Subtle Signs That Reveal Your Ex Boyfriend Misses You

Almost every breakup scenario will lead to a degree of missing the other person, even if there is no real desire to reconcile or repair the relationship on behalf of the dumper (more on this later).

The primary risk that dumpees run is over-analyzing post-breakup contact and confusing the dumper’s care and concern with his or her actually being in love.

Does your ex miss you? Almost certainly to some degree. But is it enough?

In this article, I will be outlining my views regarding whether he will miss you romantically, or as a long-time friend, and how to tell the difference.

He’s All Over The Place

angry man in front of computer

An ex boyfriend who misses you could act angrily or apologetically, and frankly, anywhere in between. The key to piercing his smokescreen is simple, the lines of communication remain open (even if he acts like he hates you).

Bear in mind that anger and aggressiveness stem from hurt and hurt implies caring — if he had truly moved on you would not hear from him again. Indifference is the only sure sign he wants nothing to do with you — but it can be tricky to tell whether his ignoring you is genuine, or an attempt to provoke a reaction. Here are a few indicators that his withdrawal result from hurt rather than genuine disinterest:

  • He may not initiate contact but responds swiftly to your messages, emails and calls.
  • His reactions are heated and emotional.
  • He tries to “dig in” the fact that he is now better off without you, has moved on, or is incessant in his attempts to cement the fact that you’re now missing out (this includes material things such as losing weight, getting a raise e.t.c).
  • He subtly reaches out through mutual acquaintances. Or finds other indirect ways to probe your mind state.
  • He is forced to speak in crumbs, because being honest is too painful (he has too much to lose).

Not all men are prone to playing games, however. Second-guessing every little facet of his behavior only leads to disillusionment and confusion. My advice would be to take communication (or lack thereof) at face value. If you have questions ask them honestly and directly without resentment.

About Crumbs

crumbs of contact

Don’t confuse sporadic contact with an attempt at reconciliation. A break up is a devastating loss for all parties involved, and they may miss your companionship and have trouble moving on, even if they have no desire to reconcile.

Because of this, it is not uncommon to receive messages that range from “I miss you” to “You will always be special” and so on. These messages are usually a way for the dumper quell their own maelstrom of guilt in an attempt to move on.

Be firm in your stance against receiving these mixed messages. I have often been caught in these post-breakup loops, where the dumper and dumpee continue to message each other in this way, but with entirely different intentions. In the end, it only causes more hurt and a deeper sense of rejection. If he’s playing push and pull, assume he misses his friend, and look after your own heart (it may or may not be what you wanted to hear).

Telling The Difference: Friend Or Lover?

The word “miss” conveys an almost infinite amount of connotations, in order to simplify, I’m going to divide it into two — friend and/or lover. Here is a subjective rundown on what I consider to be the most obvious distinctions:

Misses you as a friend:

  • Avoids talking about the breakup.
  • Offers a friends-with-benefits scenario – Ironically, a man who has lost the wish to repair a relationship may still want intimacy. For those of you who may wish to reconcile, bear in mind that attempting to use sex as a tool to reignite romance will backfire, as it will give him the best of both worlds.
  • Likes to chit-chat, but doesn’t seem to have an agenda. An ex who wishes to reconcile will usually have something important or heartfelt to say when they call.
  • Their emotions seem to be relatively luke-warm and in control no matter what you do.

Misses you romantically (as well as a friend):

  • Wants to talk about the breakup.
  • Brings up your history often, and reminisces about the past.
  • Is jealous, possessive, angered or shaken by the prospect of you moving on.
  • Drunk Dials.
  • Is impulsively angry or overly apologetic. 

As always, there are exceptions, but I have found that in the main (and I have been dumped more than my fair share of times), these guidelines have rung true in most cases.

Will My Ex Boyfriend Miss Me?

You may or may not wish for reconciliation, but simply knowing that you are missed at some level can be a liberating guilty pleasure. After all, seeing someone move on can be a crushing blow to our self-esteem.

The reality is that in just about every relationship, including ones that were abusive or addictive, there will be something to miss and a void to fill.

The bottom-line for me is to not get caught up in over-analysis and take a transparent and honest stand with regards to emotions. If communication is possible, be direct but not accusing.

Override negativity, pride, and anger and there is a very good chance that you will get the answers you need. If not, you will have nevertheless hastened your own recovery by making it easier to forgive yourself, as well as him.

137 Comments Subtle Signs That Reveal Your Ex Boyfriend Misses You

  1. keke

    I texted him like you said and asked him how he is doing and that when he is ready to talk he can call me and he said ok… how about u? I will… so hopefullt he does.

