11 Nightmarish Dating Personality Types That Will Ruin Your Day

I don’t do much dating nowadays (and by not much, I mean none), but when I did I felt like I was in some kind of psychological experiment run amok. I got a mixed bag to say the least.

Not that I’m some grand prize, far from it, but I’m pretty sure I don’t make this list lately. We’re talking the stuff of nightmares here ladies and gents. The kind of hellish dating personality types we somehow have an 80% chance of encountering every time we’re brave enough to chance our luck on a date.

My Dating Personality Types Hall Of Shame

The Secret Agent

The secret agent is–well–secretive. And not in a sexy, mysterious sort of way.

Something is definitely wrong here. They appear guarded from the get-go, dismissing our personal questions with something between scorn and embarrassment, glancing this way and that nervously with a smile that could peel the paint from the walls.

You realize that despite this being a one-on-one date, you aren’t the center of attention. Their fear is.

See, this agent has a secret. And along with the sense of creeping doom that surrounds you both, an emotional baggage train a mile long is beginning to emerge.

But what are they hiding, and why? Well, that’s for the second date, when everything you feared suddenly manifests itself in a tear-soaked tale of the-one-that-got-away and the other resentful ex that still stalks them.

Trust me. You don’t want a part two. Hit the road and count your losses.

When he tells you he’ll tell you about his bitch of an ex on the next date.

The Presidential Candidate

The presidential candidate (or the first lady) hasn’t got time to waste on chit-chat. Getting to know them is simple, I mean just look at them. Don’t they just radiate authority and purpose? Maybe it’s the Gold luxury smartphone, or maybe it’s their aggressive body language and upturned chin.

You are assaulted by a barrage of precisely calibrated questions.

Where do you work? How much do you earn? Where do you see yourself in 5 years time? Do you want children?

Screw this. You want out. None of this is fun or revealing. Instead you feel a growing sense of guilt, a deep-seated unworthiness that you can’t shake.

You wanted someone to relate to, another human to conspire with. Instead, you became a prop in their election. An asset. This is the presidential candidate. And you are their hunting trophy.

The Method Actor

The method actor has no idea who you are, and worse, they have no idea who they are.

To remedy this, they’ve brought an entire cast of characters and scripts to keep you company. They’ve done a lot of reading and they know what it takes to succeed in the field of human attraction. Trust them, they’ve got a playbook for that.

Engaging with a method actor feels like talking to a puppet. The words may sparkle but the eyes are dead. Give them their oscar and bow out before this move becomes a drama.

My interests? Hobbies? What would Marcus Aurelius say?

The Jester

When it comes to categorizing the various negative dating personality types, the jester is almost certainly the most dangerous. A self-esteem landmine for those unfortunate enough to cross paths with them.

The hallmark of the jester is their need to bring you down. They will shame you, indirectly and almost gently at first. As if they were doing you a favor.

Maybe blue really isn’t your color, but why would they even mention it?

I’ll tell you why. Because their self-worth is so low that the only way they think this date will work is if they can fool you into thinking you’re as worthless as they are. It’s a way of leveling the playing field, but it’s also an admission that they feel the need to catch up. Yikes.

The One-Upper

In a desperate attempt to please and impress, the one-upper is eager to prove they can do everything you can, and better.

Enjoy Coldplay? They met them backstage!

Relish Italian cuisine? They happen to make the meanest Bolognese sauce!

Have this thing about quantum physics? Well now, don’t get them started!

It’s a sad spectacle. With the one-upper oblivious to how transparent their need to impress is, and what it’s actually telling your subconscious mind about them. Which leads to an emphatic good night and good luck with that.

The Psychologist

The psychologist takes pride in their ability to pierce even the toughest defenses with their amazing perception and wit. Every word you utter, every fleeting glance and body language cue is subject to their intense scrutiny.

They won’t hesitate to tell you all about yourself, and how you can’t fool them. And yes, your foot pointing in their direction means that you want them. Let’s cut to the chase.

An hour with the psychologist feels like ten. You are disappointed and exhausted. All you wanted to do was unwind and meet someone interesting, and now you’re stuck here listening to a white paper on what your clothing says about you.

