Is the relationship over for good or do you still have your chances at reconciling?
Use this quiz to see what I think your chances are based on several typical post-breakup behavioral cues.
Attention
This quiz assumes the breakup has already occured, however, many of the questions apply to situations where the relationship is deteriorating as well.
Is It Really Over?
What scenario best describes communication in your relationship?
Burnout Vs. Distance
Reconciliation requires communication. However, if your ex isn't talking (but the lines of communication remain open) there are still some chances this is about burnout rather than a terminal loss of interest.
An ex suffering from relationship burnout might not want to engage or talk, but will be wary of shutting you out because they will want to keep their options open.
Looking back, how impulsive was the decision to breakup?
Statistically speaking...
In general, impulsive breakups tend to lead to reconciliation more often than decisions taken over long stretches of time.
Poor communication, coupled with a buildup of stress can lead to situations where an ex needs to create distance in order to emotionally detox.
Whether or not this is the case will depend on how far back you can trace the relationship's malaise. If this is something a long time in the making, and the breakup was delivered in a cold, measured and rational way, chances are the odds of successfully reconciling are not in your favor.
Conversely, if the breakup was a result of a heated argument, taken in a moment of high stress, it is likely that the problem lies in poor relationship communication rather than incompatibility or a lull in romantic interest. Remember, anger and pain are a result of caring deeply!
If you were to text your ex right now, how long would it take for them to respond?
Non verbal cues.
Sometimes what is said is less telling than how.
Even if your ex is -- on the face of it all -- angry and detached, a better way of telling what you mean to them is measuring whether or not you still have their attention.
An ex who is done with you will attempt to gather as much distance as possible, and you no longer be a priority. This will usually be reflected in their communication.
If you text or call them and they are quick to answer, even if the answer isn't exactly heartwarming, chances are you are still considered important enough to drop what they're doing and command their immediate attention.
Of course, context is important here. So if you are "immediately" told to back off, it probably isn't a sign they are pining for you.
Are they playing mind games with you?
Not sure what I mean? Examples can be found here.
Playing themselves
Playing mind games means they still have emotions invested but are fearful of direct communication.
These (usually transparent) games are a way of baiting a reaction out of you, without having to face rejection or further pain by asking you point-blank for the answers they need.
The fact that this is all fear-driven is a clue that they continue to care, because if they didn't none of this would be worth the effort.
If your ex is in a new relationship, which of these scenarios best describes their behavior?
The rebound relationship
Not all new relationships are rebounds. Some do stand the test of time.
To learn more about identifying a rebound relationship and what it means with regards to your chances, please check this article.
Which of these pictures most accurately describes your ex's feelings for you (take a guess).
Non verbal cues.
Our gut instinct is more than just misplaced guess work. It is the accumulation of non-verbal cues and messaging that we cannot put into words.
Our gut feelings regarding a situation are often more telling than we think, because they are based on evidence we have not consciously processed.
However it is also important to not overly romanticize these "feelings", but examine them carefully an attempt to translate them into statements backed by evidence.
Was your ex able to detail the reason for the breakup in a concise way?
The straw that broke the camel's back
When strong emotions are involved there are many variables that can prevent clear communication.
- This may be because they want to protect your feelings.
- Avoid drama and tension by giving you a soft (and confusing) letdown.
- Being driven by a physiological need to create distance (needing to escape).
And on...
A confusing breakup usually denotes a confused state of mind. If you have no idea where you stand, it is likely because your ex has no idea where you stand either. But this does not mean that they don't care.
Conversely, if you are given crystal-clear reasons for the breakup, and they seem measured and in control with the decision, chances are the decision to breakup has been solidified and there is little wiggle-room left to negotiate reconciliation.
Does your ex talk about the relationship when communicating currently?
Historical Analysis
Simply put; an ex who wants no part of the past will seek to build a future without that past in it.
An ex who initiates a conversation centered around your broken relationship is still seeking solutions to that relationship, and thus, in a sense, has not yet left its protective shell.
If your ex avoids all talk of the past that is usually a sign that is where the relationship belongs.
How do you feel about your ex's actions post-breakup?
Does your ex initiate post-breakup communication?
About mixed messages and crumbs
Time is our most precious commodity and what we do with it can lay bare our intentions.
If our ex, despite the decision to breakup, continues to teeter on the edge of our lives. Usually by initiating sporadic contact. It may be a sign they are having trouble letting go.
Unless their reason for contacting you is crystal-clear (they need something specific), it is likely that they are attempting to keep the connection alive by reminding you they are there.
Confusing? Absolutely. That's why we call these messages crumbs, because it is enough to whet your appetite without offering anything substantial.
Does this mean they want to reconcile? Not necessarily. Breakups are inherently traumatic, not just because of romantic separation, but because you are essentially destroying all your routines and reference points. They may feel lost or lonely without them, but that does not mean they wish to reconcile.
Is It Really Over?
What Now?
Feelings are often confusing, and that makes formulating an action plan almost impossible.
Before making the quiz I was certain that almost all the participants (yes you) would fall into the “undecided” category. Which, on testing, seems largely what has happened.
Let me be clear: Context is king when it comes to reconciling.
Your history.
Your story.
Your everything, together with your ex, is a self-contained adventure. It has its own rules that few outside of it can comprehend.
The only scenarios that are easily predictable are those that feature a hard yes and a hard no. If you ended up having either or these results, then I’m sure you knew beforehand what the result would be.
For the rest of us, confusion and doubt will be the hallmark of our chances. That’s just the nature of the game, because that’s the nature of the cyclicality of our feelings. It’s what having something to lose does to our behavior. It transmutes everything into chaos.
The good news is that having something to lose means you still have something invested. And this goes for your ex as well. So don’t throw in the towel just yet.