    Thanks for the advice, by the way! Guys are so difficult and never really say how they feel. It is really great that u try to give insight and its very real and positive!

  2. Kissa

    Hello, guys! Just call me Kissa, from philippines, 22 years old and I have a Korean Boyfriend, He is 29 years old and that’s his korean age. He is my 3rd boyfriend now. Actually, we met in the office wherein I teach English to Korean students, he is my manager, everybody likes him, they love him and he’s like a korean actor wherein they want to take a photo of him. I had a crush on him the first time we met, that was June 2013. He’s very interesting and very mysterious. We don’t talk a lot in the office since I am very shy. I always get jealous every time he gave compliments to my office workers. Moving on…I file a 2months leave since i noticed that I fell in love with him very hard. i easily get jealous and I am craving for his attention and I wanted to move on and stopped that feeling because I also have a 2 years relationship with my boyfriend at that time who is a filipino.. It’s the 2nd week of my leave and we kept on texting (korean manager), I text him first and and say my Hi and hello etc.. and we met and he confessed that he likes me.. I was so happy like I can’t believe it. All my office workers like him and they had a crush on him and now he told me he likes me. At that night, he kissed me and he said I’m his Girlfriend now and he’s also now my boyfriend. so I broke up with my filipino boyfriend because I want to grab the chance to have a relationship with him. I do love him so much.

    last october 12, we had diner with my parents, I introduced him and I am so proud of him. My family they can see how happy am I with my boyfriend. The next day which was sunday, I went to his place and we talked and suddenly we had misunderstanding. i didnt talk to him and I walked out. I didnt talk to him because I dont want to utter bad words because of disappointment (actually I am very emotional), he did the same he didnt talk it’s like we are in the same room but we didnt talk for an hour.. after 2 hours that I walked out, I texted him that i wanna spend the day with you but I didnt know what happened, I told him I wanna see you tonight but he replied that maybe next time, I need time now. so I texted him monday and tuesday but no reply.

    Wednesday october 16, he told me that we will meet outside, I aked him on skype since we chatted in skype at that time, I asked him “are we okay?” “can we still fix this?” he said that “I am afraid if we could still fix this” so I told him”just tell me the truth” he said “I am saying that I will be meeting you tonight to make up, not to break up” so I am happy and felt relieved. so we met at night, we went to the coffee shop and then he opened up about what happened last sunday where he had an argument. He said

    “it’s still not the right time.. actually I am officially breaking up with you…”

    I was so shocked like I cant think straight. I asked him why and he said I failed to get the job in the other place so I have no choice but to go back in Korea after 2 weeks. I told him we can still continue for the last 2 weeks and not give me this break up and want me to accept right away. he said it’s going to be hopeless and he doesnt want us to have a bad emotion before he will leave. He said we are still friends and I’m still here around. we can chat on FB and Kakao etc..

    so it’s been 5 days now and I am still; grieving because of what happned to us. I text him often that I want to meet him and want to have lunch and I’ll cook, he said we do it the other day, he needs to help the new manager.. But I texted him again that I am drinking right now, can you come? and he’s not replying anymore. I ask him also that if he did love me during the two weeks and he just need to be honest so I can move on and same, I didnt received any reply.

    I am so hurt like I dont know what to do. he’s leaving on Nov 1st. It’s ok with me if he needs to go back to korea, I will understand, but having LDR is not enough reason to break up a relationship. I’ve been good. i did the groceries stuff once, I cook food for him, I follwed his rules just not to be so clingy.

    what have I done wrong? and how can I fix myself on this? I wanna see him and talk to him but it seems he doesnt want to. he’s working Monday – Fri from 11am – 7:30 pm.

    Please help me on this, and I have a question, did he ever love me?

    thanks in advance..

    1. James Nelmondo

      Hello Kissa, sorry for the late reply, I’ve been a little busy lately!

      It sounds like this entire ordeal was a little rushed to me, call me old fashioned. The breakup seems impulsive on his end, using a single isolated non-event in order to create distance. Which says, to me, that it was merely an excuse, and not the real reason for the breakup.

      If he genuinely does love you, five days is far too early to tell where it all goes from here. Feelings will not simply appear to vanish overnight, unless of course they did — in which case it wasn’t deep-rooted love, but more likely a case of infatuation. This isn’t about what you’ve done wrong, it highly doubt it’s in your control at all. Attempting to find reasons why it all went wrong is always self-inflicted torture, and will slow down your healing if no chance at reconciliation emerges. The fact that he wishes to end it on “good emotions” does show that he does not resent you.

