? I don’t get it? He has allowed his children to friend me on facebook???

  • AnnaZ
    Posted Nov 20, 2014 at 12:56 pm 0Likes

    hi james,
    i just break up with my bf, we have been together for almost 3 years and we have alot firsts in our relationship. the reason why we is that he said he cant love me anymore, he wants to be alone, he said he is not himself when he with me, and he said we are too different. he also said that we are physical together but deep down he felt distant. we always stick togther during our relationship. he loves me alot, he will help do anything, he will buy anything for me if i want.
    he face-to – face told me he cant continue the relationship with me, i tried to get him back, he asked me stop trying cos he wont change his mind. so i told him ” i really loved you, and i can live without you.” he replied” then live without me.” before i turned my back at him and walk away i kissed his lip, he didnt reject me. but at the moment i turned my back he stopped me and touched my cheek and told me to take care of myself. i looked into his eyes, i can feel his love. i can feel he is hurt…. but i really dont know what to say. i turned my back and walked away. after that i didnt walk straight to bus stop, but i went to a shop bought a cup of soya bean milk. (actually we take the same bus go home, just that i will go down at 2nd bus stop, alight earlier than him.) so after i bought the soya milk i walked to bus stop, by then i saw him just a few people behind me. but i didnt really look at him, i glanced at him, i saw that he looks very hurt. i confused, he is the one who wanted break up. i feel hurt initially, but after that i feel happy because i walked away first. and i recalled his last movement and the eye conatct with me, my six sense tells me that he will come back to me.
    i nv try to contact him after he face -to-face told he cant continue the relationship with me. after 2 days i realised that he unfollowed me on instagram and blocked me on Facebook. we always use whatsapp or Message to contact each other. im not sure whether he blocked me on his phone or not. but i went to his whatspp i can see his last seen.
    i want him back, but i dont know what to do.

  • sasha
    Posted Dec 6, 2014 at 7:56 am 0Likes

    Hey!

    Just wondering…
    I have an ex who broke things off with me 7 months ago. Deleted me off Facebook, and turned pretty hostile about a month after the break up (even though the break up wasn’t bad).
    Recently, even though I was deleted off his Facebook already, he has blocked me as well.
    Why is this?

  • Marija
    Posted Dec 6, 2014 at 3:56 pm 0Likes

    Hi James,
    My ex and I broke up two months ago. It was a nasty break up but we stayed in touch one way or another. It was me who was always writing first, asking for another chance. There were a few occasions when we wrote back and forth for hours but his final answer was always ‘I don’t want to get back with you because I know you won’t change’, however on one occasion he told me that the whole time he’s been giving me chances to see if I can change. The last time we spoke we had a huge fight and he blocked me from Skype (I was previously blocked from everywhere else). I’ve been in no contac period since (16 days so far) and in the meantime I deleted our mutual friends to show him that “I’ve moved on” because sees me as a clingy and needy person and thinks that I won’t get over him. Few days ago I started using Viber and today I noticed that he blocked me there also. I don’t intent to contact him whatsoever but I’m still hoping that at the end we’ll get back together. I need your opinion as a guy, can you give me a logical explanation for his latest action? Does it mean that he did it because he doesn’t want to have anything with me in the future or…?
    Thanks in advance :)

  • Rachel
    Posted Dec 10, 2014 at 10:17 pm 0Likes

    I blocked my ex boyfriend on facebook because I couldn’t trust myself not to peep and lose my dinner each time I did. When we we were crashing and burning I wanted to reconcile and asked him why he had no time for me. He gave me a load of excuses about his family visiting, uni work, etc. Only for me to check his facebook and find he went out with his friends. I was so hurt. I couldn’t trust myself not to facebook-stalk him and it was liking hurling myself on to a bed of nails each time. I’m glad I did it.

  • Genavii
    Posted Mar 14, 2016 at 3:54 pm 0Likes

    Hey ive been dating this guy for 9 months and he recently told me he wanted to take a break 2 weeks later he said he got another girl that he likes he says he still care about me but its different with her when i went to get my things from his house later on that day i realized he blocked me on facebook what do i do

    • James Nelmondo
      Posted Mar 14, 2016 at 8:20 pm 0Likes

      Hey there Genavii,

      Sorry to hear about it. I’m not sure that you have many choices here, it doesn’t sound like he’s playing a game. The Facebook block in this case is probably just a way of comforting this new partner of his, and to mark a new beginning of sorts. A pretty crude way to impulsively cut you out, I’m sorry to say.

      I don’t see that you have many options outside of attempting to communicate with him outside of Facebook and seeking a minimum of clarification. It’s either that, or accepting the Facebook block at face value and focusing once again on re prioritizing your life with yourself at the forefront.

