Why You Miss The Boyfriend You Dumped

Perhaps it happened due to stress, perhaps they did the unforgivable, or perhaps you simply underestimated what your emotional reaction would be. Whatever the case may be, they are now gone — and they have taken your peace of mind with them.

Don’t Trust Trauma

No matter how unhealthy a relationship was, the act of tearing apart a cemented routine will almost always lead to a degree of separation pain. It is going to hurt. But it doesn’t mean the breakup was a bad idea.

Before we even begin to look at how to bridge the divide with our exs, it always pays to ask ourselves what is fueling our breakup pain. Is it loneliness or genuine loss? Do we need them or want them? Are we in the grip of panic and trauma, or is our decision objective? If the answer to any of these questions revolves predominantly around fear or insecurity, attempting reconciliation will probably lead to a case of history repeating, because while trauma will pass, the reasons that led to the breakup remain.

Bear in mind that panic quite literally changes the way we think. During trauma, the subconscious mind is hellbent on resurrecting the past, because even though it may not have been a particularly fulfilling routine, it was nevertheless relatively comfortable and safe compared to braving a new, great unknown. Your conscious mind may wish to move on, but your subconscious mind won’t allow it.

Before you lunge for the phone, ask yourself what your underlying motivaton is. If it is primarily a way of reducing loneliness or insecurity, I would urge giving it more time. Ideally until objectivity has settled in, allowing you to make better long-term decisions.

Fear Of Reaching Out

If you’re sure that you genuinely miss him (and aren’t simply looking for an ego-driven upper), you’re going to want to contact him at some point in order to quell the painful “what-ifs” that might otherwise plague you (although as far as I’m concerned closure itself is a fallacy). The honesty policy is painful, in that you risk rejection or backlash, but it will ease stress and improve your chances in the long-term.

But contacting out of the blue can be tricky, and cause more resentment and grief than necessary. If you’re going to contact, make sure you avoid mistakes that will hurt your chances of establishing the lines of communication:

  • Avoid sending mixed signals in order to gauge his intent without risking rejection. Be transparent instead.
  • Don’t play emotional tit-for-tat and avoid confrontation. Focus instead on rekindling camaraderie. Become a positive association, not an enduring painful trigger.
  • Use an impersonal medium of communication first (such as a text). It will reduce tension and promote objectivity.
  • Be prepared to deal with pride, resentment and insecurity. You will probably have to weather a few bumps.
  • Silence is an answer, don’t insist.

The most important thing to realize is that he will be very wary of exposing himself to further  emotional hurt.Trust will be low, even if he desperately wishes to reconcile. Draw the communication out, and take all the time you need. Do not allow the fear of him moving on to cause you to dive head-first into a terminal downward spiral of resentment.

Don’t Forget Your Needs

If you were the dumper, it is natural to feel a little indebted toward the dumpee. After-all, you may feel guilty that you caused needless grief.

Don’t.

If the reasons that propelled you to break up with him were legitimate, you have nothing to apologize for (unless of course you really, really did screw up). Apologizing is understandable, but you should never feel compelled to compromise your needs in order to make amends or demonstrate good will.

Reconciling should promote a better life for everyone involved. If trust and respect have been terminally compromised the relationship may not be salvageable. Or at least not yet.

Consider your own well-being as critically and objectively as possible before sending that text. Pain and loneliness are part and parcel of any breakup, and as such will pass. But throwing yourself headlong into the emotional fray once more, only as a way to quell the pain of the present, is a surefire way to have to go through it all again and again and again.

About the author

James Nelmondo

James "the Unknown" Nelmondo is a self-styled relationship enthusiast, former infant, part-time dumper and full-time dumpee.

10 Comments

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  • This is the 2nd article, of your blog I actually browsed.
    But yet I personally love this 1, “Help! I Dumped My Boyfriend
    But I Miss Him” the best. Thank you -Tatiana

  • Thanks so much for answering my questions on the other post Unknown, so helpful, learning how another person behaves in traumatic situations, does help me not take it so personally, very grateful for your insight.
    However, even though im not the dumper at current, this is still a great article to read how the dumpers can often feel. Im still on the fence seeing which direction to take with my dumper, may it be a hope of a reconciliation down the track or to open the door to just friendship only.
    But to get to that point, I do have a question, apparently I was what he wanted in a girlfriend & we both wanted to take it to the next level, but there was a lot of confusion/hurt towards the end due to outside influence on his behalf, which involved a parent, and even though I had never met them, his mom did not approve of me. I feel the relationship fell apart not because he didn’t love me but because my ex couldn’t stand up to his mom or change her mind about us.
    I have never been in a situation like this or seen this before, that is why I am not sure if this is something that can ever be mended even on a friendship level? Im guessing this is why he is also acting out, being distant and playing games, I feel he is not being true to his own heart. I would like to reach out on a fship level, but Im not sure if Im playing with fire given his mom’s wishes. any thoughts?

    Thank you sincerely

    • Hey again Bonnie,

      This one slipped by my radar for some reason! Unfortunately my feedback here it a little brutal.

      I’m of two minds about friendship. On the plus side it does help the reconciliation process because it provides a better and comfortable outlet for honesty and communication. But I don’t think the greatest threat to establishing this is not his mother’s approval. It is the fact the he requires it to begin with.

      Standing up to her should be a personal introspective dawning, devoid of solicitation, or (and again, this is my personal opinion) it will just happen again. On top of this, if it was stress and pressure, rather than one single piece of the puzzle, that led to the relationship’s demise. Pushing for confrontation or change might make matters worse, not better. Perhaps he may have been suffocated by all this.

      I’m aware of how tortuous ending things on a big “what if” can be. And I’m not insinuating this is a lost cause (feedback on this website has taught me that it rarely is!). I just think that he needs space and time to straighten out his insecurity. Sometimes breakups are what is needed in order to iron out fragility.

      P.S: I just realized how topsy turvy my logic here is, my main point is that of de-stressing the connection. To me, it sounds like he was just overloaded by feelings. His mother’s pressure might have been the straw that broke the camel’s back. Once the trauma passes, so might his drive to escalate the relationship. Friendship is a great way to do this, of course, assuming the new friendship is about enjoying each others company and not about pushing for a resolution (or it might backfire).

  • Hi there :-) Just a quick stop, I understand you must be inundated with queries and you may not have the time to answer them all, if its easier, do you have a link or article that might relate to the above query? if there is something similar that could give me some insight. Otherwise, thank you Im grateful for your previous time :-)

  • Aren’t you wonderful Unknown, this is much more than I could of asked for,.
    Btw, I haven’t seen many articles that talk about dating Momma’s boy’s, would be an interesting read if you ever get a chance to write one, thanks again this an awesome site :-)

    • Thanks a lot for the feedback, this site means a lot to me, and it keeps me going! I’m actually looking for article topics nowadays, but I’m not sure about that one. It might come off as a little condescending I think. I’m not sure how I’d go about packaging that article without it sounding a little obnoxious (I’d feel compelled to write a “this is just my opinion” disclaimer after every sentence! :)

    • Yes, I see your point :)
      Though fantastic articles here, im having a great read through them, they are very helpful. My friend actually recommended these reads for me, and must say have been some kind of help. thanks Unknown.

    • Thank you! I’m glad they’ve been of some use.

      Please also extend my thanks to your friend for spreading the word, as you can imagine not many people share this kind of stuff on Facebook and so on, (understandably) so getting the word out can be a nightmare!