      Long distance relationships aren’t for everyone, I know that personally at least, I steer clear of them — and they can (to me) represent a valid reason for breaking up. However, as brutal as it sounds, it really does sound like a case of infatuation to me rather than love.

      Again, it’s a little early to tell where it all goes from here. It seems clear that he wants a little space, and will enforce it if necessary. The good thing about all this is that should you respect this silence, your sudden change in behavior (from one of bargaining and tying loose ends to one of acceptance) may be enough to make him curious, and subsequently miss you.

  3. Jonna

    Thank you so much for this article! Reading it, and all the comments and answers has really helped me.

    I’d like to share my own breakup story. My boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago. We had been in a relationship for almost a year. 6 months in his country and 5 in long distance. And we live on the other sides of the world.

    Our relationship had always been happy and we we never had any major problems, apart from him being busy. My boyfriend comes from a country where job and career are valued over anything else. So he broke up with me and said he’s too busy for dating right now and he feels bad for keeping me waiting for him. Before that he had been really stressed over his job for a couple of weeks. Technically, I was dumped, but in the end the breakup was mutual because I agreed with him.

    But I’m supposed to visit his country in a month, and I’ve already bought rather expensive non-refundable plane tickets. A week after the breakup I texted him that I don’t want to get back together, but it would be nice to see each other in his country since it’s the last chance we’ll ever have at meeting. He read my message but didn’t answer. I send a couple of more messages along the same lines that went unanswered too. And then I simply texted him that that I’m over the breakup already but I don’t want to throw a great guy out of my life just because our relationship didn’t work out, and that I hope he can think the same way some day.

    Now, I’m going to give him time. But I really don’t understand his reason for ignoring me. Our breakup was really peaceful and it wasn’t because of any personal reason, but because he’s busy and because of the distance. Is he still so hurt about the break up, even though he was the one who dumped me, that he can’t talk to me, or has he completely forgotten about me already? He hasn’t deleted or blocked me on anything.

    He was always really mature and emotionally stable, and I was the childish one, so it’s weird to have him acting like this. I truly don’t want to get back together, because I realized that we have no future together and his career will always be more important than me. But I’d like to stay in civil terms with him and meet for a cup of coffee. Should I text him when I go to his country? Or should I give up and think that he’ll never stop ignoring me.

    Thank you in advance! :)

    1. James Nelmondo

      Hey Jonna,

      So the last you heard of him was this mea-culpa regarding keeping you waiting and that his job was on over-arching priority?

      Not sure that I buy this silence as a self-imposed no contact to “get over it”. He would have very probably blocked you from all social media if that was the case.

      But then again, I don’t really see why it makes any sense otherwise. Unless there was an edge of desperation on your end after the breakup, which caused him to not want to deal it all. Needless to say, it sounds far from the case. And you are dealing with it — dare I say it — remarkably well (better than I would I assure you).

      You’ve been warned, I would be a little more flustered than you. And frankly, the thought of my partner’s job being of greater importance than me makes me a little weak in the knees, so the window for being post-breakup pals would be a very small one.

      I would tell him that you are passing by, but without appending any open ended questions that might accentuate his careering away. And leave it at that.

      If he wants to retain your friendship, you have given him the chance to. But he will have to care enough to act on it himself. You deserve at least that amount of clarity!

    2. Jonna

      Thank you for your answer!

      When he broke up with me on skype, he sounded really distressed. He was telling me that he doesn’t have a life right now and he only has time to sleep a couple of hours a night. He said he doesn’t want to make me or himself feel bad when I visit his country and he doesn’t have time for me. I asked him could we talk about this later on skype face to face, because I couldn’t use my camera at the time, and he agreed.

      The following days I was texting him and trying to reason with him, saying that I’m coming to his country anyway so can’t we break up when I’m there, but he kept repeating that he can’t do this anymore, he can’t do this. In the end, he couldn’t talk to me face to face and just send me a really long letter telling how I have been great as always but he doesn’t deserve a relationship right now. I answered that I understand and he has been a good boyfriend and shouldn’t feel bad. That’s the last time we talked.

      Haha, don’t give me too much credit. I completely broke down after the break up and was moping for over a week. But I realized there’s nothing else to do than to gather myself and move on. Also, his work being more important than me hit me hard, but I kinda understand him. His career is really taking off right now and what he’s doing has been his passion since he was a child.