  • Chrissy
    Posted Mar 15, 2016 at 2:57 am 0Likes

    Hi James,

    Last February, I was in a relationship, my first serious one in fact. He was a little older, but it felt right. I have always had a tough time letting my guard down, but this time it seemed easy and like I said, right. He was really really into me, and made comments about how he’d never fell so fast before and had all these ideas about traveling together and eventually moving in, etc. It was fast, but it also felt right to me, but I also had never been in this experience before. I took a lot of risks with him, and in the beginning, I was very honest about the big fear I have about people getting tired of me. He promised that whatever conflict we had, we would be honest with each other. Now, I feel he was talking to himself, not me. He had been engaged before, many years ago, and when something upset him, he just left. He later realized that was a mistake and regretted it.

    We dated pretty seriously for 3 months, and the day after our anniversary, he began to act very strange. He started being cold, and not calling as much, and just staying away. I should have been more upfront, but having never been through a breakup, I didn’t know what to look for. I tried to ask him a few times if we were okay, and he just said he was tired from work. Then one day in May, he came over and basically said he wanted to talk about us, but he couldn’t even find the words. All I could get was that he couldn’t explain it, but things felt different. After about 5 minutes he was gone.

    I felt incredibly betrayed and confused, so I asked him to come back a few days later so I could get the closure I deserved, and he did. I reminded him of how new all of this was for me, which caused him to hang his head. I tried to explain that the past few weeks I had felt so used and didn’t know what I had done. I never did get an answer really, just that things felt “comfortable” all of a sudden and the “spark” was gone. I questioned him about cheating, and I feel confident that wasn’t it.

    My personal theory is that he is unable to deal with and process his emotions, and I think something about us scared him. I don’t know why, but considering it happened right after our 3 month, and he “couldn’t understand why”, I think that’s where the focus was.

    Needless to say, I felt abandoned, betrayed and like I could be hit by a bus without him caring. That probably isn’t true, but to me, disappearing like that without one check in shows you don’t care. I know some people just can’t, but because I am so open, it’s hard for me to understand.

    Anyway, I’ve seen him a few times and he’s tried to get my attention, but I just can’t talk to him. It may be petty, but I get extremely anxious and have memories of that time when I see him. And I feel like standing near me, staring and talking to my friends isn’t really trying. I feel he could contact me if he really wanted to talk. Is that okay? I’m always forgiving and understanding, but I can’t describe how much I trusted him, and how deeply he hurt me by the way he handled it. And I don’t know if I can talk to him again.

    Anyway, I just noticed he deleted me off of Facebook. I’m about two thirds moved on, but that still stung. It feels like he doesn’t have a right to be mad when he did the hurting. But it also feels like one last attempt to try to force me to say something to him.

    I don’t really have a question, just guidance. I’m much better than I was last May. I don’t think about him hardly at all now, until I noticed that, and am finally back to my happy, single self. But I find that him deleting me hurts more than it should. And I want to open up again to someone who is worthy and who will treat me with more respect. But I need to fully let go of him to do that.

    Sorry for the novel, I hope you can provide me with at least a Pat on the back lol, or some advice. Thanks :)

    • James Nelmondo
      Posted Mar 15, 2016 at 3:22 am 0Likes

      Hey there Chrissy,

      I really don’t like generalizing, however I do find that most relationships I hear about follow a kind of pattern regarding intensity and length of engagement.

      Let’s call the three stages lust, attraction and attachment. While lust may seem a bit crude, it also includes non-sexual attributes that derive from the hormonal high that the birth of a new relationship usually catalyzes.

      Now, because your relationship was counted in the months rather than years, I’m going out on a limb here and saying that for whatever reason, the transition to a relationship based on commitment, from one borne out of high-energy idealism failed to resolve.

      The confusing thing about this is that when an ex says things that ring of long-term commitment such as “moving in together” or “having kids”, in the moment, assuming they aren’t callous and manipulative, they do — in the moment — genuinely mean it. So, because you felt he was being honest, because he was, no alarm bells rang.

      This discrepancy leads to resentment and betrayal, because it really makes you question your own judgment. Because you just know he meant it, and now can’t reconcile the death of that expectation. If only feelings were logic based, rather than the sum of a million sub conscious variables…

      But those promises were made during the high of a blossoming new adventure, when emotions are surging. It bears remembering that this is not a natural state (and I feel that we should be wary of any and all promises made during this stage), and once ye olde hormones settled back to normal, and the daily grind resumed in earnest, the sobering up may have catalyzed distance, and ultimately the breakup.

      This is obviously a guess, however. Some food for thought.

      Interestingly, this is why I find that most long term relationships also end around 18 months to 2 years, because they fail to make the second transition. From attraction to attachment. The few months mark, and the year and half mark are overwhelmingly common in most cases I’ve engaged with here on the website.

      I wouldn’t necessarily translate his blocking you as being mad, it’s probably more to do with insecurity, which if you think about it is the polar opposite. And given the way he broke up with you, I’ll double up on that.