The Pushover

The pushover does not react well to criticism. Not only that, they don’t react well to the mere threat of criticism. Even the kind of criticism you didn’t offer to begin with.

The pushover also agrees. About what? Well–everything.

Your disagreement on who the best boy band was in 2020 is just about the worst thing to happen to them today. But it’s okay. They want to make it up to you. How about a second date? The perfect chance for you to realize that you aren’t really that different after all!

The Rebounder

I know I’ve been this person before, and I apologize to my poor date. I had hoped that dating would help me move on, but all it did was remind me of what I’d lost.

I suppose that some part of me was aching for a rebound relationship to fill the void in my soul. But in retrospect this is a nightmarish dating personality type to encounter because it is never about you. It will only ever be about their (mine in this case) healing.

Once that pain begins to subside, so will the need for this fledgling relationship. And it will end in tears. In short, if you sense a broken person behind the gaudy mask–run.

The current girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, or husband is often an utterly unsuccessful attempt to stop missing or loving the previous one.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The Tit For Tat Person

They bought you dinner now you owe them something.

To the tit for tat person the date is a binary transaction. It’s not about the journey here, it’s solely about the destination. And I’ll let you guess what that destination is.

Just be clear: I’m not averse to consenting adults doing whatever the hell they please. The reason this personality type makes the list is because they don’t make it clear from the get-go.

Masquerading as a sensitive, serious romantic candidate with an eye on building a relationship, when all you are really after is a distraction can lead to disappointment if these expectations aren’t immediately made clear.

Bonus shame points to those who disappear when they do get what you want.

The Yin And Yanger

The Yin and Yang person has two diametrically opposed behavioral modes that clash in ways that will make you blink very, very slowly and leave so very, very quickly.

While being nice to you. Almost too nice, they then snap angrily at the waiting staff or barista when anything is even remotely out of place. It’s a vision of the future, a presage of things to come.

Let’s make a bet. How long do think you will last before you get treated with the same disgust and bitterness? A few dates? A few years?

We might disagree on the answer, but one thing that is for sure is that it’s going to happen. I can guarantee that.

P.S: I have no idea why but the yin and yanger is also the character type that ends up hating pets. Am I right or am I right?

The Paranoid

This is the date that confuses dating with being in a relationship. This is also the date that makes you feel like you have to justify everything.

Why didn’t you answer their 3am text letting them know what you were up to? What are you hiding?

There are deep-seated issues that are at play here, and you shouldn’t feel like you have a responsibility to quell their internal panic and need for control. This is also something that you are unlikely to fix, no matter how trustworthy or predictable you are. Leave it to the professionals.

There is no carrot at the end of this stick.

Bonus: Dating Personality Types It’s Okay To Be

Stigmatized dating personalities are imperfect but harmless. Not that there is anything remotely close to perfect in the relationship world of course, but I feel these personality types are given a bad rap when they shouldn’t be.

The Frugal

It’s okay to be on a budget. Yeesh!

If you can’t afford a ritzy-meal, don’t act like you can. There’s nothing wrong with working out a plan that won’t set your rent back a week. If your date bails on you, screw it, it wasn’t going pan out anyway.

The Broken-Hearted

So long as you are open about your current emotional state with yourself, and potentially also with your date, it’s okay to have baggage. Just make sure you aren’t rebounding.

If you aren’t sure which it is, ask yourself if you are trying escaping the past or building a new future. Where is your focus? The answer isn’t always obvious. Sometimes it can be both, which I feel is good enough.

The Clown

Unlike the jester the clown is trying to lift you up not bring you down.

The clown is often stigmatized for being awkward, but a bold sense of humor and the ability to laugh at oneself is the sign of a deep well of empathy. I don’t care if it’s stupid, the clown will always get my vote (so long as their clowning around doesn’t equate an aversion for responsibility).

The Somethingaphile

It’s okay to have very specific interests. I’d much rather be in a relationship with someone who is passionate about something I care or know nothing about, than with someone who gets excited about nothing at all.

Tell me all about it. If it matters to you, it matters to me.

The Sensual

If sex is what you are after, then that is what you are after. Just don’t role-play something else in order to set the stage. Just let me know what your intentions are and let me mull it over.

What's on your mind?