Approaching a subject as all encompassing as attraction (both intellectual and aesthetic) is very difficult for the simple reason that there are three main actors that contribute to the frustrating world of flirting. In this article I am going to go over what I consider to be the three barriers to attraction, and how they tend to erect false and decidedly surmountable obstacles.
I have decided to write this article in checklist form, in order to make it easier to self-assess. Obviously, none of us are perfect, and not all of these preconditions can be solved or met. It is my honest belief that becoming fully conscious of each of these points however, and how they speak of you to the outside world, can drastically affect your chances at attracting and keeping what you want in your life. Without further a-do, let’s start from the very beginning.
Enemy number one: Ourselves
Self-confidence: Being confident in one’s own worth is more than just a rosy glow in the pit of your stomach. It is the realization that you have value. In dating terms this equates to the practice of evening the playing field, and is infinitely important, and an often undervalued catalyst to attraction. This can seem counter-intuitive to many. Surely resistance breeds contempt? The truth is that excess and chronic self-sacrifice denotes lack of self-worth and value. If you’re asking yourself why your consistency and altruism seem to reward you with a polite hand-shake and an adieu, it’s time to start manifesting worth and build self confidence. For instance:
- Don’t be afraid of disagreeing with your date (politely — add a non condescending smile for bonus points).
- Erect personal boundaries and insist on their being respected.
- Tease, tease, tease.
- Don’t be afraid to laugh at them, or yourself.
- Don’t needlessly flatter, do it honestly and sparsely (exalting them will wither your sense of value in their eyes).
Fear of failure: Most dating scenarios end up with one or both parties drifting apart even when attraction is subconsciously palpable. The reason is simple; nobody is willing to accept potential rejection. If you find that most of your dates fall into this category over time, it is simply a question of embracing fear and taking a leap (even rejection can often seem liberating because that tantalizing what if is no longer there in the background).
Negativity: We’re all looking for someone to make our lives better. Even if you are not negative, nervousness and shyness can make us appear insecure. Most dates will have to make snap judgments regarding who you are, looking for comfort too quickly, whining about our exes and even our body language can convey a false and detrimental image of who we are. I certainly don’t advocate being fake or manic, but I find it is healthy to remind myself that the primary objective in dating is fun-first. Desire and not need. This change in perspective can often be enough to make the other person comfortable and creates a positive association with meeting you.
Enemy number two: Non-verbal body language
You might be surprised to know that the vast majority of communication between two people is non-verbal. This is even more true when it comes to attraction. Correcting and learning about our body language is not only fun, it is astounding in it’s ability to change our fortunes. I recently wrote an article on male body language, if you decide to read it you’ll see what I mean!
Body language necessitates an article all to itself, in summary however, the objective is to change our subconscious to the conscious. To become aware of what we are saying with our body. Generally speaking, we want to change a closed posture to an open one. This means:
- Varying our tone of voice (indicates interest).
- Not crossing our arms (indicates disinterest).
- Not slouching (boredom).
- Smiling (interest, comfort and fun).
- Turning towards the object of our attention (interest).
- Looking in their eyes (desire, attention).
- And on…
When you next take a stroll through a crowded area, take a look at couples, or friends and notice what their body language says about them. You’ll notice that the more attached they seem to be, the more they copy each other. This is known as rapport. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and is a fantastic way to start off any date (subtly)!
Enemy number three: Them
No matter how hard we try, we’ll eventually run into — yes, exactly. Idiots. They will feign genuine interest in order to further their own agenda and then pull a disappearing act, or worse. Unfortunately, there’s no real way around this. The only thing we can do is realize that it isn’t personal — and that it isn’t a reflection of what we deserve.
The real question is, however, how can we dodge the bullet and protect ourselves? Here’s my take:
- Extend the dating process until you are confident that thing’s are progressing the way you want them to. This means not taking a back-seat role in the dating process.
- Scrub away any bubbling traces of dependency of expectation from your mind as they emerge.
- Put yourself first.
- Expect compromise (on both sides).
- Expect constancy.
- Expect respect.
- Remain independent during the dating process (have options).
- Remain wary of possible rebound relationships.
- And on…
If a relationship progresses it will be because it is laid on a foundation of trust and respect, which can take a great deal of time. Feeling like you’re missing out, or that you’re in a rush only compounds an existing primordial fear of abandonment and solitude. By working on yourself, developing value and demanding value in return, you are prepping yourself for something better and increasing your attractiveness at the same time!