      I’m not great at pat on the backs, I’m afraid. I tend to dish out the opposite! ;)

  • Audrey
    Posted Apr 13, 2016 at 9:01 pm 0Likes

    Hi James ,
    I was with my ex for 2 years . We were actually engaged and was planning to get married this year. However , our relationship has since then wore me down to the extent that I’ve chose to let go of him in hopes that he would someday realise how he’s been treating me .

    During our rs , he was in some debts while i worked and saved up the money to the extent that I didnt really eat and lost a lot of weight , he was constantly spending his money . Even after he promised me that things will be different after the debts is cleared it never was , i had fed him into the habit of taking money from me every month .

    I have paid noticed to whatever he mentions that he likes and would constantly surprise him..

    Our problem started when I realised i was wearing the pants in the relationship . He have stopped making any efforts in the relationship.He forgots things that he promised me. He don’t bring me out on dates anymore and everytime i had to drag him out while he complains about being tired. He started not bothering if I was upset or not. I talked to him for hours almost all the time about our problems. When he’s in a good mood he’ll treat me right for days .. Then everything would revert back to the same old .

    I tried pleasing his friends but they would sneer and talk bad behind my back because he doesn’t want to hangout with them and he used me as an excuse. He have never stood up for me whenever they talked about me infront of him or behind my back. Instead when i found out from our mutual friends , he protected them and went MIA on me

    Our biggest fight was when I found out he lied to me to go to dirty pubs with his friends. That was when my trust towards him completely broke.

    Throughout the whole rs I’ve tried leaving . but whenever he begs and apologized , i would end up relenting and forgiving him.

    But i could not trust him nor his friends. Hence i told him to stop contacting them . He did. For a few weeks.. Then he contacted them secretly and i caught him. I said i would leave. Then.. He swore and promise to never contact them unless i gave the green light .

    I made a compromise and told him if you show me that you care and will protect me infront of them .. And if you show me that from now onwards you’ll build back my trust on our rs , I’ll learn to accept your friends back again . he promised. But .. He tried biting back on hiw own words countless times that I started getting really disappointed.

    So .. The last straw was really when he told me , he will not marry me unless i learn to accept his friends back . I asked him what about our compromise and understanding that you will have to build back my trust first . then he said ok fine. But he treated me coldly and started giving me attitude everyday for 2 months..

    That 2 months i prepared myself to leave him. Then one day , i left. After 2 weeks i left , he deleted all our photos on facebook . So I was hurt and I deleted too. That was when I told myself, i had to move on for real and start loving myself if he really love me he will come back one day and i shouldn’t be moping around .

    Now its been months since our breakup . we’ve never talked since then. Then .. I had a strange dream that he unfriend me on facebook . so when i woke up ,i checked and we was still friend. In the evening , BAM .. It struck me . he have unfriend me on all social media .

    I have been moving on pretty well since the break up focusing on my career and having lots of fun with my friends. But I’m really confused.. Why would a guy go to the extent of removing someone months after the breakup . Is he telling me that We are definitely over ?

    Please help me .

    • James Nelmondo
      Posted Apr 14, 2016 at 4:10 pm 0Likes

      Hey there Audrey!

      Before I begin, bear in mind that what I have to say is an opinion and not a judgment, so I hope this doesn’t come off as too blunt.

      The problem seems to be that there is a vicious cycle of insecurity leading to ever-worsening trust issues (which continues to erode security).

      While negotiating in the name of catering to our partner’s needs is key to any relationship, it seems that your ex’s desire to break free now and then and meet his friends / go to pubs may well constitute part of his needs (not to be confused with his wants, perhaps it’s a way for him to channel stress effectively), and thus it isn’t a promise he can realistically keep. Hence the resentment, because he may feel that you were controlling him and forcing him into an unfair exchange.

      Bear in mind feelings have nothing to do with right and wrong, and thus while you may not have been asking for much, in the long run this fundamental incompatibility would probably have been unsustainable in any case.

      Regarding the Facebook block; he probably doesn’t want a rolling highlight reel of seeing you move on (it hurts), so it isn’t likely to be hatred or indifference, it’s probably a self-defense mechanism or an attempt to weaken your resolve (as you can see, it works and has made you think about him more than you would have otherwise, because it preys on your insecurity). Either way, its a sign of strong emotion rather than the opposite most of the time, particularly at the tail end of manipulative relationships.

  • Audrey
    Posted Apr 19, 2016 at 2:52 am 0Likes

    Hi James,

    i do agree that I am insecure in the relationship with him as when i was having a miscarriage , he was fooling around with girls in the pub and he MIA on me . And throughout the whole relationship he has disappeared on me several times .

    I’ve even tried to do my part by asking his friends out for dinner and all together but as soon as they heard I’m going , they will reject. There are times where i told him to meet his friends for dinner alone but he said he didn’t want to. I just didnt know what to do at that point of time. Its like i told him to go he will say no. If i said to build back my trust before he go he will still say no..

