Get Your Ex Back The Right Way

Dumper's Remorse, Reconciliation

The Internet has been awash in recent years with a veritable tide of relationship quick-fix solutions that cater to a desperate crowd because they know it sells. This preying usually leads the traumatized dumpee to resort to mind-games which in one form or another attempt to starve and isolate the dumper into contacting the dumpee. Often out of guilt and loneliness — would you really want them back out of pity or for lack of anything better to do while the wait for their next project to swing around?

Even if they did, without any real change the likelihood of successful reconciliation is virtually nonexistent as you’d both be thrust right back where you ended. That’s right, emotional ground-zero.

Put yourself first again

As I have previously detailed at length, amputating contact (no contact) can be beneficial to the dumpee if used to detox and regain emotional stability. Using it as a way of starving the dumper of affection will only lead them to bridge the divide out of loneliness or pity, and we’re looking for more than crumbs.

In order to heal you will need to stop thinking about their intentions and progress. Limiting contact is a fantastic way of achieving this, but make sure you explain why you have taken this route, rather than just ignoring them. If you had to accept that they needed time alone, whether temporarily or permanently, they must accept that you will do what you think is right for yourself.

In taking a stand you will also gain a measure of respect in both their eyes, and your own. You may realize, perhaps for the first time since the break up, that you have power over yourself, and are not being thrown around in the current. By putting yourself first you are potentially (if the chance prevents itself) paving the way to a far more efficient reason for reconciliation. One born of respect and not pity.

Find yourself and rebuild

Solidity and independence are more than just peaceful states of mind, they are also contagious and attractive. In order for reconciliation to happen you must have made a serious and demonstrable effort to achieve some self-improvement.

Ironically, the best strategy for reconciliation is one that does not incorporate your ex in any form. It will depend on your ability to introspectively react, regain your drive and move forward with your life.

Take everyday as it comes, enjoy the company of your friends (although you may want to avoid mutual friends for now — trust me — you don’t want to hear about your ex!) and family. Making fresh friendships and memories is even better. Build a new comfort zone, teach your brain (via repetition) to adapt this new reality — and you’re old one will lose its traumatic effect. Indulge in some guilty pleasures but keep a lid on excess. It is not uncommon for dumpees to either gain a lot of weight or lose it (among many other examples) and “letting go” may end up grievously impacting your health and already fragile self-esteem in the long run.

Won’t the dumper just get on with their lives even faster?

Tagging along and suffocating them will drive them further away far quicker than taking a time-out ever well. Guaranteed. If reconciliation does occur, it won’t be because you were in their face with a fake laugh, masquerading as a friend, or a self-defeating shoulder to lean on (use that energy on yourself!). It will be because they will begin to see you in a new light, accompanied by feelings of renewed romantic interest and respect for your new-found strength.

Sometimes, no matter what you do, they will get on with their lives. It’s really that simple. But the more you work on yourself and get on with your life, the easier this concept will be to digest. It is not rare for a dumper to attempt to reconcile with the dumpee in the future only to have the once-distraught dumpee realize they simply aren’t interested anymore. It’s more common than you think. The dumpee will have changed — for the better.

Getting your ex back

Once the dust has settled, and you feel no anger or bitterness regarding your ex, you can begin to think about getting your ex back (if they haven’t attempted to contact you already) and paving the way to reconciliation. To illustrate my point, the following concepts must not make you feel uneasy:

  • She/he has probably been dating.
  • They may have a new flame.
  • They may refuse.
  • They may feel angry, bitter or confused.
  • They may not be (even physically) who you remember.

If you can accept all of those considerations consider yourself ready. But far more importantly, remember that reconciliation is also the time for you to reflect about whether or not they are what you want. Make the meeting casual and light-hearted, avoid talking about the relationship and get a feel for change that may have occurred in them. If you were a good dumpee then you will have attempted to make an objective list of your personal relationship mistakes and made a note of them, but have they? Just because they dumped you does not mean they were perfect, and as time goes by, you will realize they were far from it. We’re all human.

Your introspection will have increased your experience, strength and value. There is every chance that you deserve far, far more by the end of it all. The beauty of being a dumpee lies in the fact that you only have one road to travel — yours. You will never be blinded by what-ifs and feelings of losing someone the way a dumper potentially can. And in of itself, this is very relieving indeed.