      But I still don’t understand why he has to ignore me. Like I told you, he has always been really level-head and easy-going, and our break up was mutual and we parted in good terms. If he’s over me, but doesn’t want to meet, he could easily tell me that. My friend who’s friends with him on fb told me that he has been posting a lot lately. Last month, when he was busy, he wasn’t posting at all, but now he clearly has more time.

      Or maybe he’s not over me, and me telling him I’m over him and don’t want to get back together, is only making him feel worse. Either way, I’m going to give him time. That’s a good advice, just letting him know when I’m in town. You’re right, if he wants to be my friend or even in civil terms, he has to do something too.

    3. James Nelmondo

      Yes, that does change my opinion somewhat. If the distress was palpable and genuine, which I always have a hard time assuming myself (call me paranoid), creating distance can be the natural side-effect of stress. If he is burdened by an onflux of change and newfound responsability, perhaps he’s just had an overload.

      Still, it doesn’t really change the cards on the table. And the job — in my mind — on partly explains the breakup. Why then didn’t he call a time out? One thing is juggling a shift in priorites, like you say, it is understandable that a life-long dream can temporarily drown out the relationship buzz. But nail the coffin shut entirely?

      Given the fact that you claim he isn’t notoriously immature and impulsive it’s all a little strange (especially the hide and seek). Ah well, tell always tells in the end, I suppose.

  4. Jonna

    Relationships can be so difficult…

    I know he doesn’t own me anything. And he never has to answer me if he doesn’t want to. But him ignoring me is naturally making me feel sad. We don’t need to be best friends, I don’t even want that, but it would be nice that some day he could be able to talk to me.

    If I had hurt him in any way in the breakup, I would understand why he ignores me, but our last words to each other were only praises. Do there really exist people who will continue to ignore their ex until they die no matter how peaceful and mutual the breakup was? I shouldn’t disregard anybody’s choices, but I think that’s a bit childish and only show that the other person is still not over the breakup yet.

    Yeah, I can only give him more time. 3 weeks is not enough to completely get over a breakup. That time will be good for me too.
    But I still feel like texting him something before I go to his country. But I guess there’s nothing I can text that would wake him up from his nc stupor, and not make me seem like I’m desperate.

  5. Dancer

    I absolutely love your article! I had been with my ex for almost 3 years. He broke up with me about 3 weeks ago. I started to notice that he no longer prioritized me the way he used to. I know that his career and family come first and I’d never want to compete with that but when it came to his friends its like he did whatever he could to please them. With his career it made us only see each other on saturdays. It was hard to adjust to because because prior to his career we would see each other everyday. But I supported him either way. I noticed that during the week he would hang out with his friends. Even sundays. It made me upset because he didn’t have time for me during the week but there he was spending time with his friends. I brought it up and he took it as me complaining and nagging. Every time we would argue he’d go silent treatment on me for days. I’ve always been one to try to make things right before going to bed angry but he changed into a person where he could go days without talking to me as if I did something so horrible. I tried to make him understand where I was coming from and he never took it into consideration. He would verbally and emotionally abuse me. Calling me names and belittling me. It was minor arguements that he turned into major fights. Not once did I ever curse him back. I bit my tongue. I don’t know if he lost interest in me. But he claims he loves me and doesn’t initiate contact. His friends hate me because he makes me out to seem like a “psycho” but I’m sure never tells what he calls me or even tells them what made me bring an issue up. Now he seems fine and dandy hanging out with his friends. I feel taken for granted. Like he thinks no matter what he says or does ill always be back.

    1. James Nelmondo

      Hey Dancer, thanks for the compliments!

      Seems to be he is consciously manipulating your drive to seek emotional security (which we all have). But beyond all other considerations, it seems clear that whatever model of relationship you both have — it isn’t shared.

      I know what you mean regarding the silent treatment, but it can work to your advantage if you let it go on. Up to a certain point he will believe (rightly) that the longer separation goes on, the greater the doubt instilled in you. But should you allow it to continue, he may begin to second guess the nature of his own game being played, and potentially also begin to reconsider what you mean to him.

      Or perhaps not. And frankly, I’m not a huge fan of playing any games. And the idea of fighting fire with fire is enough to make me scratch that one out, unless I came to the realization that he simply could not have a relationships without manipulation. At which point I would give him the silent treatment right back — forever.

      Have you read this article on being taken for granted? It seems a little more apt for your situation!