    I’ve seen that he has commented and bitch about me on facebook after the breakup with his friends.

    By unfriending me on facebook might have been showing me that he have finally moved on? And I’ve seen pictures of him with club singers and models together as well .

    I am really confuse how can a guy move on so easily after all that we’ve gone through? ):

    • James Nelmondo
      Posted Apr 19, 2016 at 11:43 am 0Likes

      Hey again Audrey,

      I’m not judging, believe me. If my partner acted that way (being excluded and having them talk behind my back) I’d be both resentful and insecure.

      He might have been showing you that it is over, however I find it more likely that it is a continuance of spite. Because if he is happy with his new life, why would he feel the need to cling onto the past? Because in my opinion making a show of moving on is mostly about sending a message, which is an indirect way of communicating if you think about it. Doesn’t really sound like moving on to me. Either that, or a way of showing his friends he got the better end of the bargain, but again, that is the result of insecurity not happiness. It’s defensive.

      Usually making a show of moving on quickly is just that — a show. There is no off switch.

  • Tiffany
    Posted Apr 19, 2016 at 10:14 am 0Likes

    Hi James,
    My ex unfriended me on facebook after I thought we ended on good terms and he wanted to stay friends but obviously his actions are the opposite of what he said. I was the one who brought the subject of breaking up, could he still be possibly mad at me? Also a friend of mine has told me that he asks about me pretty frequently (about 4-5 times) and it wasn’t in a nice way he was asking if I still talk crap behind his back. I just want to know what you think.
    Thanks, Great insightful post by the way.

    • James Nelmondo
      Posted Apr 19, 2016 at 11:47 am 0Likes

      Hey Tiffany,

      Yes, anger is a well-documented part of the cycle of grief, and therefore very possible (probably closer to unavoidable). It is a way of scape-goating responsibility. If you make it your ex’s fault, or drag them down, you don’t have to question what your role was in the demise of the relationship.

      But it’s a house of cards

      I suppose what I’m saying isn’t that the anger is really personal, it’s more of a coping mechanism, which is why it wavers constantly from guilt and sadness to spite so quickly.

      Also consider that it might be a way for him to make you question the decision by exacerbating insecurity, because highlighting the vacuum in this way has a way of making us think more of our exs in the short-term, as I’m sure you know better than I do! It might well be a well-disguised forget-me-not, bad press is better than no press to an ailing ex.

  • Tiffany
    Posted Apr 20, 2016 at 12:55 pm 0Likes

    Hi James, Thanks for the insightful advice and comments per usual.

  • Lara
    Posted Apr 22, 2016 at 1:06 am 0Likes

    First of all, thank you for sharing your thoughts on this as I’m really overthinking the situation and can’t think of anything I could possibly do anymore and would really like an advice how I should work things out.

    Let me contextualize the situation for you to understand my question.
    I met this guy in a singing app and we had been having funsince the block. At first, I found him there and added him, he just added me later on when I joked he didn’t then he apologized and did saying he didnt use to add many people. I liked his company and the fun times we had. He used to flirt with other girls and me when he had the chance. I got bothered by this cause I admit I got jealous but till then, I didnt say anything about it. He also used to like half naked pics of models on instagram. I know he likes the cultural background and beauty I got. We really had some chemistry when we interacted.
    One day, I seen on instagram, which I followed but he didn’t to me, he added some girls from the first app and also started following another girl on the first app after the first song. I got mad at him, stupid, I know…and we argued. I said he’d better be with the ones he considered more important and I’d drop before I’d get too resentful. It’s like inviting newcomers to a party and let the others out. Said I thought we were becoming friends. He replied saying it had nothing to do with importance, it was not the same as in real life, it was looking like coming across as jealousy and that he wouldnt if I wasnt have written this long to convince me, he also thought we were becoming friends and if I was serious about that. Then he told he didnt have the obligation to follow me and that depended on humour and other things, listed a few things that girl did well, he could barely keep up with all the things from the app. I said ironically he was thinking he had some fans, so be with them as hes so important. He responded he didnt come to the app to justify his act to me or other people, follow if you want. I told I didnt expect him to and dont be silly I like singing with you, forget about it cause that was supposed to be having fun, I wanted to let it in the past. After that he added me on instagram.
    Sometime later I apologized saying I hurt him and overreacted, was resented, that he could follow who he wanted and he replied it was fine. He became distant and then I messaged him asking why he was that way. He told me he almost blocked me and didnt want to be in that situation again, I then said so is it sth irreparable? and he came to terms with it and relaxed a bit. He started acting friendly to me again. I already knew from the beginning his name, that he told me on private on instagram, and profession when talking before the fight. Then, I continued entering his collabs though he was more sparse with mine. When was my birthday I said I’d congratulate on his if we’d be still playing with the app. He said he wouldnt leave it. Sometime later I discovered by myself he’s a married guy, so I decided to act just like friendly towards him, though he doesn’t know I know. I swear from that point on I just acted friendly.
    When I got a job I thanked him for practicing the language he speaks, he gave me all credit for that and that was the first time I called by his name. One day, I asked why he had to live far during the week for work. He didnt reply, it was on public. Then just casually I was browsing through some friends profiles on linked in and seen his there. The day after that he messaged me like are you looking me up on linked in too? If I didnt tell you is cause I didnt want you to know. Why are you so interested in me or what I do? And then blocked me on both apps we used to interact. I remained as it was though I was thinking that time was him who overreacted. About a month later after thinking a lot I decided to congratulate through another app we had in common but never added to each other until then on his birthday. I know he didnt block me on this. He didn’t reply to this but I guess he got happy cause I seen his mood had changed in his apparitions on the singing app. But even then, he didnt try to reach me out. It’s been almost three weeks now since my last birthday message, and I’ve been thinking about it so upset. I can’t stop thinking what I did wrong and how fix this situation. I really liked being around and talking to him. Though I’d be more distant, i wanted to at least make the communication channel open. I feel so sad these days, I really wish to reopen the friendship as it was but I dont wanna look needy and desperate. I miss our interactions so bad, he was one of my favorite people to interact within the app, really want to rekindle things, but I don’t know how to approach not looking ridicule or silly. Should I try to reach out and say I’m sorry again? Is it a final decision? Why he’d leave me in the shadows on instagram while accepting these other ones which were way more flirty with him? Why he’s acting this way? Is it a justifiable act of mine to cut me like this? I’m writing through a pseudonym for personal reasons, thanks for hearing me out.

