Breakup trauma is often a potent catalyst for change, and chances are that the deep well of emotional silence that follows separation has caused you to become objective about aspects of the relationship that you initially took for granted.
Should change have realistically occurred (and you aren’t simply attempting to manipulate interest in order to curry favor), the need to convey this change can become overwhelming, particularly when you are sure that it could work this time around.
Here are what I consider to be the five best ways to convey the notion of change, without risking looking needy, manipulative or delusional in the process.
1. Actions Speak Louder Than Words
An ex that may continue to leave the window open for reconciliation will be cagey when it comes to protecting their feelings. And as such, they will be highly suspicious of any verbal affirmation of change. To some extent, if they know you want to reconcile, they may even come to expect it.
By not making a show of communicating change we naturally compel an ex to ask themselves if, and how we’ve changed without our prompting. If, on the other hand, we attempt to “dig in” the fact that we are either better off, or have changed into their subjective ideal of perfection over-night, we will be judged negatively (whether these changes are real or not).
Embrace positive change (even if it is painful) for its own sake, and you improve your chances as a result of directly being the change you wish to convey.
2. Feelings Over Reason
Reason and logic are highly overrated catalysts of attraction. You can’t really reason someone out of falling out of love, nor can you logically persuade them to fall in love again.
What we can do, is repair what is usually lost during the downward spiral of a relationship.
By using the term intimacy I’m not solely referring to affection or sex, but the camaraderie, friendship and reasons you really fell in love to begin with. Do not allow fear, insecurity or grief to define you.
If the window for reconciliation occurs, focusing on feelings rather than attempting to plug insecurity is by far the most constructive route. Breaking the insecurity spiral this way is also a surefire way to show positive change.
3. Don’t Burn Your Bridges
While I do advocate embracing change without directly communicating it, if we burn our communicative bridges (including mutual acquaintances) our exs may never catch a whiff of all our glorious change. Additionally, putting our lives and needs first does not necessarily mean sticking stoically to no contact. It simply means resisting the urge to “make a point”.
If we wish to show our exs how we’ve changed, we need an open window of contact, but we have to make sure we don’t abuse this opportunity, or it might tighten and close. If we’re going to subtly make a self referential point, it must be pertinent to the discussion, light-hearted and as indirect as possible.
4. Give It Time
A two-week no contact siesta is not long enough for introspective change to occur, although it can feel like an eternity. If we attempt to prove how much we’ve changed after such a short period of time, we are bound to crash head-first into their defensive wall of doubt. Ideally, the longer the wait, the higher our chances of being believed.
This break is also of fundamental importance to the dumpee as well as the dumper. As it allows us to become objective about our own expectations. And is of use transforming trauma-induced needs, into objective wants.
Change should never only happen on one-side of the emotional equation. If things weren’t panning out, there is usually the need for change on all fronts. Give it time, not only for their sake, but also for your sake.
5. Do It With A Smile
Humor is a great way to round-up all points made in this article in a powerful little bundle of awesomeness. It denotes interior strength, change and shreds any semblance of insecurity and manipulation from our communication.
It is a subtle, yet highly effective tool to show our ex how we’ve changed positively. But beyond all other considerations that may hinge on reconciliation, it also propels us forward with regards to our own cycle of healing. And come what may, it will naturally prepare us for the worst and begin to passively topple the foundations of grief itself.