Are you beginning to think that your relationship is merely a means to an end? If that’s the case here’s a selection of typical signs that your boyfriend is using you for more than just your company.
Be on the lookout for boyfriends who attempt to trivialize their incessant demands for money by:
- Making you feel guilty for withholding the money and demanding a tangible cause.
- Making initially dubious and then increasingly outlandish claims once those original reasons prove to be bogus (as you suspected).
- Using emotional force or exploiting your fear of confrontation.
- Making you feel superficial or crass for taking a stand about something “as vulgar” as your finances.
You’ll notice that in almost all cases of being used financially, the excuses all make a half-baked appeal to the relationship rather than attempt to stand on their own two feet.
Somehow, despite this being about them getting a free ride, it’s suddenly about your sense of trust, or your generosity and support as a partner.
This is the emotional gambit that is commonly played to distract from the otherwise self-evident truth.
To keep you from seeing the game being played, they need to keep you locked inside your insecurity, fencing with the guilt and indecision they instilled in you.
If your boyfriend is aware that his demands are no longer sustainable, he may attempt to lay the blame on an unfortunate and “temporary” set of circumstances to attempt to buy time.
This illusion works because there are many valid reasons why temporary stress can pressure a relationship. It’s easy to muddy the waters and make laziness look like ill-fortune.
Being suddenly laid off is a conspicuous example of a temporary problem. This is an unfortunate but understandable part of life we can all relate to. It happens, and temporarily leaning on you makes sense because given time the problem aught to correct itself. Right?
Wrong. There is another type of boyfriend, one whose “temporary” circumstances are nothing but an attempt to leech time and resources. This point is less about using you as an individual than it is about keeping whatever lifestyle he has afloat (which he can’t sustain without your help).
If you live in a world of constant excuses, where nothing ever changes, and where they never attempt to take a single concrete step towards whatever goal they promised you about, you are probably being used.
If temporary sounds a lot like permanently to you by now, then at best you are being taken for granted, at worst you are being willfully deceived.
The Influence Peddler.
The influence peddler views the relationship as a means to an end rather than from a standpoint of long term romantic commitment.
In short, the relationship is useful (and because it is useful, it also has an expiry date).
To a boyfriend like this, you represent a stepping-stone to something of value. Make no mistake, you are not the end-goal of the relationship, something or someone else is.
Perhaps he wants a way into your coveted social circles. Maybe he’s looking to worm his way into the family business. Or perhaps the relationship as a whole is the cover he needs to present a clean face to the world.
Whatever it is, it should become obvious that you are not the priority you initially hoped you were. Sooner rather than later you will come to realize that the relationship is based on a set of inviolable “conditions”. If you break this subtle contract (that you never agreed to), the relationship will outlive its usefulness and collapse so that he can find a new source.
If you want to know what he’s after, it’s the presence of these “conditions” that will give him away.
The true playboy is not the quintessential passionate lover who takes you by storm and then disappears into the sunset, off on another adventure without you.
No. The real playboy tends to play a far more sinister and subtle game. A calculated dance that is as self-serving as it is callous.
The playboy will seek, above all else, to make himself invaluable and resplendent, so that he can control the relationship by virtue of overshadowing you. In short, you will be made to feel “lucky” to have him.
This is a finely crafted lie that can only work if he constantly reinforces the illusion. The result is an ever-growing pile of lies that keeps on growing, feeding off itself. And every-time you strike a lie down he creates another to replace it. The game never ends.
Ironically, the playboy is a fragile and broken individual, who uses your strength and empathy to fill the gaps in his own character, all while claiming the credit.
The truth is that he needs to feel in command in order to fend off that which he fears the most: Self-judgment.
The Insurance Agent
Two words spring immediately to mind: Controlling and over-protective. The insurance agent attempts to manage his fear by trapping you in a prison of his own insecurity.
The insurance agent’s modus operandi typically looks a little something like this:
- He may attempt to impose limits on your social life (no male friends, etc).
- He may attempt to craft your routine for you.
- He may attempt to impose curfews and micromanage your public life.
- He may attempt to decide what roles each of you fulfill in the relationship (you cook, he drives, etc).
The list goes on.
The real tragedy here is that he is cunning enough to convince a well-meaning partner that these changes are for their sake, when they are nothing other than a bandage for his own sense of fear and uncertainty. This isn’t about you.
If you feel simultaneously trapped and guilty in your relationship, chances are you are dealing with an overly jealous or possessive partner. Both of these character manifestations are typical of the insurance agent boyfriend.
The key here is recognizing that this prison is erected solely to protect his feelings, and not in any way to protect the relationship. It is a self-serving house of cards to crumbles the minute you realize you are being used to shore up holes in his character. He knows this, and so these controlling tendencies are likely to strengthen if he feels his noose slipping.