    • James Nelmondo
      Posted Apr 22, 2016 at 12:04 pm 0Likes

      Hey Lara!

      You call it friendship, but is that honestly what we’re talking about here? It seems to me that the feelings involved are romantic in nature, and thus calling it friendship might have created a mismatch in intention.

      Because calling it friendship means that your connection is not exclusive, and he may well have knowingly hid behind that fact despite knowing your intentions weren’t purely platonic (which is why you are ultimately made to feel — as you put it — silly. Because you know that despite not having an exclusive relationship, you are nevertheless plagued by emotions strong enough to be one).

      Am I wrong about your intentions here? I might be, but I’m a little confused why you are adamant about acting in a “friendly way”. Are your feelings romantic in nature? If so, I would urge against masquerading purely as a friend, in my opinion you are better off laying the cards out flat. So that:

      a) He can’t hide behind the fact that it’s a platonic friendship, and potentially lead you on, or
      b) You won’t invest heavily and exhaustively in a house of cards and threaten your own self-confidence and stability.

      Calling it a friendship just confuses everyone involved (again, I might be wrong and this is just my opinion after all) and ultimately will lead to resentment.

      I understand that escalating from friendship (rather than just blurting it out) makes it easier in a way, because there’s less risk of open rejection and it’s a little less nerve wracking, but because of this dance of words the context is a little confusing to me, and the fact that this is all playing out online makes it even harder for me to guess at his intentions.

      My best guess is that he enjoys the attention, and flirting — despite being a married man — is inherently fun. But once he realized your intention had crossed the fun line into one where you romantic feelings had matured, he decided to fall back and escape the situation to either not feel responsible or to avoid drama. Again, I could be wrong, and I know this is pretty brutal opinion, but that is unfortunately how I read his behavior.

      Your best bet, no matter what answers you get, is dropping the pretense of friendship completely, so that at the very least he can’t hide in that swamp and make you stew in your own anxiety. If your friendship is only really friendship because you have taken a romantic interest to him, that needs to be made clear.

      What would reaching out and saying sorry really achieve other than further confusing both of you? Let’s be honest here, it’s just an attempt to open the lines of communication with the end-goal of slowly inching your way up the romantic ladder. So, in my very limited opinion, you’d be better off putting the games out of their misery and telling him straight up what this friendship is built on.

      Sorry to be so blunt Lara!

  • Samantha
    Posted Apr 24, 2016 at 1:35 am 0Likes

    hey james, I came across your site and I figured why not ask. I have been hammering this to death with friends and family, so I think an outside prospective may be good. I met a guy back in September, but we did not really start seeing each other until a few months ago. Everything happened so fast and it was this infatuation, that I personally believe, both of us truly felt. It was just instant and made sense. About a month in, he found out he was getting transferred almost 15 hours away. I know this sounds crazy how fast it was, but I am telling you we really did have crazy chemistry that I had never felt before and I truly believe that he hadn’t either. Anyways, when I found out he was moving, we stopped our relationship as it was because we didn’t want to continue being so close, but we still talked every day, but stopped hanging out. It took him over a month for him to hear back from the company about the move. In the meantime, he came and told me that he was no longer moving, I guess because he hadn’t heard anything in so long, and that he wanted to know what this made us again. So happy, I obviously agreed to take him back. Soon after, he became distant. A week after we “got back together” I found out he was moving from a picture online. Once I saw the picture, I realized that I was blocked on everything, social media, as well as my number. I tried to reach out wishing him success there, but nothing back. I guess the question is do you think he blocked me to raise a reaction from me, because he did not know how to tell me he changed his mind, or it was his last effort for sex before he left. I want to ask him, but it is quite clear he doesn’t want to talk to me and I am so confused and saddened that we could not at least have a friendship in the end.