  6. karrot

    hi, i really like this article.
    sorry long story..
    the problem is if you have NC, then how will you know if they miss you or not? i deleted any online accounts so i wouldn’t have to see or get jealous of whatever he was doing because he automatically deleted photos of me the night he was unsure of breaking up with me too. i was with my ex for almost a year and a half. when he broke up with me he said he didn’t want to have a relationship with me or anyone to affect his day. (i was going through hard times and became negative and dragged him along, putting him down because i started having anger issues (and he was always so insecure), until he got tired with how i treated him.)

    he said he only wanted to focus on his work and school and hang out with friends because they actually make him feel good about himself and feel wanted. i understand about work and school, because we saw each other everyday and stopped focusing on our other priorities. but i felt like we could have negotiated time to see each other and i never held him back from being with friends. he even told me not to be jealous if he started hanging out with female friends, he only wants friendships. (he is not that type of person to be really open or flirt/ hook up either). i understood if he wanted to hang out with his guy friends like he use to, but i don’t get why he has to spend time with girls.

    the first two days i was begging him back and not accepting it. in person, i said if we ever had a chance again and he said “only time can tell”. he said we can be friends & he’d check up here and there and see what goes from there. he said it’s possible because he liked me for two years. but i told him it’s different now, because our feelings are stronger and we love each other. but he repeatedly said he doesn’t want a relationship.

    that night, i texted him if he loved me anymore or if he has any feelings left and all he texted was simple “no”. and “i don’t love anyone”
    and that’s when i began to ask more questions.he told me to let him live his life and not beg him back because he wasn’t going to take me back and if i can’t talk to him as a friend to never speak to him. i didn’t want to believe that he didn’t love me anymore. and obviously i pissed him off until he stopped replying.

    so now i am NC for almost 2 weeks, because i already pushed it too far. he was always the one who put more effort to the relationship than me and loved me, but now he says he doesn’t love me anymore. but at the same time he was insecure and always doubted me. i don’t know if he’s just saying it, or if he means it. he did make it clear he doesn’t want any relationships, but what if he tries to hangs out with girls he hardly knows as well? will he even miss me? first he gives me hope that maybe we could get back together some day, but then he says he doesn’t love me anymore, and I’m his first “everything” (even though he’s not my first). so i don’t get when he stopped or lost feelings or whatever.

  7. Shelley Dustin

    Me & my boyfriend was planning to get married last month, just last week we had some argument that made him get angry on me just because of the argument, he said we will not be married again and the next day he left me and we broke up. I still loved him and I wanted him to marry me, for me to get him back i had no choice than to contacted [email protected] yahoo. com to help me and he helped me to bring my lover back to me so we can continue our plan to be married. he came back after 3 days
    Shelley Dustin

  8. gabby

    Love your insight into relationship. Need an advice. My exboyfriend had a mutual break up 2 months ago but I initiated the break up because he stopped communicating for two weeks. He agreed to the break up because he didn’t see the relationship change for the better despite the effort I made. Since the break up he has made no contact. I missed him and still love him so I initiated a text to ask how he is doing and suggest we talk to catch up. Got no response from him until 3 hours later texting that he is not ignoring me but had to go on a sudden trip abroad with his mom and communication is limited. Didn’t hear from him since then so two two weeks ago I texted him to invite him to a movie. He said he was unsure but will get back to me later. After waiting for a week with no response from him I texted him to follow up if he made a decision to go to the movies with me. He replied and said sorry for not responding earlier but would be interested in still going to the movies. Is my exboyfriend replying to my text and saying yes to the movies because he is just being polite? Or does he still have feelings for me? I want to restart the relationship but I don’t want to bring it up if he has no feelings for me. Please advice.

  9. kelly

    Thankyou for the article, my ex boyfriend and i broke up over 5 months ago from a 1 year 6 month relationship. Reading all this made me realise that my ex misses me romantically and as a friend. Whenever we had communication in the first few months he would swear at me, and rub it in my face that he hooked up with another gi. At the time i was so upset but have now realised he was so hurt that he wanted me to suffer even tho he cared about me still. It has helped ease my mind that it wasnt purely out of evil intent and that the more emotions u show, show that you care. i miss the past and the gold times, but i wouldnt go back to being with him ever. He hurt me so badly and if ever we so see eachother i would be honest and tell him that he was very cruel to me. He was physically and verbally abusive. I know he feels pain about that already but thats what he brang on himself, life is karma

  10. jane

    I know I am young I just found out that a week after we broke up he asked a lot of girls out I was wondering why he would do that? We have been in contact but most arguing with each other and I just found out that he “loves me” and “misses me” during the arguments he called me ‘ugly’ and a ‘bitch’. Reading your article made me realise that he misses me romantically. After the brake up he got jealous that I was friends with another guy. I don’t know what to believe my heart is saying go for it my head is saying don’t be stupid.

