This article will discuss how best to deal with the two biggest problems that breaking up with a loved one can cause. How to deal with the loss and grief that breaking up entails, and how to minimize the pain and torment of the person we’re breaking up with.
Correctly tackling both of these scenarios at the outset will greatly hasten recovery and healing for both the dumper and the dumpee, eliminate false hope, assuage long-term bitterness and help both individuals transition into healthy new lives without crushing vital self-esteem. If things aren’t working out, and you have no idea where to start, consider the following truism.
There’s No Such Thing As An Easy Let Down
Accept that no matter which way the wind blows there will be pain on both sides, but be upfront and honest about the reasons for the break up. Once the initial Q&A session is over (ideally, the more exhaustive this one-time event is, the better and more respectful it is), it is usually best to limit contact to mails and other impersonal methods of communication (contact may be unavoidable in certain scenarios, but be adamant about erecting personal boundaries).Blaming yourself, life or confusion in order to safeguard your ex’s feelings is the quickest way to confuse them and instill a sense of false hope (they may listlessly wait for you to return to normal). As cruel as it may initially sound, an honest clean break with limited contact is the most efficient way for both of you to move on, assuming the break up itself was handled with a great deal of transparency.
Put Yourself First Again
Love can bind us into absurd compromises regarding our own happiness without us realizing they have been made. Most relationships contain an addictive element which will need to be suppressed in order to move on. While it is true that being dumped is especially traumatic because of rejection, it is equally true that your life, your future and your happiness are no less important than theirs.
By all means be apologetic about your shortcomings, mistakes and the fact that it didn’t work out, but you should never have to apologize for taking steps to improve your own life. Don’t let guilt or sympathy whittle your resolve away, they will only lengthen your healing process and confuse the dumpee.
It is entirely natural to miss someone even when there is no real wish to reconcile. After-all, they were an important part of your life, and you will have a history together. Having said that, resist the temptation to reach out to the dumpee in low moments, no matter how tantalizing it is.
Not only do you risk confusing yourself, but remember also that crumbs are a dumpee’s worst nightmare because they will undoubtedly begin to over-analyze your messages and be thrown back to the beginning of the healing process.
Tie As Many Loose Ends As Possible
Remember that any form of contact will usually set you both back in the healing process. You’ll want to make sure there are no outstanding reasons that will force you both to come face-to-face at some point. This may include:
- Getting all your stuff back/returning theirs as soon as possible.
- Making sure mutual friends respect your privacy (and theirs). Sideline those who aren’t capable of keeping their lips sealed!
- Settling issues regarding debts, projects or work.
- Saying your goodbyes to their family (this is debatable, as they will undoubtedly understand your need to disappear).
All of these things should take place immediately after your breakup. If, for some reason, fate has thrown you both in the same pot, feel free to use a friend as an envoy if you have the feeling that the meeting would be uncomfortable.
The Honesty Policy
As bleak and as traumatizing as breaking up with someone you love is, confide in time’s ability to dim the pain for both of you. If you were honest and strong during the breakup, and once new comfort zones have been erected for both parties involved, a deep sense of caring and respect will persist through time. Attempting to think for both of you will only lead to more questions and additional confusion. While it may seem kinder on the surface, the pain will continue to resurface.