    • James Nelmondo
      Posted Apr 24, 2016 at 11:23 am 0Likes

      Hey Samantha,

      Well, usually attempting to bait a reaction occurs when there is a significant barrier to open communication. Namely, pride, guilt or just distance. Given the fact that the way forward was paved and the communication channels were open, it’s not distance. Pride also is a non-factor since he wasn’t cut out of your life in any way.

      Additionally, if he was trying to bait a reaction he’d leave at least one way for you to contact him, blocking your number reads as too comprehensive in my book.

      Anyway, that leaves guilt. Guilt because given your history he might not know how to justify pulling away abruptly. He probably things it would seem absurd (not really). Which is obviously short-sighted because closing your eyes and covering your ears and screaming “it never happened” makes things worse for everyone. Especially you.

      You mention infatuation, and as we both know it is primarily a chemically charged state, and is something of a suspension of reality. Perhaps the “wonder drug” ran it’s course (so it isn’t really a personal thing, it is quite literally physiological). Just a thought.

      It sounds to me, superficially speaking, that he just wants to avoid responsibility. Nobody wants to negotiate a breakup, and he probably felt that the best way to handle it was to ignore that there was one.

      Of course, this is just a hard, objective reaction, and I’m sure I’m missing a lot of context.

  • Peter
    Posted Apr 25, 2016 at 2:46 am 0Likes

    Hey James,

    Even though this post is targeted women and their ex boyfriends, I’m going to ask you for some insight.

    My ex broke up with me after 3 1/2 years of being together. It was almost as if it was out of the blue.
    A week after I called her mom, just to thank her for always being nice to me and that I wanted to say goodbye.
    The weird thing is that she had not seen it coming, although my ex talks with her parents about everything.
    A week later I met one of her best female friends, and she said that she didn’t get any straight reasons from my ex, as to why it had happened.
    It all seem like an act of desperation.

    My ex and I did not see each other more than 3 times after the break up, nor have I texted her a lot. The last time we met, I asked her to give me some reasons to why the break up happened. It was tough, but I needed to hear it. The reasons were not that I did something terrible or cheated on her, or if she had found a new guy.
    When I was about to leave she asked my with how I felt about us keeping the contact after some time of not seeing each other.
    I answered: “I’m not sure about it when time has passed, but “yes”. Although I don’t want you to ask me that out of politeness.”
    She understood me and assured that it wasn’t the case.
    I then said that it was important for me that I wouldn’t be the only one contacting for this to work out.
    She agreed and we said our goodbyes.

    NOW it comes to the blocking on FB.
    It has been an ongoing process with her deleting all pictures of us and memories we had together (vacation etc.).
    She even deleted some pictures, not all, on our shared folder on Dropbox..
    After randomly bumping into her the other day, she has now partially blocked me on FB = I cannot se pictures of her, other than her own uploads, or posts from others.
    Our mutual friends, herein my brother, can still see others posts on her wall, as well as pictures of her..

    When I bumped into her it went okay. She even said as I left: “Well talk to each other right?”, and I replied with a “yes, we’ll do that”.

    I cannot fathom the situation. She seems to be very immature about it, and I feel that she is not respecting me, although we are not together anymore.
    The reason I wrote you is that I’m trying to move on. I’ve done my part by not following her on FB, so I don’t notice her presence (or lack of presence in my life), but I just keep getting more and more sad/depressed/and a little angry seeing what she is doing.
    I have asserted myself with the fact that we are not together, and I’m sitting here waiting for her to come back and keep my life at this place. I’m also getting out and meeting new women, but deep down in my heart I hope that some day we might start dating again.

    Btw. she is 21 and I’m 25, if that does anything.

    Best regard,
    Peter

    • James Nelmondo
      Posted Apr 25, 2016 at 11:09 am 0Likes

      Hey there Peter,

      I think the bottom-line here is that just because you’ve broken up, doesn’t mean that she no longer has feelings for you, which is why she may appear desperate or immature. Not because the act of breaking up is desperate or immature, but because the stress and trauma of going through it are inherently destabilizing.

      I’m not entirely sure what the deal is with partially blocking you, but it seems like a reflection of the situation (and potentially her feelings). Not quite willing to lose touch, but also taking steps to clear up emotional debris. It’s also likely that she’s removing pictures that may hurt to stare at, or weaken her resolve.