  11. Jennifer

    Hi James, I am not sure if you are still active on this site, but was wondering if you could help me to figure out what my boyfriend may be thinking. I sincerely love him and would hope to reconcile in the future. Thank you! (I apologize that is long)

    I just went through a bad breakup about three weeks ago. My boyfriend of three years had moved with me in December to a remote northern community in the subarctic. Winter was hard, I worked too much, adjusting to living together for the first time was hard and we were definitely struggling to meet each other in the middle.

    We had a super fiery breakup where I was inebriated and totally lost control. Mean things were said, we even got a little physical. Very poor behaviour on my part and they ended up flying back to where we are from 5, 000km away. He didn’t even say goodbye when he left, but prior to that he said he would never speak to me again or be a part of his life. He was not open to talking to me during that period where he was packing.

    Fast forward a week from then and I called him to tell him I was sending his stuff back to him that he had left behind. At that point I apologized and said I hoped we could talk to each other sometime. He said “i need space” which I acknowledged. I texted him the following day to confirm his stuff had been shipped and wish him well. He thanked me and said the same.

    Then two days later he called me from a friend’s phone but I missed the call. When i dialed the number I recognized his friend’s voice and he was rude to me and hard to understand (not sure if it was intentional or he/they was/were drunk?) and hung up the phone. I texted my ex to ask if he called and he said “no but we should talk sometime”. That was one week ago. I sent him a message to tell him his stuff had arrived and to wish him well yesterday. The first non-essential contact I have made. I regret it somewhat and he has not responded.

    Previously through all our ups and downs we have always gotten back together and we could never stay apart for too long. Before we lived 2h away.

    I know he has moved in with a friend and is working with them. I worry that he will never talk to me again despite what he said and I wonder why he would play such mind games with the phone call. I also wonder why he would say we should talk and what he would want to talk to me about? I feel like he is not one to be manipulative and would think he would have no reason to want to talk to me other than to try and work things out.. At this point there would really be no reason to talk to each other at all if his intention is to move on and forget. He knows where I stand, I have made that clear. I also wonder whether this manipulation with the phone call came from influence from his friend. I am really not sure.

    I am trying to sit tight and just be patient to see if he will contact to me.. But I don’t know what to make of all this and I don’t know what to do!

    It had come to my attention this past Sunday morning that the hospital I work for had still been calling my ex’s phone number (it was a secondary number on my account) to look for me for work. I sent him a quick text that morning to apologize for the inconvenience and that I had taken action to rectify the situation.

    I wasn’t expecting a reply but he actually did later on that night.

    “Hi {}. Sorry I didn’t have my phone on today. No worries. I will change my number soon anyway. Thank you for shipping my things with such care.”

    I responded that I was glad everything got there safe and inquired about some fragile items I was concerned about. He said “everything got here fine”

    So instead of playing it cool and just leaving the conversation at “Great. I figured you would probably change your number soon. I hope you have been enjoying your time at home and wish you a great week”

    I went on to say “I really want to respect your space and I think it has been good for me to work on myself in this time time. I am finally taking the steps I need to in therapy to improve myself” and “Thank you for allowing me this opportunity to see. I think space is good but if you ever need to or want to, you know how to find me”

    He didn’t respond to those messages. I felt like an **** for diving into emotional territory so I sent him the following email

    “Hey {}, It was good to hear from you. I am clearly trying to run before I can walk and this is still difficult for me. It was unfair for me to dump emotionally on you like I did- that was too much information and inappropriate. Clearly I need more time. All I have in abundance is my perpetual redundance… Man the mosquitos are coming out in full force here!

    Wishing you the best, happy days ahead, lots of sunshine and lots of fish.”

    So what I am wondering is if you think that this may have been too much, or whether at least it’s out in the open and he knows I am trying?

    I think I should wait now to see if he contacts me. He is 5, 000 km away, and I booked a flight home for the end of June. I figure if I haven’t heard from him by then, maybe I could check in with him via a quick email to see how he is doing, and if he is receptive, then I could try and use that as a launching point to tell him I will be in town and maybe ask if we could meet up. Would that be an appropriate amount of time to wait to initiate LC?

    1. sandra

      Well thanks for the article but if your ex cheats on his girlfriend with you knowing that he never cheated before what does it mean ?

  12. LK

    Hello, I think I’m a smidge older than most of the women here, but whether my heart is 55 or 25, love with few exceptions, is love.