James Nelmondo

James Nelmondo

James "the Unknown" Nelmondo is a self-styled relationship enthusiast, former infant, part-time dumper and full-time dumpee.


Comments

  1. I have a situation that I feel relates in part to this article and is really confusing for me. Any thoughts on how to handle it would be greatly appreciated. I really love this girl and don’t want to lose any chance at reconciliation.

    My girlfriend of two years broke up with me about a month ago. She said that she needs to be on her own to address her personal issues that affected our relationship. Prior to the breakup we took a one month “break”, which was her decision. The break was prefaced with communication about my issues more so than hers. I admitted where I made mistakes and promised to address them. I started seeing a therapist about my fears of commitment which had been an issue. She seemed really optimistic. After our last meeting before the break, she told me she loved me. She insisted that the time could be really good for us to work out our own negative patterns. Really good for our relationship. She kissed me as I left her apartment.

    After the break she emailed me saying it was over. That she needed to be alone to work on her own personal issues. I’m guessing maybe in regard to her anxiety issues which are quite prevalent and are a constant concern for her in her daily life. She then said that maybe if we both put in time and effort to be healthier, we could be together in the future.
    She stated that she was only comfortable communicating in email. And to keep contact at the minimum for a few months.
    I didn’t respond right away and got an email a week later saying that she wants to get closure so that she can get to healing and growing so that she can see if its possible for us to have a future together.

    I told her I would contact her soon.
    She apologized for asking that of me.
    I then ran into her when she went to see an art exhibition I was a part of (I don’t think she expected me to be there). she got so upset. Kept hugging me. We talked and I did my best to reassure her that everything is okay and that these are healthy steps we are taking. She said she was so afraid that I was in shambles or really angry at her. I wasn’t angry but was frustrated over an email break up not giving me a chance to speak after our break. But I told her it was okay that she needed to communicate that way. She said it was too hard because she would get too emotional.
    We both were confused about running into eachother. She said she kinda wanted to just hang out. But is still too upset. I suggested that it seemed like one month wasn’t enough to sort out our personal issues. She agreed that she needed more time.
    She told me that when she’s more in control of her emotions we could hang out. and talk about things. And that there’s so much she wants to tell me about how things have been going.
    She hugged me and cried again as she left.
    She emailed me that night apologizing for crying. And saying how happy she was to see me.
    I then sent her an official reply to her break up email. Basically saying that I understand and respect her decision and her need for space. That I’m devestator but also that I see an opportunity for us both to grow. And that I’m making changes so I can be better myself in whatever relationship I end up in.
    She responded telling me that it makes her hopeful to hear me say such things. She apologized again for making us speak in email and said that her emotions are still to hard to manage and that it totally surprised her, reacting so strongly when she saw me the weekend before. That because we weren’t ready for a fully committed relationship, this time apart could be just what we need to become ready. She told me I’m her first real love (we are both 30 and have been in other long term relationships before)

    So that’s where I stand now. Anyone have any thoughts on how to understand that?
    She sent me in total four emails that mention a potential future together. But also saying we need to be apart to prepare ourselves for that. That she needs to close this chapter of our relationship in order to see if another is possible.
    Everytime we see eachother, before the break when things seemed really bad, when I ran into her after breaking up, we always seem to connect. We go from her being either distant or upset to me making her laugh and smile. I keep my wits together but sill let her know I care.
    I’ve been dumped before and this one feels so different. Like we are still connected.
    Right before the break I had finally decided I intended to work on our relationship and see if we can build it into a fully functioning, satisfying and commuted healthy relationship. Then right before I take those steps, she breaks it off with me.
    We hadn’t had a real argument in like a year or more. Just difficulty with anxiety and my commitment issues. Now I see a lot was affected by her anxiety as well. But we didn’t talk about that.
    We are both in the same school and are going in the same direction with life. It seems like we could have a great future together…I don’t wanna lose at least the opportunity to try. To get another chance.
    Any thoughts?
    Sorry for the run on storytelling. I’m really not sure what to do. Was going to send her one more short email then I guess commit to not contacting her for a couple months so she can sort her feelings out.

    Does it seem like she actually could want a future? She’s a sincere person so I don’t see how she could be intentionally misleading me..

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