      It is a little bizarre, but then you’d expect it to be given the emotions involved. It makes spaghetti out of our logic. And it’s likely that the inconsistency of her actions are a reflection of her own battle on the inside. Moving on isn’t a linear process, at least internally, as I’m sure you know better than I do, there’s a lot of back and forth occurring.

  • Lara
    Posted Apr 25, 2016 at 2:48 am 0Likes

    Hi James, Thanks for the response.
    I actually think you guessed right and you’re extremely good. You really read the situation on a deeper level. Btw, the word I told is repented not resented when I told you I said him I’m sorry. I read what I written to you and that changes a little hehe.
    When we argued and he said he didn’t have the obligation he also said if sb impress him at the first song he’d follow right away, and that girl had a dressing sense and good energy. That’s why I think I got angrier and continued arguing. He said he couldn’t be bothered by that. When he was distant and said almost blocked me he also said I gave him stress, said that after he added me on instagram.
    After this when we were again friendly talking in a collab I joined he told my dressing was nice lol looked like trying to redeem what he told before. At the first weeks after the block I seen he was less playful and just talking to the ones he already knew.
    But I gotta be honest with you. I really was interested in him in a romantic sense at the beginning, found him attractive, and still do, but it doesn’t matter. He’s a married person, and for that I cannot pursue him, even because that’s wrong and disrespectable with his wife. I wouldn’t like if I was married and knew a person was surrounding my husband. That also makes me wonder how she accepts him liking those model pics I told you. His wife has an instagram. That also makes me wonder why he couldn’t accept me there while accepting other girls, looked like trying to hide me.
    Anyway, now I just wanted to reconnect to be a singing companion and nothing more than that. The situation itself doesn’t leave other option to me other than being a friend. The way you interpreted his behaviour is very much alike what I also thought. He likes being pampered but got scared when seen my feelings were getting deeper.
    I wanted to say I’m sorry again cause I understood his reaction as something he was freaked out on his privacy. That happened at the same week I called him by his name for the first time.I noticed he looks like a vain a proud person. I’d also already realized he’s a reserved and quiet person, so I assume that’s a reaction out of somebody who don’t like his privacy being “invaded”. Remember he told me his name on private? Maybe he thought I was being stalkerish, but I really wasn’t, I was just curious.
    In my culture it’s not wrong asking these kinds of things to open common ground, is like talking about the weather. He’s an english guy, btw. I read somewhere dutch and english find it wrong asking the job or that personal questions makes them feel belittled, vunerable or weak. That’s just info to close friends or family.
    But I didn’t actually understand what you told I should do…you suggested me to say hey, I think our friendship- flirtatious game is based on mutual attraction, let’s stop playing games and talk like adults? That would be too straightforward, don’t you think so? Now that transparency would scare him off for sure. I’m afraid it would burn the bridge in definite, if I want to be friends again maybe should be tactful.

    • James Nelmondo
      Posted Apr 25, 2016 at 11:33 am 0Likes

      Hey again Lara,

      I think our friendship- flirtatious game is based on mutual attraction, let’s stop playing games and talk like adults? That would be too straightforward, don’t you think so?

      I actually don’t think it’s too straight forward, but only if that’s the goal. If someone you liked was that straight forward with you, I’m sure you’d appreciate it! However, given the fact that he’s married and therefore you said you’re not interested in pursuing him romantically, well, it does change things.

      So now, if I understand the situation correctly, you want to repair your connection with him so that you can continue to collaborate?

      In that case I still wouldn’t call it friendship, more of something like an acquaintance. You don’t need to get personally involved, if that’s all there is to it I’d just keep communication to the topic of interest to you. I.E Singing. Though I do want to say, being half English myself, that the stereotypes are largely untrue. I mean, if personal questions make us uneasy, then what am I doing running a relationship website? :) . It seems more likely to me that he just doesn’t want to commit to having or developing a responsibility towards his numerous “acquaintances”, because they are, in fact, numerous.

      I’m sorry there isn’t much I can add to the discussion here, because beyond avoiding personal questions, I’m not sure what options you have moving forward. If keeping it impersonal is his condition to being “acquaintances” then that’s that. Take it or leave it.

  • Lara
    Posted Apr 26, 2016 at 2:54 pm 0Likes

    He was the one who told me he couldn’t leave me as close cause he didn’t want to be in that situation again, so I suppose we were in fact becoming kinda colleagues-friends. I admit I really was kinda pushy for an informal situation like this, I myself would think doing the same to a person who acted like I did. Maybe I should have left that kind of reaction when it was more developed or sth.
    And yes, that’s right, I wanna reestablish contact to sing with him as an acquaintance only
    So, you are suggesting me to get in touch talking about the singing topic? Ok, so how would you approach that not looking silly or pushy? I’m very afraid to scare him off and ruin my last chances of getting in touch again and having him block me at that chat app as well or being ignored. I’m already feeling down and that’d hurt a lot. I was thinking about approaching the topic telling an I’m sorry for being so intrusive msg and how much I miss our singings(I really do), but I don’t know…