    I’m involved in a long distance relationship., which is a problem in and of itself. But in my case, I did the gender switch, and told HIM I needed a break. We’ve not talked in more than 24 hours, ( we used to talk four times a day, not to mention texting and emails). And I’m puzzled because I’m not as anxious as I am when we’re talking. He’s a few months away from retiring and is really busy and I totally get it, and he tries his best to maintain normalcy, but normalcy has become so banal. I do believe I’m getting bored with things being so regimented and vanilla. We will talk in two days , but for the time being, I I don’t miss him, not in that desperate way. I’m basically relieved we’re not talking. He balked a little when I first suggested it, then realized this was something about which I felt strongly. I love him and I miss him, but not in that “my life sucks because he ‘s not currently in it” kind of way. I’m remarkably okay, which as a recovering co-dependent, amazes me.

    I’ve realized in this time apart , I want quality and not quantity. I would much rather talk to him a few times a week, in a substantive lengthy conversation, rather than those frustrating :90 second check ins throughout the day. Yeah, I know sone women would kill for those, but it’s just no longer part of my “half of the couple” dynamic.

    I don’t want him out of my life, I just need him him in a better place in my life and until, we can be together (ans we have quite a fews years behind us,. Again, in a long distance relationship. Been a little maddening.

    Anyway, I think Missing each other is good. You know all the old axioms. But I can tell you this, 25 years ago, my insecurities wouldn’t have allowed my to deal with being told he needed a break, much less ME bring the one to initiate it. I would have been a wreck,. I’m oddly at peace , no frantic, obsessive desire to make contact with him.

    I feel that this is the right thing to do and whether it works or not, I guess we’ll find out. Id like to think that since I’ve reversed the roles, this might help some other women deal when they’re the ones told that a little break is needed.

    Thanks for allowing me to tell my story. Any thoughts would be appreciated.


    Greetings! Very useful advice within this article! It’s the little changes that produce
    the biggest changes. Thanks a lot for sharing!

  14. TT

    My ex boyfriend and I broke up. All we did was fight for 2 months about him lying and I kinda kicked him out and we broke up. He didn’t like me working at a bar either but I was supporting him. He said if I changed and quit the bar he would come back. He was addicted to spice which is fake weed. Anyways that caused the problems. He would do it and lie. Well I got a little crazy and texted and called a lot and he ignored me and begged him and then he and or his mom, I don’t know who, blocked me on facebook and his phone. Will he come back? I’d try to say something to hurt him intentionally and make sure he realized what he lost but he doesn’t seem to care? He would just get mad and ask me to stop. We broke up and he still came over 3 times after we broke up and he moved out. He just said he wanted to get his head straight but then he found a new girl while he was still coming over and hanging with me. I need help with this situation.

  15. coco

    iam in a bad situation right now.i have been crying my eyes out. my boyfriend and me we were in a long distance relationship.he visited every year.we used to fight a lot but he used tto say he loves me and no matter what he wil never leave me and same thing for me. tomorrow is our four years anniversary and 12 days back we had
    aa fight n he blocked me from everywhr and my sister saw that he had put up a profile pic with a girl which even i got to see from my cousins acnt but when she asked him he straight away blockes her too.i called him but he blocked my call too.its already been 13 day now n i havent heard from him.tomorrow ia our 4 yrs anniverssary but i hv no.idea if he will call me.. im so heart broken.i.dont knw from whr to begin.i really love him alot and he too seemed tto love me but now all this..its killing me..

  16. Ann

    My boyfriend of over 2 years just broke up with me right after putting his dog down who he was in love with. He stopped responded to me the night before and then i didn’t hear from him since Friday and that was through email saying his week was a emotional roller coaster and had to turn off his personal phone in order to focus on his job training week. I replied back to his email and never got an answer and then I got one email from him saying not to contact his family or friends and he wasn’t looking for a fight or to open communication between us right now. His email had stated he loved and cared for me and is tired of trying to push us forward and feels I won’t move on. He said he had job opportunities and feels I wouldn’t take the leap with him. When he never told me about this and isn’t the best with communication its been texting for the most part and when I say something about he shuts down. He said he was going to do what was best for him and couldn’t be my boyfriend anymore. Friends- yes after sometime. He said this wasn’t what he wanted but he couldn’t fight over every step forward :(

    We were so in love with each other. We were house shopping. He sold his house so we could get one together, we talked about marriage and what we wanted as a wedding, he talked ring all the time, we went away just recently and he got me a gold necklace and said the money was being deducted from my ring (jokingly) there was no signs. We talked about decorating our place a certain way… Its been a little over a week now since the break up email. I sent him a text yesterday to just say hi and see how he was doing? Never got a response :( I feel like he’s resenting me over the dog cause I didn’t like her too much. I know he was close to her and loved her more than a human.

  17. Darren

    Hi there
    Need your thoughts, met this girl we hit it off everything wAs great untill she told me she wAs moving away. I told her I was happy for her even though inside I was crushed. We decide to continue the relationship untill she left our calling, texting and visit got less over time I barely seen her in July I was pissed but understood why. In aug after she got back from vacation ( she went to where she is moving to) she changed she texted more called and wanted to see me more. She told me she missed me and asked me some leading questions would I move out there? Would I get married again? And she was questioning why she was moving and other stuff weird threw me off. Now it’s sept. And now she doesn’t have time for us her move date is oct 18. Two weeks ago we made dinner plans as usual and I spent a good chunk of the day making it special knowing this could be our last night together. She txted me half way through the day saying she had other plans with family I didn’t respond cause it wouldn’t have been nice. Well last week she blew me off again to be with the same family as last time. I didn’t teply right away. I txted her and asked if we could talk she said she was busy so I txted her and said to her that she blew off our dinner plans wtf, she said she forgot and I should of reminded her ( no apology and no make up date mentioned from her). The next day I txted her and said lets talk and she said no I’m busy and that the rest of her time will be spent with family and girlfriends and I should know this ( pretty much laid into me) I replied yes I knew this and encourage it . Just wish you would of filled me in and told me that was our last night. She said she doesn’t know if that’s our last. I left it at that. The next day she txted me and said we can meet up on the Sunday to say our goodbyes I replied ” ok buddy ” not smart but I was pissed. Well sunday came and went no call and no txt. I asked a lot of my girlfriends if I should go meet her and they all said ” no she doesnt deserve it or you ” so my question is what would all of you do?eet of not go meet

  18. Anonymous

    Can someone give me some advice my boyfreind and I reconciled after thirty years we had a very wonderful relationship for two and a half years and my daughter went off to college. We never fought and talked about him leaving the city and he still lives at home. I was waiting for him to come and move in with me and he broke up with meand he told me he didn’t love me like he did thirty years ago. I was devastated and asked what I did he seemed at a loss for words. I was devastated and have tried to be his friend but it seems to be progressively getting worse. Can someone give me some advise I feel like I just can’t cope any longer. I loved him with all my heart and thought he loved me too. He told me to wait for him while he went to counseling. I waited for one month and he never called the counselor. He kept saying he as too scared to call the counselor. I finally gave up I am so sad

  19. Lucy Watts

    Thanks so much, this article has helped me out so much and is helping understand things about my previous relationship more, thankyou!

  20. mgm

    Here is my story. I am 47 yrs old. I met my first love at age 14. He is the only man i will ever love. 4 yrs ago after 30 plus yrs we reconnected and fell inlove all over again. We will always love each other. I cant seem to let go or move on. He broke up with me 8 months ago. I been doing everything in my power to get him back. I became insecure towards the end of our relationship but never thought he would end it cause we love each other so much and we had history tigether. Maybe i took him for granted thinking he would never let me go. Now it happened. He treated me with great respect. We are great together. I tried the NC for 2 months just recently. Then i gave in and contacted him. He never has initiated contact with me unless i contacted him first. I do have to say he does respond when i do contact him and i try to contact atleast 1 time a week or maybe every other week. We agreed to meet for lunch a week ago and i made sure i did not bring up our past relationship, i acted happy with myself and we had a great lunch. I want him back so bad. HOW OR WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN. i will be honest. I am truely in love and love him deeply. I dont Need him back, but i WANT him back in my life. We are great together. Love the samethings, same music, and out sex was out of this world. Funny thing is i wont give up. In my heart, soul, and mt gut i believe and have faith we will reunite again. I keep thinking maybe this time apart for us is probably a good thing. Im trying to make myself happy again without him, but also being patience hoping he will come back to me. Please someone help me. Talk to me?? Thanks. Hope to hear from someone.

  21. unknown

    my ex says he can’t have me in his life because he gets stressed out. I told him that I may have health issues and he said that he wishes that I didn’t tell him because it will take away the good in his life. He then seemed to get angry with me because I have been avoiding going to the doctors but when I wanted to discuss my heath issues the next day, he said he doesn’t want us to have any contact at all. Is he just a selfish person or someone who is trying to get his life back on track and feels I will get in the way of that?


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