  • Lara
    Posted Apr 26, 2016 at 9:33 pm 0Likes

    He always taken me for granted and thought I’d come on his collabs at a snap of a finger, so that’s why I don’t wanna come off as desperate. Maybe he imagined I’d come running like crazy after him and that’s why it was so easy doing what he did. Guess he’s seen now I won’t cause it’s almost two months since his last contact and a month since my birthday msg. Since he looks like a proud person I doubt he’s going to text back initiating contact. Nobody has ever blocked me, I feel humiliated and hurt. But I just can’t let go of an unsolved issue. I think about it every single day. I’d like to reconnect to make things clear, I’d feel like a weight had been taken from my back if he replied back and we could talk and sort things out. Any suggestion of approach? Maybe you being a guy would know better how to respond and react in this case.
    Thanks so much for making it so much clearer to me and giving some warm piece of advices. =D

    • James Nelmondo
      Posted Apr 27, 2016 at 10:46 am 0Likes

      Hey again Lara,

      How sure are you that it’s pride holding him back? Because if it isn’t then contacting him would not lead to closure, but further confuse matters.

      If it is pride, then he’d probably jump on any semblance of contact as a means to open a discussion. Usually, as I mentioned earlier, I’d advocate just being blunt, but if you want to avoid the potential for rejection or looking desperate you could start with “hello” to see whether or not he’s even willing to answer you.

      Again, I advise against throwing out bait, because it will usually just confuse matters because crumbs alone won’t answers your questions. But at least you’ll know whether blocking you was something deeper than just pride, without putting your ego on the train tracks in the process.

      This is going to sound patronizing, but I really do feel that closure comes from within rather than from being validated by someone else. As you say, most of the insecurity seems to come from being humiliated, taken for granted or looking desperate. These are all partly self-inflicted. Not in the sense that you caused them, his behavior has a hand in that, but in the sense that you are the only one that suffers from their existence. There’s no guarantee that he’s sitting there thinking about this everyday, nor that he considers this “unresolved”.

      Sorry to put it bluntly, but I really do think your best bet is to lay it out openly, because even if silence is then the answer, it will be an answer (because he’ll know how important this is to you). Sure, there’s the potential for hurt/rejection or further humiliation, but it will be clean. It looks to me that what’s killing you right now are the “what ifs”, the anxiety of not knowing, more than anything else. And while you might not have the capability to change his mind, you have the power to force the answers you need; no matter what they are.

      I know you’d prefer a more specific opinion on how to go about contacting him, and I wish I could be of more help, but I really don’t think that it is how you approach him that will determine how things pan out. To me, it seems more important to qualify what closure in this case actually means.

  • Ananda
    Posted May 3, 2016 at 5:21 am 0Likes

    Hi James.
    My ex and I had a terrible argument a couple of weeks ago. He subsequently blocked me on Facebook and Twitter (!), yet I noticed that he periodically unhides his normally hidden “last seen” status on Whatsapp (didn’t block me there hmm). I wonder if he is spying on me, seeking proof that I’m ignoring him? I have not reacted to his blocking (sent him pleas to unblock, etc.). He does this at odd hours (we are both light sleepers). Could it be that he’s conflicted? He is anxious and a bit needy for attention. I’ve never blocked a bf like this on social media, only unfriended. I don’t feel like contacting him through there as I’m still a bit angry and might tell him something hurtful, but don’t want him to feel rejected because I am ignoring him on Whatsapp. Should I initiate contact at some point or wait for him to? I love him but tbh have lost patience with this/ him.

    Thanks!

  • Daisy
    Posted May 3, 2016 at 9:16 am 0Likes

    hey james,
    just want to ask if what does it mean of my dream. This last few weeks i always dreamed my ex… I am now married. What does it mean? I can’t get over when he broke up me 2 years ago, fortunately i met my husband were both heart broken then we decided to settle down. And when he heard the news he blocked me right away with no reasons.

  • Ananda
    Posted May 3, 2016 at 4:57 pm 0Likes

    Hi James.My ex and I had a terrible argument a couple of weeks ago. He subsequently blocked me on Facebook and Twitter (!), yet I noticed that he periodically unhides his normally hidden “last seen” status on Whatsapp (didn’t block me there hmm). I wonder if he is spying on me, seeking proof that I’m ignoring him? I have not reacted to his blocking (sent him pleas to unblock, etc.). He does this at odd hours (we are both light sleepers). Could it be that he’s conflicted? He is anxious and a bit needy for attention. I’ve never blocked a bf like this on social media, only unfriended. I don’t feel like contacting him through there as I’m still a bit angry and might tell him something hurtful, but don’t want him to feel rejected because I am ignoring him on Whatsapp. Should I initiate contact at some point or wait for him to? I love him but tbh have lost patience with this/ him.

    Thanks!

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